Must-See Rock Operas 2015

Courtney Love has just received her warmest reviews in about 15 years for her role in the experimental opera Kansas City Choir Boy. The New York Times praised Love’s “bewitching presence”, Rolling Stone deemed the opera “slyly punk rock” and Billboard Magazine called it “much better than you would expect”. As a consequence, every other washed-up pop-star of yesteryear is now jumping on the operatic bandwagon. Here are Spinal Bap’s pick of the many other operas currently in production: (they mainly involve prostitutes and death but that’s high-art for you)

Madama Butterflea
While on vacation from rap-funk group the Red Hot Chili Peppers, bassist Flea moves to Japan, finding temporary work as a male geisha. During this time, he falls madly in love with naval officer Lieutenant Pinkerton, played by Rivers Cuomo from Weezer. Pinkerton sets sail again, returning three years later with the demo tapes for the new Chilis album. They sound so bad that Flea pierces his own neck with the nearest drumstick, bleeding to death as the backing chorus sings a poignant rendition of Suck My Kiss.

Carmen Chameleon
Boy George plays a gypsy prostitute who enchants the local soldiers with his garish make-up and big hat. After a passionate affair with a Spanish military drummer named Don Moss, the Carmen Chameleon decides a career change is in order, becoming a DJ and then a bullfighter. “Do you really want to hurt me?” George sings to the furious, snorting bull. The bull does really want to hurt him after all. It charges, killing Boy George and sending his big hat tumbling to the ground. The bull is cheered by Morrissey.

La Travis-ata
Fran Healy falls in love with a Parisian prostitute. She ignores his warnings that it’s always raining on him, gets drenched when they embrace, contracts a severe case of the indie-sniffles and sadly dies. Unable to bear the pain, Healy beats himself to death with a soggy piece of drift wood.

Lemmyserables 
Escaping the clutches of the evil Hawkwind, Lemmy attempts to begin a new life as a prostitute, finding little work on account of his body odour and facial warts. He is offered the chance to sell his own hair but as that would impede head-banging he instead forms Motorhead. During one European tour, Lemmy considers aiding a group of young, idealistic revolutionaries in overthrowing the French government, resolving that his time would be far better spent drinking, snorting, gambling, fornicating and amassing a dubiously large collection of Nazi memorabilia. No tragic ending this time as Lemmy is indestructible.

KIM GORDON AND THURSTON MOORE YET TO CONFIRM WHO WILL TAKE CUSTODY OF J MASCIS

In the wake of Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore’s separation not only is the question of Sonic Youth’s future in doubt, it remains similarly unclear who will be granted custody of J Mascis.

Kim and Thurston first took Mascis under their wing back in 1986 when Sonic Youth invited Dinosaur Jr to support them for a two-week college tour and have looked after the long-haired troubadour ever since, but is it now uncertain whether custody will be given to Kim, Thurston, or some other third party. Mascis requires much care and attention; he suffers from catatonic lethargy, underdeveloped social skills, and is susceptible to panic attacks when deprived of the colour purple.

There has been some concern over the affect the split is having on J’s behaviour. Kim and Thurston broke the news to J together and in a sensitive manner, making it clear that it wasn’t his fault and that they both still loved him very much and they would both still see him all the time. He has, however, become very withdrawn and solitary, retreating to his bedroom to play excessively loud guitar and communicating only through incoherent mumbles. Photogenic television psychologist Dr. Linda Papadapasnuffleupagus confirmed this was normal behaviour for individuals who are having to cope with a separation, although it is less typical in 45 year olds.

Lou Barlow has enthusiastically volunteered to take custody, always willing to elevate his and J’s father/son homoerotic incestuous sibling passive-aggressive dysfunctional relationship to new heights of weird. When approached with the idea, J’s noncommittal shrug was interpreted by Lou as a categorical “No” causing him to immediately descend to his basement to record yet another soul-searching lo-fi tune documenting his feelings of inadequacy and rejection.

Courtney Love has also kindly offered to adopt Mascis. Her calls have not been returned.

TORY PARTY COMMITS SUICIDE FOLLOWING INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP WITH COURTNEY LOVE

photo © 2010 rufus more info (via: Wylio) The dead body of the Conservative Party has been discovered, a few days after having committed suicide. The party’s difficulties had been widely reported, and this was not the first instance of the government attempting such an act. The Conservatives were known to have been struggling with depression for some time, and found trouble dealing with their new-found fame and fortune following their successful 2010 election campaign.

Courtney Love, rock-star lover and confidante of the party, had hired private investigators when the Conservatives went missing following the delivery of Chancellor George Osborne’s budget on 23 March, 2011. Love’s relationship with the Tories had become increasingly intimate of late. As well as dating the art-dealing heir to the Baron Hindlip peerage, Henry Allsopp, last year she attended a debate organized by Oxford University’s Conservative Association, and was subsequently awarded the post of “non-executive officer for rock ‘n’ roll”, whilst her tweets have included such naïve, ill-informed, and cloud-headed slogans such as “TORY NOW”.

Party leader and Prime Minister David Cameron was found by a maintenance man in one of the rooms of his 10 Downing Street home, a shotgun resting on his chest with which he had shot himself in his smooth, rubbery face. A suicide note was found nearby in which Cameron lamented his loss of enthusiasm for the world of politics:

For example, we’re backstage at the party conference and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowd begins. It doesn’t affect me in way in which it did for, say, John Major, who seemed to relish in the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn’t fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun…

Cameron had been listening to the latest album by REM.

Next door, Osborne’s body was discovered, the Chancellor having overdosed on an excessive cocktail of champagne, Rohypnol, and caviar. He was rushed to hospital, but medics were unable to revive the helmet-conked smarm-bucket.

Michael Gove, meanwhile, arranged a tragic suicide pact with Boris Johnson, in which the weasel-shaped Education Secretary strapped explosives to his body and commanded the fluff-headed Mayor of London to give him a croggy on his right-wing bicycle straight into a struggling South London comprehensive, before blowing the building, and themselves, sky high.

Many other Conservative MPs (too many to mention individually) have been found dead the length and breadth of the country, though mostly in the southern part of the land. The body of Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg was also discovered, though as he was not officially a Conservative the incident is thought to be a copycat suicide.

Conspiracy theorists have suggested that the death may in fact have been murder, that Love herself is directly involved, and that the obliteration of the Conservatives had been her plan all along. When pushed, however, most admitted that Courtney possessed neither the brains nor the tact to pull off such a remarkable feat.

Tributes to the Conservatives have been taking place worldwide, with fans gathering in their hundreds to commemorate their idols by burning candles, reciting the words of Cameron’s best-loved speeches, murdering foxes, mugging the poor, needy and ill-bodied, and offering sycophantic fellatio to workers from the banking sector.