CATHOLIC CHURCH IN SHOCK AS MIKE CONNELLY QUITS WOLF EYES

The Roman Catholic Church was thrown into disarray this week when it emerged that Mike Connelly was leaving the legendary Michigan noise group Wolf Eyes.

Although it is unusual for somebody to relinquish such a distinguished post, Connelly’s move is not without precedent. In 2005, Aaron Dilloway stepped down as the band’s guitarist to relocate to Nepal, whereas original Wolf Eyes drummer Pope Gregory XII resigned in July 1415 in order to end the Western Schism that had divided the Catholic Church for nearly forty years (although he also cited “musical differences”).

Connelly has proven popular with traditional Catholics but his reign has not lacked controversy. His first Wolf Eyes appearance was on Human Animal, released in 2006 by the relatively mainstream label Sub Pop. The record polarized fans with its opening side of uncharacteristically restrained music. Other critics felt that Connelly failed to use his influential position as a prominent member of Wolf Eyes to properly address the ongoing Roman Catholic child-abuse scandal.

Connelly’s departure has proven particularly traumatic to the young and teenage girls who make up the bulk of Wolf Eyes’ fanbase. In the UK, the Samaritans have even set up a special hotline for distraught fans.

Writing on the band’s Facebook page, one anguished Catholic wrote: “I haven’t been this distressed since I found out that Robbie had left Take That. Or that Stephen Gately was gay. Or that Mariah Carey was black. I’ve been a Wolf Eyes superfan for years. I’ve got an original copy of the Throat Virus Alive CD-R and I first saw them perform back in 1999, supporting Backstreet Boys at the MEN Arena. I realise that Mike will still be touring and releasing music with his other projects like Hair Police and Failing Lights, but they simply don’t match the aural splendour of Wolf Eyes. I mean, they just sound like noise to me.”

The Catholic Church is expected to announce Connelly’s successor shortly, with many predicting the appointment of Cardinal “Crazy” Jim Baljo.

ITV ANNOUNCES LAUNCH OF PRIMETIME 'NOISE IDOL'

Noise music’s popularity has been steadily growing in recent years, with increased press exposure, specialist noise festivals springing up worldwide, a bigger presence at cross-genre festivals, and the endorsement and patronage of influential musicians such as Thurston Moore. And now it looks set to finally hit the mainstream, with the announcement of ITV1’s new Saturday night reality series Noise Idol.

The show, which is masterminded by executive producers Simon Cowell, Simon Fuller, and Tommy Keränen from Testicle Hazard, hopes to discover the next British Noise superstar, by auditioning hundreds of budding amateur glitch/drone/feedback artists. In front of a panel of celebrity judges, the contestants will be given the once in a lifetime opportunity to show off their din-making skills by performing either a self-penned composition or improvisation, or a cover version selected from a list of classic Noise hits, including Merzbow’s Degradation of Tapes, Wolf Eyes’ Stabbed in the Face, Whitehouse’s Wriggle Like a Fucking Eel, and Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music (Side 4).

On the judging panel will sit No Fun Productions’ Carlos Giffoni, L.A. serial noise collaborator John Wiese, French “harsh wall noise” artist Romain Perrot (aka Vomir), and Britain’s Got Talent’s Amanda Holden. Vomir, who is known for always performing with a bin-bag over his head in order to shut out any distraction (many of his fans do the same), will persist in donning the bag for the filming of the show, and yet will still manage to look less plastic than Holden, with her nauseatingly botoxed face, and dead, dead eyes.

An ITV press insider explained that, although Holden may not be a qualified expert on the Noise genre, she had managed to judge Britain’s Got Talent to great success despite the impingement of having none whatsoever herself. They added that ITV’s ratings were guaranteed to go through the roof every time she forced melodramatic tears down her pretend cheeks, and that, during the pilot, she cried for virtually the entire duration of Sheila from Glasgow’s forty-seven minute repetitive-scrape-jam rendition of Crowning the Fur Purse by Prick Decay.

As is customary, ITV3 will broadcast a sister show directly following the main programme. “Noise Idol Xtra” will discuss each week’s performances and results, victors and evictees, with special celebrity guests, and will be co-hosted by Konnie Huq from Blue Peter and the man from The Haters who always wears some sort of leather gimp mask. "Well, at least it's not Adrian Chiles," joked Huq.