NEW TRACK DOESN'T FEATURE MARK LANEGAN

Reports are coming in that a band has neglected to feature Mark Lanegan on its latest track. The matter is still under serious investigation but it is believed that the group in question recently uploaded its new song to SoundCloud in promotion of a forthcoming album. However, when listeners played the composition, they could detect no trace of Mark Lanegan whatsoever. A spokesperson from the American Federation of Musicians described the situation as “profoundly disturbing”. Back in 1999, a law was introduced which decreed that every band was legally obliged to feature Mark Lanegan on all future material. ‘Lanegan’s Law’ was intended to aid the plight of the lowly singer after the dissolution of Screaming Trees threatened to end his career, although some campaigners believe the law has since become old fashioned and unnecessary, much like Lanegan's last solo LP.

The offending track has been removed from SoundCloud, although it has been suggested that the act was an honest mistake; it could have been an early instrumental demo from before Lanegan’s vocals were added, for example. Others who listened to the piece have become convinced that they did indeed hear Lanegan’s distinctive gravelly tones in the background, albeit very low in the mix. Mark Lanegan himself was unavailable for comment as he is in the studio laying down songs for everybody’s next record.

GEORGE EZRA ANNOUNCES CONCEPT ALBUM ABOUT CITIES BEGINNING WITH 'B'

Either George Ezra has a fetish for cities beginning with ‘B’ or Joel Pott does (the bloke from Athlete who helps write Ezra’s songs). First came the monstrous success of ‘Budapest’, on which Ezra neglected to educate the British public by consistently eschewing the correct Hungarian pronunciation of the city (“Budapesht”), perhaps because he (co-)wrote the song having never actually visited the very place he was singing about. Then there’s his latest single, ‘Barcelona’, which is basically the same song with the location altered.

Now Ezra has revealed he is to record an entire album solely dedicated to cities that begin with the second letter of the alphabet. It’s an ambitious project to rival that of Sufjan Stevens’ plan to write an album for each American state. Here’s a sneak preview of some of the tracks that will appear on Ezra’s forthcoming LP, Cities In The Key Of B:

‘Bruges’
A popular tourist destination, Bruges boasts Medieval architecture, beautiful canals and crowds of film buffs pointing their fingers and going, “look, that’s where Colin Farrell was chased by a fat man.” A typical honeymoon destination, Bruges is the ideal location for this swoontastic romantic ballad about a girl who wears lots of rouge, enjoys drinking booze and is a fan of Tom Cruise.

‘Bradford’
In many ways, Bradford is an even more romantic city than Bruges. Here, Ezra croons about going on a date to the IMAX cinema at the National Media Museum before visiting one of the best curry houses in the country. Unfortunately, there’s not much to rhyme with ‘Bradford’.“Baby, we’ll eat in Bradford, where there’s no bad food,” he sings.

‘Barcelona’
(rerecorded version of Ezra’s 2015 chart smash)

‘Barcelona’
(cover version of Freddie Mercury’s 1987 chart smash)

‘Bristol’
Traditionally, only the city’s local artists have sung about Bristol, so it’s about time a nice Hertfordshire lad stepped up to break the trip-hop monopoly and bring a fresh, outsider’s eye to the subject. Instead of whispering over ambient beats about weed deals on council estates, Ezra’s acoustic ballad tackles the previously neglected topic of the quality of cake in the Bristol Museum & Art Gallery cafe: ‘The sponge is moist, the portions will fill ya, now let’s check out the stuffed gorilla...’ (He’s on the first floor with the dinosaurs and geology exhibits.)

IGGY AZALEA RUNS OUT OF WORDS THAT RHYME WITH "IGGY"

Hip-hop superstar Iggy Azalea’s career was thrown into its latest crisis yesterday when she and her various co-writers realised that they had completely exhausted all of the things that rhyme with the rapper’s first name.

Notable rhymes the team has previously exploited include “diggy”, “ciggy”, “biggie”, “jiggy” and “tiggy”, not to mention copious fraught half-rhymes such as “sticky”, “trippy”, “kitty”, “Whitney”, “Britney”, “tipsy”, “feel me” and even “ill-y”. In certain cases, the lack of another rhyming word has even forced Iggy to rhyme her name simply with a second “Iggy” within the very same verse.

An inside source has hinted that Iggy is considering changing her name to something more rhyme-friendly, such as “Pat” or “Di”, or simply moving into a less solipsistic genre of music.

LIBERTINES ANNOUNCE NEW ARCHITECTURE-THEMED CONCEPT RECORD

The Libertines have finally confirmed details of their forthcoming album, the architecture-based concept album Anthems For Domed Roof.

It is the band’s third studio album and the first since Pete Doherty overcame his previous dependence on various forms of class A drugs with a newfound addiction to old buildings and other physical structures. Anthems For Domed Roof will be released on 4 September and includes tracks such as Chandrashala Me Now, What Katie Zaha Hadid and Gunga Buildin’.

In a recent interview The Libertines confirmed they hope to begin work on their fourth album “as soon as possible”. This one is rumoured to be inspired by Carl Barat’s penchant for hors d'oeuvres, provisionally titled Anthems For Amuse-bouche.

NEW MUSIC WRESTLING MOVES

Show me a musician, and I’ll show you a person who loves wrestling. The rapper Riff Raff is training for WWE. The Mountain Goats and Luke Haines have each penned concept albums about the sport. Insane Clown Posse, Snoop Dogg and The Misfits have all appeared in the ring. Billy Corgan founded Pro Resistance Wrestling and was recently appointed senior producer at TNA Wrestling. So it’s about time the compliment was reciprocated. Here are four music-inspired moves that Corgan and his wrestling boss peers ought to introduce post-haste:

The Mozza
First, lull your opponent into a sedated daze with a public reading of the needlessly repetitive royalties dispute section of your overlong autobiography. Then blind your opponent by thrusting a bouquet of gladioli into their face. Finally, release an agitated bull into the sports arena and laugh heartlessly as the magnificent beast gores everybody to death.

The Sick Beat
For this Taylor Swift-inspired move, fool your opponent into a false sense of security by allowing them to grapple you. Then shake it off. Position yourself over your competitor while turning your back on Nashville. Get them in a headlock and beat them around the ears while whispering popular phrases such as “whatever”, “like”, “oh my god” and “baby”. This will both intensify the suffering of your opponent and win over the crowd by making it look that you are just like them, like. Consider marketing this move as “The $ick Beet” in the hope the real Swift doesn’t sue.

The Sting in the Ring
This is a more elaborate move in which you hold your opponent in a painful arm-lock until they agree to invest in a Broadway musical about Tyneside shipbuilding that literally nobody wants to see. Fire your tag-team partner Jimmy Nail.

McCartney’s Thumbs
Pretend to compliment your opponent by putting both your thumbs up, wobbling your head and going “oooooh”. Move slowly towards them, distracting them with further “ooooh”s, a couple of “mama”s and a “nanana”. Jolt your thumbs into the nose or eyes of your opponent. The “peace sign” can be used if fingers are preferred.

PARCHMENT STORE DAY 2015: REPORT

As anyone who visited an independent parchment store last Saturday can attest, Parchment Store Day 2015 was a resounding success. 1,500% more parchment was sold than on the previous Saturday and Parchment Store Day 2015 had a 24.3% increase in bound parchment sales and a 97.2% increase in single-sheet parchment sales from PSD 2014. And while some have accused the day of being a bad thing for parchment merchants, it definitely brought a lot of people to independent parchment stalls.

Parchment Store Day was founded several decades ago in resistance to the decline in independent parchment shops and the lamentable rise of WH Smith’s user-friendly A4 Plain Paper Refill Pad.

As is traditional, a number of parchments were created specifically for Parchment Store Day, including exclusive parchments from the likes of Foo Fighters, David Bowie and Ludolph of Saxony (c. 1295-1378).

Unfortunately, some of the rarer Parchment Store Day manuscripts have already appeared for re-sale down the marketplace.