PROTESTERS AT GLASTONBURY TO DEMONSTRATE AGAINST U2'S FAILURE TO PAY LARRY

Campaigners at this year’s Glastonbury Festival are planning to stage a demonstration during U2’s headlining set, voicing their opposition to the multimillionaire group’s avoidance of paying Larry Mullen, Jr.

It has recently come to light that since U2’s formation Larry has technically been under contract as an unpaid intern, with limited access to tour catering and a minimal rider allowance. When not on tour, Larry earns a living by giving drum lessons to schoolchildren in Dublin and gigging with U2 tribute band “U2(ii)”.

Campaigners have highlighted U2’s hypocrisy in pretending to care for the developing world, playing numerous high profile benefit gigs such as Live Aid, Live 8 and various other Boomtown Rats shows, and imploring their fans to donate their hard earned cash to good causes, whilst at the same time being so greedy themselves as to not even pay their own drummer. The protesters have promised to stop short of actually disrupting U2’s set, but are determined to make their demonstration highly visible by waving giant banners displaying slogans such as “Bono Pay Larry” and “Make Larry’s Poverty History” and by wearing giant cardboard cut-out masks of a sad-faced Larry with the words “Poor Larry” written across the forehead.

Chastity Goodall, an evangelical Christian, lifelong U2 enthusiast, and member of the Delirious? fan club, said “I love U2 almost as much as I love Our Lord Jesus Christ, but it is appalling that they continue to neglect Larry in this way. Larry is an integral part of the U2 dynamic and he is every bit as important as Bono, The Edge or the other one.” Then she started banging on about the eye of a needle or something.

ALEX TURNER IS THE ONLY MEMBER OF THE ARCTIC MONKEYS I CAN IDENTIFY, SAYS ALEX TURNER

“I can recognise Alex easily,” explained Alex. “He’s the one what sings and goes out with that fit bird Alexa Chung. The other members though… I mean, if the bass player from the Arctic Monkeys were to walk past you in the street, would you know who he was? I wouldn’t.”

Chris Martin suffers from a similar affliction and, as a solution, insists that during rehearsal all the other members of Coldplay must wear brightly coloured name-hats. Martin himself wears an elaborate golden crown which his wife Gwyneth Paltrow claims to have crafted herself but, like her books, didn’t.

TYLER, THE CREATOR CREATES MEDIA FRENZY BY SHOUTING THE WORDS "POO POO" AND "WEE WEE" AT THE TOP OF HIS VOICE

Not since NWA threw plasticine at the blackboard whilst their teacher’s back was turned, or since Eminem cruelly berated his then-wife Kim for being a “smelly smelly bum head”, has an emerging rap talent caused such controversy and media attention.

Tyler, the Creator, whose new record Goblin features regular use of severe expletives such as “poo”, “wee”, “willy”, “guff”, “divvy”, “toilet”, “winky” and even “mega spazz”, is now the subject of massive media attention due to his shocking taboo-busting lyricisms.

Gay rights groups have objected to his use of the terms “gay lord”, “humongous bummer” and “great big queer face” whilst feminist campaigners have denounced his continued insistence that girls whisper and they smell and they don’t like football.

As well as creating much publicity, the shocking language has produced much debate over Tyler’s outlook and intentions in the media and blogosphere. A range of opinions have been expressed on the Guardian newspaper’s message boards, where readers have discussed whether Tyler is a product of the harsh urban reality from which he doesn’t hail, whether his enthusiasm for unsavoury language is an elaborate exercise in post-modern post-PC irony, whether shouting “poo poo” and “wee wee” at the top of his voice is excusable on account of it being even funnier than that time Robert forgot his gym kit and had to do P.E. in his vest and pants, or whether rap music isn’t really of interest to them and they’d much rather listen to that new Kate Bush one.

When asked for a comment on his personal reputation, Tyler said he wasn’t allowed to talk to strangers, promptly kicked a girl he likes on the leg and ran off behind the bike sheds to eat a stolen Curly Wurly.

MARIAH CAREY'S TWINS ALREADY SICK OF MOTHER SHOWING OFF HER VOCAL RANGE

They’ve only been in the world a matter of days, but Mariah Carey’s newborn twins have already expressed their distaste for their ma’s incessant multi-octave warbling.

The good twin, Monroe Angel Fluffybunny Carey, revealed her aversion to her mom’s caterwauling by bursting into tears when Carey self-indulgently played one of her own CDs to the infants almost immediately after labour. Much to her mother’s surprise and concern, Monroe reacts in a similar manner almost every time Mariah plays one of her own records to the babies (which is often).

The evil twin, Moroccan Scott Hero Carey, meanwhile, was so incensed by his exposure to such an appalling noise at such a young, innocent age, that he has miraculously mastered the power of speech simply in order to articulate his outrage. “I mean, her voice is pleasant enough I suppose,” the 0-year old explained, “but why does she perpetually insist on inserting all those extra notes where they are not supposed to be? She even does it during Baa Baa Black Sheep for God’s sake.”

Moroccan then became distracted by a brightly coloured shape, at which he sat staring, blinking for a few minutes, before focusing his attention once more and adding, “And don’t get me started on that ridiculously high-pitched shriek she does at the end of virtually every song. It sounds like a damaged cat having a fisticuffs with a castrated blackboard.”

GLASTONBURY GOERS WELCOME LINE-UP UNLIKELY TO DISTRACT FROM THEIR PRINCIPAL INTENTION OF GETTING SHIT-FACED

photo © 2009 Unofficial Glastonbury Festival more info (via: Wylio)

The full line-up for this year’s Glastonbury Festival was revealed this week, and has so far been enthusiastically praised by the majority of ticket-holders as there remains little danger of the music distracting from their primary concerns of watching jugglers, purchasing amusing headwear, lying facedown in the sun/mud, aimlessly wandering around talking drivel, and getting totally dribble-headed on all manner of legal and illegal herbal and chemical intoxicants.

Cassandra Palmer-Smythe, a student from Tunbridge Wells, tweeted: “Fought there wuz gonna be some propa legends on the bill. Luckily, U2 and Coldplay, innit. More time for ket wiv da boyz. Lol!”

With a line-up which also includes Elbow, Morrissey, Biffy Clyro, Mumford & Sons, Glasvegas, and Kaiser Chiefs, festival-goers have been relieved to know that there is very little reason to visit the major stages at all, and that they can simply relax and enjoy themselves safe in the knowledge that they will not be missing anything of any consequence or substance whatsoever.

Jasper Carter-Floyd, a marketing executive from Oxford who has been attending the festival since his teens, blogged: “Man, I remember when they used to have half-decent acts on. It was really rather dreadful. One year I spent two hours completely sober because I’d left some stuff back at Daddy’s camper van and couldn’t drag myself away from The Cure. Won’t have that trouble this year. Going to get really, really blathered.”

Organiser Emily Eavis emphasized that polls had proven that attendees had more fun when the acts booked were little more than background noise, even if this meant, paradoxically, spending more money on the headliners. Not all the bands which will be performing this year are completely mind-numbingly boring, but those which might excite have been kept to a bare minimum, whilst two of those acts, the Wu-Tang Clan and Beyoncé, are of African-American descent. They are thus unlikely to attract the attention of a large number of the festival goers, many of whom are, as proven by the controversy of Jay-Z’s headlining slot in 2008, massively intolerant hip-hop-hating racists.

Timothy “Peace Dragon” Dewhurst, a hippy who has been attending the festival religiously since its inception in the ‘70s, did not choose to announce his thoughts on the line-up via the medium of Twitter, instead choosing to stroll into Bristol city centre wearing a wizard’s hat and a glittery cape and announcing through a handmade cardboard loudhailer: “It used to be about the music maaan. Music and love. Love and music. You, me, the pagan brethren. I mean… for a start, where the hell are Hawkwind?”

When asked if he would be boycotting the festival, Mr. Dewhurst confirmed that he was still looking forward to The Crazy World of Arthur Brown on the Friday.

TORY PARTY COMMITS SUICIDE FOLLOWING INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP WITH COURTNEY LOVE

photo © 2010 rufus more info (via: Wylio) The dead body of the Conservative Party has been discovered, a few days after having committed suicide. The party’s difficulties had been widely reported, and this was not the first instance of the government attempting such an act. The Conservatives were known to have been struggling with depression for some time, and found trouble dealing with their new-found fame and fortune following their successful 2010 election campaign.

Courtney Love, rock-star lover and confidante of the party, had hired private investigators when the Conservatives went missing following the delivery of Chancellor George Osborne’s budget on 23 March, 2011. Love’s relationship with the Tories had become increasingly intimate of late. As well as dating the art-dealing heir to the Baron Hindlip peerage, Henry Allsopp, last year she attended a debate organized by Oxford University’s Conservative Association, and was subsequently awarded the post of “non-executive officer for rock ‘n’ roll”, whilst her tweets have included such naïve, ill-informed, and cloud-headed slogans such as “TORY NOW”.

Party leader and Prime Minister David Cameron was found by a maintenance man in one of the rooms of his 10 Downing Street home, a shotgun resting on his chest with which he had shot himself in his smooth, rubbery face. A suicide note was found nearby in which Cameron lamented his loss of enthusiasm for the world of politics:

For example, we’re backstage at the party conference and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowd begins. It doesn’t affect me in way in which it did for, say, John Major, who seemed to relish in the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn’t fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun…

Cameron had been listening to the latest album by REM.

Next door, Osborne’s body was discovered, the Chancellor having overdosed on an excessive cocktail of champagne, Rohypnol, and caviar. He was rushed to hospital, but medics were unable to revive the helmet-conked smarm-bucket.

Michael Gove, meanwhile, arranged a tragic suicide pact with Boris Johnson, in which the weasel-shaped Education Secretary strapped explosives to his body and commanded the fluff-headed Mayor of London to give him a croggy on his right-wing bicycle straight into a struggling South London comprehensive, before blowing the building, and themselves, sky high.

Many other Conservative MPs (too many to mention individually) have been found dead the length and breadth of the country, though mostly in the southern part of the land. The body of Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg was also discovered, though as he was not officially a Conservative the incident is thought to be a copycat suicide.

Conspiracy theorists have suggested that the death may in fact have been murder, that Love herself is directly involved, and that the obliteration of the Conservatives had been her plan all along. When pushed, however, most admitted that Courtney possessed neither the brains nor the tact to pull off such a remarkable feat.

Tributes to the Conservatives have been taking place worldwide, with fans gathering in their hundreds to commemorate their idols by burning candles, reciting the words of Cameron’s best-loved speeches, murdering foxes, mugging the poor, needy and ill-bodied, and offering sycophantic fellatio to workers from the banking sector.

LADY GAGA TO DIVORCE SEAN PENN

Lady Gaga has announced she is to divorce the movie star Sean Penn, claiming the split to be amicable. The apparent “Queen of Pop”, who is of Italian descent and emerged from the New York club scene, has become a global superstar in recent years by peddling catchy synth-pop hits whilst flirting publicly with bisexuality, appropriating ideas from the underground gay scene, making numerous outrageous fashion statements, and embracing taboo subjects and provocative imagery in her lyrics, videos and concerts (sadomasochism, same-sex kissing and brief nudity have all been employed, and Catholic imagery has been adopted and exploited, leading to accusations of blasphemy). Hailed by some as an embodiment of female empowerment, others see her as a cynical opportunist who will stop at nothing to inflate her personal fame and fortune.

Sean Penn is said to have become bemused as well as irritated when an interviewer raised the touchy subject with him; the actor then quickly steered the conversation back to his latest film project and his extensive political and social charity work. Gaga’s personal life has been the subject of much speculation since she announced the split, and rumours have been rife. Consequently, both Dennis Rodman and Guy Ritchie are said to be troubled by the news, whilst Warren Beatty has already filed a preemptive restraining order.


“Hegel remarks somewhere that all facts and personages of great importance in world history occur, as it were, twice. He forgot to add: the first time as tragedy, the second as farce.”
Karl Marx, The Eighteenth Brumaire of Louis Bonaparte