spinal bap

HOUSTON FUNERAL TO BE BILLED AS "THE OPPORTUNISTIC MULTI-OCTAVE CELEBRITY CHALLENGE"

2012-02-12T18:59:00.002Z

Insincere and limelight-demanding tributes are lined up from Christina Aguilera, Mariah Carey, and numerous other tune-strangling divas in what promoters are describing as “like Etta James’ wake turned up to eleven!”

Not only will the event help relieve the pain of this great loss but by the time headliner Aguilera throws herself into the key change of “I Will Always Love You”, you’ll have completely forgotten who Whitney Houston was in the first place.

MUSICAL BASED ON MELVINS SONGS PROVES SURPRISE BROADWAY HIT

2012-02-12T17:54:00.004Z

A new musical theatre production centred around songs written by Washington sludge-rock grunge godfathers Melvins has proved astonishingly successful on Broadway, smashing box office records, impressing the critics, and earning a string of nominations for several prestigious awards.

A History of Bad Men was co-written by Buzz Osborne, Dale Crover, and Sir Timothy Rice. The musical is set several years in the future, in a vaguely Orwellian world known as Dog Island, where instruments are forbidden and aspiring musicians are encouraged to get boob jobs and become actresses. The planet is ruled by an evil queen - the Stoner Witch - who asserted her dictatorship after her husband, the king, took his own life. A group of rebels known as the Civilised Worms have been circulating rumours that the Stoner Witch orchestrated the king’s death herself, although their evidence is flimsy at best. In response to the accusations, the Stoner Witch falsely accuses an innocent bystander named Melvin of having tried to inject her husband with a drug overdose and has him incarcerated in a vast filthy prison.

The heroine is a character by the name of Lizzy, also known as the Magic Pig Detective. She is a plucky guitarist who wishes to form her own band and achieve fame without the humiliation of having to flash her breasts or sleep with Billy Corgan, Evan Dando, or TV’s Alan Partridge. Before she can rouse the rebel forces and overthrow the wicked queen however, Lizzy must first determine who is her real father. After discovering her mother’s diary in a piece of moon pie, she narrows her potential Pa down to three possible candidates: it is either Boris, Billy Fish, or the Bloated Pope. After several superfluous renditions of various Melvins tracks, Lizzy decides that it doesn’t really matter who is her biological father as they are all great people, apart from the Bloated Pope who she murders by feeding him to the Night Goat.

Boris, Billy Fish, and Lizzy then ride nude in boots on the back of a talking horse to the Stoner Witch’s Los Angeles palace. Enlisting the help of the Civilised Worms, they overthrow the evil queen by poisoning her with a hog leg, which transforms her into a harmless rat faced granny. With the evil queen defeated, everyone is at liberty to play music once more, Melvin is released from jail, and the production ends with a triumphant performance of ‘Anal Satan’.

A History of Bad Men has received glowing reviews from the international press, attracting praise such as: “audaciously sublime” (The New Yorker), “super awesome” (Rolling Stone), “skull-smashingly mammoth” (Rock-A-Rolla magazine) and “a simultaneously sincere yet ironic experimental discourse on our collective yearning for post-hypnagogic nostalgia and a great night out for all the family” (The Wire).

The producers are planning to bring the show to London’s West End by the end of 2012, where the role of Lizzy will be played by Lily Allen, Minnie Driver has been cast as the Stoner Witch, and the role of Boris has been offered to a confused but amiable Jimmy Osmond.

AXL ROSE, KEVIN SHIELDS AND DR. DRE FORM WORLD'S SLOWEST SUPERGROUP

2012-01-27T16:50:00.014Z

Guns N’ Roses singer Axl Rose, producer and My Bloody Valentine leader Kevin Shields and rap superstar Dr. Dre have announced tentative plans to form a band together and to think about maybe releasing an album sometime in the relatively near future.

Each member has made a fairly firm commitment to begin recording the initial tracks for the project within the next 36 months. The as-yet-untitled album will be recorded at Axl Rose’s Malibu mansion/hermit cave after which Shields will transport the tapes back to his London home studio for mastering. When this process is complete, Shields will prove he has not forgotten about Dre by posting the results back to Los Angeles where the rapper will remix the album before spending as long as it takes to invent and develop the groundbreaking headphone technology required to do justice to the phenomenal music. The project intends to meld the contributors’ disparate styles in a fresh and unique fashion. Embellishing Dre’s old-school hip-hop beats with Axl’s authoritative cock-rock vocals and Shields’ washes of shoegaze guitar, the trio hope to invent the entirely new genre of ‘hipcockgaze’.

The album’s release date is currently pencilled in for Autumn 2028, although this may alter depending on the availability and schedules of proposed guest vocalists Kate Bush, Beth Gibbons and that bloke from The La’s.

UNCHARACTERISTICALLY CONFRONTATIONAL MCCARTNEY NAMES NEW ALBUM "KISS MY BLACK ASS"

2012-01-10T19:17:00.006Z

Sir Paul McCartney has rejected the advice of his friends, family and personal psychiatrist by giving his new solo record the needlessly provocative title Kiss My Black Ass.

Sir Paul has explained that the LP takes its name from the lyrics of gangsta rap group NWA’s 1990 track ‘100 Miles and Runnin’ which McCartney covers on the album. The lyrics in question are:
“Now wearin’ my dyes ‘cause I’m not stupid, motherf***ers / They’re out to take our heads for what we said in the past / Point blank, they can kiss my black ass.”

The rest of the album consists of other hardcore hip-hip songs which have inspired McCartney over the years, including Body Count’s ‘Cop Killer’, Snoop Dogg’s ‘Murder Was The Case’, DMX’s ‘Where The Hood At’ and Lil’ Kim’s ‘Big Momma Thang’.

The album has been recorded with legendary producer Tommy LiPuma and features appearances from Diana Krall, Stevie Wonder and Ghostface Killah. Sir Paul has even managed to persuade Eric Clapton to play electric guitar on a version of Public Enemy’s ‘Fear Of A Black Planet’ in spite of Clapton’s reputation for being a massive racist.

When challenged over the album title’s potential for causing offence on account of its profanity and appropriation of African-American cultural slang, the Liverpudlian Just For Men fanatic replied: “I can do whatever the s*** I like, motherf***er. I’m Sir motherf***ing Paul motherf***ing McCartney, bitch! I was in the greatest motherf***ing rock band in the history of the motherf***ing world. And before Wings I was also in The Beatles.”

SPINAL BAP'S TOP ALBUMS OF 2011

2011-12-19T18:45:00.002Z

PJ Harvey - Let England Milkshake
The formerly principled PJ threw integrity out the window and took a leaf out of Johnny Rotten’s book with this McDonald’s sponsored homage to the dairy-based beverage. Nevertheless, the poetic tributes to the countless bovine who were slaughtered during the late-‘90s BSE crisis will remain poignant for generations to come.

Metallica and Lulu - Lou Reed
Redneck metalheads were appalled when they heard that their favourite band of all time would be collaborating with a short, Scottish, ex-Eurovision singer on a concept album about some bloke who used to be the Velvet Underground. Hearing Lulu wailing on about transvestites, heroin, and Andy Warhol over the top of recycled riffs was jarring at first, but those calling it the worst record of all time are reactionary idiots who stand in the way of progress and deserve to listen to nothing but the best of Phil Collins for the rest of their innovation-hating lives.

Bjork - Biophilia
What do you do if you’re one of the world’s biggest acts and a highly respected cultural figure but you’ve run out of fresh musical ideas? Give your album away for free on the internet? Smashing Pumpkins and Nine Inch Nails got there first. Let listeners decide how much they’d like to pay for such an underwhelming record? Radiohead already pulled that one. Let fans cherry pick their own preferred tracklisting? You’re not as desperate as the Kaiser Chiefs just yet. Apps! That’s it! Apps. Genius. Now nobody will notice that all your songs sound just like other songs you released a few years back. And don’t worry that your exploitation of apps might come across as a desperate attempt by a middle aged loser clambering to stay in touch with rapidly evolving technology in order to reach a broader and younger audience; you’ll never manage to look as pathetic as that twat Niall Ferguson.

PJ Harvey - Let England Bake
The formerly principled PJ threw integrity out the window and took a leaf out of Johnny Rotten’s book with this collaboration with Mary “traditional puddings” Berry and Paul “Simon Cowell of pasties” Hollywood, a tie-in with the hit BBC television series The Great British Bake Off. The album was critically lauded, although there were some complaints that the trilogy of tracks about the cream from a chocolate roulade were merely filler.

Kasabian - Velocicraptor
Apparently Kasabian chose the title because the dinosaur in question “used to hunt in packs of four”. Presumably it also swaggered about like a constipated chimpanzee and had a mating call that sounded like an even shitter Beady Eye.

Josh T. Pearson - Last of the Country Gentlemen
When Josh T. Pearson sings indulgent ten-minute long ballads about a failed relationship backed only by an acoustic guitar he’s hailed as a genius and featured in various reputable end of year polls. When I try it the Samaritans hang up on me. Where’s the justice? Maybe it’s more convincing coming from a man who looks like Warren Ellis’ dead twin.

Chris Brown - F.A.M.E.
Brown silenced all his ‘haters’ on this comeback record by coupling his emotional vocals with beats so phat it was like being held in a headlock, repeatedly punched in the face and told you were going to die while trapped in a Lamborghini. Sean Connery is said to be a big fan.

Jessie J - Who You Are
Critics have long condemned the predominance of French artists at the Music of Belgian Origin Awards. So imagine their disgust when wig-headed amputee-empathiser Jessie J was nominated in five categories, despite being neither French, nor Belgian, nor remotely talented. Still, you can’t argue with the four MOBOs she received, presented to her by such cultural heavyweights as the Managing Director of Stella Artois, some distant cousin of Hergé, and David Suchet wearing a moustache.
One of the highlights of the album was the radical, anti-capitalist ‘Price Tag’ which eloquently attacked materialism (or “Cha-Ching Cha-Ching” and “Ba-Bling Ba-Bling”) while persuasively affirming that “It’s not about the money” and “Money can’t buy us happiness”. Reaching number one in the UK singles chart, we are still awaiting the proceeds from this single to be donated to charity.

PJ Harvey - Let England Flake
The formerly principled PJ threw integrity out the window and took a leaf out of Johnny Rotten’s book with this concept album sponsored by Cadbury’s Flake. In a homage to the famous ‘Flake Girl’ advertising campaigns, a promotional video for the album featured PJ suggestively placing the crumbly chocolate phallus between her lips, an act she still managed to make erotic even with a dead crow on her head.

Wild Beasts - Smother
Wild Beasts are four-piece British vocal troupe who first came to prominence when they finished second in ITV’s talent show The X Factor in 2004. The group wowed the audience week after week with their highly original takes on seemingly untouchable pop classics such as ‘Everybody Hurts’, ‘Creep’ and ‘Don’t Look Back in Anger’. Despite being runners up, the act were undoubtedly one of the artistic success stories of the series and went on to outsell series winner Steven Brookstein.
Their debut album, G4, was released on 28 February, 2005. It reached Number One on Mother’s Day weekend and sold over 245,000 copies in the first week. Their debut single, a cover of Queen's ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’, was released on 14 March, 2005, and entered the charts at #9. Their second album, G4 & Friends was released on 28 November, 2005, and entered the charts at #6. Their third record, Smother, was released on 9 May, 2011 on Domino Records.

ONEIDA'S KID MILLIONS PHYSICALLY UNABLE TO CEASE DRUMMING

2011-11-17T17:30:00.004Z

An event which started off as regular live show for the New York band Oneida has spiralled out of control and has the potential to end in tragedy. Oneida regularly perform ‘Ocropolis’ shows - epic improv gigs which last for around twelve hours - both at their Williamsburg rehearsal space and on tour. Now one such ambitious gig, however, has resulted in Oneida’s seemingly eight-armed drum monster Kid Millions becoming trapped within his own rhythm and physically unable to stop drumming. The band were alerted to the catastrophe when organ player Barry London suddenly realised that Millions’ facial gurning no longer expressed the pleasure of being immersed in a krautrock-influenced art-rock jam-throng, but that behind his eyes lay a frighteningly unfamiliar tint of pain and distress. While the rest of the band immediately went to get help (after drawing their parts to a professionally coherent close), Millions’ body continued to pound away at his skins in what has become longest drum solo of all time. Kid Millions has been drumming for ten consecutive days with no sign of cessation or even of slowing down.

Millions’ physical state is said to be under immense strain and discomfort. At first the band struggled to feed him by attempting to hurl sandwiches into his jiggling, gaping mouth at a safe distance from his powerful, floundering arms. Similarly unable to pause his drumming in order to make required trips to the bathroom, Millions soon brought a whole new meaning to the term ‘drum stool’. Doctors have since fitted him with a drip, catheter and colostomy bag, although they are keen to emphasise that this is only a short term method of keeping him stable and that he could still collapse, explode or spontaneously combust at any given moment.

Millions’ condition is recognised in the medical world as Corsano Christitis. Although it is familiar to professional musicians who fear it greatly, it is much rarer than well-known rhythm-related ailments such as Dance Fever, Beatle Mania, and Biggie Smallpox.

In the 1990s, original Pavement drummer Gary Young managed to immunise himself against the condition by spending more time doing acrobatic handstands than actually drumming. While he successfully avoided contracting the illness, his flamboyant antics unfortunately got him fired from the band.

Dave Grohl has such a concern about potential outbreaks of Corsano Christitis that when recording with the Foo Fighters if he even begins to suspect that his drummer might be afflicted, he removes his sticksman from behind the kit by means of a violent kicking motion and takes over the drum part without even missing a beat. Then he overdubs all the rhythm tracks himself just to be on the safe side. Such a response to the condition is not recommended by health experts. Similar to the sudden awaking of sleepwalkers, this extreme approach can induce shock, a heart attack, brain damage, or even plunge the patient into a useless, vegetative state known as ‘full-blown Lars’.

Subtler and safer approaches are highly recommended. In 1975 Genesis managed to coax a sickly Phil Collins from behind his kit simply by getting rid of Peter Gabriel. Ginger Baker can be broken out of a perpetual drum trance by waving a family packet of kettle chips in his general direction, or a massive bag of quality heroin.

The technique with the greatest proven track record of releasing drummers from perpetual beat hypnosis is that trialled by Robert Plant on the patient John Bonham. Trapped in the midst of a fourteen hour version of the Zeppelin track ‘Moby Dick’, Plant accused Bonham of missing a fill. This caused Bonham to stand up, throw his snare at Plant’s head and storm out of the room. Though he called Plant a ‘helium-voiced talentless git’ at the time, he expressed his gratitude at a later date.

While Millions’ medical team have tried a variety of methods to free him from paradiddle hell, none have yet been fruitful.

Unfortunately, Oklahoma life-lovers the Flaming Lips have exacerbated the problem by invading Oneida’s rehearsal space and selfishly attempting to exploit Millions’ dismal condition to their own advantage. They have surrounded his kit with their own equipment and intend to jam with Millions without his consent in order to create a song that will last longer than eternity. The music will be recorded live onto tape by the band’s producer Dave Fridmann and sections of it intermittently released via a series of $10,000 dollar gold encrusted platypus skeletons containing luminous USB sticks which can only be listened to on a bouncy castle.

Even crueller, the Lips have refused to donate any of their profits to Millions’ healthcare, choosing instead to spend the money on obscene amounts of glittery things, a variety of novelty balloon animals and an intergalactic, time-travelling space pod. As he is unfortunate enough to live in a country in which much of the population equates national healthcare with tyrannical Maoism, the Oneida percussionist has accumulated exorbitant medical bills over the course of his ten-day drumathalon. Anyone wishing to make a donation to Kid or his family during this difficult time can do so at www.millionsformillions.net.

KIM GORDON AND THURSTON MOORE YET TO CONFIRM WHO WILL TAKE CUSTODY OF J MASCIS

2011-10-20T16:25:00.004+01:00

In the wake of Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore’s separation not only is the question of Sonic Youth’s future in doubt, it remains similarly unclear who will be granted custody of J Mascis.

Kim and Thurston first took Mascis under their wing back in 1986 when Sonic Youth invited Dinosaur Jr to support them for a two-week college tour and have looked after the long-haired troubadour ever since, but is it now uncertain whether custody will be given to Kim, Thurston, or some other third party. Mascis requires much care and attention; he suffers from catatonic lethargy, underdeveloped social skills, and is susceptible to panic attacks when deprived of the colour purple.

There has been some concern over the affect the split is having on J’s behaviour. Kim and Thurston broke the news to J together and in a sensitive manner, making it clear that it wasn’t his fault and that they both still loved him very much and they would both still see him all the time. He has, however, become very withdrawn and solitary, retreating to his bedroom to play excessively loud guitar and communicating only through incoherent mumbles. Photogenic television psychologist Dr. Linda Papadapasnuffleupagus confirmed this was normal behaviour for individuals who are having to cope with a separation, although it is less typical in 45 year olds.

Lou Barlow has enthusiastically volunteered to take custody, always willing to elevate his and J’s father/son homoerotic incestuous sibling passive-aggressive dysfunctional relationship to new heights of weird. When approached with the idea, J’s noncommittal shrug was interpreted by Lou as a categorical “No” causing him to immediately descend to his basement to record yet another soul-searching lo-fi tune documenting his feelings of inadequacy and rejection.

Courtney Love has also kindly offered to adopt Mascis. Her calls have not been returned.

PJ HARVEY'S MERCURY WIN PUTS AN END TO ALL WAR

2011-09-07T19:34:00.005+01:00

Critics of the Mercury Music Prize’s supposed meaninglessness have been silenced after PJ Harvey’s win for Let England Shake has put a stop to all warfare. The album did not get the reception it deserved upon its initial release in February but now, thanks to the exposure of the Mercury win, the world has finally paid heed to its powerful peace-promoting message and laid down its arms.

All current military conflicts have ceased, including those in Iraq and Afghanistan, after warmongers everywhere saw the error of their ways thanks to the West Country songsmith with a crow on her head.

On announcing the immediate withdrawal of troops, Liam Fox, the British Secretary of State for Defence, said: “I guess none of us really realised that war is bad before. But it is. War is bad. It is really, really bad. The world knows this now. And we have PJ Harvey to thank for that.”

Elsewhere, the Israeli-Palestine conflict has been put to bed and a ceasefire agreed after leaders on both sides tuned in to BBC2’s coverage of the prize presented by Lauren Laverne before immediately seeking out Let England Shake on Spotify. A joint Israeli-Palestine statement read: “We are glad to announce the end of the Israeli-Palestine conflict and are now entering a process for establishing a permanent peace along the West Bank and Gaza strip. It never occurred to us that war is bad before. But it is. It is really, really bad. Even when we listened to Let England Shake’s first track about Gallipoli we were somewhat unconvinced. The second track about Gallipoli, well that started to win us over a little, but we remained cynical. By the time the third track about Gallipoli kicked in, however, boy were we converted! War is bad! War is actually bad! It isn’t good, it’s bad. Thanks PJ!”

Meanwhile, Brummie brit-poppers Ocean Colour Scene, who (criminally) have never been nominated for the Mercury, are said to be slightly annoyed with the furore over Harvey’s record. When they radically announced to the world that war was bad in their 1999 single ‘Profit in Peace’, for some reason nobody gave a shit. But in honour of their unacknowledged efforts, in memory of the fallen, and in celebration of a new era of world peace established by the power of music and the impact of the Barclaycard Mercury Prize, let us reflect for a moment upon those deeply moving lyrics:

Hey, we don’t wanna fight no more
Hey, hey hey, we don’t wanna fight no more
But there’s no profit in peace
So we gotta fight some more
La la la
War is bad
La la la
War is bad
War is bad
War is ba-la-la-la-baaaad…

JACK WHITE TAKES FIRST STEP IN HEROIC MISSION TO BECOME LESS POPULAR THAN GARY GLITTER

2011-09-02T17:52:00.005+01:00

Jack White’s new collaboration with the Insane Clown Posse has catapulted the singer/guitarist for the first time ever into the number 1 position of most unpopular ex-member of the White Stripes. Meg White may have been worse at drumming than a one-armed Thunderbirds puppet, but at least she never collaborated with a pair of bigoted, make-up-wearing, fizzy-pop-spilling, inarticulate, sporadically Christian, professional wrestling, crap-rapping plonkers.

It is unclear whether Jack White has embarked on this strange project in reaction to the mental strain caused by his former enormous successes or as some kind of crazy bet, perhaps trying to outdo Lou Reed who has recently hooked up with washed-up metal buffoons Metallica.

It has been estimated that this move has elevated White to a level of unpopularity approaching that of Fred Durst, Jim Davidson, Fearne Cotton, Ben Elton, Sex and the City 2, Sally Bercow, and M. Night Shyamalan.

White still has someway to go, however, before attracting the dizzy heights of hatred reserved for the likes of Glitter, Gaddafi, Skeletor, Heather Mills, the cast of Jersey Shore, the woman who put that cat in the bin, Nick Griffin, the cast of Geordie Shore, or the opera singing jingle dickhead from Go Compare.

ORIGINAL LINE-UP OF SUGABABES WIN LEGAL RIGHT TO TOUR AS BUCKS FIZZ

2011-08-26T18:43:00.004+01:00

“This marks the beginning of a new chapter in the exhilarating saga of the Sugababes”, announced a delighted Mutya Buena on the steps of the court yesterday after an indifferent judge flippantly granted the band’s original members intellectual property ownership of the name Bucks Fizz. “On behalf of myself, Keisha Buchanan and the ginger one that left after the first album, I would like to take this opportunity to express how delighted we all are with this outcome and to announce the 2012 Bucks Fizz Tour of England and Wales. This will coincide with the release of a brand new single, a wicked dance mash-up of Overload and Making Your Mind Up entitled Making Your Overloaded Mind Up (2012), produced by Richard X.”

Out of respect for Bucks Fizz’s legacy and to add a touch of authenticity, the ex-‘Babes have agreed to hire founding ‘Fizz member Robert Alan Gubby (aka Bobby G) to play percussion on the tour.

Other original Bucks Fizz singers Mike Nolan and Cheryl Baker are said to be horrified by the outcome, and it is rumoured that on hearing the news Baker was so upset that she immediately binge-ate four whole lemon drizzle cakes and an entire tube of Sour Cream & Onion Pringles, thus setting her personal Jenny Craig Weight Loss Program back by approximately three weeks.

The current line-up of the Sugababes are said to be smiling blankly.

THE ONLY PLAUSIBLE SOLUTION TO THIS DISPICABLE RIOTING IS THE IMMEDIATE REFORMATION OF THE SEAHORSES

2011-08-10T17:32:00.006+01:00

With everybody having their own skewed take on the causes and solutions of the current wave of riots that are sweeping British cities, Spinal Bap would like to propose a more rational suggestion:

The years 1996 to 1999 witnessed no major riots in Britain. It is clearly no coincidence that this was also the era in which John Squire’s post-Stone Roses rock group The Seahorses were an active force. It is imperative for the stability of the nation that our Prime Minister David Cameron make an immediate statement demanding the reformation of The Seahorses and that he enlist their services in reinstating peace and stability. In the last twelve years society has completely broken down, with many parents, children, schools, communities, and politicians demonstrating scant regard for the importance of The Seahorses.

Following the inevitable, and much demanded, reformation of the Chris Helme-fronted indie pop band, those who dare to continue to behave with an irresponsible disregard for law, order, and The Seahorses’ one hugely influential album Do It Yourself should be treated with extreme prejudice and little sympathy; tear gas, rubber bullets and water cannons should be employed against anybody who cannot remember the words to ‘Blinded by the Sun’.

Failing these extreme measures, what are Symposium up to?

HORRIFIED PETE DOHERTY REALISES HE SHOULD HAVE DIED FIVE YEARS AGO

2011-08-10T17:19:00.003+01:00

“Oh crikey,” exclaimed the 32 year old dentist avoider, “now the only club that’ll have me as a member is Club Irrelevant Twit.”

CAPTAIN RIVERS USES THE WEEZER CRUISE TO HUNT MOBY

2011-07-24T14:02:00.008+01:00

Call me Gener. Some time ago, having little or no money in my purse on account of illegal downloading, and nothing particular to interest me in Ween, I thought I would set sail about a little and see the watery part of the world.

I learnt that there were three ships up for voyages - the Pequod, the Poop Ship Destroyer, and the Weezer Cruise. Hopping on board the Weezer, and looking around her for a moment, with its outdoor lido deck, inside theatre, hot tubs, casino, waterslide, and spa services, I decided this was the ship for me.

For several days after leaving Miami, nothing above hatches was seen of Captain Rivers. It was speculated that Rivers was in fact studying at Harvard, or that he was stranded on an island somewhere with the fat guy from Lost. The roadies regularly relieved each other at the watches, and for aught that could be seen to the contrary, they seemed to be the only commanders of the ship; only they sometimes issued from the dressing room with orders so sudden and peremptory, that after all it was plain they but commanded vicariously. Yes, their supreme lord and dictator was there, though hitherto unseen by any eyes not permitted to penetrate the now sacred retreat of the backstage area.

It was one of those grey and gloomy mornings, when with a fair wind the ship was rushing through the water with a vindictive sort of leaping and melancholy rapidity, like the sound of ‘Why Bother?’ from the Pinkerton album, that as I mounted the deck at the call of the afternoon soundcheck, so soon as I levelled my glance towards the lighting desk, foreboding shivers ran over me. Reality outran apprehension; Captain Rivers stood upon his quarterdeck.

He cut a grim figure. Hunched, pasty-faced with cheap haircut, and wearing a short-sleeved shirt and pair of think-rimmed spectacles. So powerfully did the whole grim aspect of Rivers affect me, that for the first few moments I hardly noted that his left leg was one and three quarter inches shorter than his right leg, and that this was compensated with a barbaric white heel. It had previously come to me that this white heel had been fashioned from the polished ivory substitute of a vegan’s piano.

He advanced towards the main-mast with a hammer uplifted in one hand, and a gold disc in the other, and with a raised voice, exclaimed: “Whosoever of ye raises me a white-headed vegan with a wrinkled brow and a meek jaw; whosoever of ye raises me that white-headed vegan, with his sample-heavy disco music and wallet bulging with advertisement royalties, whosoever of ye raises me that same white vegan, he shall have this gold disc, my boys!”
“Huzza! Huzza!” cried The Antlers, Yuck, and even Boom Bip, as they hailed the act of nailing the gold disc to the mast.
All this while, the members of Sebadoh had looked on with even more intense interest and surprise than the rest, and at the mention of the wrinkled brow and sample-heavy disco music they had started as if each was separately touched by some specific recollection.
“Captain Rivers,” said Lou Barlow, “that white vegan must be the same that some call Moby.”
“Moby?” shouted Rivers. “Do you know the white vegan then, Lou?”
“Was it not Moby that you encountered at the Reading Festival ‘96 where he trod on thy spectacles and swallowed thy talent?”
“Aye, Barlow; aye my hearties all round; it was Moby that brought me to this dead music that I now churn out. Aye, aye,” he shouted with a terrific, loud, animal sob; “Aye, aye! And I’ll chase him round Glastonbury, and round Lollapalooza, and round Primavera, and round Leeds Festival’s hellish flames before I give him up. And this is what you have shipped for, men! To chase that white vegan over all sides of earth, till he spouts anaemic blood to an inoffensive, ambient synth soundtrack. What say ye, men? I think ye do look brave.”
“Aye, aye!” shouted the roadies and the security crew, running closer to the excited old dweeb, “A sharp eye for the white vegan; a sharp lance for Moby!”
“God bless ye,” he seemed to half sob and half shout, recalling his vocal take on track 6 of Maladroit. “God bless ye, men, But what’s this long face about, Mr. Barlow; wilt thou not chase the white vegan? Art not game for Moby?”
“I am game for his meek jaw, and for the jaws of Death too, Captain Rivers, if it fairly comes in the way of the business we follow; but I came here to promote the Bakesale reissue and peddle some t-shirts, not to hunt a popular ‘90s dance artist to appease the vengeance of a popular ‘90s nerd-rocker. How much will thy vengeance yield thee even if thou gettest it, Captain Rivers? Moby already sold himself to every prospective buyer, around the time of Play.”
“Marketers? Hoot! My vengeance will fetch a great premium, here!”
“He smites his chest,” whispered Jason Loewenstein, “what’s that for? Methinks it rings most vast, but hollow.”
“Vengeance on a dumb brute!” cried Lou Barlow, “that simply swallowed thy talent from blindest instinct! Madness! To be enraged with a dumb thing, Captain Rivers, seems blasphemous.”
“Talk not to me of blasphemy, man, Moby may have admitted to a fascination with the Gospels and a belief in the teachings of Christ, but I would strike the sun if it insulted me. Drink, ye Weezer cruisers! Drink and swear, ye men. Death to Moby! God hunt us all if we do not hunt Moby to his death!” Cans of beer were lifted and quaffed to cries and maledictions against the white vegan, while Paul Sprangers from Free Energy started a sarcastic rendition of ‘We Are All Made of Stars’. Barlow paled, and turned, and shivered, and retreated to his cabin to capture his despondent feelings on a 4-track tape. Another round of beers was dispersed; and Rivers retired within his dressing room.
“Huh?” asked J. Mascis.
“Dunno,” replied the guy out of Wavves, who in searching after his missing drummers, only found another bong.

CALVIN HARRIS TRIES TO HAVE SEX WITH THE WEEKEND

2011-06-28T19:38:00.003+01:00

Electropop synth chump Calvin Harris has been handed a restraining order after he attempted to sexually assault the weekend.

It was initially presumed that Harris had insisted on mentioning the weekend in the majority of his tracks simply as the easiest way to guarantee their regular rotation on radio and in the clubs in order to secure regular royalty payments, but it now appears to have been a means for the keyboard wielding pest to vent a much darker obsession. Over time, Harris’ unquenchable fixation with the weekend swelled to the degree that he became incapable of penning lyrics on any other subject. His latest single, ‘Bounce’ (feat. Kelis), again mentions the weekend, and follows his 2009 record Ready for the Weekend, a concept album largely about the weekend.

Harris is thought to have become even more enamoured when he realised that his love would never be reciprocated, because he earns a living as a musician and thus never has a weekend, or a working week, but rather one long, continuous holiday. Others in such a position may have taken this as a blessing, but it seems to have driven Harris quite, quite mad. The insane preoccupation eventually drove Harris to violently force himself upon the object of his desires. Luckily, however, the weekend managed to distract Harris with an oversized pair of retro sunglasses and a glowstick, and managed to escape with only a few bruises.

On assigning the restraining order, which prevents Harris from coming within a thirty mile radius of the weekend, the judge encouragingly suggested that that perhaps Harris’ hopes of a 9 to 5, Monday to Friday routine were not as far off as he might think.

MEGADETH AND LAURIE ANDERSON TO RELEASE COLLABORATIVE ALBUM

2011-06-20T20:32:00.012+01:00

Dave Mustaine has revealed that the new Megadeth record will be a collaboration with experimental musician and performance artist Laurie Anderson.

The wife of Lou Reed had originally planned to record a full album of her old numbers with the ex-Metallica guitarist, before Mustaine admitted that he’d never actually heard any. This prompted Anderson to confess that she wasn’t overly familiar with the Megadeth back catalogue either. The pair then settled on a ten-track conceptual album of original compositions loosely based upon the life of TV’s Paul Ross.

The album has been given the working title In the Shadow and will feature Megadeth’s signature thrash metal sound complemented by Anderson’s pretentiously poetic spoken-word meditations on events such as the time Paul Ross went up against his brother Jonathan in a Friday evening ratings war (Jonathan presented Friday Night with Jonathan Ross on BBC1, whilst Paul featured on rival station FlogTV advertising a DVD boxset of all the Alien films even though it’s only the first one that’s any good) and the time Jonathan bought his mother a yacht for her birthday and Paul only got her a slightly scuffed boxset of all the Alien films.

Mustaine and Anderson have also attracted a plethora of other collaborators for the record who they felt had the suitable talent and expertise to contribute to In the Shadow. They include Art Garfunkel, Krist Novoselic, Dave Davies, Spiral Stairs, Robert Webb, Richard Herring, James Belushi…

POLICE ARREST JOSS STONE ON SUSPICION OF PLANNING TO MURDER SOUL MUSIC

2011-06-15T17:27:00.007+01:00

Police have been granted extra time to question Joss Stone over an apparent conspiracy to rob and murder the genre of soul music after they arrested the millionaire pop singer at her home this week.

The singer, aged 24, who lives in Cullompton, Devon, was caught creating a ritualistic pyre, which included a vinyl copy of Cissy Houston’s 1978 album Think it Over, the black box from the Beechcraft 18 Airplane which flew Otis Redding to his death, a vial containing the frozen semen of Eddie Floyd, along with a confused Leon Huff who had been imprisoned within a large plastic bin liner. The family of the elderly record producer Mr. Huff issued a statement claiming that he was last seen three days ago in Los Angeles having a drink with Miss Stone and that he may have been drugged and abducted by the Grammy Award Winning artist.

Police spokesmen have refused to comment on whether Stone planned to sacrifice these artifacts as part of a pagan ritual with the purpose of instigating the apocalyptic destruction of the genre’s credibility. One officer did comment, however, that such an act would be highly out of character for the normally banal Miss Stone.

The police stated that "we are unable to say anymore at this time but we would like to thank the local resident who had a copy of Stevie Wonder’s pre-1979 back catalogue and drew attention to Miss Stone’s longstanding attempts to kidnap, molest and decimate what is clearly a rich body of work."

Dorothy Blakesop, an elderly lady, whose bungalow is near to Stone’s house commented, "it is obviously a very frightening situation if there are people going around pretending to be Aretha Franklin with little understanding of the social and political circumstances from which such music emerged."

Another Devon resident, Agatha Pilchard, was more supportive, saying "whilst I always liked soul music, it has been nice to see the exact same style come out of the mouth of a nice Devon girl," before adding, "you know what I mean, a white."

PROTESTERS AT GLASTONBURY TO DEMONSTRATE AGAINST U2'S FAILURE TO PAY LARRY

2011-06-09T21:07:00.003+01:00

Campaigners at this year’s Glastonbury Festival are planning to stage a demonstration during U2’s headlining set, voicing their opposition to the multimillionaire group’s avoidance of paying Larry Mullen, Jr.

It has recently come to light that since U2’s formation Larry has technically been under contract as an unpaid intern, with limited access to tour catering and a minimal rider allowance. When not on tour, Larry earns a living by giving drum lessons to schoolchildren in Dublin and gigging with U2 tribute band “U2(ii)”.

Campaigners have highlighted U2’s hypocrisy in pretending to care for the developing world, playing numerous high profile benefit gigs such as Live Aid, Live 8 and various other Boomtown Rats shows, and imploring their fans to donate their hard earned cash to good causes, whilst at the same time being so greedy themselves as to not even pay their own drummer. The protesters have promised to stop short of actually disrupting U2’s set, but are determined to make their demonstration highly visible by waving giant banners displaying slogans such as “Bono Pay Larry” and “Make Larry’s Poverty History” and by wearing giant cardboard cut-out masks of a sad-faced Larry with the words “Poor Larry” written across the forehead.

Chastity Goodall, an evangelical Christian, lifelong U2 enthusiast, and member of the Delirious? fan club, said “I love U2 almost as much as I love Our Lord Jesus Christ, but it is appalling that they continue to neglect Larry in this way. Larry is an integral part of the U2 dynamic and he is every bit as important as Bono, The Edge or the other one.” Then she started banging on about the eye of a needle or something.

ALEX TURNER IS THE ONLY MEMBER OF THE ARCTIC MONKEYS I CAN IDENTIFY, SAYS ALEX TURNER

2011-06-05T16:06:00.004+01:00

“I can recognise Alex easily,” explained Alex. “He’s the one what sings and goes out with that fit bird Alexa Chung. The other members though… I mean, if the bass player from the Arctic Monkeys were to walk past you in the street, would you know who he was? I wouldn’t.”

Chris Martin suffers from a similar affliction and, as a solution, insists that during rehearsal all the other members of Coldplay must wear brightly coloured name-hats. Martin himself wears an elaborate golden crown which his wife Gwyneth Paltrow claims to have crafted herself but, like her books, didn’t.

TYLER, THE CREATOR CREATES MEDIA FRENZY BY SHOUTING THE WORDS "POO POO" AND "WEE WEE" AT THE TOP OF HIS VOICE

2011-05-25T19:31:00.004+01:00

Not since NWA threw plasticine at the blackboard whilst their teacher’s back was turned, or since Eminem cruelly berated his then-wife Kim for being a “smelly smelly bum head”, has an emerging rap talent caused such controversy and media attention.

Tyler, the Creator, whose new record Goblin features regular use of severe expletives such as “poo”, “wee”, “willy”, “guff”, “divvy”, “toilet”, “winky” and even “mega spazz”, is now the subject of massive media attention due to his shocking taboo-busting lyricisms.

Gay rights groups have objected to his use of the terms “gay lord”, “humongous bummer” and “great big queer face” whilst feminist campaigners have denounced his continued insistence that girls whisper and they smell and they don’t like football.

As well as creating much publicity, the shocking language has produced much debate over Tyler’s outlook and intentions in the media and blogosphere. A range of opinions have been expressed on the Guardian newspaper’s message boards, where readers have discussed whether Tyler is a product of the harsh urban reality from which he doesn’t hail, whether his enthusiasm for unsavoury language is an elaborate exercise in post-modern post-PC irony, whether shouting “poo poo” and “wee wee” at the top of his voice is excusable on account of it being even funnier than that time Robert forgot his gym kit and had to do P.E. in his vest and pants, or whether rap music isn’t really of interest to them and they’d much rather listen to that new Kate Bush one.

When asked for a comment on his personal reputation, Tyler said he wasn’t allowed to talk to strangers, promptly kicked a girl he likes on the leg and ran off behind the bike sheds to eat a stolen Curly Wurly.

MARIAH CAREY'S TWINS ALREADY SICK OF MOTHER SHOWING OFF HER VOCAL RANGE

2011-05-05T23:15:00.005+01:00

They’ve only been in the world a matter of days, but Mariah Carey’s newborn twins have already expressed their distaste for their ma’s incessant multi-octave warbling.

The good twin, Monroe Angel Fluffybunny Carey, revealed her aversion to her mom’s caterwauling by bursting into tears when Carey self-indulgently played one of her own CDs to the infants almost immediately after labour. Much to her mother’s surprise and concern, Monroe reacts in a similar manner almost every time Mariah plays one of her own records to the babies (which is often).

The evil twin, Moroccan Scott Hero Carey, meanwhile, was so incensed by his exposure to such an appalling noise at such a young, innocent age, that he has miraculously mastered the power of speech simply in order to articulate his outrage. “I mean, her voice is pleasant enough I suppose,” the 0-year old explained, “but why does she perpetually insist on inserting all those extra notes where they are not supposed to be? She even does it during Baa Baa Black Sheep for God’s sake.”

Moroccan then became distracted by a brightly coloured shape, at which he sat staring, blinking for a few minutes, before focusing his attention once more and adding, “And don’t get me started on that ridiculously high-pitched shriek she does at the end of virtually every song. It sounds like a damaged cat having a fisticuffs with a castrated blackboard.”

GLASTONBURY GOERS WELCOME LINE-UP UNLIKELY TO DISTRACT FROM THEIR PRINCIPAL INTENTION OF GETTING SHIT-FACED

2011-04-18T18:33:00.005+01:00

photo © 2009 Unofficial Glastonbury Festival more info (via: Wylio)

The full line-up for this year’s Glastonbury Festival was revealed this week, and has so far been enthusiastically praised by the majority of ticket-holders as there remains little danger of the music distracting from their primary concerns of watching jugglers, purchasing amusing headwear, lying facedown in the sun/mud, aimlessly wandering around talking drivel, and getting totally dribble-headed on all manner of legal and illegal herbal and chemical intoxicants.

Cassandra Palmer-Smythe, a student from Tunbridge Wells, tweeted: “Fought there wuz gonna be some propa legends on the bill. Luckily, U2 and Coldplay, innit. More time for ket wiv da boyz. Lol!”

With a line-up which also includes Elbow, Morrissey, Biffy Clyro, Mumford & Sons, Glasvegas, and Kaiser Chiefs, festival-goers have been relieved to know that there is very little reason to visit the major stages at all, and that they can simply relax and enjoy themselves safe in the knowledge that they will not be missing anything of any consequence or substance whatsoever.

Jasper Carter-Floyd, a marketing executive from Oxford who has been attending the festival since his teens, blogged: “Man, I remember when they used to have half-decent acts on. It was really rather dreadful. One year I spent two hours completely sober because I’d left some stuff back at Daddy’s camper van and couldn’t drag myself away from The Cure. Won’t have that trouble this year. Going to get really, really blathered.”

Organiser Emily Eavis emphasized that polls had proven that attendees had more fun when the acts booked were little more than background noise, even if this meant, paradoxically, spending more money on the headliners. Not all the bands which will be performing this year are completely mind-numbingly boring, but those which might excite have been kept to a bare minimum, whilst two of those acts, the Wu-Tang Clan and Beyoncé, are of African-American descent. They are thus unlikely to attract the attention of a large number of the festival goers, many of whom are, as proven by the controversy of Jay-Z’s headlining slot in 2008, massively intolerant hip-hop-hating racists.

Timothy “Peace Dragon” Dewhurst, a hippy who has been attending the festival religiously since its inception in the ‘70s, did not choose to announce his thoughts on the line-up via the medium of Twitter, instead choosing to stroll into Bristol city centre wearing a wizard’s hat and a glittery cape and announcing through a handmade cardboard loudhailer: “It used to be about the music maaan. Music and love. Love and music. You, me, the pagan brethren. I mean… for a start, where the hell are Hawkwind?”

When asked if he would be boycotting the festival, Mr. Dewhurst confirmed that he was still looking forward to The Crazy World of Arthur Brown on the Friday.

TORY PARTY COMMITS SUICIDE FOLLOWING INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP WITH COURTNEY LOVE

2011-04-08T12:22:00.004+01:00

photo © 2010 rufus more info (via: Wylio) The dead body of the Conservative Party has been discovered, a few days after having committed suicide. The party’s difficulties had been widely reported, and this was not the first instance of the government attempting such an act. The Conservatives were known to have been struggling with depression for some time, and found trouble dealing with their new-found fame and fortune following their successful 2010 election campaign.

Courtney Love, rock-star lover and confidante of the party, had hired private investigators when the Conservatives went missing following the delivery of Chancellor George Osborne’s budget on 23 March, 2011. Love’s relationship with the Tories had become increasingly intimate of late. As well as dating the art-dealing heir to the Baron Hindlip peerage, Henry Allsopp, last year she attended a debate organized by Oxford University’s Conservative Association, and was subsequently awarded the post of “non-executive officer for rock ‘n’ roll”, whilst her tweets have included such naïve, ill-informed, and cloud-headed slogans such as “TORY NOW”.

Party leader and Prime Minister David Cameron was found by a maintenance man in one of the rooms of his 10 Downing Street home, a shotgun resting on his chest with which he had shot himself in his smooth, rubbery face. A suicide note was found nearby in which Cameron lamented his loss of enthusiasm for the world of politics:

For example, we’re backstage at the party conference and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowd begins. It doesn’t affect me in way in which it did for, say, John Major, who seemed to relish in the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn’t fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun…

Cameron had been listening to the latest album by REM.

Next door, Osborne’s body was discovered, the Chancellor having overdosed on an excessive cocktail of champagne, Rohypnol, and caviar. He was rushed to hospital, but medics were unable to revive the helmet-conked smarm-bucket.

Michael Gove, meanwhile, arranged a tragic suicide pact with Boris Johnson, in which the weasel-shaped Education Secretary strapped explosives to his body and commanded the fluff-headed Mayor of London to give him a croggy on his right-wing bicycle straight into a struggling South London comprehensive, before blowing the building, and themselves, sky high.

Many other Conservative MPs (too many to mention individually) have been found dead the length and breadth of the country, though mostly in the southern part of the land. The body of Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg was also discovered, though as he was not officially a Conservative the incident is thought to be a copycat suicide.

Conspiracy theorists have suggested that the death may in fact have been murder, that Love herself is directly involved, and that the obliteration of the Conservatives had been her plan all along. When pushed, however, most admitted that Courtney possessed neither the brains nor the tact to pull off such a remarkable feat.

Tributes to the Conservatives have been taking place worldwide, with fans gathering in their hundreds to commemorate their idols by burning candles, reciting the words of Cameron’s best-loved speeches, murdering foxes, mugging the poor, needy and ill-bodied, and offering sycophantic fellatio to workers from the banking sector.

LADY GAGA TO DIVORCE SEAN PENN

2011-03-28T20:04:00.012+01:00

Lady Gaga has announced she is to divorce the movie star Sean Penn, claiming the split to be amicable. The apparent “Queen of Pop”, who is of Italian descent and emerged from the New York club scene, has become a global superstar in recent years by peddling catchy synth-pop hits whilst flirting publicly with bisexuality, appropriating ideas from the underground gay scene, making numerous outrageous fashion statements, and embracing taboo subjects and provocative imagery in her lyrics, videos and concerts (sadomasochism, same-sex kissing and brief nudity have all been employed, and Catholic imagery has been adopted and exploited, leading to accusations of blasphemy). Hailed by some as an embodiment of female empowerment, others see her as a cynical opportunist who will stop at nothing to inflate her personal fame and fortune.

Sean Penn is said to have become bemused as well as irritated when an interviewer raised the touchy subject with him; the actor then quickly steered the conversation back to his latest film project and his extensive political and social charity work. Gaga’s personal life has been the subject of much speculation since she announced the split, and rumours have been rife. Consequently, both Dennis Rodman and Guy Ritchie are said to be troubled by the news, whilst Warren Beatty has already filed a preemptive restraining order.

“Hegel remarks somewhere that all facts and personages of great importance in world history occur, as it were, twice. He forgot to add: the first time as tragedy, the second as farce.”
Karl Marx, The Eighteenth Brumaire of Louis Bonaparte

ITV ANNOUNCES LAUNCH OF PRIMETIME 'NOISE IDOL'

2011-02-23T18:59:00.012Z

Noise music’s popularity has been steadily growing in recent years, with increased press exposure, specialist noise festivals springing up worldwide, a bigger presence at cross-genre festivals, and the endorsement and patronage of influential musicians such as Thurston Moore. And now it looks set to finally hit the mainstream, with the announcement of ITV1’s new Saturday night reality series Noise Idol.

The show, which is masterminded by executive producers Simon Cowell, Simon Fuller, and Tommy Keränen from Testicle Hazard, hopes to discover the next British Noise superstar, by auditioning hundreds of budding amateur glitch/drone/feedback artists. In front of a panel of celebrity judges, the contestants will be given the once in a lifetime opportunity to show off their din-making skills by performing either a self-penned composition or improvisation, or a cover version selected from a list of classic Noise hits, including Merzbow’s Degradation of Tapes, Wolf Eyes’ Stabbed in the Face, Whitehouse’s Wriggle Like a Fucking Eel, and Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music (Side 4).

On the judging panel will sit No Fun Productions’ Carlos Giffoni, L.A. serial noise collaborator John Wiese, French “harsh wall noise” artist Romain Perrot (aka Vomir), and Britain’s Got Talent’s Amanda Holden. Vomir, who is known for always performing with a bin-bag over his head in order to shut out any distraction (many of his fans do the same), will persist in donning the bag for the filming of the show, and yet will still manage to look less plastic than Holden, with her nauseatingly botoxed face, and dead, dead eyes.

An ITV press insider explained that, although Holden may not be a qualified expert on the Noise genre, she had managed to judge Britain’s Got Talent to great success despite the impingement of having none whatsoever herself. They added that ITV’s ratings were guaranteed to go through the roof every time she forced melodramatic tears down her pretend cheeks, and that, during the pilot, she cried for virtually the entire duration of Sheila from Glasgow’s forty-seven minute repetitive-scrape-jam rendition of Crowning the Fur Purse by Prick Decay.

As is customary, ITV3 will broadcast a sister show directly following the main programme. “Noise Idol Xtra” will discuss each week’s performances and results, victors and evictees, with special celebrity guests, and will be co-hosted by Konnie Huq from Blue Peter and the man from The Haters who always wears some sort of leather gimp mask. "Well, at least it's not Adrian Chiles," joked Huq.

PANICKED RADIOHEAD QUICKLY RECORDING NEW ALBUM IN TIME FOR SATURDAY

2011-02-16T19:11:00.007Z

Oxford über-whingers Radiohead are currently in the process of rush-recording their new album, entitled Kinky Limbs. Having got carried away with concocting supposedly innovative marketing techniques, and plotting a surprise release date, it completely slipped the band’s minds to actually produce any fresh material.

The release of Kinky Limbs was announced on Monday, to worldwide excitement amongst people who think they listen to “weird stuff” but whose tastes are in reality demonstrably conservative.

A source close to the band told us that Radiohead, who are currently in the studio with producer Nigel Godrich trying to churn shit out quicker than an industrial sewage pipe, are confident that they can come up with the goods by Saturday’s release date, that the band work well to tight deadlines, and that, if need be, they could always resort to throwing in one or two Jeff Buckley covers, or simply producing a collection of inferior versions of their former glories like they did for In Rainbows, a record which nevertheless proved massively successful with listeners who think they like music but don’t really.

BOB DYLAN'S NOSE SUING BOB DYLAN'S THROAT OVER UNPAID ROYALTIES

2011-01-11T20:51:00.005Z

Bob Dylan’s nose has launched a lawsuit against Bob Dylan’s throat, claiming to be owed millions of dollars in royalty payments.

“Ah wuz Bob’s co-writuh, collaboratuh, an’ instrument of choice for forty-three yeurz, man, an’ ah wuz responsible for the sound that made him famous… the one mos’ folk can achieve only by wearin’ a peg,” said Bob Dylan’s nose. However, in late 2004 Dylan dropped his nose, citing “musical differences”, replacing it with his throat who has continued to tour with Dylan, playing mostly songs originally written with the hooter, now performed in a much more gravelly, but equally unpleasant, fashion. “Ah helped tuh craft an’ record those classic hits”, explained the nose, “which that phlegmy larynx haz hijacked an’ iz uzing tuh make himself millions in tour profits… you get me? He needz tuh pay hiz duez.”

Dylan’s first UK post-conk gig, at Manchester Evening News Arena in November ‘05 was a near disaster, at which a small number of Dylan’s older fans, disgruntled by the lack of nasal whining, heckled the singer-songwriter with taunts such as “JUDAS!”, “TRAITOR”, and “I OUGHT TO BUNG YOU UP MYSELF, ARSEHOLE!” Dylan’s more accommodating fans have since forgiven him, accustomed as they are to the musical legend’s minor, yet somehow controversial, spontaneous swerves in direction (such as abandoning acoustic guitars in favour of electrics, rejecting his Jewish heritage in favour of born again Christianity, and replacing inspirational protest songs with hastily-composed incomprehensible dirges about the apparent merits of Alicia Keys), and Dylan has continued to tour successfully throughout the world, performing to legions of frazzled beards and hipster twits.

The court case is set to go to trial sometime this March, as Dylan takes a break from his ongoing ‘Never Entertaining Tour’.

Bob Dylan’s throat, meanwhile, has been unavailable for comment, and is said to be busy working on a track called “I only coughed to say I love you” in collaboration with Tom Waits’ tar-coated oesophagus.

SPINAL BAP'S TOP ALBUMS OF 2010

2010-12-24T16:29:00.004Z

The xXx - xXx
Unenthusiastic disco-goth featuring an unusually subdued Vin Deisel.

Janelle Monáe - The ArchAndroid
So ground-breaking, forward-thinking, and futuristic it didn’t even have gaps between the songs. Like Madonna’s Confessions on the Dancefloor. From 2005.

Robyn - Body Talk
SHE’S THE CREDIBLE FACE OF POP MUSIC
SHE’S THE CREDIBLE FACE OF POP MUSIC
SHE’S THE CREDIBLE FACE OF POP MUSIC
SHE’S THE CREDIBLE FACE OF POP…
Why aren’t you listening?
What do you mean you’re not interested?
Hello?

Katy Perry - Teenage Dream
An album as refreshing as having an ignorant Californian partygirl spray Bacardi hangover piss into your eyes and mouth whilst Snoop Doggy Dogg does a bit of a rap.

Gorillaz - Plastic Beach
Following the success of this record, Gorillaz mainman Murdoc plans to spend 2011 working on his conceptual cartoon band Blur. The “band” is made up of fictional characters based on age-old rock clichés who perform contrived novelty pop music for children. The members are “Damon” (the sanctimonious one), “Graham” (the misunderstood one), “Dave” (the boring one), and “Alex” (the floppy-haired cheese-making cunt). The project is a collaboration with Murdoc’s old flatmate, Arnold from Hey Arnold!

Hawkwind - Yes, We Are Still Going
Hawkwind are actually still going. This was their 283rd LP, they spent last month touring the UK, and currently live in what band leader Dave Brock believes to be a inter-dimensional multi-galactic quantum spaceship (a pokey bed-sit with tin foil for wallpaper and an overabundance of lava-lamps).

Michael Jackson - Yes, I did those things to those boys
Surprisingly confessional posthumous album from the late King of Pop.

Joanna Newsom - Have One (or rather, have eighteen) On Me
A record so needlessly long if you tried to sit through the whole thing in one go you’d end up with hair as long as Newsom’s herself and as well as a crippling physical aversion of all harps. But you can avoid listening to her warbling faux-folk hippyisms and still enjoy the album by not even playing the record and simply staring longingly at the many beautifully composed artful photographs of the singer’s long, stocking-clad legs which Newsom so generously included in the insert.

Vampire Weekend - Cuntra
Who says vampires have to hang around in coffins drinking blood and avoiding garlic? Some turn up in broad daylight, slap-bang in the middle billing of some popular indie festival, and proceed to play the kind of material Paul Simon himself would dismiss as “a little too Radio 2”.

Cher and Christina Aguilera - Burlesque Soundtrack
No, no, you’re quite mistaken. Burlesque in fact differs significantly from the humiliating and degrading practices of stripping or lapdancing. It involves elements of satire and vaudeville, the women are actually empowered by the experience, the participants never get completely naked, and sometimes even fat ugly birds are allowed to take part. But not in this film, thank god. The best scene featured Cher feeding a vocoder into the lips of her botoxed vagina and squeezing out a range of differently pitched fanny-farts which Christina then had to match with her multi-octave voice, despite the disadvantage of having her throat clogged up by a particularly stubborn globule of executive producer semen.

RUSSELL BRAND BATTLES INFIDELITY IMPULSES BY GRAFTING EXTRA VAGINAS ONTO BODY OF KATY PERRY

2010-12-14T18:36:00.005Z

In a gallant attempt to remain faithful to his new bride and stave off the inevitable boredom of matrimony, Russell Brand has discovered an innovative new way of satisfying his compulsive urges for copious quantities of promiscuous sex. Using state of the art medical technology, Hollywood surgeon Dr. Denzil Lipstitch is to graft between 6 and 80 dead donors’ vaginas onto various locations of Katy Perry’s 26 year old body, for her satyriasic husband to discover and investigate at his pleasure.

Perry has expressed boundless enthusiasm for the operation, despite the procedure requiring several excruciating hours of painful surgery which will result in the singer’s figure looking like it’s been caught in the crossfire of a semi-automatic flangegun. In an interview with Radio 1’s preeminent investigative journalist Fearne Cotton, Perry explained that “I would do anything to make my man happy. I, like, totally dig him, and would gladly have the fannies… ha ha, isn’t that what you Brits call them here? …the fannies of car crash victims sewn all over my back and limbs if that’s what will please him.”
“Wicked,” agreed Cotton perceptively, “I mean, it’s, like, a bit weird for a strong, beautiful woman not to have some kind of cosmetic surgery in this day and age, isn’t it? Wicked. Brilliant. Totally wicked. I think it’s wicked. Wicked.” The interview subsequently petered out as both parties became increasingly distracted by a particularly shiny five pence piece.

The proposed operation has been condemned as an immoral perversion of science by US religious groups who frequently refer to Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein without ever having read it. However, Mr. Roger Mourning, widowed husband of one of the deceased twat donors, is pleased that his wife’s body will be put to good use. “Emma had such a generous soul,” he explained through a niagara of tears and snot, “and it is a blessing that she can keep on giving after she has gone. She was such a huge fan of Russell’s ability to tell embarrassing stories from his life as a sex-obsessed drug-addict to comic effect, and she also found one or two of Perry’s early singles to be mildly tolerable.”

Since the news broke, Brand has been unavailable for comment as he has been busy perusing the erotic literature section of a Covent Garden bookshop in 1786.

ALAN MCGEE TO ADD AUTHENTICITY TO SCREAMADELICA ANNIVERSARY TOUR BY SWALLOWING A GOB-FULL OF E AND WANDERING ABOUT BACKSTAGE TALKING ABSOLUTE BOLLOCKS

2010-11-26T18:54:00.006Z

As if it wasn’t embarrassing enough already to tour off the back of a twenty year old album because recent material has been uninspired bargain-bin fodder with lyrics like “I‘m the garbage man/I’m the garbage man/Sticky fingers in your trashcan/I’m the garbage man”, now Bobby Gillespie (Mick Jagger for the rave generation) has decided to take his midlife crisis to a new low. Primal Scream’s 2010/11 tour sees the band playing their 1991 album Screamadelica in full, even though the record sounds rather dated these days and it was all producer Andrew Weatherall’s work in the first place. To relive his hedonistic, carefree youth, and to “add authenticity” to the tour, Bobby Gillespie (The Aldi Mick Jagger) has hired ex-Creation Records boss Alan McGee to be present backstage on every date of the tour, during which he will be required to consume a minimum of seven ecstasy pills per night with which to inspire his characteristic horseshit pronouncements such as “yir witnessing the future o’ music” and “ah bet yirs tae thousand poonds the nex' Heavy Stereo record is ga’in triple pla’inum, aye.”

The ‘Scream, as they are known by people who also still listen to Oasis and Shed Seven, are to reissue Screamadelica on March 7 next year, as a special collector’s edition boxset which will include 2 double LPs, 8 CDs, 27 ‘making of’ DVDs, a limited edition print of Bobby Gillespie (Mick Jagger for the deaf and the stupid), a postcard collection, two glossy posters, a t-shirt, a butcher, a baker, and a candlestick maker. The set is to be remastered by Kevin Shields and will thus fortunately never see the light of day.

CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY COULDN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT M.I.A.

2010-11-15T18:58:00.005Z

An insider from the C.I.A. has revealed exclusively to Spinal Bap that the intelligence agency to which he belongs is not in the least bit interested in the activities, opinions, pronouncements, or (especially) the music of Maya Arulpragasam, aka M.I.A.

This information is contrary to the claims of Arulpragasam herself, who is under the impression that the C.I.A. has bugged the telephones of both her and her extended family, and that the agency’s operatives follow her every movement in surveillance vans disguised with the words “U.P.S.”, “FEDEX”, and “ICE-CREAM”.

The reason, M.I.A. believes, for her supposed observance are her outspoken, controversial, and undeniably radical comments in press interviews, a small number of which read as follows:

“Governments are, like, well bad, aren’t they? Do you know what I mean? Cos, they, like, do wars and stuff. And wars are bad.” (NME, 2005)

“You know that movie, The Social Network, yeah, well that movie is just propaganda conceived to cover up the fact that Facebook was actually invented by The Pentagon to survey the activities of the masses. It’s, like, totally what happened in that book, Big Brother by George Orwell… which I’ve nearly finished reading.” (Guardian Weekend Magazine, 2010)

“Terrorism is good, you know, if it’s for a good thing, but terrorism what is for a bad thing, that’s, like, well, a really bad thing. But, you know who the real terrorists are, don’t you? It’s the governments. And the oil companies. Yeah, I said it!” (New Statesman, 2008)

M.I.A.’s lyrics, she claims, are also cause for concern for the U.S. government. For example, the incisive and incendiary rap/poetry of 2010 track Lovalot:

They told me this country was free
The FBI, well they don’t like me
‘Cos I’m just like Bob Marley
And also loads like Mahatma Gandhi
Shuck-a-lucka-lee
Push pineapple shake the tree

Our C.I.A insider denied M.I.A.’s allegations, however, stating that “the state is on high terrorism alert, for God’s sake. The Taliban are continuously establishing more and more fundamentalist sleeper cells throughout the western world with the aim of destroying every aspect of our society, culture, freedom, happiness, our life as we know it. Don’t you think we’ve got better things to do with our time than follow the insipid actions of a Mercury nominated hip-hop/grime/world music fusion artist?”

He also urged other musicians to try to curb their egos and sense of self-importance, instead of perpetuating the damaging myth that the security services are wasting tax payers’ money on surveying celebrities who are both harmless and overexposed in the media in the first place. The C.I.A. operative, who has close connections with his British counterparts, asked us to recall the interview in which Radiohead’s frontman made similar announcements, around the time of the group’s comatose glitch-pop album Kid A. “Remember when Thom Yorke decided that MI5 had a file on him? I chased that up. Turns out they had a copy of OK Computer next to the office stereo, with a post-it note stuck to the CD case reading ‘about as threatening as a damp ham sandwich.’”

Though of course he would say that.

CHARLIE BROOKER TO RELEASE DUETS ALBUM WITH WIFE KONNIE HUQ

2010-11-04T23:44:00.006Z

Acerbic clog-faced journalist and television personality Charlie Brooker has announced plans to penetrate himself further into the mainstream by releasing an album of romantic duets with his sparkling television personality wife, Konnie Huq.

The album looks set to be the most hotly anticipated collection of celebrity duets since Peter Andre and Katie “Jordan” Price’s top 20 smash A Whole New World in 2006. Titled Beauty and the Beast, Brooker and Huq’s record will be released early next year and will contain the following cover versions (original artists in brackets):

1) Especially for You (Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan)
2) I Got You Babe (Sonny and Cher)
3) You’re The One That I Want (John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John)
4) 7 Seconds (Neneh Cherry and Youssou N’Dour)
5) Je t’aime (Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsbourg)
6) Islands in the Stream (Big Tits and Beardy)
7) Crazy In Love (Beyonce and Jay-Z)
8) I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That) (Meatloaf and Mrs. Meatloaf)
9) Never Be The Same Again (Melanie “Sporty Spice” Chisholm and Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes)
10) Baby When You’re Gone (Melanie “Sporty Spice” Chisholm and Bryan “Gravelly Face” Adams)
11) I Wanna Be Like You (King Louie and Baloo the Bear)

Having recently quit his Screen Burn column in the Guardian newspaper because he suddenly started to empathise with the vacuous celebrities he had been lacerating after marrying one*, the album will no doubt lead to further questions of Brooker’s integrity and the inevitable accusations of selling out. Already messageboards have been flooded with angry posts from juveniles who enjoy reading rude things about people on the telly whilst sniggering like Beavis and Butthead.

Huq’s fans, meanwhile, have registered little complaint, being very few and unable to achieve any state of being higher than that of perplexed gormlessness.

* http://www.guardian.co.uk/tv-and-radio/2010/oct/16/charlie-brooker-leaving-screen-burn

SONIC YOUTH FAN PRETENDS TO ENJOY LATEST THURSTON MOORE SOLO SEVEN-INCH

2010-10-24T18:24:00.004+01:00

A Sonic Youth fan confounded his friends yesterday by claiming to enjoy the latest Thurston Moore solo seven-inch. ‘Amplifier’s Lament’, on the Not Very Important independent label, features two sides of nothing but squealing feedback and a looped sample of metal drum stands being scraped across a blackboard, to the non-rhythmical backing track of a home recording of Kim Gordon assembling a flatpack Ikea double wardrobe without the aid of tools save for an amputated piano leg. The sleeve to the record features imitation abstract art and boasts “Dedicated to Stockhausen and Kerouac” in attempt to ascribe the indulgent mess an element of gravitas.

Upon receiving the seven-inch in the post, which had been mail-ordered from online record store www.esotericool.com (“for music more outside than Captain Oates”), the fan slipped the record out of its sub-Joan Miró sleeve, placed it daintily upon his gramophone, lowered the needle carefully, sat down, folded his legs, gazed upwards towards the ceiling, and arrogantly proceeded to nod along to a rhythm that didn’t exist whilst stroking his bearded chin as if appreciating the unholy racket being shat into his ears on a level quite unattainable to normal people. When pressed by his friends on what exactly they were missing, the fan mumbled his meaningless stock phrases of “avant minimalism”, “post-noise experimentation”, “Steve Reich-isms”, and “taking rock to its logical conclusion”. The friends remained unconvinced, leaving him to enjoy the cacophony alone as they departed to attend a Fleet Foxes concert with some girls.

After they had gone, the fan gave the record a couple more spins before logging onto the internet to see if the latest proper Sonic Youth LP was available for preorder yet from the Matador website, secretly anticipating the prospect of listening to something with comprehensible lyrics, conventional rhythms, pop sensibilities, vocal melodies, and some actual bloody music on it.

NEITHER TING TING UNDERGOING TREATMENT FOR OVERWORK

2010-10-13T17:36:00.006+01:00

British pop duo The Ting Tings have had their otherwise impeccable integrity called into doubt this week as it emerged that, contrary to the earnestly-sung lyrics of their latest single, neither one of the two band members has ever suffered from overwork, fatigue, exhaustion, stress, or ever having had to put the minutest degree of effort into any aspect of their lives in the slightest.

“Clap your hands if you’re working too hard” are the words which, in traditional Ting Tings style, are repeated over and over and over again in their new, imaginatively titled, single “Hands”, which has been all over the radio, and on the television, played in the supermarkets, and sung directly into Jools Holland’s smug pale face.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVbtBLZxL6w

Ironically, however, it seems that the band did not work hard enough even on this song itself, with its 1980s beats, its 1980s keyboard sound, its spoken-word intro straight out of the 1980s, and its chorus which could not conceivably be any more patronizing towards the audiences to whom it will be played many times over consisting of real human beings who have to work for a living because they aren’t the grandchildren of millionaire lottery winners and who don’t have a father willing to spend his share of inheritance on forming music management companies with which to propel his beloved daughter to fame and success.*

Meanwhile, The Ting Tings have confirmed that they no longer plan to call their forthcoming album “Kunst”, as originally planned, because they decided it was too early in their career for a self-titled record.**

* http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/latest/2008/05/24/how-feud-tore-ting-tings-star-s-family-apart-115875-20427681/
** http://www.novafm.com.au/article_kunst-not-the-new-ting-tings-album-name_104247

EXCITEMENT MOUNTS AS MALKMUS CONFIRMS JICKS REUNION

2010-10-08T17:49:00.004+01:00

The tantalizing rumours have been circulating throughout the indie rock world for months, but now the moment we’ve all been waiting for is glistening alluringly upon the horizon: Stephen Malkmus has finally announced that he is to reform his seminal and hugely influential guitar and keyboard outfit, Stephen Malkmus and The Jicks.

The Jicks, need we remind you, were active in the years 2001-2008 during which time they astounded fans and critics alike with their four LP releases and hit tunes such as Jo Jo’s Jacket, Dark Wave, Baby C’mon, and that song where he says the word “One” over and over again. Since early 2010, however, Malkmus has been inexplicably frittering his time away by playing in the obscure and oddly-named lo-fi group Pavement; a band who are usually accused of causing more irritation than pleasure on account of being too sloppy, too underproduced, too lyrically dexterous, and of not letting Malkmus play enough of his sublimely long and unfocussed not-quite-soothing yet not-quite-rocking nimble-fingered guitar solos.

Having finally put this stain on an otherwise pristine résumé behind him, Malkmus has confirmed on his website that The Jicks are to reform with their classic line-up of Malkmus, Janet Weiss, Joanna Bolme, and that skinny bald guy who makes all those already perfect tunes even more perfect by playing twiddly bits on the keyboard, occasionally hitting a tambourine, and dancing as overenthusiastically as a sexually repressed English Literature masters student having mistakenly overestimated the jollity of the atmosphere at an underwhelming house party.

The Jicks will embark on a world tour next year, with dates on two or perhaps even three different continents, in support of a brand new album produced by none other than the Prince-impersonating Scientologist Beck, a record which will no doubt stringently avoid the pitfalls of sloppiness, underproduction, too few guitar solos, and intelligent lyrical dexterity.

In other news, the long awaited Frank Black and the Catholics reformation has been frustratingly postponed even longer, with Black choosing to schedule further dates with his lackluster vanity project The Pixies.

CHRIS MOYLES ACCUSES BBC OF PINCHING HIS DINNER MONEY

2010-09-28T22:35:00.003+01:00

Warthog-faced breakfast DJ Chris Moyles started his show last Tuesday with a half hour rant against the BBC in which he accused the corporation of stealing his dinner money, calling him horrible names behind his back, and giving him a Chinese burn until his arm went bright red and really very sore.

Early reports suggested that Moyles was looking forward to spending the dinner money on two beef baguettes, ten packets of crisps (six cheese and onion, two smoky bacon, and two prawn cocktail), eight kingsize Mars Bars, and a Curly Wurly at the BBC tuckshop.

A small number of the nicknames he is believed to have been called by other BBC employees in the past few weeks are as follows: Fatty Arbuckle, Lard Arse, Pie Face, Swollen Bollock Head, Piss Boils, Blubber Tits, Jabba the Hutt, Jabba the Glut, and Jabba the F***ing C**t.

The Chinese burn is thought to be a metaphorical one of some kind.

The sudden “disrespectful treatment” of the burger-inhaling disc jockey is part of the BBC’s new crackdown on bullying in the workplace; the latest solution being piloted by the broadcasting company is “to fight bullying with bullying.” It seems, therefore, that the bloated kebab swallower has objected to a taste of his own hate-filled medicine; in the six years since he took over the Radio 1 Breakfast Show the waddling human beer-belly has regularly used the word “gay” as a derogatory insult, referred to women as “slags” and “dirty whores”, had his “team” (or “gang”) pin down BBC admin assistants of both sexes while he administered painful wedgies, and once tied a female intern to a chair, instructed “Comedy Dave” to hold her mouth wide open with his pastry-encrusted fingers while Moyles shoved scrunched-up signed photographs of his own balloon-jowlled face down her throat until she could no longer breathe, all because she could not adequately explain the offside rule.

Moyles’ mummy, in the meantime, has denied that her beloved son has ever bullied anybody and says that he doesn’t have to go in if he doesn’t want to until the issue is resolved.

MORRISSEY ADVOCATES CANNIBALISM OF IMMIGRANTS AS ALTERNATIVE TO ANIMAL CONSUMPTION

2010-09-09T22:53:00.003+01:00

In an interview with a UK broadsheet newspaper at the weekend, ex-Smiths warbler Morrissey revealed the amalgamation of two of his most notorious viewpoints: his militant vegetarianism and his massive racism. During the Q&A, which was conducted by celebrity Smiths fan and dour northern poet Arman Simontage, the bequiffed misanthrope suggested that the farming of innocent animals should be halted immediately, and that meat-eaters who were still addicted to flesh could have their cravings satisfied by the mass slaughter and consumption of immigrants, both legal and illegal.

Though not pressed on the issue by Simontage, who was distracted in the task of attempting to push into Morrissey’s moisturized hand an unrequested signed copy of his latest underwhelming collection, Another Muted Autumn, Morrissey was given a small amount of time and column space to explain that the scheme would succeed in “killing two birds with one stone.” He added that this was merely a figure of speech and that anybody who willingly killed even one actual bird, by stoning or any other method, was subhuman and would definitely burn in hell forever and ever and ever.

Human rights activists have been up in arms at the revelation, demanding that Morrissey retract his offensive comments, whilst Morrissey’s fans have continued to enthusiastically purchase his records and concert tickets even though this is just one incident in a long line which reveal their hero to be a thoroughly dislikable scrotum.

Unfortunately for the Mancunian xenophobe, the plan has backfired somewhat as his solution to the perceived immigrant problem has proven so popular in Italy that the policy has been immediately implemented by Berlusconi’s government, and, as Morrissey himself spends most of his time residing in Rome, it has been arranged that as soon as he arrives back in the country after his current promotional tour he is to be baked into a fat lasagna.

GUNS 'N' ROSES TURN UP TWENTY YEARS LATE FOR READING FESTIVAL APPEARANCE

2010-09-02T17:28:00.004+01:00

Guns ‘n’ Roses have come under criticism from both attendees and organisers of the Reading Festival for showing up over twenty years too late for their headlining slot last weekend. Originally booked to perform at the 1990 event, when the cock-rock group were at the height of their powers, the band were due to appear promptly at 21.30 on Friday 24 August, 1990, but did not manage to reach the stage until 22.30 on Friday 27 August, 2010, after most fans had become bored and irritated.

Axl Rose, whose name is famously an anagram for ‘Lax Sore’, released a statement on twatter.com/axlrose defending the incident, in which he claimed, “Turning up twenty years too late with a troupe of lowly session musicians whilst resembling a bloated Mick Hucknall and squealing like a parched, castrated vole were all terms of our contract. Reading Festival are against Guns ‘n’ Roses. The fans are against Guns ‘n’ Roses. Everyone is against Guns ‘n’ Roses . Guns ‘n’ Roses want their Mommies. Guns ‘n’ Roses are taking their toys and they’re going home.”

Rose also expressed anger that the band’s sound was cut off midway through their encore of ‘Paradise City’, though sources from the festival have explained to us that this was actually an act of charity intending to save the squealing ego twonk any further embarrassment after a set which included a number of tracks from 2008’s “comeback” album Chinese Democracy which nobody wanted to hear as well as numerous unnecessary and underwhelming costume changes.

Guns ‘n’ Roses were not the only unpunctual act at this year’s fest, however, with Blink-182 and The Libertines turning up a good eleven and six years late respectively. Neither of these acts suffered from having their sound cut off, however, as their equally catastrophic lack of musical ability led the stage crew to assume that both bands consisted of deprived or disadvantaged children with learning disabilities who had won a competition or something.

KATRINA SUFFERING FROM THIRD DEGREE BURNS UPON FEET

2010-08-25T19:32:00.001+01:00

Katrina Leskanich was admitted into hospital at the weekend for emergency treatment of severe burn wounds to both of her feet. The injuries occurred as matters got out of control when Katrina was engaged in her customary practice of walking on sunshine. At the initial signs of danger, the singer had attempted to extinguish the fire with her Waves but the flames proved just too fierce and uncontrollable. She is currently being treated in the St. Andrew’s burns unit at the Broomfield Hospital in Chelmsford. A specialist at the hospital has released a statement highlighting the dangers of Katrina’s activity and warning her fans not to make the same mistake: “It is surprising that Katrina and the Waves were not more seriously hurt, or perhaps even killed. Walking on sunshine is an extremely ill-advised and dangerous activity in which to partake for even two or three minutes. To have been doing this on-and-off for almost thirty years is unthinkable.”

OASIS TO REFORM FOR SPECIAL 'BE HERE NOW' THIRTEEN-YEAR ANNIVERSARY SHOWS

2010-08-13T18:46:00.006+01:00

Noel Gallagher today sent shivers of anticipation through the music world by announcing that he is to make amends with his estranged brother Liam, and follow in the footsteps of his archrivals Blur, by reforming his old band: Oasis. The group are poised to play a five-night residency at the HMV Forum, each night performing their seminal third album Be Here Now in its entirety.

The shows are the latest in the ATP promotions’ Don’t Look Back series of concerts, in which cult musicians are asked to recite their most definitive album in full, from beginning to end. Previous successes have included The Lemonheads doing It’s a Shame about Ray, Mudhoney performing Superbuzz Bigmuff Plus Early Singles, Slint playing Spiderland, and Terence Trent D’Arby blasting through his cross-genre groundbreaking kazoo-wielding opus Neither Fish Nor Flesh.

As well as having coaxed the return of his erratic younger brother, the reunited all-star Oasis line-up will feature the talents of Paul “Bonehead” Arthurs, Paul “Guigsy” McGuigan, Andy “Belly” Bell, Gem “Gemmy” Archer, Tony “Carrolly” McCarroll, and Zak “Zak Starkey” Starkey. Also returning to the fold will be Noel Gallagher’s famous monobrow, “Monny”. The monobrow, sported by Noel during the years of Oasis’ artistic and commercial peak, has not been sighted since 2006 when Noel was persuaded to drop the ‘brow when receiving male grooming tips from his new friend Russell Brand who was dressed as a disabled pirate. Rumours among music industry insiders suggest that Monny consequently fell on hard times and in order to make ends meet found a day-job as a professional shoe polisher, whilst satisfying his need to perform by playing gigs in the evenings around the West Midlands area as a member of Charlatans tribute band ‘The Charlatan Charlatans’.

Messageboards have been buzzing with fans’ excitement at the opportunity to hear all their favourite Oasis tunes one more time; D’You Know What I Mean, All Around the World, and Magic Pie, to name just three. The only disappointment has been the news that Johnny Depp, who provided additional guitar on the classic number “Fade In-Out”, will not be appearing at the shows, as he is far too busy dressing up as a disabled pirate.

Some devotees of the ATP concerts and festivals have criticized the Oasis shows as evidence of the increasingly commercial and populist nature of the promotional company, once regarded as an important supporter of alternative and outsider music. These accusations have been denied by Barry Hogan, ATP’s head honcho, who claimed to have been a follower of the Mancunian indie rockers since “even before Wonderwall”, speaking to us from his secret lair built into the hills overlooking Butlin’s, Minehead, through a golden telephone, whilst receiving a massage from the identical twin sisters from School of Seven Bells.

2010 MERCURY MUSIC PRIZE TO BE JUDGED BY PANEL OF DEAF PEOPLE

2010-07-23T16:34:00.005+01:00

The shortlist was announced earlier this week, and it has now been revealed that the panel set to cast the final decision on which album will receive this year’s prestigious Mercury Music Prize will consist entirely of aurally challenged judges. The appointment of the hard-of-hearing jury is speculated to have been instigated in response to last year’s competition problems, during which several panel members were struck down with sickness and nausea caused by intense and prolonged exposure to Kasabian’s West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum. Further alarm bells were triggered in the process of compiling the shortlist for 2010’s award when several listeners contracted symptoms of bilharzial dysentery upon being forced to listen to the debut album of Mumford & Sons for the third time in a row.

The employment of deaf people in judging the prize may effect the criteria for winning the award, although nobody at the Mercury Prize has ever revealed what the criteria may consist of, or if there is any criteria at all. However, it seems that quality of the albums’ artwork will hold more sway than usual this year, as well as the quality of the lyrics (at least for those of the nominees who bothered to reproduce them in the liner notes). It is perhaps for reasons of aesthetics, then, that since the announcement of the deaf judges, the betting odds on the prize have changed rather dramatically. Previous favourites The xx have slipped to 200/1 on account of their cheap haircuts, visible zits, and inability to appear non-monochrome, whereas Laura Marling and Corrine Bailey Rae have shot up to joint favourites as the panel, although being all-deaf, is still ninety per cent male and are therefore expected to admire the view of both Marling and Rae’s seductively crossed, long, luscious, young legs as each takes her turn to timidly and unenthusiastically strum her acoustic guitar whilst sat atop the traditional female singer-songwriter quite-high-stool.

Fears that the panel might accidentally pick an album that might not in fact the best British record of the year on account of their deafness are said not be troubling the organisers of the prize; previous winners have included Suede, Elbow and M People.

IAN MACKAYE PROMISES TO SELL OUT BEFORE 2023

2010-07-19T17:54:00.004+01:00

Minor Threat/Fugazi/The Evens frontman Ian MacKaye has shocked the rock world today by announcing in a fanzine interview that he plans to “undoubtedly sell out before 2023.” Formerly obsessed with integrity and ethics, MacKaye has been infamous for his stringent, some might say fundamentalist, principles which include militant vegetarianism, teetotalism, releasing all records through his own Dischord label rather than through any major label or distributor, endeavoring to charge as little as possible for records and concert tickets, refusing to manufacture official merchandise, and encouraging illegal downloading.

All this looks set to end, however, as MacKaye aims to eventually whore himself to the man after all. The first stage of this will see MacKaye sign a deal with Universal, towards the end of the year 2022. Universal will embark on an extensive reissuing campaign, re-releasing the entire Dischord back-catalogue as a set of deluxe packages featuring b-sides, previously unheard live tracks, unpublished Glen E. Friedman black-and-white photographs, and brand new remixes from A-list producers such as Timbaland, Pharrell Williams, and Dappy out of the N-Dubz. At the same time, the song ‘Merchandise’ will be licensed for use in a worldwide advertising campaign by multinational clothing retailer The GAP.

The move looks set to please MacKaye’s fans, many of whom have been angrily calling for the post-hardcore singer to abandon his frivolous principles for nigh on twenty years. Fugazi fans, for example, were notorious within the ’80s and ’90s rock and punk communities for loudly campaigning for the singer/guitarist to reach out to the untapped mainstream audience, and to spread his net as wide as possible.
“This is a most encouraging move,” Evens fan Chester Budd told us from a Washington D.C. Starbucks outlet, “MacKaye deserves recognition, he deserves to be on MTV, he deserves to appear in Rolling Stone, he deserves the monetary rewards, he deserves the top billing at European festivals along with his balding reformed contemporaries, and his followers, like me, can’t wait to be freed from this horrible little elitist cult. We just want to be like normal human beings.”

This is not the first time MacKaye has attempted to sell out, or at least dip his emotional-hardcore toes into murky big business sewage. In 1992, for example, he guested on the Sonic Youth track ‘Youth Against Fascism’, which was released on the David Geffen label. Yet this stab at trying to appease his frustrated fans appeared to backfire, with many criticizing that MacKaye had not gone far enough. “I mean one track on a Sonic Youth album? What the hell is that? How many people even heard that record? He should have been rocking out with Slash or Kravitz, not jerking around with those arty douche bags. He’s better than that,” said Mr. Budd.

A source said the move has been postponed until 2023 in order for MacKaye to “get a few things in order, to milk his last few years of credibility and enjoy his last moments of anonymity as much as possible, as well as to psychologically prepare himself for his imminent supping of the sweat that drips from the scabbed and hairy balls of capitalism.”

DIZZEE RASCAL ATTEMPTS TO BEAT WORLD RECORD FOR EMBARRASSING COLLABORATIONS SET BY WYCLEF JEAN

2010-07-04T23:30:00.007+01:00

He won the 2003 Mercury Music Prize at the tender age of 18, picked up the NME Award for Innovation the following year, was Best British Male at last year’s Brits, and has probably won several MOBOs if anybody still takes any notice of them. But those achievements have done little to quench Dizzee Rascal’s ambition and thrust to win further honours and smash yet more records. It therefore comes as no surprise that Mr. Rascal has risen to a new, almost entirely unrealistic and perhaps even foolhardy challenge. It has been revealed that Dizzee is embarking on a quest in which he hopes to beat the world record for largest number successive toe-curlingly embarrassing collaborations (and still maintain a career at the end of it all). The current record holder is ex-Fugee Wyclef Jean who in the late nineties and early noughties released tracks featuring the “talents” of country twerp Kenny Rogers, welsh windbag Tom Jones, homophobic dancehall star Buju Banton, oily wrestling bimbo The Rock, and even Brian Harvey from East-17.

Dizzee Rascal, rising to the challenge, already has a number of embarrassing collaborations under his belt, including those with Lilly Allen, Alex Turner, and his 2009 No.1 single with pasty-faced poor man’s James Murphy weekend-obsessed eighties-loving disco cretin Calvin Harris. At the time of the latter’s release, critics assumed Dizzee had suffered a serious lapse in quality control, that he had lost his mind, or had been led astray by manipulative management and/or intense record company pressure. Now, it seems, he had a greater scheme in mind. Since metaphorically bedding Harris, Rascal has picked up the pace immensely having hooked up with obese and squealing excitable comedy actor (not comedian) James Cordon for a world cup song which proved even worse than the England team’s performance as well as twig-faced compulsive You Got the Love coverer Florence Welch at this year’s Glastonbury bland-fest.

Dizzee is set for a bumpy ride, however, as a certain Mr. Jean is unlikely to take this challenge to his crown of disgrace lying down. Rumours have already emerged that Wyclef’s epic new album will consist entirely of duets and feature completely intolerable guest spots from the likes of Jamie Cullum, Gareth Gates, Geri Halliwell, Gary Barlow, Danii Minogue, Peter Andre, Sharleen Spiteri, Paloma Faith, Johnny Borrell, Bret Michaels, Billy Joel, Mick Hucknall, Boy George, Jason Donovan, Fred Durst, Craig David, Kelly Osbourne, Kelly Jones, Kate Nash, K-Fed, someone from Kasabian, Pete Doherty, Peaches Geldof, Bob Geldof, Limahl from Kajagoogoo, Brian May, 4 Poofs and a Piano, Simon Le Bon, Mika, Jim Davidson, Nickleback, Donny Osmond, some other Osmonds, Dane Bowers, David Hasselhoff, David Cassidy, David Bellamy, John McCririck, Rik Waller, Rick Witter, the bloke from Embrace, Amanda Holden, Cheryl Baker, Whigfield, both Appleton sisters, the other three quarters of East-17, and Mr. FUCKING Hudson.

Dizzee Rascal’s management, in the meantime, seem untroubled by the possibility of the phoenix of indignity rising from the blushing flames of shame, as Dizzee has a number of unbearable collaborations in the pipeline, including what they claim to be “the embarrassing team-up to end all embarrassing team-ups.” We can’t say at this time exactly who it will be or exactly how bad it will be. As a teaser, however, we can reveal that the certain someone begins with a 'B' and ends in 'ono from U2'.

MADONNA ARRESTED UNDER SUSPICION OF FATTENING UP ADOPTED CHILDREN FOR CHRISTMAS

2010-06-24T15:50:00.002+01:00

Worldwide global pop sensation Madonna was granted bail today after having been arrested yesterday at her home in New York City, where she has been living since her split with ex-husband Guy Ritchie, under suspicion of feeding excessive quantities of fatty foods and sugar-based snacks to her adopted children with the intention of consuming the kids herself in a Satanic yuletide ceremony which would aim to prolong her life. David Banda and Chifundo ‘Mercy‘ James, both Malawi-born, were taken into care while an investigation is carried out by the New York Police Department in collaboration with the social services. The children were captured by paparazzi exiting their home, Mercy had visibly gained pounds, whereas David appeared the podgier of the two, waddling along, clutching a Twinky, seemingly struggling to breathe, as if soundtracked by a man with a baritone tuba.

The incident has increased speculation that Madonna originally adopted these deprived kids from the Third World with the specific sinister intention to increase their weight and then devour them when they became fat enough to satisfy her diabolical hunger. Other sources have added that it could have part of a program to keep Madonna alive for longer, or possibly forever, and could be linked to Satanism or the mystical religion ‘Kabbalah’, whatever the hell that is. The story has been compared to that of the infamous Hungarian countess, Elizabeth Bathory, who is thought to have regularly bathed in the blood of virgins in an attempt to gain immortality, though Madonna’s management has claimed that “such comparisons are both unfair and unfounded.” Madonna’s birth daughter Lourdes was also caught leaving the family home, but with her slender, trimmed professional dancer’s body, it is possible that Lourdes, too, far from having been fattened up, may also have been interested or complicit in the possibility of immortality, despite being only thirteen years of age.

Madonna is currently staying with friends elsewhere in the city whilst the NYPD search her home for any further clues or suspicious possessions. So far, however, the investigation has proved fruitless with nothing unearthed other than a number of innocent empty Pringles tubes in the garbage and a cute little house in the garden of the grounds made entirely out of gingerbread.

CHERYL COLE COLLABORATES WITH JEFF TWEEDY

2010-06-10T15:17:00.001+01:00

Girls Aloud member Cheryl Cole, soon to revert back to her maiden name following husband Ashley’s infidelities and the couple’s imminent divorce, has revealed further solo career plans with the announcement of a joint album with Wilco’s alt-country Americana star Jeff Tweedy. The album, to be released under the moniker Tweedy&Tweedy, is reported to be a dueted collection of Nat King Cole covers.

The move is a slight left-turn for Cheryl, though she has endured success in her previous collaborations with Black Eyed Peas’ Will.I.Am. Tweedy&Tweedy’s press statement denied that the project spelt the end of the multi-platinum girl group, speculation also fueled by Nadine Coyle’s upcoming single with Wayne Coyne and Sarah Harding’s plans to work with Hefner drummer Antony Harding.

BBC TO REPLACE 6 MUSIC WITH 24-HOUR IAN DURY CHANNEL

2010-06-08T13:09:00.000+01:00

After months of speculation, the BBC has finally announced its plans for the status of the 6 Music digital radio station, which has been under review as part of attempts by the Beeb to cut costs and streamline its services. Following a number of high profile and widely reported protests, petitions, and campaigns on social media network websites such as FaceStroke in opposition to 6 Music’s potential closure, director general Mark Thompson has revealed that, rather than shut down the channel entirely, it will be replaced by a slightly cheaper service, offering 24-hour rolling Ian Dury content. This compromise will consist of archived Dury interviews, old radio sessions, previously recorded Blockhead concerts, documentaries on the making of the tracks ‘Hit me with your rhythm stick’ and ‘Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll’ as well as live transmissions from the Camden Barfly of Dury poetry as read by Phil Jupitus. Whilst still facing criticism from 6 Music campaigners, Mark Thompson pointed out that BBC Dury 24 had already been running for a fortnight in place of its parent channel, without anybody noticing the difference.

In other news, the BBC Asian Network is to be axed as planned.

STARS OF THE LID SPLIT FOLLOWING COWBELL DISAGREEMENT

2010-06-07T19:24:00.000+01:00

Stars of the Lid duo Adam Wiltzie and Brian McBride announced their immediate split today after Wiltzie’s fury at his bandmate’s attempt to incorporate a cowbell into the band’s drone-based comatose sound. A source close to the band confirmed that the dispute occurred whilst Stars of the Lid were working on new track, “Lying in a Silent Field with an Impotent Gasmask: Part IV”, a composition largely resembling the Eno-influenced sound the duo are famed for. At around the seven-minute mark of the eighth take, Brian became “somewhat agitated”, and without warning grabbed hold of the jaunty percussion instrument which had been left behind by a ska-punk band that had previously booked the studio. McBride then “proceeded to bang it with the enthusiasm of Animal from The Muppets.” Adam Wiltzie, at this point engaged in trying to hold a minor chord on his guitar for as long as humanly possible, due to the sudden shock, and perhaps compelled by the energetic rhythm and tone of the cowbell, felt his fingers involuntarily twitch across to a second chord, allegedly a G-major. As soon as he had realised what was happening, Wiltzie became engulfed with rage, threw his guitar at the studio wall, and screamed “cowbells and second chords are not what Stars of the Lid are all about, asshole!”

Brian McBride then attempted to pacify the furious Wiltzie, explaining that they had both been playing basically the exact same piece of ambient music together for years, with virtually zero commercial reward, and that he was literally yearning for variation, “a tambourine, some maracas, ANYTHING.” The duo, however, soon agreed that their differences could not be reconciled, and they have since announced their demise in a press statement to the music press citing a “definite hiatus.” The music press are said to be “uninterested at best.”

Following the split, Adam Wiltzie is continuing to work in the Stars of the Lid vein, crafting a “purposefully flaccid symphony” ether to be released under his own name or his Dead Texan moniker. McBride, on the other hand, has begun work on an “ambitious sub-Salsa-grind post-electro dubstep white rap project” featuring guest musicians Omar Rodríguez-López of the Mars Volta, Little Boots and Kid Rock DJ Uncle Kracker. Other sources have suggested this information to be false, and that McBride currently resides in a Texas rehab centre where he is being treated for Post-Traumatic Musical Over-Excitement Disorder (‘PTMOED’).

Susan Part, President of the Stars of the Lid fanclub ‘Tired Sounds’, told us “though it is a great shame that Adam and Brian will no longer be making music together, they have an outstanding body of work that they can both be hugely proud of and which will undoubtedly cement their legacy as giants of the post-post-rock soundscape scene. They will also continue to be massive influence on aspiring ambient musicians too young to remember Brian Eno, or perhaps too embarrassed to listen to him because he produces U2. Besides,” added Part, “perhaps splitting up was the best decision to take under the circumstances, as how many Stars of the Lid fans would appreciate being woken up mid cannabis- or morphine-induced slumber by a piercing and unwelcome cowbell being suddenly twonked?” Reporting on Wiltzie and McBride’s ongoing projects, Tired Sounds will continue to publish and circulate its biannual newsletter to its seven subscribers.

The incident is, of course, not the first cowbell-related musical mishap in recent memory. Californian stoner rockers Fu Manchu were forced to cancel a show in Paris on their 2002 European Tour when drummer Scott Reeder misplaced the band’s cowbell and was unable to unearth any other drum or percussion object during soundcheck that could imitate, replicate or replace the instrument that has become so critical to the Fu’s desert rock sound. “The entire vibe of our awesome unit,” stated Fu Manchu frontman Scott Hill in an interview from the back of a pickup truck, “simply fell flat. I mean, it was like being castrated, dude.” The ‘bell was later discovered in the band’s tourbus mini-fridge, behind a stack of beef mayo baguettes, and the tour continued without incident.