CHRIS BROWN ARRESTED FOR ATTACKING OWN NECK

Gristle-brained R&B goochbag Chris Brown has been arrested following a brutal assault on his own neck.

According to the police report, Brown became involved in an argument with his neck over a text message. Brown tried to force his neck out of his car before punching himself repeatedly in the side of the throat, causing bleeding. He continued to punch and bite his neck, and twice placed himself in a headlock.

A leaked photograph of Brown’s neck reveals the extent of the damage.

OMAR RODRIGUEZ-LOPEZ NOMINATED FOR GOLDEN RASPBERRY AWARD

Omar Rodriguez-Lopez has been nominated for the prestigious Worst Actor award at this year’s Golden Raspberries for his role in At The Drive In’s reformation shows. The ‘Razzies’ are normally restricted to film, but its organisers have decided to extend its reach to concerts due to the sheer dreadfulness of certain performances.

Rodriguez-Lopez was paid handsomely to play a character that should not have proven too much of a stretch to such a seasoned professional: a slightly younger version of himself. Nevertheless, instead of delivering the motion and energy required by the role, his performance was more akin to Nicholas Cage at his most phoned-in or Bill Murray in that film where he obviously didn't want to be there. One critic even said the performance was “as if that bloke from the Blair Witch Project who stands in the corner with his back to the camera for a bit did exactly that for the entire duration of the movie.” Some fans have also expressed disappointment. An attendee at the band’s Brixton Academy show last week likened the experience to paying for a baggie of speed, only to be handed a hardback first edition of John Major’s autobiography One Shade of Grey.

Also nominated are a flailing, howling drunk auntie for her interpretation of Annie Lennox at the Diamond Jubilee Concert and Family Dad creator Seth MacFarlane for his highly inadequate portrayal of a lounge singer at the BBC Proms.

SUDDEN WIND CHANGE CAUSES ALAN SPARHAWK'S FACE TO STAY LIKE THAT

Mormon slowcore group Low are not renowned for their onstage physical energy, but tests conducted at Portland University’s Department of Hipster Sciences have proven that frontman Alan Sparhawk exerts more muscles in his face over the course of one gig than hyperactive tween-arouser Justin Bieber uses in his entire body. Alan supplements his vocals with vivid displays of emotional gurning; every individual line, word and syllable is given its own unique and passionate facial expression.

This staple component of the Low live experience has finally backfired, however, as halfway through the group’s recent set at Latitude Festival, a sudden gust of wind caused Sparhawk’s face to stay like that. In the middle of a very moving rendition of ‘Nightingale’, a powerful blast of air travelled across the front of the stage leaving Sparhawk completely paralysed from the neck up. Facially frozen with his lips pursed, eyebrows half raised, one eye closed, a vague sneer to his left-hand cheek, and chin jutting, understandably the singer became rather distressed. Bringing the song to a close, Sparhawk abruptly ended Low’s set by hurling his guitar into the atmosphere and proclaiming, “Everybody hates me. Now even the damn wind hates me!”

Low have cancelled all gigs for the foreseeable future as Alan receives an experimental new form of primal breeze therapy. His mother had warned him this would happen.

DAVID DIMBLEBY JOINS SEX PISTOLS

Following the appearance of Johnny Rotten on BBC1’s Question Time, David Dimbleby has agreed to join a reformed line-up of legendary punk rockers the Sex Pistols.

Rotten has always admired Dimbleby’s uncompromising role as an impartial mediator of discussion, and encouraged the veteran political commentator to join the band after admitting that his heart wasn’t truly in butter marketing.

The audience at last night’s concert at the Hammersmith Apollo were surprised to discover that the new Sex Pistols line-up included a panel of John Prescott (drums), Baroness Warsi (lead guitar), Will Self (in a sort of Bez role), and some Liberal Democrat.

There are fears that this new approach to performance may compromise the Pistols’ reputation for confrontational live shows, with one audience member complaining that “Personally I found the lengthy discussion of contemporary politico-social issues rather repulsive. We were meant to be furiously wallowing in a nostalgic reverie to our long departed past, not considering the potential merits of a House of Lords reform.”

Dimbleby first met Rotten in Vivienne Westwood’s SEX shop in 1975. He was a founding member of the Sex Pistols and contributed to numerous early recordings before being replaced by Sid Vicious in February 1977.

JOHN ENTWISTLE NAMED NEXT BBC DIRECTOR GENERAL

John Entwistle will be the next Director General of the BBC, it has been announced. Described as “a safe pair of hands”, the ex-Who bassist rose to rock stardom before dying of a cocaine-induced heart attack after a night with groupie stripper in 2002.

Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt has voiced his approval of the appointment, saying, “He is someone who is hugely respected throughout the organisation, and outside the organisation. And naturally I am a huge fan of ‘Boris the Spider’”.

A tough challenge even for the living, Entwistle will face the tricky balancing act of attempting to please newspaper critics with serious and original broadcasting while also satisfying millions of licence-fee payers who demand entertainment and sport which the corporation will struggle to deliver thanks to reduced funding and digital competitors.

In summary, expect even more Pete Townshend documentaries on BBC4.

NEW MUSE SINGLE "A BIT OVER THE TOP FOR ME" SAYS LOUIS XIV OF FRANCE

Louis XIV of France has criticised the new single by prog-pop group Muse, calling the track “a bit over the top for my tastes”. Wearing a bejewelled crown, a bejewelled necklace, and brandishing a sceptre covered in jewels, ‘Le Roi Soleil’ complained that Muse’s mixture of operatic vocals, symphonic strings, big derivative guitar riffs, and meaninglessly sloganeering lyrics was “like being bludgeoned by bombastic obviousness” while holding court at his palace in Versailles beside a portrait of himself riding a horse, surrounded by angels.

An avid connoisseur of high art and music, The Sun King added that singer Matt Bellamy was “like Freddie Mercury without the subtlety”. When pressed further on the issue of Queen, Louis got a little confused and began singing the praises of Maria Theresa of Spain - but then he is 373 years old, bless him.

The single ‘Survival’ has been selected as the Official Anthem of the London 2012 Olympics by the artistic director of the Games, Danny Boyle. Louis XIV confirmed he still owns a VHS copy of the film Trainspotting, but confessed that he hadn’t really followed Boyle’s later work. He also expressed concern that while the ostentatious ceremony and patriotic pomp of events like the Olympics and the Jubilee might be employed as a useful short-term propagandist distraction from Britain’s social and economic difficulties, such shallow and opportunistic political ploys may lead to greater problems further down the line.

THE SPECTACULAR ADVENTURES OF STARS OF THE LID: Episode 2 'Ambient Club'