KIM GORDON AND THURSTON MOORE YET TO CONFIRM WHO WILL TAKE CUSTODY OF J MASCIS

In the wake of Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore’s separation not only is the question of Sonic Youth’s future in doubt, it remains similarly unclear who will be granted custody of J Mascis.

Kim and Thurston first took Mascis under their wing back in 1986 when Sonic Youth invited Dinosaur Jr to support them for a two-week college tour and have looked after the long-haired troubadour ever since, but is it now uncertain whether custody will be given to Kim, Thurston, or some other third party. Mascis requires much care and attention; he suffers from catatonic lethargy, underdeveloped social skills, and is susceptible to panic attacks when deprived of the colour purple.

There has been some concern over the affect the split is having on J’s behaviour. Kim and Thurston broke the news to J together and in a sensitive manner, making it clear that it wasn’t his fault and that they both still loved him very much and they would both still see him all the time. He has, however, become very withdrawn and solitary, retreating to his bedroom to play excessively loud guitar and communicating only through incoherent mumbles. Photogenic television psychologist Dr. Linda Papadapasnuffleupagus confirmed this was normal behaviour for individuals who are having to cope with a separation, although it is less typical in 45 year olds.

Lou Barlow has enthusiastically volunteered to take custody, always willing to elevate his and J’s father/son homoerotic incestuous sibling passive-aggressive dysfunctional relationship to new heights of weird. When approached with the idea, J’s noncommittal shrug was interpreted by Lou as a categorical “No” causing him to immediately descend to his basement to record yet another soul-searching lo-fi tune documenting his feelings of inadequacy and rejection.

Courtney Love has also kindly offered to adopt Mascis. Her calls have not been returned.

ITV ANNOUNCES LAUNCH OF PRIMETIME 'NOISE IDOL'

Noise music’s popularity has been steadily growing in recent years, with increased press exposure, specialist noise festivals springing up worldwide, a bigger presence at cross-genre festivals, and the endorsement and patronage of influential musicians such as Thurston Moore. And now it looks set to finally hit the mainstream, with the announcement of ITV1’s new Saturday night reality series Noise Idol.

The show, which is masterminded by executive producers Simon Cowell, Simon Fuller, and Tommy Keränen from Testicle Hazard, hopes to discover the next British Noise superstar, by auditioning hundreds of budding amateur glitch/drone/feedback artists. In front of a panel of celebrity judges, the contestants will be given the once in a lifetime opportunity to show off their din-making skills by performing either a self-penned composition or improvisation, or a cover version selected from a list of classic Noise hits, including Merzbow’s Degradation of Tapes, Wolf Eyes’ Stabbed in the Face, Whitehouse’s Wriggle Like a Fucking Eel, and Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music (Side 4).

On the judging panel will sit No Fun Productions’ Carlos Giffoni, L.A. serial noise collaborator John Wiese, French “harsh wall noise” artist Romain Perrot (aka Vomir), and Britain’s Got Talent’s Amanda Holden. Vomir, who is known for always performing with a bin-bag over his head in order to shut out any distraction (many of his fans do the same), will persist in donning the bag for the filming of the show, and yet will still manage to look less plastic than Holden, with her nauseatingly botoxed face, and dead, dead eyes.

An ITV press insider explained that, although Holden may not be a qualified expert on the Noise genre, she had managed to judge Britain’s Got Talent to great success despite the impingement of having none whatsoever herself. They added that ITV’s ratings were guaranteed to go through the roof every time she forced melodramatic tears down her pretend cheeks, and that, during the pilot, she cried for virtually the entire duration of Sheila from Glasgow’s forty-seven minute repetitive-scrape-jam rendition of Crowning the Fur Purse by Prick Decay.

As is customary, ITV3 will broadcast a sister show directly following the main programme. “Noise Idol Xtra” will discuss each week’s performances and results, victors and evictees, with special celebrity guests, and will be co-hosted by Konnie Huq from Blue Peter and the man from The Haters who always wears some sort of leather gimp mask. "Well, at least it's not Adrian Chiles," joked Huq.

SONIC YOUTH FAN PRETENDS TO ENJOY LATEST THURSTON MOORE SOLO SEVEN-INCH

A Sonic Youth fan confounded his friends yesterday by claiming to enjoy the latest Thurston Moore solo seven-inch. ‘Amplifier’s Lament’, on the Not Very Important independent label, features two sides of nothing but squealing feedback and a looped sample of metal drum stands being scraped across a blackboard, to the non-rhythmical backing track of a home recording of Kim Gordon assembling a flatpack Ikea double wardrobe without the aid of tools save for an amputated piano leg. The sleeve to the record features imitation abstract art and boasts “Dedicated to Stockhausen and Kerouac” in attempt to ascribe the indulgent mess an element of gravitas.

Upon receiving the seven-inch in the post, which had been mail-ordered from online record store www.esotericool.com (“for music more outside than Captain Oates”), the fan slipped the record out of its sub-Joan Miró sleeve, placed it daintily upon his gramophone, lowered the needle carefully, sat down, folded his legs, gazed upwards towards the ceiling, and arrogantly proceeded to nod along to a rhythm that didn’t exist whilst stroking his bearded chin as if appreciating the unholy racket being shat into his ears on a level quite unattainable to normal people. When pressed by his friends on what exactly they were missing, the fan mumbled his meaningless stock phrases of “avant minimalism”, “post-noise experimentation”, “Steve Reich-isms”, and “taking rock to its logical conclusion”. The friends remained unconvinced, leaving him to enjoy the cacophony alone as they departed to attend a Fleet Foxes concert with some girls.

After they had gone, the fan gave the record a couple more spins before logging onto the internet to see if the latest proper Sonic Youth LP was available for preorder yet from the Matador website, secretly anticipating the prospect of listening to something with comprehensible lyrics, conventional rhythms, pop sensibilities, vocal melodies, and some actual bloody music on it.