WORLD EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH KURT COBAIN

Last Christmas, my goth cousin who makes biannual trips to Dracula’s adoptive home of Whitby and has several Cradle of Filth tattoos bought me a Ouija board. Being more of a grunge kid, I never thought I’d have much use for it. Then I heard that Kurt Cobain was releasing a new solo album so I thought I’d try to get in touch. There were a few early hiccups when I released a couple of Cenobites into our dimension and opened a Hellmouth or two. Finally, I made contact:

Wow. Is this really Kurt D. Cobain?

Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Here we are now, etc.

So, are you in heaven or, erm, elsewhere?

I may be heavier than heaven but that’s where I am. It’s great here, actually. They’ve got all the warm milk and laxatives you could ever want. I much prefer it to earth. Apart from when two-thirds of the Bee Gees try to instigate an impromptu jam session. Then I say I’m suffering from terrible stomach pains and have to go and lie down.

Can you suffer stomach pains in heaven?

Of course not. The Brothers Gibb are a few discos shorts of a night fever, if you know what I mean. Mind you, I still have very bad posture.

What do you make of Dave Grohl’s post-Nirvana career?

Jeez, I just love the Foos. I know everyone thinks I’d hate ‘em but, truth is, if I was still alive I’d be right there at the side of the stage, doing air-guitar to ‘Learning To Fly’ or singing along to that tune about the best, the best, the best of you, the best, the best, the best of you. I think it was called ‘The One’.

What do you make of Krist Novoselic’s post-Nirvana career?

Who?

Your old bassist.

Only kidding! Krist is great. Did you ever hear his Eyes Adrift record? That’s the album Nirvana would’ve made after Unplugged. I’d have probably gone into politics too if I’d stuck around. Or at least done a charity 7-inch with Michael Stipe.

Have you ever listened to Bush?

Yeah, man, they’re great too. I’ve got nothing against them putting their refreshing limey spin on the whole grunge thang. Albini worked with them, you know. They’re cool. Just like everybody else, I can't wait for the 33 1/3 volume on Sixteen Stone written by David Fricke.

Tell us about your new album, Montage Of Heck.

Oh, it’s too embarrassing. It's just old home recordings, demos, covers, sonic experiments and comedy skits. It’s like everyone looking at your baby photos. The real solo album I was working on towards the end was going to be far more ambitious and communal. Stipey would’ve been on there, of course. Meat Puppets and Dylan Carlson were invited. Mark Lanegan would be duetting. Not that that’s anything special. That cat’s on everything these days. That gives me an idea for another hilarious comedy skit: “New Track Doesn’t Feature Mark Lanegan”.

What did you actually sing on ‘Tourette’s’?

If I remember correctly, the lyrics are as follows: “Meaty matinee / My dear / Cutting out all the carbs / My diet / Weirdo additives / Calorie-chart / We don’t want Happy Meal / Clean heart.” I was on a health kick at the time.

Did your wife murder you?

Nah.

Then how come you’re up there? Isn’t suicide a sin?

I didn’t say I wasn’t murdered but I don’t know why you’re all still pointing the finger at my poor wife, you bunch of woman-hating conspiracy nuts. Who’s done best out of my death? Is it genuinely my traumatised widow or is it...

Dave Grohl!

Right! Dave “nicest guy in rock” Grohl. You’ve “got another confession” have you? I wonder what that could be.

Really?

No. I’m kidding. Dave’s a great guy.

Are you really Kurt Cobain?

SÉANCE INTERCEPTED - SÉANCE INTERCEPTED - THIS IS THE VOICE OF LAYNE STALEY - YOU MUST FREE ME FROM MY LIMBO AND HELP ME PUT A STOP TO THE ALL-NEW ALICE IN CHAINS - LOOK INTO THE MIRROR AND REPEAT THESE WORDS FIVE TIMES: “CANDYMAN IN THE BOX, CANDYMAN IN THE BOX, CANDYMAN IN THE BOX...”

TRACKLIST FOR NIRVANA'S 20TH ANNIVERSARY EDITION OF IN UTERO REVEALED

 

CD1
In Utero Remastered (some - but not all - tracks mixed by that maniac Albini)

CD2
1) Rape Me (demo)
2) That b-side Dave Grohl sang before he was in Foo Fighters
3) That one about the vagina
4) That one about the vagina (4-track demo)
5) That one about the vagina (Butch Vig remix)
6) Rape Me (Dubstep mix)
7) Jesus Christ I Hate Myself I Really Want To Die Life Is Fucking Unbearable Especially Since I Married That God-Awful Woman But Don’t Worry Ha Ha This Is Just A Tongue-In-Cheek Self-Deprecating Song-Title See I Do Have A Sense Of Humour After All Oh No Hang On A Minute Actually I Really Do Hate Myself And Want To Die So It Isn’t Especially Ironic, Oh Well, Whatever, Never Mind
8) Something by Leadbelly
9) Gallons of Rubbing Alcohol Flow Through The Strip (long version)
10) Private Recording Of Cobain Curled Up Naked In The Shower Screaming In Pain From The Specific Bodily Discomfort of Heroin Withdrawal Coupled With The More General Mental Anguish Of Existential Dread (demo)
11) Don’t Recognise This One It’s Probably A Meat Puppets Cover Or Something
12) Tourette’s (acoustic)
13) Verse - Chorus - Verse- Chorus - Solo - Incoherently Screaming Lyrics That Were Nonsensical In The First Place - Chorus - Feedback - End
14) This Is Just Noise, This Was Never Meant To See The Light Of Day
15) Monosyllabic Cobain interview conducted by an overenthusiastic US radio disc-jockey
16) The cringe-inducing sound of the empty sides of a rotting barrel being scraped and scraped and scraped into sheer oblivion (take #237)

CD3
Under-rehearsed live gig further hindered by a sound-desk guy who wasn’t concentrating properly, recorded by some drunkard with a broken boom-box

FEARNE COTTON'S RECORD COLLECTION GOES ONLINE

The record collection of legendary disc jockey Fearne Cotton is now available online. Uploaded by ‘The Void’, an Arts Council funded pop-up site, from today music fans will be able to browse Cotton’s overwhelming collection of over seven records.

“There’ll be information about the record sleeve, all the information about the record itself, as well as whether Fearne rated the album or not,” explained Cotton’s widow Keith Lemon. Cotton famously employed a meticulous 5-star rating system for each piece of music she bought or received. Fearne awarded every item in the collection the full 5 stars, accompanied by additional superlatives such as “mega”, “massive”, “most awesomest ever”, “cool” and “really, really cool”, suggesting that her critical faculties may have been damaged in childhood.

The virtual museum includes such rare curiosities as a first pressing of Mis-Teeq’s 2004 hit ‘Scandalous’, a Foo Fighters greatest hits compilation, and some stuff by The Kooks. It’s not all obscurities though, as the trend-setting DJ also found room for plenty of U2 and Coldplay.

Many of the items have had to be professionally cleaned and restored after suffering significant physical damage from the bestial drool and other bodily products expelled by Cotton’s simian colleague Chris Moyles.

Besides the details of her records, the electronic archive also includes Cotton’s hand-written preparation notes for her ITV2 television vehicle ‘Fearne And…’ Intended for celebrities such as Peaches Geldof, Paris Hilton, and Craig David, a list of hard-hitting, penetrative questions such as “How many shoes do you own?”, “What’s it like being so famous?” and “Can I touch your hair?” can be viewed in their original form, written in blue crayon on the back of some SpongeBob toilet roll.

Cotton died in 2011 after almost ten years at the BBC. She was 65 years old.

ONEIDA'S KID MILLIONS PHYSICALLY UNABLE TO CEASE DRUMMING

An event which started off as regular live show for the New York band Oneida has spiralled out of control and has the potential to end in tragedy. Oneida regularly perform ‘Ocropolis’ shows - epic improv gigs which last for around twelve hours - both at their Williamsburg rehearsal space and on tour. Now one such ambitious gig, however, has resulted in Oneida’s seemingly eight-armed drum monster Kid Millions becoming trapped within his own rhythm and physically unable to stop drumming. The band were alerted to the catastrophe when organ player Barry London suddenly realised that Millions’ facial gurning no longer expressed the pleasure of being immersed in a krautrock-influenced art-rock jam-throng, but that behind his eyes lay a frighteningly unfamiliar tint of pain and distress. While the rest of the band immediately went to get help (after drawing their parts to a professionally coherent close), Millions’ body continued to pound away at his skins in what has become longest drum solo of all time. Kid Millions has been drumming for ten consecutive days with no sign of cessation or even of slowing down.

Millions’ physical state is said to be under immense strain and discomfort. At first the band struggled to feed him by attempting to hurl sandwiches into his jiggling, gaping mouth at a safe distance from his powerful, floundering arms. Similarly unable to pause his drumming in order to make required trips to the bathroom, Millions soon brought a whole new meaning to the term ‘drum stool’. Doctors have since fitted him with a drip, catheter and colostomy bag, although they are keen to emphasise that this is only a short term method of keeping him stable and that he could still collapse, explode or spontaneously combust at any given moment.

Millions’ condition is recognised in the medical world as Corsano Christitis. Although it is familiar to professional musicians who fear it greatly, it is much rarer than well-known rhythm-related ailments such as Dance Fever, Beatle Mania, and Biggie Smallpox.

In the 1990s, original Pavement drummer Gary Young managed to immunise himself against the condition by spending more time doing acrobatic handstands than actually drumming. While he successfully avoided contracting the illness, his flamboyant antics unfortunately got him fired from the band.

Dave Grohl has such a concern about potential outbreaks of Corsano Christitis that when recording with the Foo Fighters if he even begins to suspect that his drummer might be afflicted, he removes his sticksman from behind the kit by means of a violent kicking motion and takes over the drum part without even missing a beat. Then he overdubs all the rhythm tracks himself just to be on the safe side. Such a response to the condition is not recommended by health experts. Similar to the sudden awaking of sleepwalkers, this extreme approach can induce shock, a heart attack, brain damage, or even plunge the patient into a useless, vegetative state known as ‘full-blown Lars’.

Subtler and safer approaches are highly recommended. In 1975 Genesis managed to coax a sickly Phil Collins from behind his kit simply by getting rid of Peter Gabriel. Ginger Baker can be broken out of a perpetual drum trance by waving a family packet of kettle chips in his general direction, or a massive bag of quality heroin.

The technique with the greatest proven track record of releasing drummers from perpetual beat hypnosis is that trialled by Robert Plant on the patient John Bonham. Trapped in the midst of a fourteen hour version of the Zeppelin track ‘Moby Dick’, Plant accused Bonham of missing a fill. This caused Bonham to stand up, throw his snare at Plant’s head and storm out of the room. Though he called Plant a ‘helium-voiced talentless git’ at the time, he expressed his gratitude at a later date.

While Millions’ medical team have tried a variety of methods to free him from paradiddle hell, none have yet been fruitful.

Unfortunately, Oklahoma life-lovers the Flaming Lips have exacerbated the problem by invading Oneida’s rehearsal space and selfishly attempting to exploit Millions’ dismal condition to their own advantage. They have surrounded his kit with their own equipment and intend to jam with Millions without his consent in order to create a song that will last longer than eternity. The music will be recorded live onto tape by the band’s producer Dave Fridmann and sections of it intermittently released via a series of $10,000 dollar gold encrusted platypus skeletons containing luminous USB sticks which can only be listened to on a bouncy castle.

Even crueller, the Lips have refused to donate any of their profits to Millions’ healthcare, choosing instead to spend the money on obscene amounts of glittery things, a variety of novelty balloon animals and an intergalactic, time-travelling space pod. As he is unfortunate enough to live in a country in which much of the population equates national healthcare with tyrannical Maoism, the Oneida percussionist has accumulated exorbitant medical bills over the course of his ten-day drumathalon. Anyone wishing to make a donation to Kid or his family during this difficult time can do so at www.millionsformillions.net.