tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40107100026021851302024-03-19T10:27:43.269+00:00spinal bapMostly fictional music gristlespinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.comBlogger132125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-86850430119578939492023-12-19T14:33:00.005+00:002023-12-19T14:46:04.832+00:00SPINAL BAP'S TOP ALBUMS OF 2023<p><span style="background-color: white;">All a<span style="font-size: 12pt;">cross the land every magazine, website, record
shop, public house and branch of Pavers shoeshops have topped their end-of-year
charts with a certain Irish folk act. For one year only, everyone is in agreement. It’s like
we’re being asked to Lankum together. Why now? This band’s been going for ages,
you bunch of Johnny-Lankum-latelys. Are they really at their peak or is the
best yet to Lankum? “Should we wear black tie to any of the multiple awards
ceremonies we’ve been invited to?” asked the Dublin fourpiece. “Don’t worry,”
they were told. “Lankum as you are.” The musicians were also concerned about
what time to turn up because they only Lankum out at night. Don’t let them on
the karaoke microphone! Unless you want to hear a morbidly droning version of
‘Lankum On Eileen’. Sick of hearing about this band already? Here Lankums that
sinking feeling. Don’t worry, though. A change is gonna Lankum...</span><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"><br />…because there is one list this season which promises
not to include that band at all. Spinal Bap</span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;">’s Top Five Albums of 2023! </span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM ON FEEL THE NOIZE!!!</span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: red;"><br />Blur – <i>The Ballad Of Darren Hayman</i></span><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSsyZPl92GNKZgY8MTh240GTW3T0YARMLlwBUntRXiADpdmjRWdjXrheSPEy2Yg2nQKQAFFEKrpGmRUReIQ0BndDoBpIDIIkqJAKEphw62T1vvwxUojdQYh8QBfG3s530Aja67KeZEv1RTTZruSLN3-F_uzrqc6MnjDedtLveoTxmoPdTT-w55r4OZ9vc/s548/Darren.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="470" data-original-width="548" height="274" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSsyZPl92GNKZgY8MTh240GTW3T0YARMLlwBUntRXiADpdmjRWdjXrheSPEy2Yg2nQKQAFFEKrpGmRUReIQ0BndDoBpIDIIkqJAKEphw62T1vvwxUojdQYh8QBfG3s530Aja67KeZEv1RTTZruSLN3-F_uzrqc6MnjDedtLveoTxmoPdTT-w55r4OZ9vc/s320/Darren.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="background-color: white;">The ninth album from the knees-up fourpiece coincided
with their first live shows since whenever their last ones were. Savvily, the
bass-playing farmer of the group managed to synchronise Blur</span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;">’</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="background-color: white;">s latest comeback
with the launch of his undrinkable ‘Britpop’ wine. Not a very imaginative name,
that. He never was the brightest beetlebulb in the country house. How about ‘There’s
Nero d’Avola Way’? Or the more straightforward ‘This Is A Merlot’? It pairs nicely
with the cheeses Alex James also produces. Like ‘Charmless Manchego’.</span><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span><i>The Ballad Of Darren Hayman</i></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"> was a concept
album about another bloke from Essex who can’t stop writing concept albums. For
those who haven’t been following the ex-Hefner member’s solo career, the
overriding themes of Mr. Hayman’s countless albums have included astronauts,
relationships, villages, the English Civil Wars, relationships, outdoor
swimming pools, relationships, other villages, indoor swimming pools, indoor
fireworks, relationships, London, relationships, the political writings of
William Morris, towns, trains, Outer London, cafes, seasides, that bit of
London you always meant to visit but haven’t got around to seeing yet and
relationships.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"><br />There is a rumour he will be returning the favour
by writing a whole album about Blur. Its working title is </span><i style="font-size: 12pt;">Country Sad Ballad
Hayman</i><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"> and it is said to include ‘The Hymn For The Coffee & TV’.</span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"><br /><span style="color: red;">Andre 3000 – <i>New Kazoo, Son?<br /><br /></i></span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQqBNzlSkq3TdhtwjlxvggRQhuOVmEouApyYbYXS80zU9sSMbtqyk1zRjW0Iybqw6ezZsrLKRdcZQDZ_RHWAmzVX6cC0EeSZOPtnBq9neWFhBBjqG8BptGJAdSKPAXhyqyhjKy05f6qm5P322-EaoYENTSNXYaMFiwIjNsiYFmOSwSjy811xfzdDl3XY8/s800/kazoo.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="800" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQqBNzlSkq3TdhtwjlxvggRQhuOVmEouApyYbYXS80zU9sSMbtqyk1zRjW0Iybqw6ezZsrLKRdcZQDZ_RHWAmzVX6cC0EeSZOPtnBq9neWFhBBjqG8BptGJAdSKPAXhyqyhjKy05f6qm5P322-EaoYENTSNXYaMFiwIjNsiYFmOSwSjy811xfzdDl3XY8/s320/kazoo.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-size: 12pt; text-align: left;"><br /><br /></span></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">A true artist follows their creative instinct
rather than capitulating to audience expectations. That’s why, when everybody
was hoping for his first album of new age flute-based material, the ex-Outkast
rapper confounded his followers by releasing an album recorded entirely on the
kazoo. “I wanted to make a flute album, because in a way you really do
want to please your fans,” explained Andre 3000. And yet his heart kept being
drawn back to the kazoo, not least due to his love for the solo section on
Ringo Starr’s version of ‘You’re Sixteen’. Following Andre’s half‑decade quest
to master the instrument, the result was nearly 90 minutes of unlistenable
parping.</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
</p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; color: red; font-size: 12pt;"><br />The National – </span><i style="background-color: white; color: red; font-size: 12pt;">The First Two Pages Of Frankenstein
Are A Lot More Interesting Than Listening To Our Boring Ballads</i></p><p><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS2yUQwvAnCCPnQqm8GZDuWU5kfKCMugSEGkOxIRAIToFcdxVhdN9MVgBoHUmTg1Y8cWGLbIRzxJSauzNqwfGB0GwKU2xZzpO1nJ1G88hu3WUkj8-exZrzF3AwziXP7k_SsRZdoaXGkmhn0S6IPcZHlJ12sPLvZOY-Jde70bIA3acSznvUHSRFP_7J3IM/s500/Frankenstein.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="500" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS2yUQwvAnCCPnQqm8GZDuWU5kfKCMugSEGkOxIRAIToFcdxVhdN9MVgBoHUmTg1Y8cWGLbIRzxJSauzNqwfGB0GwKU2xZzpO1nJ1G88hu3WUkj8-exZrzF3AwziXP7k_SsRZdoaXGkmhn0S6IPcZHlJ12sPLvZOY-Jde70bIA3acSznvUHSRFP_7J3IM/s320/Frankenstein.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">Matt Berninger took this album title from the
novel he turned to when suffering from writer’s block, a condition from which
he claims to have recovered. The lyrics are full of other suggestions for
things to do if you’re having trouble sticking with the record’s 47 feeble
minutes of sad-dad softrock. Better bands are mentioned, for instance, like
Afghan Whigs and New Order. Put them on instead. Failing that, you could
investigate the work of those who guested on The National’s record: Phoebe
Bridgers, Sufjan Stevens or Taylor Swift. Much more fun. As if to rub in the
salt, the band released another album in 2023, which included the song ‘Turn Off The
House’. Turn off the stereo, more like.</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p><br /><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: red; font-size: 12pt;">Metallica – </span><i style="color: red; font-size: 12pt;">72 Seasonings<br /></i></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; color: red; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUS2UnMqCGi0TXutjgGY0sngX-NlHFhVVAecTZe6mo1ZafqBewUZ763falVCftMuPMywvIKA0JlG3sdzKSnvxHLO04Y44UFZX2QY3MDuHiaUDhM8o6GAq_7HYEozjenrnrGZ7opsy9y1U7WZaNFZDTWWLUFZaSRwp0Kk4xSijT9KDK2ZIJKISWC9nY88Q/s600/Metallica.jpg" style="font-size: 12pt; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="600" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUS2UnMqCGi0TXutjgGY0sngX-NlHFhVVAecTZe6mo1ZafqBewUZ763falVCftMuPMywvIKA0JlG3sdzKSnvxHLO04Y44UFZX2QY3MDuHiaUDhM8o6GAq_7HYEozjenrnrGZ7opsy9y1U7WZaNFZDTWWLUFZaSRwp0Kk4xSijT9KDK2ZIJKISWC9nY88Q/s320/Metallica.jpg" width="320" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 12pt; text-align: left;"><br /></span></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">Refusing to run out of ideas, the world’s biggest
metal band turned to the massive spice rack in one of their fancy mansions for
inspiration. You could say it was about thyme. The outcome was easily their
best record since 1983’s herbcore thrash classic <i>Dill ‘Em All</i>. Built around
appropriately spicy riffs were heavy numbers such as ‘Fenugreek & Destroy’,
‘Bad Mustard Seed’ and ‘The Four Horseradishmen’. There was a relatable
poignancy to this album too, especially the aftermath of a particularly hot
curry that’s described in the verses of ‘Jalapeño Remorse’. The band proved
they could still bring it down a notch with ballads like ‘Fade To Black
Pepper’, ‘Cardamomma Said’ and ‘Hero Of The Bay Leaf’.<br /><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br />Bonus tracks included a re-recording of the title
track from Metallica’s second album, ‘…And Justice For Allspice’, and a cover
of the classic Diamond Head tune ‘Am I Chervil?’</span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; color: red; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br />Lankum – </span><i style="font-size: 12pt;">Lankum Rain Or Lankum Shine <br /><br /></i></div></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFyuDLWNFfEFrrdy0-9rXb4CD8PkTlzuwr8adfBCgK_Igni3ebXQ9adeLT0vvOl4noTa_fOCKZLB3cUnPWA4NHbgeHPrxDjzUF9k0IOU-s8CL32cLQeDfF59hE7eKpHLbrhqRDgYhpNB06837q4PiXvUTNUnF_5dC0g7M0Qp2D3BGfHdVwl67ItmyPdQ8/s479/Lankum.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="436" data-original-width="479" height="291" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFyuDLWNFfEFrrdy0-9rXb4CD8PkTlzuwr8adfBCgK_Igni3ebXQ9adeLT0vvOl4noTa_fOCKZLB3cUnPWA4NHbgeHPrxDjzUF9k0IOU-s8CL32cLQeDfF59hE7eKpHLbrhqRDgYhpNB06837q4PiXvUTNUnF_5dC0g7M0Qp2D3BGfHdVwl67ItmyPdQ8/s320/Lankum.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">Oh, sod it. Fine. Lankum are in this list too.
Well, you know what they say. If you can’t beat ‘em…</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt; text-align: center;"> </span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><br /><br />LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">
</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">LANKUM!</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p></div></div>spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-62288964249553075442022-12-21T14:16:00.003+00:002022-12-22T11:56:42.000+00:00SPINAL BAP'S TOP ALBUMS OF 2022<p><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">“Comedy is now legal on Twitter,” declared Elon
Musk shortly before losing his position as the world’s richest wally. The way
things are going, hopefully he’ll tumble down the rankings faster than a bank
holiday cheese-chaser on Cooper’s Hill in Gloucestershire </span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">and be forced to go on the game. You’d
think a thrice divorcee with a South African accent and slappable forehead
would be a niche kink but there are plenty of fanboys out there with
cryptocurrency to splash and an involuntary celibacy predicament. The Musked
One also swore to suspend parody accounts, which seemed a counterintuitive way
to decriminalise humour. What he really wanted to stop were posts that mocked
him, his ill-informed beliefs and those of his three friends (Joe Rogan; Russell Brand; a line drawing named Dilbert). He may be </span><i style="font-size: 12pt;">almost</i><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"> as
wealthy as Bernard Arnault, but Musk’s skin remains thinner than an unpeeled
chorizo’s.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">So before he outlaws punching upwards altogether, let’s crack on with the annual shoddy rundown of crappy albums. And if
any touchy plutocrats out there don’t like it, you can always purchase this
blog at a mere sum of 44 billion dweebcoins. Then you can write PARODY across
it in virtual marker pen or simply run it into the ground quicker than I can.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /><span style="color: red;">Arcade Fire – <i>WEE</i></span></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg45kNhMrtrlUH-m7IRH2cI6sgCm2MHxO19Z3ONVZ_xZzcqyOCZPjJwwiHyoTOhpq_U33KWa92Wahtk4uRNgheQXuN_oQQdXsTMslz6OyTWP02YyJZDyc-zbTNQX4fvvuA766BZlquoBuMqlWw6UCfqhYv6ywuq1qTaCtfHzKanVjALJwHqhLWSWlpm/s294/Wee.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="291" data-original-width="294" height="291" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg45kNhMrtrlUH-m7IRH2cI6sgCm2MHxO19Z3ONVZ_xZzcqyOCZPjJwwiHyoTOhpq_U33KWa92Wahtk4uRNgheQXuN_oQQdXsTMslz6OyTWP02YyJZDyc-zbTNQX4fvvuA766BZlquoBuMqlWw6UCfqhYv6ywuq1qTaCtfHzKanVjALJwHqhLWSWlpm/s1600/Wee.jpg" width="294" /></a></div>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; mso-color-alt: windowtext;">“WE can’t wait to be in a room with you and sing
it together as it’s meant to be heard,” tweeted Arcade Fire when plugging their
first album since lockdown. “WE works better when we do it together.” The sentiment was dampened slightly when looking closer at their
account. They have over 90,000 followers on Twitter. How many accounts do they
follow back? A. Big. Fat. ZERO! They have this in common with Peter Hitchens, a
man who’s turned his nose up so many times his face is now frozen in permanent
condescension.</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">Followers: 949.6k<br /></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">Following: 0</span></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; mso-color-alt: windowtext;">#together</span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">Since the album’s release, a series of allegations
against singer Win Butler have painted some of <i>WEE</i>’s lyrics in an unfortunate
new light. “Lookout kid, trust your body / You can dance, and you can shake.”
Sorry, Edwin. I’m not really interested. “It’s not up to you.” Pardon? “You and
me could be we! Could be weeeeeeee!” Leave people alone, you PartyRing-hatted weasel.<br /><span style="color: red;"><br /><br />Kanye Westphalia – <i>Dondaseeinskampf Zwei</i></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt2Aa6dPGLV9oBa8twoOuDpY9ngXCrzyVkYZ0FCHOtM8VYXwGLGd4lJn0pAYBI5g-9WtRu_zrrZEp_0T352yt0mqARwL7RPc7oZ-Mq105nD3EDv3AJv0iSqMPB7P0kvmqHG3PIVH3h-QGwXUbIupXLuILaa2rUZknLjmUU7oEyqI9dTn-cIkvYixmH/s275/Kanye.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="183" data-original-width="275" height="183" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt2Aa6dPGLV9oBa8twoOuDpY9ngXCrzyVkYZ0FCHOtM8VYXwGLGd4lJn0pAYBI5g-9WtRu_zrrZEp_0T352yt0mqARwL7RPc7oZ-Mq105nD3EDv3AJv0iSqMPB7P0kvmqHG3PIVH3h-QGwXUbIupXLuILaa2rUZknLjmUU7oEyqI9dTn-cIkvYixmH/s1600/Kanye.jpg" width="275" /></a></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; mso-color-alt: windowtext;">In 2022 Yeezy went more batshit than Bruce Wayne’s ensuite. After a series of increasingly
antisemitic pronouncements he declared his outright hard-on for Hitler, a fascist who’d
condemn West as racially inferior and might even have struggled to appreciate
the lyrical flow on <i>My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy</i>. According to Ye, Adolf
did invent highways and microphones though, which suggests the rapper has read
fewer history books than the number of successful bids he’ll have at the White
House.</span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">Highlights on his eleventh studio album included ‘Jesus
Volks’, ‘Blutorden On The Leaves’, ‘Devil In A New Dresden’, ‘Through The
Wehrmacht’, ‘Heimkehr (featuring Chris Martin Bormann)’, and ‘Heideggers In
Paris’.<br /><span style="color: red; font-size: 12pt;"><br /><br />Muse – </span><i style="color: red; font-size: 12pt;">Willy Of The People</i></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx1z3ncWh__cexpPRXVCKsIa4Jsh-jHpmGAQ6-AEW9HBPVNmaXEA0eNIYWrKPKfggEhNv4DwhI1bDLyz2-416iHZ98T3UPVX2Rdl5lU_tZ09i1wJixqE7EbCUvlTgOmNUVeOMOkCtuIXM2u_qHs-3BajsuY3MFCtAdlOSFO_McMWEG-LopeRAp8XPz/s595/Muse.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="592" data-original-width="595" height="318" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx1z3ncWh__cexpPRXVCKsIa4Jsh-jHpmGAQ6-AEW9HBPVNmaXEA0eNIYWrKPKfggEhNv4DwhI1bDLyz2-416iHZ98T3UPVX2Rdl5lU_tZ09i1wJixqE7EbCUvlTgOmNUVeOMOkCtuIXM2u_qHs-3BajsuY3MFCtAdlOSFO_McMWEG-LopeRAp8XPz/s320/Muse.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"><br />Muse singer Matt Bellamy has renounced his beliefs
in chemtrails, spiked tap water, UFO botty probes, <i>The Moon Landings Directed
By Stanley Kubrick</i>, the Earth’s flatness, Paul McCartney’s deadness and 9/11’s
inside-jobness. Well, he says he has. Which isn’t necessarily the same thing. What hasn’t changed is his approach to writing bombastically overproduced
songs that could have some sort of socio-political sentiment behind them but
are vague enough that any interpretation can be projected onto them by anybody
on the spectrum from homemade jam bottling Green Party flyerers to QAnon nail-bomb
enthusiasts. Cast thy net wide, Bell-am-end, over that oceanwide demographic,
for Muse can be all things to all men. The Incel Bee Gees. Reclaim Party Rasmus.
Neil Oliver’s Sparks. Momentum Freddie Mercury. Centrist Dad Tool. 4chan A-ha…</span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; mso-color-alt: windowtext;">Incidentally, chances are Kanye West
listens to Muse. All the time, Muse are playing in his blinged headphones. If
not using one of his own songs (which admittedly is more likely) he'll probably
choose Muse as the theme music to his next presidential campaign. Desecration!
Liberation! Kill or be killed! Another world war! Lebensraum! Podkulachnik! Scaramouche!
Scaramouche!<br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: red; font-size: 12pt;"><br /><br />Bard Act – </span><i style="background-color: white; color: red; font-size: 12pt;">The Overcoat</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnPkKf0KlV6ggDWYrGhH6U0RbFI4yRruFozSFiy-ys5EPndYfUUTAdoGQ9x3GNHQTCyVpL1xupGRQa6Pj2KDf_q_jHGA7CCaMk_NUlbjl7mUBVTNd7aJaX06MCFAR_8B__rtFXrSVWeGALKfXgwoP-DUs9pHaBMt0bKJ308MJ4RbDn9PEd8D10sLOr/s404/BARD%20ACT.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="404" data-original-width="404" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnPkKf0KlV6ggDWYrGhH6U0RbFI4yRruFozSFiy-ys5EPndYfUUTAdoGQ9x3GNHQTCyVpL1xupGRQa6Pj2KDf_q_jHGA7CCaMk_NUlbjl7mUBVTNd7aJaX06MCFAR_8B__rtFXrSVWeGALKfXgwoP-DUs9pHaBMt0bKJ308MJ4RbDn9PEd8D10sLOr/s320/BARD%20ACT.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br />A northern man wearing a long jacket, glasses and
a ruff recites Shakespeare over a post-punk backing band. Some critics
considered it a little dated.<br /></span><span style="color: red; font-size: 12pt;"><br /><br />Bruce NoSpringChickenSteen - </span><i style="color: red; font-size: 12pt;">Only The Long Decline</i><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5r6OExi9S0BUd9qxc5fvvx2oYBRW5l34T-Wr9mQQEEkQewQGNzURXCz7JnKEE7Arp1i6mkyzNb3KJoEH0GlRlNM-9lRm_-o3KwPgj2lmwQhYNGu-x-aEWycIN4DsJtTjG-Ri0WwLJgdEZQBHYk42JHGODHt3WKh_mxoP16301O1wNN-jYTr0UCx8i/s821/bruce.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="821" data-original-width="532" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5r6OExi9S0BUd9qxc5fvvx2oYBRW5l34T-Wr9mQQEEkQewQGNzURXCz7JnKEE7Arp1i6mkyzNb3KJoEH0GlRlNM-9lRm_-o3KwPgj2lmwQhYNGu-x-aEWycIN4DsJtTjG-Ri0WwLJgdEZQBHYk42JHGODHt3WKh_mxoP16301O1wNN-jYTr0UCx8i/s320/bruce.jpg" width="207" /></a></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">Less of The Boss these days than David Brent when
he still turns up to the office after being fired, Bruce has reached the <i>Johnny
Cash American Recordings</i> stage of showbusiness. Propped in front of the
microphone by Ron Aniello and told to sing some old R&B hits, Bruce
did exactly what he was told thereby undermining all those male rockist types who vaunt his “authentic” superiority over karaoke talent show singers and
Crazy Frog.</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">To rub further salt in the earholes, Springsteen defended Ticketmaster’s cynical “dynamic pricing” model on the basis that
“Well, I’m old.” Come on, Bruce! That’s the same excuse that codgers use when
asking non-whites where they really come from or refusing to learn the preferred
pronouns of the perfectly friendly milkperson. <br /></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"><br /><br /><span style="color: red;">Liam Gallagher – </span></span><i style="background-color: white; color: red; font-size: 12pt;">C’mon, You Know, Aussie, C’mon</i></p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH8KhNltzrJm4PerXRZYdopvHLmFH4Wkq-rXd2eG6mI_Ax5TjmdBC3wMjj2S52Q8xL0C7V-1rLm8YumFw6YXCLRg74JEIiyW3rdKHsr27NmAM7Y8xDw26P1KBiZDLBQSBlyPYBFQ8yiPM1Pqyx33weZkDNFT1e-SBYCGKqjwzc_xVLuIQ-qkuyJobA/s570/Liam.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="570" data-original-width="490" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH8KhNltzrJm4PerXRZYdopvHLmFH4Wkq-rXd2eG6mI_Ax5TjmdBC3wMjj2S52Q8xL0C7V-1rLm8YumFw6YXCLRg74JEIiyW3rdKHsr27NmAM7Y8xDw26P1KBiZDLBQSBlyPYBFQ8yiPM1Pqyx33weZkDNFT1e-SBYCGKqjwzc_xVLuIQ-qkuyJobA/s320/Liam.jpg" width="275" /></a></div><br /><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">Liam Gallagher records a 45-minute version of the theme
tune to Kerry Packer’s World Series Cricket. Still not the dullest or most derivative
thing he’s ever sung.<br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: red; font-size: 12pt;"><br /><br />Kiefer Sutherland – </span><i style="background-color: white; color: red; font-size: 12pt;">Blur Streets</i></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVLsAncYzLSwR4wqYG-9Gvkr1-rvIb_hWBFsDL_Sqp8JKEZB3DeO1HnOSajrW1MJj4EtPneFUWSacUgZB2VX4KLw0kU0B2aLPfYSgipQl64Y8JeOgKEIdKgkhB6KyFOpUIGrBXdjns3k1u4GoHch4gQxQQIH0-lr4KC0a3lNPq-mNjsGZvqCv-Q9Y0/s711/blurstreets.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="711" data-original-width="711" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVLsAncYzLSwR4wqYG-9Gvkr1-rvIb_hWBFsDL_Sqp8JKEZB3DeO1HnOSajrW1MJj4EtPneFUWSacUgZB2VX4KLw0kU0B2aLPfYSgipQl64Y8JeOgKEIdKgkhB6KyFOpUIGrBXdjns3k1u4GoHch4gQxQQIH0-lr4KC0a3lNPq-mNjsGZvqCv-Q9Y0/s320/blurstreets.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">It took just <b>24</b> hours for this O.G. nepo baby to record a bunch of Blur songs in the style of The Streets. Once ridiculed for
his ropey English accent as a Roman senator in the period spear-fest <i>Pompeii</i>, the
<i>Young Guns</i> star still managed sound more convincingly cockney than either
Albarn or Skinner.<br /></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"><br /><br /><span style="color: red;">Carctic M</span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: red;">onkcars – <i>THE CAR</i></span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEZWMCPgqbiOegd0yZUmDBEbD5unMkgCY_ZSQ693uFOLaLRvDry55UbBCZVFAiCADtdllfbq5JGKPL9lVAlm0dy5CkBLhLxEaJ6w0Wg6Dn637dM0QOMjRxW578hXCOoXIzz4NGQGVq1CammqOXRsNrfz2SD31IcLP_IwLLYGKg5fXE5R4EKxlOl4zk/s1200/monkey.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="675" data-original-width="1200" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEZWMCPgqbiOegd0yZUmDBEbD5unMkgCY_ZSQ693uFOLaLRvDry55UbBCZVFAiCADtdllfbq5JGKPL9lVAlm0dy5CkBLhLxEaJ6w0Wg6Dn637dM0QOMjRxW578hXCOoXIzz4NGQGVq1CammqOXRsNrfz2SD31IcLP_IwLLYGKg5fXE5R4EKxlOl4zk/s320/monkey.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; mso-color-alt: windowtext;">Alexandcar Turncar wasn’t old enough to own a
driver’s license when his band first formed. Twenty years on, he finally got
round to writing a fully automobile-related, road tripping concept albrum. He
had dabbled in similar ideas on previous singles ‘Corvette You Look Good
On The Dancefloor’, ‘When Datsun Goes Down’, ‘Suck It And SEAT’ and ‘Why’d You
Only Call Me When You’re Hyundai?’ But now it was time to really hand the wheel
over to his petrol-headed imagination. And the only thing that was going to
stop him was Charli XCX climbing all over his bonnet in a tiny bikini with a
J.G. Ballard novel in her hand, its pages dripping in various bodily fluids.</span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; mso-color-alt: windowtext;">‘The red car and the blue car had a race,’ Turncar
crooned in randomly fluctuating notes over pseudo-John Barry orchestration.
‘All red wants to do is stuff his face,’ he continued, mixing his tenses
slightly to prove his maverick rule-breaking abilities. ‘He eats everything he sees / From
trucks to prickly trees,’ continued the wise lyricist, presumably meaning
cacti. ‘But smart old blue he took The Milky Way…’ It was an instant classic. A
tale of greed, hubris, temperance and heroism, Aesop-like in its simplicity. It
made listeners feel confident that their waistlines would barely expand, even as
they shovelled the endorsed brand of sugary snack into their insatiable faces. Enjoy
your tubs of Mars Celebrations this Christmas, folks. At least it wasn’t as
much of an overpriced, tooth-ruining rip-off as <i>Tranquility Base Hotel Chocolat</i>.<br /><br /><br /><i style="color: black;">This year’s listicle is dedicated to Victor Lewis-Smith.<br /><br /><br /></i></span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-24396402482173717392021-12-20T18:17:00.000+00:002021-12-20T18:17:21.524+00:00SPINAL BAP'S TOP ALBUMS OF 2021!<p><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">The return of gigs. The return of people talking
too loudly over the top of gigs. The cancellation of gigs all over again. Lorde’s
bum on the beach. Rick Astley singing Smiths songs for some reason. What a year
we’ve just had. But if there’s one thing that got us through it, besides mass
vaccination and two ageing comedians gradually catching some fish together,
then it was heavily marketed music! Without further ado, here are Spinal Bap’s
top albums of the last twelve months.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"><br /><span style="color: red;">Bobby Gillespie & Jehnny Beth – <i>Utopian Ashes<br /><br /></i></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: red;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhq4MNdyTheTthxGDjVBfgSj3Cl2sM4Lzzdy2onbECGcAkErZCoTywLeiCIh-gQy00i32p55pbZqrquDqjrLY9H6p8-HjyDeXbxYYdcwFY0J0QwnkyjMRw19Xfs7hJ8_-mpreSttrOOYPcKDGhcbPsqNfFPmO430xn7FVz6-nRDqR4fhttq-fXFzFIU=s680" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="658" data-original-width="680" height="310" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhq4MNdyTheTthxGDjVBfgSj3Cl2sM4Lzzdy2onbECGcAkErZCoTywLeiCIh-gQy00i32p55pbZqrquDqjrLY9H6p8-HjyDeXbxYYdcwFY0J0QwnkyjMRw19Xfs7hJ8_-mpreSttrOOYPcKDGhcbPsqNfFPmO430xn7FVz6-nRDqR4fhttq-fXFzFIU=s320" width="320" /></a></span></div><span style="color: red;"><br /></span><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">When promoting this unbearable collection of duets,
Bobby Gillespie announced his ambition to put “pain back into music”. The Primal
Screamer didn’t think there was a lot of it about, you see. Presumably because
he’s the only person in the country who’s never heard of Adele.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">Gillespie also yearned to make an “honest” record,
so he quickly roped in Jehnny Beth (not her real name), who he’d met at a glitzy
fashion show, for a concept album about a fictional break-up. Incidentally,
Beth has never quite been able to shake-off the possibly unfair accusations
that her former band, Savages, were manufactured. Whether they were or not
doesn’t really matter. Some manufactured bands are superb (Sugababes) whereas
plenty of non-manufactured ones are utter plop (Arcade Fire). It always <i>felt
like </i>Savages were a manufactured band, who were pretending not to be, which is
the only important thing.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">In March, the shittest duo since Sting and Shaggy
revealed the video for <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=me_UI2l3b14" target="_blank">‘Remember We Were Lovers’</a>, in which the platonic pair
proved they were one horse away from a Lloyds Bank advert. <i>Utopian Ashes</i> ran
with the theme of the single, providing no respite whatsoever from the half-baked,
sexless Gainsbourgisms.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">Bobby wanted to put the pain back into music. It’s
a painful experience, all right. You wouldn’t want to inflict these ballads on
Westlife’s aunts.<br /><br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: red;">Black Country, Worn Road – <i>Not For The First Time<br /><br /></i></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: red;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjeXEfEPXjJbcSuH9ZW6sXg_HPE1n2_LnPLg_hcc9cowucWyTb_yoUTXzsbDiUnEQJ3LKkoFA1kYGdueijW3QGSzJn-eBEY4eGC6tTaM32tZQyTiqFfMHk3a57OHi7TaGSKwslUZQxWcB5flQx5j1Foaue_ApJufVmvmseKqq_ufK5SX2hW_DDRvN4j=s341" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="331" data-original-width="341" height="311" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjeXEfEPXjJbcSuH9ZW6sXg_HPE1n2_LnPLg_hcc9cowucWyTb_yoUTXzsbDiUnEQJ3LKkoFA1kYGdueijW3QGSzJn-eBEY4eGC6tTaM32tZQyTiqFfMHk3a57OHi7TaGSKwslUZQxWcB5flQx5j1Foaue_ApJufVmvmseKqq_ufK5SX2hW_DDRvN4j=s320" width="320" /></a></span></div><span style="color: red;"><br /></span><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">Talking over post-rock backing tracks hasn’t been
quite this massive since the indie message-board boom of 2003. Of course,
twiddly-widdly Tortoise instrumentals aren’t quite irritating enough on their
own. Better let a man named Isaac, with a gargling voice like another man named
Isaac (the one from Modest Mouse), talk over the top about Cambridge science fairs
and Cirque du Soleil. By the way, if you fancy yourself as a poet then maybe try
to think of a better name for your opening instrumental than ‘Instrumental’.
Come on, man! Did Mogwai ever resort to that? No! They come up with proper,
grown-up titles like ‘Elvis Bacon’, ‘We’re The Spry’ and ‘Where’d You Put That Footstool, Susan?’ Oh, and don’t just let your gherkin dangle out of your
dressing gown by mentioning Slint in your lyrics, for Britt’s sake! It’s not
like Louisville’s finest were singing – sorry, talking – in their tracks about </span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;">“</span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">Minutemen this</span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;">”</span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"> and </span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;">“</span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">Minutemen that</span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;">”</span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">, is it? Have some decorum.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: red;">Hercules – <i>The Tears Of Rod Stewart<br /><br /></i></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: red;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiGX5EBFnmoNErsYkBhCcjh4CTEx3kjpuWdSRAY6YIww3SoTpu3VzNx6qPAHgLyhqP3ghq4vCjbHYkUj0KQYqpcbzhHQpj3QTI6HB923nBre7rhVy-hdURsHIY2S4m5GLSLwqII_MYg62GpvpkoaMP3dLQr4jCHmapz-3BOhnVFhTpvaypkTEsv6Ufc=s480" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="360" data-original-width="480" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiGX5EBFnmoNErsYkBhCcjh4CTEx3kjpuWdSRAY6YIww3SoTpu3VzNx6qPAHgLyhqP3ghq4vCjbHYkUj0KQYqpcbzhHQpj3QTI6HB923nBre7rhVy-hdURsHIY2S4m5GLSLwqII_MYg62GpvpkoaMP3dLQr4jCHmapz-3BOhnVFhTpvaypkTEsv6Ufc=s320" width="320" /></a></span></div><span style="color: red;"><br /></span><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">Talk about a comeback attempt. Last we heard of him, Hercules
had been hunting down Cerberus, the hound of Hades, in between reciting numbers
from The Great Athenian Songbook. The dulcetly toned hero returned in 2021 with
his thirteenth labour: to rerecord the appalling songs of Rod Stewart. It was
Hercules’ most challenging task to date. A mythical figure from ancient
history, often portrayed in skimpy outfits to show off his calves, with a
hairstyle that’s not been in fashion since 300BC, Rod Stewart was once singer
in The Faces. Hercules tried his best to complete this daunting mission but
fifty seconds into ‘Kookooaramabama’, when required to consider Rod’s lines
about sex being “cool” and sex being “nice”, the heroic figure decided this was
too gruelling even for him and immediately surrendered his soul to the
underworld.<br /><br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: red;">Nick Cave & Warren Buffett – <i>Cashage</i></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: red;"></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: red;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhCZb8_mSOE_De8SV0hzo3u9L0145mHAuNiyWKpK-y1N2zr-wHwPdbAWWmRbfl8OkTrhYfqI-qOSivsEGEt36rTAsdeVHYb9p5bcP6C8V_STGev5c6TR9sTvhCQvdRD5pDMp00EWOCfxevmJyRbw_RoFCqPnUMojTv_y76NWCeps7UiJKYaywyObfqR=s930" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="558" data-original-width="930" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhCZb8_mSOE_De8SV0hzo3u9L0145mHAuNiyWKpK-y1N2zr-wHwPdbAWWmRbfl8OkTrhYfqI-qOSivsEGEt36rTAsdeVHYb9p5bcP6C8V_STGev5c6TR9sTvhCQvdRD5pDMp00EWOCfxevmJyRbw_RoFCqPnUMojTv_y76NWCeps7UiJKYaywyObfqR=w320-h192" width="320" /></a></span></div><span style="color: red;"><br /></span><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">Not content with raking it in from dubious online merchandise
and <i>Peaky Blinders</i> soundtrack dosh, Nick Cave found the collaborator of a
lifetime when he hooked up with Warren Buffett, one of the ten wealthiest
people in the world. Hoping to out-twat Elon Musk in the billionaires without
dignity stakes, Buffett was only too happy to don a pair of tight trousers and
have a fiddle.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> <br /><br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: red;">Eric Clapton – <i>Bumper Bootleg CD Box Set From eBay</i></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; color: red; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgRVLKaibUHOhuDtdw7P9Bkz342TU8wBo-JhO-5GRSGgWS2ab-qlmPJ-OFjshwSyz7x8Oe7IJGKry6k_EGqmA1-24BOhfqkefK0_FQag8Rd9dywMpht0xXsPIyjKR4Jmw6fciqR8xZI4z6iHR57_qgXcTYRnGqtqbU5ANNfgAupdiM9YaH1YYLcf0gL=s930" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="558" data-original-width="930" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgRVLKaibUHOhuDtdw7P9Bkz342TU8wBo-JhO-5GRSGgWS2ab-qlmPJ-OFjshwSyz7x8Oe7IJGKry6k_EGqmA1-24BOhfqkefK0_FQag8Rd9dywMpht0xXsPIyjKR4Jmw6fciqR8xZI4z6iHR57_qgXcTYRnGqtqbU5ANNfgAupdiM9YaH1YYLcf0gL=w320-h192" width="320" /></a></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">Are you searching for that perfect gift to mildly distract
your loved ones while also irritating one of the worst men in rock? Then why
not buy (and then sell again) this exhaustive collection of unauthorised live
recordings from the man whose 2010 eponymously titled album contained just one self-penned
song among a load of old blues covers? The new career-spanning multidisc bootleg set
includes ropey concert renditions of other songs the petty plagiarist didn’t
write such as ‘I Shot The Sheriff’ and ‘Little Wing’. The tracklist also
features the rare spoken-word tracks ‘Britain is becoming overcrowded and Enoch
will stop it and send them all back’ (1976) and ‘My views have cost me all my
friends apart from Van Morrison’ (2021). Spinal Bap is not responsible for the cost
of any sudden legal fees. <br /><br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: red;">Gary “Ebenezer” Barlow – <i>The Dream Of A Christmas
Carol</i></span></span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12.0pt;"><i><o:p></o:p></i></span></p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh0KmnS3fW4OkBucVuJQ3wPS5OQzQpN8_CeDLRQsjpO_0W69oRLvXzI0qc9J2QAOymONsE2TOy8ylp8B8lgvMsK3MV5iaScuSmI4CXnWOdOi7J0WlRvsHZ4sQi_G6xZNTVPnHdILZYWgESL9gqDO5eZ0e2GVz_KZ33nP7ZvxZXmh_JOZzUxDonGmLag=s485" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="485" data-original-width="413" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh0KmnS3fW4OkBucVuJQ3wPS5OQzQpN8_CeDLRQsjpO_0W69oRLvXzI0qc9J2QAOymONsE2TOy8ylp8B8lgvMsK3MV5iaScuSmI4CXnWOdOi7J0WlRvsHZ4sQi_G6xZNTVPnHdILZYWgESL9gqDO5eZ0e2GVz_KZ33nP7ZvxZXmh_JOZzUxDonGmLag=s320" width="272" /></a></div><br /><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;">Ebenezer Barlow was a meanspirited and selfish old
man. He was cruel to those who worked for him, frowned at kindness wherever he
saw it, and resented paying tax. </span><span style="background: white; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">One wintery night he was visited by the ghost of
an old business partner, Jason Orange. “But you’re not even dead!” exclaimed
Barlow. “I might as well be,” replied Orange, “judging by the lack of texts you’ve
sent me over the last few years. Besides, oranges are traditional at Christmas.”
The white-haired ghoul then warned Barlow that he would be visited by three
more ghosts, before the morning came.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">The first of these spirits, The Ghost Of Christmas
Past, was a wiry figure with paper-thin skin who appeared to be young and old
at the same time, a bit like Cliff Richard. The ghost showed Barlow scenes from
his lonely childhood, when he had been bullied for being a tight sod with his
dinner money and enjoying the music of Cliff Richard. Barlow was also forced to
relive the moment when a young Cheshire lass he’d been courting decided to end
the relationship because she realised that Barlow would never love her as much as
he loved his own money or his collection of Cliff Richard calendars. Observing
this sorry scene from the olden days, Barlow hoped the ghost hadn’t brought him
back for good.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">The next spirit was a loud, boisterous, jolly
giant, obviously played by Brian Blessed. He took Barlow to a jubilant party
attended by all the members of Take That, even Robbie. “My invitation must’ve
got lost in post,” muttered Barlow. Before he could add “Royal Mail’s
extremely busy this time of year,” a toast was made in his honour. “I think
it’s time we all raised a glass to the smirk-faced goon,” announced Mark Owen.
“…Who couldn’t be here tonight for personal reasons,” added Howard. “The
reasons being that none of us wanted him here!” hooted Robbie. “Tight-fisted wanker
with turd-like eyebrows,” slurred a very drunk Lulu.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">The Ghost Of Brian Blessed then took Barlow on a
tour of all the local hospitals which are forced to operate on a shoestring budget
because of greedy, penny pinching misers like himself. This took up most of
the night. “I officially apologised to anyone who was <i>offended</i> by my financial
arrangements,” grumbled the dodger in question.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">Finally, Barlow was visited by The Ghost Of
Christmas Yet To Come, a blank-faced and skeletal figure who said very little
at all, or at least very little of any substance. The ghost reminded Barlow of
Amanda Holden. The spirit’s sticklike finger pointed towards a poorly attended
funeral. James Corden was there, of course, but only because he can’t resist a
free buffet. As thin as one of the many Twiglets that Corden had just stuffed
into his leering mouth, the spirit’s finger then gestured towards the
gravestone of the un-mourned man. “Here lies GARY BARLOW,” it read, “who used
to be in a boy band with Robbie Williams and once wrote a song for Matt Cardle
from <i>The X-Factor</i>.”</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt;">Confronted by his future lack of legacy, Barlow fell to
his knees and began to sob. “Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn’t mean
it!” he cried. “It’s not what you’ve said that’s the problem,” said a passing
Sam Fender, who was just on his way to help out at the orphanage after dropping
off some donations at the food bank. “It’s your actions that are the issue. Your
morals, or lack of. Your greediness. Your absence of empathy for your fellow man.
Your inhumanity. Your continued support for the Conservative Party.” “Oh, I’m
not changing any of that,” replied Barlow and ordered the biggest turkey in the
shop to consume all by himself. Fender let out a deep and despairing groan. “I
guess everything changes but you,” he sighed.<br /><br /><br /></span></p>spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-20057064176795089012021-01-08T16:39:00.000+00:002021-01-08T16:39:17.922+00:00SPINAL BAP'S TOP ALBUMS OF 2020! <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYfWtMw9hVgpYmSNL_ElMbtLRUKJVrOKzydtj1W0ia8zyoheqw6Wb0LOwCfoeD-WeValEz4Py5pK1xZ8fQh-wnJGxOLF8ZI0LewG1PXnxd9sxR2UpY7wI0zjfXTasaL7L-cMFCd05Swag/s1280/garycliff.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYfWtMw9hVgpYmSNL_ElMbtLRUKJVrOKzydtj1W0ia8zyoheqw6Wb0LOwCfoeD-WeValEz4Py5pK1xZ8fQh-wnJGxOLF8ZI0LewG1PXnxd9sxR2UpY7wI0zjfXTasaL7L-cMFCd05Swag/w400-h225/garycliff.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>With venues closed for the foreseeable and several legends dead from Covid, some say now is not the time to be snide about music but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. And certainly not while Gary Barlow and Cliff Richard remain on the loose, making insincere charity appeals from their gold-plated tax havens. Looking more wrinkly than ever with his strained voice now clearly unable to pant its way through his own decades-old hits, your gran’s favourite singer really struggled when duetting with Cliff.<div><br /></div><div>Here are Spinal Bap’s top albums of 2020. Look on my blurbs, ye Mighty, and despair.</div><div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFBBjPngFDuwKgXqguy6m4Qcuul6G8WeFWvbmHOKwfzcP8_CF0NzqXS3XYTw4GzVeqpveKCIJsh1k1ICWPe85JucnwWvDSHZPLi_tGmpgNuwW3ojz-2LiBgG5j-Rk8SjXCr_2krbB-XY4/s300/Gary_Barlow_-_Music_Played_by_Humans.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFBBjPngFDuwKgXqguy6m4Qcuul6G8WeFWvbmHOKwfzcP8_CF0NzqXS3XYTw4GzVeqpveKCIJsh1k1ICWPe85JucnwWvDSHZPLi_tGmpgNuwW3ojz-2LiBgG5j-Rk8SjXCr_2krbB-XY4/s0/Gary_Barlow_-_Music_Played_by_Humans.png" /></a></div><div><br /><br /></div><div><br /><span style="color: red;">Gary Barlow – <i>Music Played By Humans</i></span><br /><br />While most musicians acted responsibly in the face of a pandemic by refraining from gigs and staying at home to create quirky bedroom pop and soothing ambient soundscapes, Gary Barlow decided now was the moment to come into contact with more people than he’s ever worked with before. For his album of sub-Bublé drivel he packed a whole orchestra into the recording studio where they were able to share ideas, harmonies and lethal respiratory droplets.<br /><br />Gary Barlow, who is definitely human, reasoned he had grown tired of music that relies on computer technology and progress. In an interview with BBC Radio 2, he said:<br /><br />“MUSIC PLAYED BY HUMANS IS GARY BARLOW’S FIRST SOLO ALBUM IN SEVEN YEARS. STOP. GARY BARLOW WROTE MOST OF THE SONGS HIMSELF. STOP. GARY BARLOW WORKED WITH AN ORCHESTRA ON THE WHOLE ALBUM. STOP. ALL OF THE INSTRUMENTS WERE PLAYED BY PUNY HUMANS. STOP. GARY BARLOW IS A MEMBER OF TAKE THAT. STOP. GARY BARLOW WAS BIG IN THE 1990s. STOP. GARY BARLOW’S FAVOURITE SPICE GIRLS SONG IS STOP. STOP.”</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8jN23r-5oisGaLq2apOfg6BXy0x1XJEfFIawJ58nyb-Pz3D7Uw009eNdUWp77kzr_I7yJqe4EYPuLpOVEuWlZYVv3QgRaUCnSMM0jzZ7ZC9TbiD7D9wlTraFSmMcnQB2u2Lvjj3PgpzM/s1024/barlowdog.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="1024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8jN23r-5oisGaLq2apOfg6BXy0x1XJEfFIawJ58nyb-Pz3D7Uw009eNdUWp77kzr_I7yJqe4EYPuLpOVEuWlZYVv3QgRaUCnSMM0jzZ7ZC9TbiD7D9wlTraFSmMcnQB2u2Lvjj3PgpzM/s320/barlowdog.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div><br /><br /><span style="color: red;">Gary Barlow – <i>Music Played By Animals</i></span><br /><br />You may remember that back in 2016 the crackpot cosmic orderer Noel Edmonds decided to launch a radio station exclusively for pets. More recently Edmonds hooked up with everyone’s least favourite tax-dodging crooner for this album performed by animals. Gary Barlow was delighted to work on the project, having been a massive fan of <i>Noel’s House Party</i> and especially its bizarre mascot Mr. Blobby. With his clumsy balloon-like physique and amusing habit of repeating his own name in a ridiculous voice, Gary Barlow used to be a member of Take That. While most musicians were acting responsibly in the face of a pandemic by refraining from gigs and staying at home to create quirky bedroom pop and soothing ambient soundscapes, Barlow and Edmonds packed a whole animal orchestra into the recording studio, including several Chinese bats and queasy-looking pangolin.</div><div><br /><span style="color: red;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQpq9emSuIzHXncYLfACzxuMFjL9X_440Ygv_E1fV66t1SL4cMb6fXoeOMmVFuP-GsqAoXRr0wIVbddXS9_FUSYvlOG3s6i_NDzt8xtCAEeSEiwlP3RrEl_ixPQRDd4zgYzPkByWnRRpQ/s300/handmaids-tale-soundtrack.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQpq9emSuIzHXncYLfACzxuMFjL9X_440Ygv_E1fV66t1SL4cMb6fXoeOMmVFuP-GsqAoXRr0wIVbddXS9_FUSYvlOG3s6i_NDzt8xtCAEeSEiwlP3RrEl_ixPQRDd4zgYzPkByWnRRpQ/s0/handmaids-tale-soundtrack.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div><span style="color: red;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: red;">Gary Barlow - <i>Music Played By A Handmaid</i></span><br /><br />It is well known that in her horrific dystopian novel <i>The Handmaid’s Tale</i> Margaret Atwood included only things that have already happened in human history, most of these having occurred within the music industry. A stickler for tradition and pining to create the kind of music he grew up with, Gary Barlow went back-to-basics on his latest record. He enslaved one of his few remaining fertile friends, dictated what she should wear and forced her at gunpoint to perform take after take until she started coughing up blood. “As a long-term supporter of the Conservative Party I have always admired Phil Spector’s working methods,” said Barlow, “and have long been fascinated by how he got such incredible performances out of his singers.”<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div></div></div><br /><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWHXhKp8o1_S3TdNBobptFaDaN2GSmzYI-NagOlxXQPezyFtRxfbThppGNxELpLKyUY_w6DmXGL5v4co1nJCV7B2v6juLrUkyfJafMUdWPLO6H2Skou7uzN38VUgfVOWnvxmiS1igPFlU/s538/idlescocks.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="489" data-original-width="538" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWHXhKp8o1_S3TdNBobptFaDaN2GSmzYI-NagOlxXQPezyFtRxfbThppGNxELpLKyUY_w6DmXGL5v4co1nJCV7B2v6juLrUkyfJafMUdWPLO6H2Skou7uzN38VUgfVOWnvxmiS1igPFlU/s320/idlescocks.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div><br /><br /><span style="color: red;">Idles - <i>Ultra Mono (XS/S/M/L/XL/XXL)</i></span><br /><br />In September 2020 Idles continued their innovative approach to the music business by releasing a new album to promote their latest line of t-shirts. Soon enough the t-shirts were analysed in painstaking detail by Anthony Fantano, the world’s least entertaining rock critic. In a 20-minute video uploaded to his like-and-subscribe-like-and-subscribe-like-and-subscribe YouTube channel <i>The Piddle Drops</i>, Fantano praised the passion and intelligence that singer Joe Talbot had put into the band’s t-shirts. “With their past merch Idles would often shroud the political points they were making in a bit of absurdism or deliver a story where the point didn’t come across until you finished reading the back of the t-shirt,” the skinheaded vlogger explained. “In the case of their new t-shirts, though, the messaging and topics are way more straightforward, much more in-your-face and to-the-point.” Aptly one of the t-shirts had a cock on it.
</div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB9b4WmNas3wPa-8SBRHiV0xrUeuqixWp_A-8y8rpZNgI_yCBLF-O6QOcHdEUMZE8e5uZn5eRhVNv6JlEhtm8Shabv81GXeTOeNWSVssLeiI8awvtlWST1RIwoHVGQp0VfUruBuyxlxfM/s536/idlesjoe.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="479" data-original-width="536" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB9b4WmNas3wPa-8SBRHiV0xrUeuqixWp_A-8y8rpZNgI_yCBLF-O6QOcHdEUMZE8e5uZn5eRhVNv6JlEhtm8Shabv81GXeTOeNWSVssLeiI8awvtlWST1RIwoHVGQp0VfUruBuyxlxfM/s320/idlesjoe.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div><br /></div></div>spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-76005660335564389802019-12-22T14:49:00.000+00:002019-12-22T14:50:53.602+00:00SPINAL BAP'S TOP ALBUMS OF 2019<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhUOcC-Aq_oKWcUBBnBArMnnNceVpOlJFgiGGDOhT41OCKsNB70eWm_mF0f4eIgIrQn_LhjnuvHjSvBYIpD46OFzPLECVVBf_T1UvVsVI_QXzh5XOUTn4rnuy6B4pUhGx5SWtFzLlt5DI/s1600/lanadelboy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="313" data-original-width="360" height="278" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhUOcC-Aq_oKWcUBBnBArMnnNceVpOlJFgiGGDOhT41OCKsNB70eWm_mF0f4eIgIrQn_LhjnuvHjSvBYIpD46OFzPLECVVBf_T1UvVsVI_QXzh5XOUTn4rnuy6B4pUhGx5SWtFzLlt5DI/s320/lanadelboy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: red;">Lana Del Boy - <i>Nicholas Fucking Lyndhurst!</i></span><br />
In 2019 the artist formerly known as Lizzy Grant formed an exciting new superduo with Sir David Jason, a national treasure formerly known as funny. Just like in <i>Still Open All Hours</i>, there was no room for comedy here. In its place, Lana Del Boy’s debut album offered harmonious heartache and emotional sincerity aplenty, all anchored around an eye-opening conceptual portrayal of the life and times of Nicholas Lyndhurst from<i> Goodnight Sweetheart</i>.
<i>Nicholas Fucking Lyndhurst!</i> was patently influenced by Lana’s appearance on last year’s <i>Wanderer</i> by Cat Power, but the idea that this was some cut-priced, knocked-off, second-hand LP from a mush in Shepherd’s Bush was as daft as a Trigger.<br />
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In fact, deep and meaningful engagement was made with the album’s muse, i.e. <i>New Tricks</i> star Nicholas Lyndhurst. The oblique efforts made by the album’s principal protagonist to negotiate the fault lines of working-class community spirit in a moment of hyper-individualism and his angular vacillation between traditional familial commitments and new patterns of cultural capital typified the cross-cultural relationships of late modernity. You plonker.
Because of the lacklustre quality of the singing, acting and punchlines on display, Lana Del Boy has been associated with abject apathy. However, <i>Nicholas Fucking Lyndhurst!</i> ended on a more positive note than expected. “Hope is a dangerous thing for a Trotter like me to have,” went its lyrics, juxtaposing the capacity to thrive with the fear of survival. Crucially, on understanding hope more fully through the prism of Nicholas “<i>Butterflies</i>” Lyndhurst, Lana concludes, “But I have it, I have it, I have it. This time next year we will be millionaires. Mange tout! Mange tout! Lovely jubbly! Pukka! Pukka! Pukka!”<br />
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<span style="color: red;">The Murder Capital – <i>When I Have Furs</i></span><br />
Definitely the most exciting band ever seen by anyone since the previous most exciting band seen by anyone. They move around stage! Can you imagine? I even saw the singer smoke a fag once. While the band were playing! Pow!!! Take that, nanny state! Stick it to the man! Which man? Not the man at Philip Morris International. The other man. You know, that guy. The person running an independent venue on extremely tight overheads who is worrying about losing their licence as a result of The Health Act 2006. That prissy bellend!<br />
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The Murder Capital wear clothes! But clothes on steroids! And have I told you how much they run around? But it’s like running around... on steroids! Much like the Olympics. And they have shiny boots to boot. Shiny boots on steroids!<br />
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<i>When I Have Furs</i> is a crushing reminder of the perpetual, circular crisis of masculinity, a predicament embodied yet ultimately contradicted by this collection of shouty, broody, swaggery men dressed as the cast of an ambitious but ultimately under-cooked youth theatre production of a <i>Quadrophenia</i>/<i>Peaky Blinders</i> mash-up who were hastily costumed in whatever could be found during a speedy trolly dash at a local <strike>charity</strike> vintage shop.<br />
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When these young men perform, they are gazed on lovingly by a similarly clad yet more sombre bunch of formerly shouty, broody, swaggery men who are imagining the time when they dressed more flamboyantly and watched previous shouty, broody, swaggery men in their youth, or were shouty, broody, swaggery men in their youth who in turn saw other generations of shouty, broody, swaggery men in their youth…
As the man who didn’t dress cool has explained: <span style="background-color: white; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">“</span>Repetition. Repetition. Repetition. There is no hesitation. This is your situation. Continue a blank generation. Blank generation. Same old Blank Generation. Grooving blank generation. Swinging blank generation. Repetition, repetition, repetition.<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">”</span> And as the bearded scruff Karl Marx told us: history repeats itself, first as tragedy then as farce, then as farts.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Amehnda Palmeh - <i>There Will Be No Intermehssion</i></span><br />
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Paid for in advance by her misguided fans, this was the latest in a long line of crowdfunded vanity projects from the millionaire wife of Neil “poverty is a terrible thing now please watch my new television series on the tax-avoiding media platform Amazon Prime” Gaiman. The album was 77 minutes longer than feasibly endurable but its lyrics did address some important topics. Alas, the fact that the objectionable Madame Backfire was singing about them meant the songs automatically converted even the most level-headed listeners into the gun-toting murderers of perceived heathens and instilled in most normally empathetic observers the sudden the urge to grab the p***y of the nearest unsuspecting stranger before signing up to ISIS.<br />
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To make matters worse, Palmeh was so outraged that The Guardian neglected to cover her latest mehsterwerk that Her Mehjesty’s subsequent project is said to be a streampunk rock-opera based around Yotam Ottolenghi’s recipe for home-baked brioche. Its working title is <i>Let Them Eat Cake</i>.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Janet Weiss - <i>I’d Like To Play My Drums Please And You Should Appreciate That Percussion Is An Important Part Of Making Art As A Collaborative Process</i></span><br />
Janet Weiss would like to play the drums. Drums are important. They are part of the music. Drums are at least as important as the music, the words, the guitar solos, and that synth you just bought off a man with a mad haircut. Let Janet play the drums. The drums count. The drums are part of the process. We like the drums and the drumming. We like drummers. You can’t just force out a living, breathing human drummer. You can’t just replace them with an inanimate object that doesn’t possess any kind of brain or soul, like a drum machine or Tommy Lee. Where are the drums? St Vincent’s drums are rubbish. Let Janet play the fucking drums. THE DRUMS! THE FUCKING DRUMS! Remember when Janet played the drums? DRUMS! DRUM! DRUMS! DRUMMY DRUMMITY DRUM DRUMS!<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Boyd’s Sons Of Nubya’s Collective Moses Featuring Theon’s Ezra’s Kamaal - <i>That London Jazz Album That I Must Really Get Round To listening To</i></span><br />
In a scene marked by collaboration and synergetic musical connection, Boyd’s Sons Of Nubya’s Collective Moses Featuring Theon’s Ezra’s Kamaal really exemplifies the energetic remoulding of jazz with its connections to the grime and afrobeat music that flow through the capital city’s veins. I think. I mean, I haven’t listened to it and I haven’t even visited London for a few years now because I live in West Worcestershire. But I like to think if I were there, and if I had listened to it, it would be exactly the kind of album and scene that I like to imagine is really exciting and thriving. It’s hard to tell when I’m just reading about them in the back pages of The Sunday Telegraph while waiting for space to clear around the reduced ready meals in a Waitrose in rural England.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Bill Callahan - <i>A Sheep Singing About A Shepherd In A Sheepskin Vest Who’s Counting Sheep To Get To Sleep</i></span><br />
“A song is just three chords and the truth,” as Howard from the Halifax adverts once said. He never asked for this much truth though, nor in quite so much personal detail. Ever since everybody started reading the autobiographical so-called novels of Karl Ove Knausgård and documenting their every brunch on Instagram, it’s been assumed that any thought that passes through any human’s brain is actually worth sharing with the public. In the music world, it was Mark Kozelek who pioneered the craze for singing-what-you-see, a genre now known as post-<i>Catchphrase</i>. Phil Elverum added tragedy and depth to the genre by singing of the death of his wife in intimate and uncomfortable detail. Now the bloke once known as Smog is at it as well, banging on for 20 tracks about everything that’s happened to him since the last album - birth, death, life, love, marriage, bicycles... - as if he’s the first person in history to experience such matters. He’s even written a song about writing, called ‘Writing’.<br />
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Have you ever seen <i>Family Guy</i>? It’s that cartoon for adults whose minds are too underdeveloped for <i>South Park</i>. Anyway, one early episode features a parody of Randy Newman. In this caricatured depiction, the famous LA musician plays his piano and sings words that merely describe exactly what is happening, in real-time, in front of his eyes at that very moment. We are all Family Guy Randy Newman now.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Lizzo - <i>Cuz I Luvvie</i></span><br />
People who review albums and don’t make music themselves should be unemployed. People who discover a rotting hamster carcass floating around in their vegetable soup and complain to the waiter about its inedibility but haven’t established a restaurant empire themselves should be burnt alive in a pizza oven. With anchovies! People who express an opinion on the practicality of manoeuvring a transit van through Luton Airport multi-story car park and haven’t studied architecture for seven years in advance of their negative comment should be thrown immediately from the top of the building’s roof. Historians of the Second World War who write groundbreaking biographies of Joseph Stalin based on extensive research and previously unearthed documents that have only just come to light and haven’t served in a prominent position as a member of the Soviet Union’s Politburo of the 1930s should be exiled to the Siberian gulag. People who Lizzo glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Kate Tempest - <i>The Book Of Traps And Lessons (Sorry. Did I Say Book? I Meant Album. The Album Of Traps And Lessons. It’s A Bit Like A Book Though Isn’t It Cos I Just Talk All The Way Through It. The Book Of Traps And Lessons: The Audiobook.)</i></span><br />
There once was a poet called Kate<br />
To whose sanctimony we all could relate<br />
Finally! A poet who’s cool<br />
Unlike the ones learnt at school<br />
Even your English teacher thinks that she’s great<br />
Oh.<br />
Wait...<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Weezer - <i>Weezer (The Imperial Purple Album)</i></span><br />
Rivers Cuomo and his chums continue to work their way through the Farrow & Ball chart. This isn’t a paint-by-numbers covers record, though. Weezer prove quite the dab hand. Indeed, theirs is a brush with greatness. Of course, when they combine their blue album with a red album they will be marooned. But which colour-themed Weezer album is best? Lets call this one a draw. Forget the titles for a minute, because let’s face it they’re all beige. How many members of Weezer does it take to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you throw them.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Dave - <i>Psychodrama (For the Record)</i></span><br />
Every Prime Minister is expected to cash-in on their time in Number 10. Eschewing tradition, David Cameron chose to release his memoirs via the medium of his debut rap album. At first, the work appears smooth and efficient. The initial psychodrama at the heart of the piece is centred around the scrapes and japes of old school-chums gently ribbing each other. After a while, however, the record deepens to expose the inner thoughts of a chaotic, vain individual who is entirely lacking in principle. Once the psychodrama of the public school stutters and slips - almost whimsically or accidentally - onto a wider stage, a different picture unfolds. Here, the more traumatic and material drama of unrepentant austerity, structural violence and catastrophic delusion prevails, and it is documented by Dave in often harrowing detail. It makes for raw, tough and bewildering listening with a shattering fallout. After Dave has delivered this crushing state-of-the-nation address and the final track draws to a close after an exhausting six-year running time, Dave doesn’t so much drop the microphone as turn his back to it, walking into the distance and singing the album’s final, devastating words, addressed less to his captivated audience than only to himself: “Doo Doo, Doo Doo...”<br />
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<br />spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-70803950514590145302019-02-21T10:25:00.000+00:002019-02-21T15:32:38.093+00:00CHARACTER FROM NICK CAVE NOVEL WRITES HEARTWARMING LETTER TO 10-YEAR-OLD FAN<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Euchrid Eucrow, the protagonist in Nick Cave’s debut novel <i>And The Ass Saw The Angel</i>, has penned a touching reply to a 10-year-old fan who wrote to the character asking for advice.<br />
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“Dear Euchrid,” wrote the boy, “all that my idiot schoolmates listen to is chart music and the only books they own have been written by that camp bloke off <i>Little Britain</i>. Many of them still believe in Santa Claus, the cretins, and they write to him regularly. But I believe in you, Euchrid, so I am writing to ask if you have any advice for me? Mummy says the only reason I’m disruptive in class is because I’m cleverer than all the other children.”<br />
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Eucrow’s empowering response can be read below:<br />
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<i>As ah dictate this here letter, ah am up to mah feeble chest in quicksand and so ah believe ah had better make this a brief consultation, most unlike mah creator’s first novel. As ah am certain you are already aware, ah am a mute who speaks in a southern states dialect so our two situations are rather different. Come to think of it, how does a cottonpickin’ mute even begin dictating a letter? Anyhow. Mah pa was a cruel man and like most women mah momma was a drunken bitch-whore... Like you, ah was always different from mah fellow townsfolk and to cut a very long story short, here ah find mahself in a patch of God’s own sinking sand awaiting mah unfortunate fate.<br /><br />Advice? Blessed advice. Mah chief instruction is to scribble down material inspired by the Old Testament. Pen lyrics about murdering females in the most cowardly way. Glamorise criminals, thieves, ruffians, villains, rogues, scoundrels, executioners, and Kylie Minogue. Form a troupe of wandering minstrels. Attack members of your own audience. They’ve paid you to busk, and they can goddamn pay again... with a suckerpunch to the temples! Embrace opium; it is a well-known creative aid and helps maintain a strict routine. Write an incomprehensible novel about a no-good mute such as I. Follow it up with a dark sex comedy set in the old country about a bedraggled old pervert who's obsessed with Avril Lavigne’s pert buttocks. How old did you say you were, again? Photograph your wife as naked as the day she was born for an album cover, while you stand fully suited in close approximation of the sleeve to Spinal Tap’s Smell The Glove. The world is waiting for you, kid. </i><br />
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<i>As for me, death’s delights are a-coming and ah had better prepare mahself for mah almighty reckoning. Oh, and don’t forget to befriend Will Self. Amen!</i><br />
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<i><br /></i>spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-1876459120702489922018-12-21T14:35:00.001+00:002018-12-22T10:21:21.972+00:00SPINAL BAP'S TOP ALBUMS OF 2018<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: red;"><br />Low - <i>Double Negative</i></span><br />
When Low had almost completed work on their latest album, a bored studio intern rested his elbow on the wrong button and accidentally wiped over half the music with dusty fuzzy noises. Instead of starting the recording process from scratch, Low decided to weather the storm and just release the botched results anyway.<br />
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Lo(w) and behold it turned out to be the most critically acclaimed thing they’d ever done. Every reviewer on the entire planet was soon hailing <i>Double Negative</i> as the masterpiece Low had always promised, an apparently thrilling sonic evolution with its spilt-coffee white noise effects acting as some kind of metaphor for societal collapse.<br />
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I’m not saying those people are wrong but if your favourite Low album is the one on which you can hear THE LEAST AMOUNT OF LOW then maybe you aren’t really a Low fan at all. Maybe you should just detune your wireless slightly when listening to Radio 3.<br />
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(Having said that, the clumsy intern still proved himself a more talented knob-twiddler than Jeff Tweedy did on that terrible one he produced.)<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Robyn - </span><i style="color: red;">Honey</i><br />
SHE’S THE CREDIBLE FACE OF POP MUSIC<br />
SHE’S THE CREDIBLE FACE OF POP MUSIC<br />
SHE’S THE CREDIBLE FACE OF POP MUSIC<br />
SHE’S THE CREDIBLE FACE OF POP…
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Why aren’t you listening?<br />
I mean... why are you STILL not listening?<br />
What do you mean you’re not interested?<br />
SHE’S THE CREDIBLE FACE OF POP MUSIC<br />
Hello? Hello? Where are you going? Wait.<br />
She’s the...<br />
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<span style="color: red;">The 1975 - </span><i style="color: red;">An Online Inquiry Into Briefs</i><br />
The latest album from Wimslow’s answer to leading INXS tribute band INXSIVE was promoted via a series of puff pieces printed in respectable publications with a clearly premeditated and sensationalist “my struggle with heroin” angle. Talk about glamorising the use of hard drugs to impressible young pop fans. Tell you what Matty “Matthew” Healy, come back to us when the habit’s gotten so hard you haven’t performed for over half a decade and you’re found dead from a speedball overdose like the sorry bloke from Alice In Chains. That’s what a real rock star looks like. Decomposing and surrounded by paraphernalia. Not nicely posing, surrounded by Pale Waves’s Heather.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Nine Inch Nails - </span><i style="color: red;">Sandwich</i><br />
Nine Inch Nails’ “ninth studio album” (six tracks, 30 minutes, £16.99 on vinyl from HMV) was conceived as a political protest record. However, during the recording process it soon evolved into a concept album about sandwiches. It includes the tracks ‘A Bread Of Ourselves’, ‘Starch Of The Pigs’, ‘Big Man With A Bun’, ‘That’s What I Baguette’, ‘Head Like A Wholegrain’, and ‘I Do Not Want This Ham And Cheese Toastie Because I Ate Too Much At Breakfast Time’.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Janelle Monáe - </span><i style="color: red;">Dirty Computer</i><br />
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This is the greatest hits album we’ve been waiting for: all of Prince’s biggest hits packed onto one disc. Arguably the most influential artist of the 1980s, Prince is one of the very few musicians of this or any other era to find a massive and intensely loyal audience while still being praised by critics and musical contemporaries alike for his bold experimentalism and prodigious instrumental skills. His brash, high-energy mix of pop, rock, funk, and psychedelia picked up where Sly Stone left off, and the result was music that was revolutionary in its sonic experimentation and provocative fashion. This collection brings together the absolute best of Prince’s Warner Bros. recordings on one hit-jammed disc.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Thom Yorke - </span><i style="color: red;">Suspiria (Music For The Luca Guadagnino Film)</i><br />
“Look Jonny, I can do film music too. I can. I CAN. I can do film music too. Why do I keep repeating myself, myself, myself? I can do film music too. I can. I can do film music too. Filllmm musiiic toooo. Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon. Yesterday I woke up scoring a remake. Yesterday I woke up scoring a remake. Yesterday I... Ice age coming. Ice age coming. Why do I keep repeating myself, myself, myself? Look Jonny. Jonny, look. I can do film music too. I can do film music. I caaaaaan doooooo fillllllllm muuuuusic toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...”<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Chris Rea and The Queens - </span><i style="color: red;">Chris</i><br />
The ‘Driving Home For Christmas’ star sent shivers down the spine of the pop world earlier this year when he decided to shave off his famous beard, drop the second part of his name and reinvent himself as simply “Chris”.
This was no fickle attention-seeking gesture, however. The freshly clean-faced Chris invented a whole new form of woke pop defined by its emotional inclusiveness, informed in its discussions of gender, sexuality and class, and steadily determined in its ambition to overturn masculine and feminine social stereotypes. Still had quite a lot of songs about cars, mind.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Ed O’Brien - </span><i style="color: red;">50 Shades Freed (Music For The James Foley Film)</i><br />
Radiohead’s Ed O’Brien followed in the footsteps of his bandmate Jonny Greenwood by composing his first ever film score for the adaptation of E.L. James’ ‘milf filth’ novel <i>Fifty Shades Freed</i>. O’Brien noted that “Jonny’s just so far ahead - he understands orchestral works, he can read music, he’s studied it all” adding that “so I copied him but with more RUMPY PUMPY.”<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Philip Selway - <i>Avengers: Infinity War (Music For The Film By Whoever Directed That One)</i></span><br />
Radiohead’s Philip Selway followed in the footsteps of his bandmate Jonny Greenwood by composing his first ever film score for the Marvel Comics superhero blockbuster <i>Avengers: Infinity War</i>. Selway noted that “Jonny’s just so far ahead - he understands orchestral works, he can read music, he’s studied it all” adding that “so I just copied the soundtrack from <i>Avengers Assemble</i> and stuck a new track on the end called ‘BIG CGI BADDIE MAKES FIFTY PERCENT OF CAST VANISH DRAMATICALLY THEREBY CUTTING STAFF COSTS FOR THE NEXT EXPENSIVE SEQUEL.’”<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Colin Greenwood - </span><i style="color: red;">Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again (Music For That Stupid Abba Film)</i><br />
Radiohead’s Colin Greenwood followed in the footsteps of his bandmate and brother Jonny Greenwood by composing his first ever film score for 2018’s jukebox-comedy-musical-sequel <i>Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again</i>. Greenwood noted, “Jonny’s just so far ahead - he understands orchestral works, he can read music, he’s studied it all” adding that “so I just forced Pierce Brosnan to sing ‘Morning Bell’ over and over again and insisted each one was a different original ABBA song. Nobody was any the wiser.”<br />
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<br />spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-53960979329452640762018-01-03T13:50:00.000+00:002018-01-03T13:50:33.001+00:00HAPPY NEW GUY GARVYEAR<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It has become virtually impossible to listen to the radio, switch on the television or enjoy an artisan pork pie in Manchester’s trendy Northern Quarter without being confronted by the ubiquitous bristles of Elbow frontman <span style="color: red;">Guy Garvey</span>. When not presenting his own 6Music radio show, he’ll be chatting to Lauren Laverne or Marc Riley about the latest Elbow studio album, best-of Elbow album, Guy Garvey solo record or collaboration with I Am Kloot.<br /><br />He’s only gone and broken into television too, adding profound wisdom as a talking head on last year’s BBC4 Tom Waits documentary (“If I did what Tom Waits did, I’d be kicked out of Elbow”), ruining The Beatles on the John Lewis Christmas advert, and playing a cameo role in the acclaimed sitcom <i>Peter Kay Berates A Ditzy Woman Who Is Deemed Less Intelligent Than Him In A Small Car For 30 Minutes</i>.<br /><br />It turns out all this was merely the first phase of Guy Garvey’s sinister plan to dominate the entire BBC schedule, as demonstrated by this glimpse at the forthcoming listings...<br /><br /><b>Radio</b><br /><u>Desert Guyland Discs</u><br />Each week Kirsty Young asks a celebrity castaway to select which eight Elbow songs they would take to a desert island. They can also take a book with them, besides their complimentary proof copy of Garvey’s forthcoming autobiography <i>Good Guy To All That</i>. Episode 1’s guest is none other than the legendary Sir Guy Garvey.<br /><br /><b>TV</b><br />
<u>The Guy At Night</u><br />Not content with his daytime monopoly of the media, Garvey sleeps soundly while amiable scientists Maggie Aderin-Pocock and Brian Cox provide running commentary on the astronomical beauty of the snoring giant.<br /><br /><u>Elbow Selecta!</u><br />A reboot of Leigh Francis’ vulgar sketch show in which Garvey plays a grotesque caricature of resurrected chart botherer Craig David. Unlike Francis, Garvey doesn’t require a latex mask because his face is already unfeasibly huge.<br /><br /><u>Stars In Their Guys</u><br />The timely relaunch of the Matthew Kelly-presented talent contest in which members of the public impersonate pop stars. The twist here is that every single week all the contestants are forced to mimic the one and only Guy Garvey. It’s still less monotonous than The X Factor.<br /><br /><b>Film</b><br /><u>Les Misera-Elbows</u><br />Big budget movie adaptation of the successful Broadway Elbow musical set in the nineteenth-century French town of Angoulême which as we all know is twinned with Bury, Greater Manchester. Craig Potter plays the anonymous “Elbow Member 00002”, imprisoned for stealing a loaf out of Doves’ feeble indie shtick. Sing along at home, everybody: “I dreamed a dream of Garvey, Guy / Rugged, handsome, Seldom Seen Kidding / I dreamed a dream of Garvey, Guy / Though I found his music to be middling...”<br />
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<br />spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-30620319532282170312017-12-21T15:03:00.000+00:002018-01-03T13:37:09.812+00:00SPINAL BAP'S TOP ALBUMS OF 2017<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: red;">King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard - </span><i style="color: red;">Have A Flying Banana</i><br />
With seven members, two drummers and a flagrant disregard for patience, King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard released more albums in 2017 than Donald Trump sent spectacularly ill-informed tweets. The first of about 692 LPs was performed entirely on customised hollowed-out fruit and consisted of one 45-minute Australian psych-rock reinterpretation of the classic cockney knees-up ‘Let’s All Go Down The Strand And Have A Banana’.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Morrissey - <i>Low In IQ</i></span><br />
On his eleventh solo album, indie rock’s surliest martyr stuck it the to the nefarious forces of the mainstream media by unleashing a much-needed truth bomb on the sedated minds of the sheep-like public. Via his MOR warblings Morrissey informed us that Queen Elizabeth II, Emmanuel Macron, Michelle Obama, Barry Scott from the Cillit Bang adverts, Ant & Dec, Jamie Redknapp and The Weeknd are all sinister illuminati lizard people. You just have to squint your eyes a bit and spend too much time by yourself in an LA mansion. The Mozfather also revealed that our tap water has been laced with fluoride with the express purpose of making the public more susceptible to the art of Banksy who is secretly a double-agent of MI5, that Lena Dunham was an inside job, Ellen Degeneres died in a tragic accident back in the 1990s and was replaced by a doppelganger of Owen Wilson, Hurricane Maria was faked by the BBC news, no one will let you say Christmas anymore, and Israel proudly invented the banoffee pie.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Queens Of The Stone Age - <i>Bellends</i></span><br />
Oh come on, he didn’t mean to kick her in the head. He was just trying to help her get a better shot of the underside of his shoe. Anyway, you can’t even boot an innocent female photographer in the head anymore without being hounded by the alt-left forces of oppression. It’s political correctness gone mad! She was probably fat and ugly anyway which is why she’s behind the camera instead of in front of it like lovely Kate Moss. I bet she has no sense of humour and I could easily beat her in an arm-wrestling contest, wrote Giles Coren in his latest column for <i>The Times</i>.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">LCD Soundsystmeh - <i>Amehrican Dreameh</i></span><br />
In 2011 Jamehs Mehrphy disbanded LCD Soundsystmeh even though the act is essentially just him anyway. This year Jamehs Mehrphy returned with a new LCD Soundsystmeh album. The whole thing was orchestrated to make money and everybody was fine with that, as that is what music is for. Mehking lots and lots of mehny.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard - <i>Polywonkyplonkywoowoo</i></span><br />
By mid-April, King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard were already on their 116th album of the year. Building on the 115th’s innovative fusion of tinned spaghetti instrumentals and operatic Go Compare vocal work, <i>Polywonkyplonkywoowoo </i>was a concept album in three chapters which narrated the interlocking stories of Zuko: Destroyer Of Planets, Flabby Ian The Moss Monster and a final character based loosely on the classic Sega Master System protagonist Alex Kidd. All this was set to a furious neo-psych post-prog soundtrack complete with complex polyrhythmic freebop cyber beats. So quite similar to Elbow’s <i>Little Fictions</i>, then.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Arcade Fire - <i>Everything Foul</i></span><br />
One of the most irritating promotional campaigns in recent times saw Arcade Fire impose a strict dress code at their concerts which dictated that no audience member was allowed to wear a band t-shirt bearing the name of any musical group objectively superior to Arcade Fire. That didn’t exactly narrow it down. The campaign rolled on with Arcade Fire claiming ownership of the millennial pastime of eating Subway sandwiches while watching repeats of <i>The Big Bang Theory</i> on their iPhone in a crowded quiet coach.<br />
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Then all of a sudden the whole thing was revealed as an elaborate hoax. Not just their most recent album rollout but also Arcade Fire’s entire career, including even <i>Funeral</i> when they were still good. It had all been one long spoof conceived by Jim Carrey when he believed he was the resurrected spirit of Andy Kaufman with some assistance from that Lee Nelson bloke.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Liam Gallagher- <i>As You Wad</i></span><br />
When the ex-Oasis frontman announced the first solo album of his career, few expected to it to consist entirely of songs originally performed by the British reggae outfit Aswad. Despite some critics having expressed discomfort with Gallagher’s brazen appropriation of black culture, most agreed that the material was not as dubious as Gorillaz. Without any doubt, <i>As You Wad</i> proved significantly more successful than the second album by Beady Eye, 2013’s <i>UBE40</i>.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">St. Vincent Jones - <i>MASSIVEARSEHOLE</i></span><br />
First a footballer, then Guy Ritchie’s go-to movie hard man, and now an award-winning multi-instrumentalist who’s every bit as handy with a slide whistle as he used to be with a sliding tackle, there really is no end to the talent of Vinnie Jones. Many of the songs were said to be inspired by the impressive eyebrows of Eric Cantona, one exception being the opening track ‘Hang On Me’ which was written from the point of view of Gazza’s trouser plums. The record fared better than that terrible X-Men film he once did, even if St Vinnie lacks the effortlessly cool charisma of Lana Del Ray Wilkins.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard featuring King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard - <i>Fuzzy Wuzzy Pomegranate Gasblimp Part I</i></span><br />
King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard’s 442nd album of the year was their most ambitiously conceptual work to date. Using innovative Holodeck technology and formal advice from The Ghost Of Christmas Yet-To-Come, King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard 2017 were able to collaborate with their future selves in the form of King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard circa 2049. Together the cross-period 14-person supergroup managed to create the busiest psych-rock album since King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard’s 441st album of 2017. No band needs four drummers, mind.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Richard Dawson - <i>Pheasant</i></span><br />
Prior to his latest release, everyone had assumed that the alt-folk troubadour was a north-eastern everyman. It turns out that he was a privileged member of the landed gentry all along, as Dawson (real name Richard “Dickie” Davenport-Fiennes IV) revealed in this concept album about the illustrious history of his favourite game bird. Little has been heard of Dawson since his latest gig at Islington Assembly Hall, although sources close to Nicholas Witchell claim to have seen him playing an aggressive round of croquet with Princess Eugenie after a night on the razzle with Ed Sheeran and The Bluntmeister.<br />
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<br />spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-89729190329141630242017-10-07T18:06:00.000+01:002017-10-07T18:09:49.919+01:00SLEEP'S CBEEBIES BEDTIME STORY NOT GOING AS SMOOTHLY AS HOMME'S<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Following the success of Josh Homme’s rendition of Julia Donaldson’s <i>Zog</i> on the CBeebies channel, the BBC have booked a succession of other desert rockers to read bedtime stories.<br />
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However, the ambitious scheme has already run into various setbacks as it turns out that most desert rockers do not possess the same level of professionalism as the hardworking and charismatic singer from Queens Of The Stone Age.<br />
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For example, Homme’s ex-bandmate Nick Oliveri was forced to cancel his intended recital of <i>Where The Wild Things Are</i> after proving wilder than any of the wild characters from Maurice Sendak’s classic tale by driving naked down the Pacific Coast highway with a kidnapped radio promoter in his car boot while firing an unlicensed assault rifle at the sky.<br />
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The starkers bassist’s intended replacement, Scott Wino of Saint Vitus, informed BBC staff that he was venturing into the Californian desert to research his performance of an extract from Louis Sachar’s <i>Holes</i> but was last spotted in a confused haze, circling around and around the same cactus while muttering prayers to Helios God of the Sun.<br />
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Perhaps the most farcical booking to date comes in the form of the stoner trio Sleep who, having being asked to narrate a picture book together, are thought to have confused what is meant by a “joint” reading. An inside source said that the band has been holed up in the same BBC broom cupboard for the last 18 months with marijuana smoke seeping constantly out of the crack under the door. “Having said that,” added the source, “it’s nothing compared to the scenes of degradation that defined the Andi Peters era.”<br />
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At the time of writing, Sleep’s story is still intended for broadcast although producers have voiced concern that the band’s hour-long meditation on <i>Each Peach Pear Plum</i> is never going to squeeze into its proposed 10-minute broadcast slot.
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<br />spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-67797181218755571962017-07-28T10:38:00.000+01:002017-07-28T11:02:17.404+01:00RANKED: ARCADE FIRE'S ALBUMS FROM BEST TO WORST<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Contemporary journalism has been widely criticised for eschewing traditional investigative practices, nuanced politico-social commentary and specialist arts criticism in favour of desperate and nihilistic click-hungry ranking. Ranking members of the Kardashian family. Ranking singles by Ranking Roger. Ranking yourself into apathetic numbness as the world around us slowly burns.<br />
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Here at Spinal Bap we are not above such unashamed rankery and seeing as <b>Arcade Fire</b> have a new cassette tape out or something and they’ve appealed to complete rankers since day one, we thought we might as well rank all their albums.<br />
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You’ll be pleasantly surprised by the order we came up with!<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Funeral</span><br />
In first place we have the first Arcade Fire album, obviously. Released in 2004, <i>Funeral</i> offered everything from a semi-tragic back-story to a post-Godspeed propensity for additional viola players. The album earned an unprecedented nine-point-infinity rating from Pitchfork even though it contained nothing that Hope Of The States hadn’t already nailed. Still, there’s no denying this was their first album.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Neon Bible</span><br />
Arcade Fire’s difficult second album was difficult for the band to make and even more difficult to be excited about unless you happened to work in the offices of Pitchfork. It had that song about cars on it and, y’know, that other one, the other one about the cars. It was better than what was to follow, however, and anyone who disagrees has clearly lost their bag of spherical rolling toys.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">The Suburbs</span><br />
Arcade Fire’s difficult third album is also third in the respect that it is their third best. Not to be confused with a competition from the pages of an upper-class Victorian periodical, Win Butler is the frontman of Arcade Fire. Win described <i>The Suburbs</i> as a cross between Depeche Mode and Neil Young even though neither of those artists peaked with their debut album. Pitchfork were euphoric once more, comparing the record to The Clash’s <i>Sandinista!</i>, Bruce Springsteen’s catch-all genius and The Earth by a supreme being known to some humans as “God”.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Reflektor</span><br />
If their third-released and third-best album was a little on the long side, Arcade Fire’s difficult fourth album was a never-ending road trip down the dull freeway of Win Butler’s self-indulgence. Across two discs produced by the confidence man who pretended to split up LCD Soundsystem, <i>Reflektor</i> explored dance-rock, art-rock and dub reggae, but mainly dance-rock. New Order remained untroubled. Pitchfork remained in thrall, enjoying the results as much as oxygen, orgasms or cake.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Everything Now</span><br />
Everything? No. Not with a title track that sounds exactly like Dan Gillespie-Sells from The Feeling covering ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off You’ in an ABBA wig with a panpipe breakdown. Arcade Fire’s difficult follow-up to their difficult fourth album was marketed in an even more patronising fashion than Radiohead’s previous six promotional campaigns combined. The actual music, which they’d spent less time on, was so bad that even Pitchfork scored it lower than the third Kaiser Chiefs LP.<br />
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<br />spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-74332520732148616272017-07-10T11:45:00.000+01:002017-07-10T19:15:55.543+01:00SIX UNRELEASED ALBUMS YOU'D SLAUGHTER YOUR OWN GRANNY TO HEAR<br />
Nostalgic fans who are only interested in Neil Young’s boring old material will be thrilled to learn than the cantankerous Canadian will finally release one of his long-lost albums on July 14. <i>Hitchhiker</i> was originally recorded in 1976 but the material was binned when Young became distracted with other projects such as cocaine.<br />
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Young isn’t the only musician with an album or twelve tucked away at the back of his audio pantry. Here are six more records that have yet to see the light of day that it would literally be worth injecting your own grandmother with a lethal dose of diamorphine to hear.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Green Day - <i>Cigarettes And Valentines And The Same Three Chords</i></span><br />
The Californian trio abandoned this album when its master tapes were stolen by a benevolent Robin Hood figure hoping to spare the masses from yet more Green Day. Instead, Billy Bobby Thornton and co. dusted themselves off and wrote the bloated concept album <i>American American</i>. But what would that original album have sounded like? Pop-punk, obviously. Working titles included ‘Oi Oi’, ‘Yeah Yeah Yeah’, ‘Boohoo Ballad’, ‘Spank Spank’ and ‘Mickey The Mohawk’s Tragic Tale Of Social Security Woe (Woe, Woe, Woah)’.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">U2 - <i>Trilogy</i></span><br />
According to Bono’s water-polo partner George W. Bush, U2 have at least three albums worth of unreleased material which ranges from bombastic arena rock to acoustic arena rock. I’m not surprised because one of them once slipped down the back of Bono’s sofa only to find its way into my iTunes library and now I can’t delete it without the webcam taking my picture without permission and automatically adding my name to a secret government list of known atheists.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Donald J. Trump - <i>The Art Of Making A Really Really Great Album Like A True Champ</i></span><br />
Much like Jesus, little is known about Donald Trump’s teenage years other than he was almost certainly a precocious tool. One theory is that the young Donald spent much of that time working on an ambitious space-prog concept album inspired by Orson Welles, golden shiny things and several books he hasn’t read. It is thought that Trump abandoned his musical aspirations when it finally dawned on him that he could not operate any grown-up instruments with such tiny hands. He then decided to focus on his second dream of becoming America’s least qualified human.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Billy Joel - <i>Everything Since 1993</i></span><br />
In a reversal of the hideous portrait in Dorian Gray’s attic, the songs Billy Joel records in his secluded basement are as sprightly and vibrant as the work of his youth while, externally speaking, Joel slowly transforms into a pink fleshy egg. In concert, Joel’s piano has to be secured to the stage floor with extra reinforced bolts to prevent it from being sucked into the air by the force of an entire arena crowd gasping in unison at this upsetting reminder of mortal decline.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Gary Barlow - <i>Eyebrow Of The Tiger</i></span><br />
At the nadir of his portly wilderness years, Gary Barlow recorded an entire concept album dedicated to his own right eyebrow. Tracks included ‘Back For Eyebrow’, ‘Everything Eyebrows’, ‘A Million Eyebrows’, ‘How Deep Is Your Eyebrow’, ‘It Only Takes An Eyebrow’, ‘I Will Eviscerate Robbie Williams And Feed His Gunky Entrails To That Prickhole Max Beesley’ and ‘Relight My Eyebrow’. Gary Barlow’s right eyebrow was so touched by the gesture that it has remained raised in erotic stimulation ever since.
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<span style="color: red;">Noel Gallagher, John Zorn and Autechre - <i>Vol. 1: Definitely Quabungzizz-X</i></span><br />
A couple of years ago, word got out that the ex-Oasis songwriter had recorded a whole album in collaboration with the avant-garde composer John Zorn and groundbreaking electronic duo Autechre. Regrettably, Gallagher shelved the project when he suddenly remembered that it could jeopardise his long-cultivated reputation as Britain’s dullest musician.
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<br />spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-45127742444384205872017-04-08T14:02:00.000+01:002017-04-08T14:10:43.197+01:00FIVE OF THE GREATEST MUSICAL EASTER EGGS HIDDEN IN ALBUMS<br />
Most of the time the phrase “Easter egg” will make you think of stuffing your insatiably greedy face with Lindt rabbits while intravenously injecting the gunk from a Cadbury’s Creme Egg directly into your bloodstream. However, in the world of video games, films and software, “Easter egg” doesn’t have anything to do with the resurrection of Christ. It basically means hidden messages or secret quirks, like when pressing up-down-left-right-left-right-start-up-up-up-down-up-down-up-poweroff-start-pause-pause during Level Three of <i>Desert Strike</i> for the Sega Megadrive would reveal a bonus cut scene in which defenceless Iraqi hostages were murdered in cold blood by Gilius Thunderhead from<i> Golden Axe</i>.<br />
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There are plenty of them in music too, including secret songs, backwards voices and loads of other rubbish. Here are five of the best Easter eggs in music. Please don’t tell us your own favourites in the comments below.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">The Beatles - <span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">‘</span>Her Majesty<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">’</span></span><br />
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Not listed on the original sleeve, this track was never intended for inclusion on <i>Abbey Road</i> given that it is essentially Paul McCartney’s confession to having an unhealthy sexual obsession with Elizabeth II. In recent years, the ex-Beatle has taken stalking to new extremes by following the queen wherever she goes while encouraging strangers to continuously repeat the “na na na” bit from ‘Hey Jude’ in an unending, maddening loop until she finally agrees to wed him.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Nirvana - </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">‘</span><span style="color: red;">Endless Nameless Pointless Celebrities</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">’</span><br />
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When Nirvana’s <i>Nevermind</i> was released in 1991, listeners were shocked to discover that if they waited long enough for ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ to end then they’d be bombarded by 12 more tracks of self-pitying grunge pop. Similarly, listeners who waited long enough for Nirvana to end were subsequently bombarded by Dave Grohl’s own horrifying Easter egg which he named The Foo Fighters.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Tool - </span><i style="color: red;">10,000 Days</i><br />
If you play all the tracks on Tool’s 2006 album <i>10,000 Days</i> at the same time while simultaneously holding separate sleeves of the LP up to windows on opposite sides of the room, then a hologram of lead singer Maynard James Keenan (pictured above) will appear and gleefully announce that there will be eight Pucifer records, another A Perfect Circle reformation and three more appearances of Halley’s Comet before the next Tool album arrives, you patient maggots.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Desert Sessions - </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">‘</span><span style="color: red;">Shepherd’s Pie</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">’</span><br />
Absent from some copies of the album, this piss-around track was reputedly inspired by the delicious shepherd’s pie that PJ Harvey (pictured above) cooked for Josh Homme, Twiggy Ramirez, Chris Goss and other rockin’ rockers as they recorded together in the Californian desert. I wish PJ Harvey would cook some shepherd’s pie for me. Why does PJ Harvey never cook shephard’s pie for me? God I’m lonely.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Radiohead - <i>0 to 10</i></span><br />
<i>OK Computer</i> and <i>In Rainbows</i> both have ten letters in their title. The latter was released a decade after <i>OK Computer</i>, on October 10th. The band made it available for download on ten servers. When touring the album, Radiohead’s support slots were given to Tenpole Tudor, The Three Tenors and Ten Inch Nails. What’s the significance of the number ten? Create a playlist that alternates the tracks of <i>OK Computer</i> with those of <i>In Rainbows</i>, and you end up with one massive seamless Radiohead album. Unfortunately though, it’s still a Radiohead album which is 10 million per cent less enjoyable than Jason Donovan’s seminal debut record <i>Ten Good Reasons</i>.<br />
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<br />spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-69316897201222763182017-01-22T13:35:00.000+00:002017-01-22T13:37:02.646+00:00NICK CAVE AND WARREN ELLIS TO SCORE NEXT SERIES OF MASTERCHEF<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Following the success of their atmospheric movie soundtracks, Nick Cave and Warren Ellis have been hired to provide the backing music to the forthcoming series of the BBC’s toughest cookery competition.<br />
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In what looks to be the biggest shake-up of the show’s ambience since it was rebranded <i>MasterChef Goes Large</i> and then quickly re-rebranded back to <i>MasterChef</i> again, its producers felt that Cave and Ellis’ gothic soundscapes could bring a sense of drama and class to the format which has recently suffered from an over-reliance on thumping house music to embellish the acts of dicing up carrots and deconstructing a fish pie.<br />
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A statement from their management said that both musicians are huge fans of the show, even though Cave’s own diet is limited strictly to snakeskin soup, washed down with the crimson blood of virgins.<br />
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<i>MasterChef</i> co-presenter Gregg Wallace was also deeply involved in the recording process, advising, guiding and critiquing the composers despite possessing zero musical ability of his own. Producers felt that by shouting “you’ve got three minutes” at Cave and Ellis as they approached the desired running time, Wallace made a valuable contribution in his own special way.
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<br />spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-4212676739324044922016-12-20T17:05:00.000+00:002016-12-20T17:05:49.858+00:00SPINAL BAP'S TOP ALBUMS OF 2016<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: red;">Christine & The Stephen Kings - <i>Beep Beep Yeah</i></span><br />
Manufactured in a factory built on top of an ancient Indian gas station, it was only a matter of time before this automobile named “Christine” developed a mind of its own and went on a bloodthirsty rampage. The spooky car honked its horn, screeched its wheels, tried as best it could to learn some very complex choreography and mercilessly ran over anyone who stood in the way of its ambition to transgress the limitations of its metallic chassis and blossom into a precocious French pop star.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">David Bowie - <i>Blackstar</i></span><br />
As David Bowie shuffled off this mortal coil he left a parting gift to us in the form of <i>Blackstar</i>, widely recognised as his greatest accomplishment since 1998’s <i>Mechanical Animals</i>. As it turned out, <i>Blackstar</i> was the gift that kept on giving, especially in its vinyl format. As investigative fans soon discovered, if you leave the gatefold sleeve in the sun, the “black star” image transforms into a glowing constellation. Not only that, when exposed to a blacklight, the cover’s colour changes to fluorescent blue. Finally, if you reflect lava-lamp light off one side of the record at a specific angle while standing on one leg, humming like Noel Fielding in a leotard and juggling pineapples using telekinesis, then a projection appears on the ceiling declaring: “Cease dicking around with this tawdry old LP jacket, go out in the fresh air and start living a little, yeah? Love David xx”<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Francis Drake - <i>Sea Views</i></span><br />
At a whopping 20 tracks long, Francis Drake’s fourth full length felt longer than circumnavigating the globe in a creaky galleon. Essentially it was yet another album of Renaissance bangerz about how dreadfully tough it is being Francis Drake, covering the usual subject matter of scurvy, tobacco, mutineers, Spanish treasure, lethal dysentery and the mixed messages he’s been getting at Queen Elizabeth’s pool parties.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Iggy Pop - <i>Post Homme Depression</i></span><br />
The greatest trick Josh Homme ever pulled was convincing the world he was a hip rockin’ dude as cool as a cryogenic Fonze. In reality, the man is a curse. A malevolent scourge of all that is musical. A hex put on our planet to ruin, diminish or destroy any artist he touches, like an MOR King Midas. Screaming Trees never managed another album after touring with Homme. Alex Turner hasn’t written a single relatable lyric or nifty riff since Homme began co-producing The Arctic Monkeys. And the less said about The Eagles Of Death Metal the better. Then came the turn of Iggy Pop. It takes a special sort of genius to make the most wildly badass, permanently half-naked feral frontman of all time sound like a pampered bloodhound crooning over a discarded Thin Lizzy demo reel, but Josh Homme managed it all right. For that, he should be applauded. Then promptly exiled back to the desert to think about what he’s done.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">The 1975 - <i>I Like It When You Sleep For You Are So Beautiful Yet So Unaware Of It And It Also Means That I Can Just Talk Uninterrupted Which Suits Me Fine Because As You Can Tell From The Length Of This Album Title I Am The Most Important Man On The Planet</i></span><br />
Sounds more like 1985 to me. Specifically INXS, Simple Minds and all those prats who enjoy a good yacht.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Jenny Hval - <i>Blood Bitch</i></span><br />
Did you know that if you book a group of avant-garde musicians into a single recording studio, they all start their period concept albums at the same time? Jenny Hval’s LP wasn’t just about menstruation of course. It also explored gender politics, capitalism, madness, failure, infatuation, love, loneliness, art, identity and vampires. Sadly, after the first appearance of the P word most male listeners went immediately pink in the face, stared into the distance pretending not to hear and hoping the conversation would swiftly return to the masculine merits of the latest Radiohead video.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Biffy Clyro - <i>Ellipses</i></span><br />
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<span style="color: red;">Craig David - <i>Following Meh Intuition</i></span><br />
2016 had its fair share of disasters, from America electing its first furiously illiterate tangerine president to the UK referendum on whether there should be a 12.5% hike in the price of Marmite (in the end, the “Marmexiters” triumphed, leaving many “Remarmiters” feeling distraught, hopeless and drastically less yeasty). It was a good year for R&B, however, especially thanks to the pioneering work coming out of the US. Rather than getting too bogged down in Beyoncé’s black power break-up record, Frank Ocean’s jazzy weed jams or The Weeknd’s subversive cocaine pop, here in the UK we welcomed the return of Craaaaaig David. He had a hit single in collaboration with Notorious Big Daddy, his album debuted and number one and he won best male at the ceaselessly credible MOBO awards. Like everything else that happened in this year, Craig David’s comeback showed us that British culture is only ever truly interested in getting a re-rewind.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Billy Corgan - <i>Siddhartha</i></span><br />
Let’s be honest, this release was way better than David Bowie, Radiohead, Frank Ocean, Savages, Swans, PJ Harvey, Nick Cave, The Avalanches, Bat For Lashes, Bon Iver, Angel Olsen, Leonard Cohen, Shirley Collins, Michael Kiwanuka, Kendrick Lamar and Suede all put together. A five-vinyl box set recording of Corgan’s solo ambient synthesizer jam inspired by Hermann Hesse and retailing at a mere $375? What’s not to like?<br />
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Remember, this is the guy who released an album for free on the internet before most of his contemporaries had even signed up for a Hotmail account, hooked up with Courtney Love, fell out with Courtney Love, got back together with Courtney Love, wrote some songs with Courtney Love, posed on the cover of a magazine for cat lovers, thinks that words such as “Smashing Pumpkins” and “Zwan” are serviceable band names, once made an acoustic-based pop-goth album while addicted to amphetamines, went viral simply by sitting on a rollercoaster looking a like a sad child, founded his own pro-wrestling company, was appointed Senior Producer of another pro-wrestling company only to fall out with them and start suing them a few months later, believes that swine flu was a part of a government conspiracy and runs his own tea shop called Madame ZuZu’s.<br />
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At last year’s Glastonbury Festival, Kanye West claimed to be the “greatest living rock star on the planet”. Yeezy remains light years behind the pure batshit genius that is William Patrick Corgan.
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<br />spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-1320944030389231082016-08-31T10:08:00.000+01:002016-08-31T10:08:56.403+01:00YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT THESE ALBUM COVER STARS LOOK LIKE TODAY!!!!<br />
Some album covers are just iconic, like Pink Floyd’s <i>Dark Side Of The Moon</i> or that Guns N’ Roses one with the spaghetti. The sleeve is a visual representation of the record, so artists are usually picky about what graces the cover. Often it’s a moody picture of the musicians themselves or a pretentious piece of artwork. But sometimes the band chooses a random photograph of some other idiot.<br />
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So whatever happened to the stars of these iconic covers? You’ll be amazed that the biological ageing process has taken its toll on the physical appearance of these human beings!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4yvlolkCWOWhSrllBNHZ-WoG7i5h8R_jZAKBlAs7O-fxQSGUNufEMswEZ9KUM_8dI5vsG4rpnBPMpIccjYme-KRLjlpvGB-8JzgzPxbdBu76nFThJeIdFTF7b3QiXHWVNcE_QDR2_kt4/s1600/blink.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="318" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4yvlolkCWOWhSrllBNHZ-WoG7i5h8R_jZAKBlAs7O-fxQSGUNufEMswEZ9KUM_8dI5vsG4rpnBPMpIccjYme-KRLjlpvGB-8JzgzPxbdBu76nFThJeIdFTF7b3QiXHWVNcE_QDR2_kt4/s320/blink.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Ah, the year 1999. Dawson’s Creek was still cool, Christina Aguilera released ‘Genie In A Bottle’ and Oliver Reed failed to complete filming <i>Gladiator</i> due to a fatal drinking binge with some Royal Navy sailors. It was also the year of Blink-182’s puerile masterpiece <i>Enema Of The State</i> and who can forget that cover with the hot nurse snapping on a rubber glove? But what does she look like today?<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif3tWFovVsLBT6-W0LWXAxAOVvNkfpqCNZPPsnr6vusT8lIvaI4P3qx7K-ZKTRxqLh_NiGeONK8AmAm-dusKU5v6QfvUtESHo6SaC7kxzppxC-z9vIexz4aNnTcqPTRIj5a9NxcgiwUdE/s1600/may.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif3tWFovVsLBT6-W0LWXAxAOVvNkfpqCNZPPsnr6vusT8lIvaI4P3qx7K-ZKTRxqLh_NiGeONK8AmAm-dusKU5v6QfvUtESHo6SaC7kxzppxC-z9vIexz4aNnTcqPTRIj5a9NxcgiwUdE/s320/may.jpg" width="223" /></a></div>
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The years have not been kind.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGcTzFlv9EGy9biOlV87kZ7qOuHBy4AL1PKB23px4kNcCmKudzpXKAGQiI6f-mqzbfknOdNKcT1buCthAsUJ4wJvZmKsf-VP25xe84bQfJJw2ekeL5Juj8btJcfyxVjXQQadyqeP435Ao/s1600/placebo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGcTzFlv9EGy9biOlV87kZ7qOuHBy4AL1PKB23px4kNcCmKudzpXKAGQiI6f-mqzbfknOdNKcT1buCthAsUJ4wJvZmKsf-VP25xe84bQfJJw2ekeL5Juj8btJcfyxVjXQQadyqeP435Ao/s1600/placebo.jpg" /></a></div>
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David Fox threatened to sue Placebo for the inclusion of his image on their debut album. He claims he was bullied at school for appearing on the cover but it could’ve been worse. The New Radicals, Stereophonics and Texas all had albums out in 1999. Imagine the stick you’d get for being on the front of one of those atrocities. <i>Performance And Cocktails</i> would get your head flushed down the toilet at the very least.<br />
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Who would’ve thought that the little boy on Placebo’s debut was as susceptible to aging as you, me and every person who ever lived? Here he is today, his skin ravaged by time, the lines on his face like craters on the surface of a distant planet with hardly a glimmer of hope in those dead, dead eyes. The decaying fool.<br />
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Everyone smoked in the 1980s, as accurately depicted in the period drama <i>Mad Men</i> which I reckon was set then or thereabouts. Even the babies smoked. Well at least the coolest babies did, like the one on the front of Van Halen’s <i>1984</i>.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZyI4biddPF9TOcLlYNzwnnTF3MGaotTrkJTNch6eeW4uZ8reBBXkJUFJ5OhMWJ_uyuWR_C3B8395-kaM22IGxI11XHlUdQlbBy2dBZtUuzQ5_ojpMXZWfcVw7rJ-j8RIToOx5G5eoGs8/s1600/jack.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZyI4biddPF9TOcLlYNzwnnTF3MGaotTrkJTNch6eeW4uZ8reBBXkJUFJ5OhMWJ_uyuWR_C3B8395-kaM22IGxI11XHlUdQlbBy2dBZtUuzQ5_ojpMXZWfcVw7rJ-j8RIToOx5G5eoGs8/s1600/jack.jpg" /></a></div>
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It was based on a photograph of four-year-old Carter Helm. And get this, that baby is no longer a baby but has since grown and matured and sleepwalked through life just like we all do and one day he will die, just like we all will die, probably from lung cancer or some other merciless disease.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTMJBg1_7N4FFkHzQD3ak8tXRYsrH7TLlBq8FD8mjzW41fMZA1vwbzCthFuciGZCOk8XAKSY3SMWW6T393DBNwIpMMZz4EvLeg8QxOtCfuIRK7Vcde1W2K1X5myOOsAp84lWHMKigo4Gs/s1600/nevermind.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="315" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTMJBg1_7N4FFkHzQD3ak8tXRYsrH7TLlBq8FD8mjzW41fMZA1vwbzCthFuciGZCOk8XAKSY3SMWW6T393DBNwIpMMZz4EvLeg8QxOtCfuIRK7Vcde1W2K1X5myOOsAp84lWHMKigo4Gs/s320/nevermind.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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This could be the most iconic album cover ever, but at the time photographer Kirk Weddle didn’t have a clue who Nirvana were or what a success the band and their album would become, the shortsighted fool.<br />
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So what’s that baby up to today? Psychologically scarred by being plunged into a swimming pool against his will and forced to swim after a dollar bill by a bunch of selfish rock stars, Spencer Elden thereafter associated money, power and fame with water and thus spent most of his life submerged in baths, pools and tides. The effect has prematurely aged him, turning him into this wrinkly freak.<br />
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<br />spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-67817296762436014262016-08-04T13:50:00.000+01:002016-08-04T13:50:31.715+01:00MEHRCURY PRIZE 2016: DAVID BOWIE GETS POSTHUMEHS NOMEHNATION<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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David Bowie’s final album, <i>Blackstar</i>, has been shortlisted for the 25th annual Mehrcury Prize.<br />
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Bowie is joined on the shortlist by Radiomehd, who receive a record fifth nomehnation for their mehgnificently emehtional album <i>A Mehn Shaped Pool</i>.<br />
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They face comehpetition from two grimeh albums, Kano’s <i>Mehde In The Mehnor</i> and Skeptmeh's <i>Konnichimeh</i>. The records, which address everything from police harassmehnt to broken famehlies, both reflect an emehrging mehturity in grimeh.<br />
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Other artists nomehnated for the £25,000 prize include Laurmeh Mehvula, Meh 1975 and Mehchael Kiwmehnuka.
The full list of nomehnees is:<br />
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Amehni - <i>Hopelessness</i><br />
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Bat For Lashmehs - <i>The Brid(m)e(h)</i><br />
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David Bowie - <i>Blackstar</i><br />
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Jameh Woon - <i>Mehking Timeh</i><br />
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Kano - <i>Mehde In The Mehnor</i><br />
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Laurmeh Mehvula - <i>The Dreamehing Room</i><br />
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Mehcheal Kiwmehnuka - <i>Love And Hate</i><br />
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Radiomehd - <i>A Mehn Shaped Pool</i><br />
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Savmehges - <i>Mehdore Life</i><br />
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Skeptmeh - <i>Konnichimeh</i><br />
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Meh 1975 - <i>I Like It Mehn You Sleep, For You Are So Beautiful Yet So Unameh Of It</i><br />
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The Comeht Is Comehing - <i>Channel The Spirits</i><br />
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<br />spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-63184566212664579282016-05-03T16:05:00.000+01:002016-05-03T16:05:21.674+01:0017 WAYS RADIOHEAD MIGHT "DROP" THEIR NEW ALBUM<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="text-align: start;">Yada yada yada imminent new Radiohead album blah blah blah probable surprise release rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb what might that entail? #listicle</span></div>
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1. It will be released in printed score format, like Beck’s Song Reader. Fans will only be able to hear it by forming or hiring their own Radiohead covers bands with shit names like Parma Kolice, I Might Be Thom and Muse.<br />
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2. As a toy in special packets of Kellogg’s Frosties.<br />
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3. Free with The Mail On Sunday, in tribute to Prince.<br />
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4. Exclusive torrent via the dark web, protected from the prying eyes of MI5, the CIA, the Illuminati, ITV2, HM Revenue & Customs, Q Magazine and Esther Rantzen.<br />
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5. Via Aphex Twin’s soundcloud account.<br />
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6. Downloaded automatically to people’s iTunes libraries just like U2 did only this time everyone will be really happy about it because they like Radiohead an awful lot more than U2 even though both Radiohead and U2 are practically the same.<br />
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7. Phil Selway knocks on your door and hands you a handmade cassette copy as well as some Jehovah’s Witnesses propaganda leaflets, in tribute to Prince.<br />
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8. Just on a fucking betamax or something.<br />
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9. Napster.<br />
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10. The album will be streamed exclusively in elevators and supermarkets (Exit Muzak).<br />
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11. It was down the back of your sofa all along.<br />
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12. It’s in the Panama Papers but the lazy media missed it because they are lazy and were lazily looking for evidence of their own corruption.<br />
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13. Scavenger hunt round pub car park.<br />
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14. Band claim it is hidden in certain copies of Hail To The Thief but you can only hear it if you listen very, very, very closely. Fans give rave reviews based on its distinctiveness.<br />
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15. Somewhere that is even less cool than what Wu-Tang did.<br />
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16. It’s just birds singing. Nature’s own music is a spectacular force in unmediated form with humans merely its own compromised interlocutors. So it’s just birds signing. But, let’s be clear, Radiohead have invented that now.<br />
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17. It’s disappeared up its own arse.
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<br />spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-45534135092967212572016-03-11T09:45:00.000+00:002016-03-11T09:45:17.441+00:005 THINGS WE KNOW ABOUT RADIOHEAD'S NEW ALBUM<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTYEkXiz_o-E8OPYnhzyfwjdQ2dcQ2D-zImjW9_3dc4umzTjS001u2jXPqL4CwPyW0wM_DpMdJhAx4EH0cudPRznd6NxRwAN8xp6sVK5nm_0yW6O2_ZPoMCR1kUezyCbWMPESbVTW94ho/s1600/Thom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTYEkXiz_o-E8OPYnhzyfwjdQ2dcQ2D-zImjW9_3dc4umzTjS001u2jXPqL4CwPyW0wM_DpMdJhAx4EH0cudPRznd6NxRwAN8xp6sVK5nm_0yW6O2_ZPoMCR1kUezyCbWMPESbVTW94ho/s320/Thom.jpg" width="204" /></a></div>
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The latest Radiohead album must be just around the corner. The band are headlining Primavera, they recently registered a new company and have shared a rejected theme song from the Alvin & The Chipmunks movie franchise. But what do we really know about their much-anticipated ninth album?<br />
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<b>There will be instruments</b><br />
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Radiohead have shown great interest in instruments, since almost day one. Some of their recording tools have been consistent (guitars, drums, bass, gong), other instruments come and go (trombone, clarinet, lemon, oboe). So, we can be pretty certain that Radiohead’s ninth album will probably have instruments on it.<br />
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<b>George Martin will produce</b><br />
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Unless something very unexpected happens, George Martin is likely to resume his role as Radiohead’s “sixth member”. He’s produced all of Radiohead’s albums, including their 1997 masterpiece <i>Abbey Computer</i>, and also plays in Thom Yorke’s side-project, Patterns Of Grease, with Flea from The Red Hot Big Lebowski.<br />
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<b>The artwork will be designed by Jamie Hewlett</b><br />
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Jamie Hewlett has created every Radiohead album cover since 1995’s <i>Fake Plastic Beach</i>. In collaboration with frontman Thom Yorke, Hewlett also helped to invent several of Radiohead’s other characters, including Ed O’Brien, Jonny Greenwood, Philip Selway and Kapitan Colin The Magik Wagamama Monkey.<br />
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<b>It will be a surprise release</b><br />
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Before every artist from Beyoncé to Wilco was in the habit of dropping records like bombs on Guernica, Radiohead helped pioneer the idea of a surprise release. <i>Strained Binbags</i> was announced in 2007 with just ten days notice and a pay-what-you-want-but-preferably-£14.99 download price. 2011’s <i>The Clingy Whims</i> was equally unorthodox: the band announced the album by tattooing the moon on the week of release and the LP came wrapped in an origami bowler hat.<br />
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<b>There will be zany lyrics</b><br />
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Unlike most musicians of his generation, Thom Yorke’s writing remains very much in the tradition of the English music hall. But will he be able to top the irreverent sauciness of past Radiohead glories such as ‘Hello Harry Where’d You Get That Gammon?’, ‘Bow Wow Whoopsidah’, ‘Crikey Darling, That’s Big Potata’ and ‘Crazy Daisy Stuck Her Head In The Oven Again’? The world can't wait to find out!<br />
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<br />spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-17842786889525520022016-02-03T17:16:00.000+00:002016-02-03T17:16:48.544+00:00PHIL ANSELMO IN PHILTY TOWERS<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-14868536069676907882016-01-20T10:03:00.000+00:002016-01-20T10:03:38.067+00:00GOD TO RECEIVE NME'S COLDPLAY-LIKE GENIUS AWARD<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It has been revealed that this year’s recipient of the annual NME Coldplay-like Genius Award will be God.<br />
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God’s achievements stretch far and wide; His propensity to answer our prayers while being an all-forgiving omnipresent deity is widely considered almost as impressive as the uplifting crescendo bit on ‘Clocks’. Furthermore, His sacrificing His only son for the sins of mankind is about as moving as the uplifting crescendo bit on ‘Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall’, while His creation of the entire world in just six days is nearly on a par with the uplifting crescendo bit on ‘Fix You’.<br />
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Past winners of the NME Coldplay-like Genius Award have included Buddha, Shiva, Vishnu, Thor, Allah, Ian Brown, Jupiter and His Infernal Majesty Satan The Prince Of All Darkness.
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<br />spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-37515110691302022532016-01-06T09:43:00.000+00:002016-01-06T16:39:55.903+00:00JAMES MURPHY TO REFORM JAMES MURPHY<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Four years ago, James Murphy announced the disbandment of James Murphy. At the time, James Murphy said James Murphy’s existence wasn’t sustainable, citing the exhaustion of touring with James Murphy. James Murphy played a “final” James Murphy show in April 2011, filmed for a James Murphy DVD. Now, though, James Murphy has decided to reunite himself for a reunion tour and brand new James Murphy album.<br />
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Fans of trendy synth-rock haven’t been this excited since Trent Reznor reformed Trent Reznor in 2013, a few years after breaking up Trent Reznor. And James Murphy isn’t the only exciting reformation to be happening this year. For example, after a brief jaunt as a “solo” artist, Jason Lytle will be back on the road with Jason Lytle. Other successful reformations of recent times have included Evan Dando’s resurrection of Evan Dando and Billy Corgan’s latest stint with The Billy Corgan Band.
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<br />spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-55454259009322016822015-12-21T13:36:00.000+00:002015-12-21T13:36:30.415+00:00SPINAL BAP'S TOP ALBUMS OF 2015<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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<span style="color: red;">Sunn O))) - </span><i style="color: red;">Kannon & Ball</i></div>
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This project saw the hooded drone duo lighten their mood somewhat by hooking up with Lancashire comedy legend Bobby Ball. The results were every bit as epic as their 2014 collaboration with Scott Walker, if not quite as amusing. </div>
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<span style="color: red;">Sufjan Stevens - <i>Carey Lowell</i></span><br />
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Who would’ve thought that Sufjan Stevens’ most contemplative and emotional record to date would be a concept album dedicated to the actress best known for playing Jamie Ross in the television drama <i>Law & Order</i>? Carey Lowell was also a Bond girl in the 1980s and was married to Richard Gere for a number of years, so there was plenty of material for Stevens to draw on, much of it unbearably sad.<br />
<span style="color: red;"><br />Wu-Tang Clan - </span><i style="color: red;">Once Upon A Time In Shaolin</i><br />
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Most people haven’t heard this item because the Wu-Tang Clan only produced one copy which was auctioned to a 32-year-old millionaire dickhead and subsequently seized by the FBI. However, before the sale, Spinal Bap’s roving reporter broke into RZA’s recording studio in the dead of night, risking all personal safety, to give the double-album a quick spin. I nearly froze to death sneaking around that place in the dead of night but luckily I protected my neck with a woolly scarf. Tip-toeing below the killer bees nesting in the ceiling, I was confronted by a fierce-looking samurai warrior. Luckily, I realised it was just a life-size cardboard cut-out of Keanu Reeves from the film <i>47 Ronin</i>. I rummaged through reel after reel of Ol’ Dirty Bastard outtakes before I found a mysterious safe marked ‘SECRET WU-TANG ALBUM WITHIN - DO NOT TOUCH - THAT MEANS YOU TOO, CAPPADONNA’. It took a while to hack the electronic lock but I eventually released the door with the password ‘Bobby Digital’. I listened on my headphones, scribbled down a few notes, and got out of there faster than you can say “<i>Return To The 36 Chambers: Dirty Version (Deluxe Edition)</i>.”<br />
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I’m happy to report that this is easily the greatest Wu-Tang record since <i>A Better Tomorrow</i>. GZA spits rhymes about science, RZA raps about chess and a posthumous sample of ODB makes a throaty, coughing sound throughout. Inspectah Deck capitalizes on the success of his game-changing <i>8 Diagrams</i> line “Wu-Tang keep it fresh like Tupperware” by recommending a host of further food-preservation products: “cling film, jam jar, foil, flask or biscuit tin / Hello Kitty lunch box, that’s what I keep my sandwich in ... And don’t forget fridges, bitches!” The album features guest-spots not only from Cher but also Chrissie Hynde and Neneh Cherry, reprising their 1995 charity single ‘Love Can Build A Bridge’, this time transformed into ‘Love Can Build An Affluent Street-Drugs Cartel’. And having lifted dialogue from every vintage kung fu movie ever made, RZA resorts to sampling Steven Seagal’s 2002 box-office flop <i>Half Past Dead</i>.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Sunn O))) - <i>Gammon</i></span><br />
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A mouth-watering drone-metal tribute to cured pork-leg steak.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Sleater-Kinney - <i>All Sleaters To Love</i></span><br />
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Some predicted that Carrie Brownstein would never return to music after the success of <i>Portlandia</i>, yet she and comedy partner Fred Armisen eventually realised that you can’t go on forever tediously mocking hipster culture, perpetuating right-wing stereotypes of feminist bookstore owners and pretending to be Japanese. You can go on forever playing in a band though, as The Rolling Stones continue to prove. Like your typical reformation album, <i>All Sleaters To Love</i> paled in comparison to past glories such as 2005’s <i>The Woods</i> but everybody loved it anyway because it’s Sleater-Kinney, it’s 2015, and who else is there to write about?<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Courtney Love’s Barnet - <i>Sometimes I Sit And Think, “Live Through This Was Good, Wasn’t It?”</i></span><br />
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While its owner was busy making cameos in TV dramas and starring in a critically-acclaimed experimental opera, Courtney Love’s hairdo grew tired of waiting for another Hole album and decided to take matters into its own follicles by recording a solo album. It was quite a lo-fi affair but then it is difficult to play your instrument or competently operate a mixing desk when you’re made out of hair and perpetually high off peroxide fumes. ‘Elevathair Operathair’ and ‘Nobody Really Hairs If You Don't Go To The Parting’ were just two of the project’s many highlights.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Sunn O))) - <i>Mmm Danone</i></span><br />
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A triple-album ambient-noise reimagining of the celebrated yoghurt brand’s iconic jingle.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Mark Lamarr - <i>To Pimp A Buzzcock</i></span><br />
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Many wondered what had become of ex-<i>The Word</i> presenter Mark Lamarr since he ceased presenting his Radio 2 programme five years ago. Turns out he was only making the greatest hip-hop opus all time. Every bit as powerful as Marvin Gaye’s <i>What’s Going On</i>, Curtis Mayfield’s <i>There’s No Place Like America Today</i> and Des O’Connor’s <i>Sing A Favourite Song</i>, the album’s densely packed lyrics explored US race relations, white capitalism, slavery and the social perils faced by ‘50s throwback rockabilly quiff-wearers.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Godspeed You! Black Graperer - <i>It’s Great When You’re Asunder, Sweet And Other Distress, Yeah!</i></span><br />
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2015 finally saw the release of the long-awaited collaboration between Canadian post-rockers Godspeed You! Black Emperor and Madchester legend Shaun Ryder’s second best band. Featuring tracks such as ‘The Helicopter’s Blades Preempt The Woeful Chalk Parable’, ‘#34-88-eta-FAQ’ and ‘Check Me Shakin’ Me Maracas, Luv’, the music swooped from thin drones to awe-inspiring cinematic crescendos, almost Wagnerian in their power and pomp, making Bez’s ability to dance to it all the more impressive.<br />
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<span style="color: red;">Swans - </span><i style="color: red;">A Very Swans Christmas</i><br />
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This December, Swans’ career reached new levels of success with the release of their first Christmas album. Alongside renditions of ‘Silent Night’ and ‘Ding Dong Merrily On High’ and covers of Slade, Wham! and Mariah Carey were original yuletide compositions, such as the tree-themed ‘To Be Kindling’, a jolly sleigh-bell ballad called ‘You Fucking People Make Me Saint Nick’ and a two-chord industrial noise track on which Michael Gira screamed the words “MOTHER”, “CHRIST” and “LAMENTABLE SPROUTS” for 38 festive minutes. Still, this Xmas LP proved more listenable than that Bob Dylan one.<br />
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<br />spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-62705434330909348832015-11-11T17:43:00.002+00:002015-11-11T17:43:24.179+00:00WORLD EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH KURT COBAIN<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Last Christmas, my goth cousin who makes biannual trips to Dracula’s adoptive home of Whitby and has several Cradle of Filth tattoos bought me a Ouija board. Being more of a grunge kid, I never thought I’d have much use for it. Then I heard that <span style="color: red;">Kurt Cobain</span> was releasing a new solo album so I thought I’d try to get in touch. There were a few early hiccups when I released a couple of Cenobites into our dimension and opened a Hellmouth or two. Finally, I made contact:<br />
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<b>Wow. Is this really Kurt D. Cobain?</b><br />
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Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Here we are now, etc.<br />
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<b>So, are you in heaven or, erm, elsewhere?</b><br />
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I may be heavier than heaven but that’s where I am. It’s great here, actually. They’ve got all the warm milk and laxatives you could ever want. I much prefer it to earth. Apart from when two-thirds of the Bee Gees try to instigate an impromptu jam session. Then I say I’m suffering from terrible stomach pains and have to go and lie down.<br />
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<b>Can you suffer stomach pains in heaven?</b><br />
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Of course not. The Brothers Gibb are a few discos shorts of a night fever, if you know what I mean. Mind you, I still have very bad posture.<br />
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<b>What do you make of Dave Grohl’s post-Nirvana career?</b><br />
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Jeez, I just love the Foos. I know everyone thinks I’d hate ‘em but, truth is, if I was still alive I’d be right there at the side of the stage, doing air-guitar to ‘Learning To Fly’ or singing along to that tune about the best, the best, the best of you, the best, the best, the best of you. I think it was called ‘The One’.<br />
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<b>What do you make of Krist Novoselic’s post-Nirvana career?</b><br />
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Who?<br />
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<b>Your old bassist.</b><br />
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Only kidding! Krist is great. Did you ever hear his Eyes Adrift record? That’s the album Nirvana would’ve made after <i>Unplugged</i>. I’d have probably gone into politics too if I’d stuck around. Or at least done a charity 7-inch with Michael Stipe.<br />
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<b>Have you ever listened to Bush?</b><br />
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Yeah, man, they’re great too. I’ve got nothing against them putting their refreshing limey spin on the whole grunge thang. Albini worked with them, you know. They’re cool. Just like everybody else, I can't wait for the 33 1/3 volume on <i>Sixteen Stone</i> written by David Fricke.<br />
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<b>Tell us about your new album, <i>Montage Of Heck</i>.</b><br />
<br />
Oh, it’s too embarrassing. It's just old home recordings, demos, covers, sonic experiments and comedy skits. It’s like everyone looking at your baby photos. The real solo album I was working on towards the end was going to be far more ambitious and communal. Stipey would’ve been on there, of course. Meat Puppets and Dylan Carlson were invited. Mark Lanegan would be duetting. Not that that’s anything special. That cat’s on everything these days. That gives me an idea for another hilarious comedy skit: “New Track Doesn<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-font-kerning: 14.0pt;">’t</span> Feature Mark Lanegan”.<br />
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<b>What did you actually sing on ‘Tourette’s’?</b><br />
<br />
If I remember correctly, the lyrics are as follows: “Meaty matinee / My dear / Cutting out all the carbs / My diet / Weirdo additives / Calorie-chart / We don<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">’</span>t want Happy Meal / Clean heart.” I was on a health kick at the time.<br />
<br />
<b>Did your wife murder you?</b><br />
<br />
Nah.<br />
<br />
<b>Then how come you’re up there? Isn’t suicide a sin?</b><br />
<br />
I didn’t say I wasn’t murdered but I don’t know why you’re all still pointing the finger at my poor wife, you bunch of woman-hating conspiracy nuts. Who’s done best out of my death? Is it genuinely my traumatised widow or is it...<br />
<br />
<b>Dave Grohl!</b><br />
<br />
Right! Dave “nicest guy in rock” Grohl. You’ve “got another confession” have you? I wonder what that could be.<br />
<br />
<b>Really?</b><br />
<br />
No. I’m kidding. Dave’s a great guy.<br />
<br />
<b>Are you really Kurt Cobain?</b><br />
<br />
SÉANCE INTERCEPTED - SÉANCE INTERCEPTED - THIS IS THE VOICE OF LAYNE STALEY - YOU MUST FREE ME FROM MY LIMBO AND HELP ME PUT A STOP TO THE ALL-NEW ALICE IN CHAINS - LOOK INTO THE MIRROR AND REPEAT THESE WORDS FIVE TIMES: “CANDYMAN IN THE BOX, CANDYMAN IN THE BOX, CANDYMAN IN THE BOX...”<br />
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<br />spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4010710002602185130.post-77705780293350982722015-10-22T19:28:00.000+01:002015-10-22T19:29:03.913+01:00ADELE CONFIRMS NEW ALBUM: I AM 25 YEARS OF AGE<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Good news for fans of crying to love songs, Adele has revealed details of her new album. <i>I AM 25 YEARS OF AGE</i> will be released on 25/25/15 and its tracklist is as follows:<br />
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1) Hiya, Love<br />
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2) Send My Love To Your New Lover, My Love<br />
<br />
3) I Miss You And All Of Your Love, Oh Loving Lover<br />
<br />
4) When We Were Young And In Love And It Felt Just Like Love<br />
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5) Remedy For Love<br />
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6) Water Under The Bridge Over Troubled Water<br />
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7) River of Love<br />
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8) Love In The Dark (Dark In The Love)<br />
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9) What’s My Age Again? (Blink 182 cover)<br />
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10) I AM 25 YEARS OF AGE (title track)<br />
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11) Sweetest Love, Loveliest Sweet, Sweet Love, Love’s Sweet (Until It Sours) LOOOOOVE!!! xxx<br />
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<br />spinalbaphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12532667362684317574noreply@blogger.com0