NEW MUSE SINGLE "A BIT OVER THE TOP FOR ME" SAYS LOUIS XIV OF FRANCE

Louis XIV of France has criticised the new single by prog-pop group Muse, calling the track “a bit over the top for my tastes”. Wearing a bejewelled crown, a bejewelled necklace, and brandishing a sceptre covered in jewels, ‘Le Roi Soleil’ complained that Muse’s mixture of operatic vocals, symphonic strings, big derivative guitar riffs, and meaninglessly sloganeering lyrics was “like being bludgeoned by bombastic obviousness” while holding court at his palace in Versailles beside a portrait of himself riding a horse, surrounded by angels.

An avid connoisseur of high art and music, The Sun King added that singer Matt Bellamy was “like Freddie Mercury without the subtlety”. When pressed further on the issue of Queen, Louis got a little confused and began singing the praises of Maria Theresa of Spain - but then he is 373 years old, bless him.

The single ‘Survival’ has been selected as the Official Anthem of the London 2012 Olympics by the artistic director of the Games, Danny Boyle. Louis XIV confirmed he still owns a VHS copy of the film Trainspotting, but confessed that he hadn’t really followed Boyle’s later work. He also expressed concern that while the ostentatious ceremony and patriotic pomp of events like the Olympics and the Jubilee might be employed as a useful short-term propagandist distraction from Britain’s social and economic difficulties, such shallow and opportunistic political ploys may lead to greater problems further down the line.

THE SPECTACULAR ADVENTURES OF STARS OF THE LID: Episode 2 'Ambient Club'

FEARNE COTTON'S RECORD COLLECTION GOES ONLINE

The record collection of legendary disc jockey Fearne Cotton is now available online. Uploaded by ‘The Void’, an Arts Council funded pop-up site, from today music fans will be able to browse Cotton’s overwhelming collection of over seven records.

“There’ll be information about the record sleeve, all the information about the record itself, as well as whether Fearne rated the album or not,” explained Cotton’s widow Keith Lemon. Cotton famously employed a meticulous 5-star rating system for each piece of music she bought or received. Fearne awarded every item in the collection the full 5 stars, accompanied by additional superlatives such as “mega”, “massive”, “most awesomest ever”, “cool” and “really, really cool”, suggesting that her critical faculties may have been damaged in childhood.

The virtual museum includes such rare curiosities as a first pressing of Mis-Teeq’s 2004 hit ‘Scandalous’, a Foo Fighters greatest hits compilation, and some stuff by The Kooks. It’s not all obscurities though, as the trend-setting DJ also found room for plenty of U2 and Coldplay.

Many of the items have had to be professionally cleaned and restored after suffering significant physical damage from the bestial drool and other bodily products expelled by Cotton’s simian colleague Chris Moyles.

Besides the details of her records, the electronic archive also includes Cotton’s hand-written preparation notes for her ITV2 television vehicle ‘Fearne And…’ Intended for celebrities such as Peaches Geldof, Paris Hilton, and Craig David, a list of hard-hitting, penetrative questions such as “How many shoes do you own?”, “What’s it like being so famous?” and “Can I touch your hair?” can be viewed in their original form, written in blue crayon on the back of some SpongeBob toilet roll.

Cotton died in 2011 after almost ten years at the BBC. She was 65 years old.

THE SPECTACULAR ADVENTURES OF STARS OF THE LID: Episode 1

PRIMAVERA TO CURATE PITCHFORK STAGE AT ATP CURATED BY BONNAROO

Primavera are to curate this year’s Pitchfork Stage at the All Tomorrow’s Parties festival curated by Bonnaroo. The event will take place in December 2012 or possibly March 2013, in either Minehead, New Jersey or Japan.

Confirmed line-up:
Mogwai, Joanna Newsom, Animal Collective, Panda Bear, Avey Tare, The National, Low, Retribution Gospel Choir, Atlas Sound, Deerhunter, Deerhoof, The Dears, The Antlers, Crystal Antlers, Caribou, Shellac, Battles, Dirty Three, Dinosaur Jr, Sebadoh, Sentridoh, Lou Barlow, The Folk Implosion, Moon Duo, Wooden Shjips, Tindersticks, Jeffrey Lewis & the Novelty Wore Offs, Sleep, Om, Grails, Oneida & Boredoms present the ‘Drums, Drums & More Bloody Drums 36-Hour Drum Extravaganza’, Spiritualized, Best Coast, Real Estate, Ducktails, [insert recently reformed cult ‘80s/‘90s/‘00s indie band here], Melvins, Fleet Foxes, Yo La Tengo, Wilco, a couple of jazz things and a rapper.

There will also be an exciting new contemporary art installation by Turner Prize award winner Martin Creed during which he will put a small thing on top of a larger thing and then sing a song about it in a sub-Fall style.

The Magnetic Fields will not be appearing.

Dress-code is ‘Beards’.

Talking over the bands using hipster slang with the emphasis in the wrong part of the sentence will be actively encouraged.

No food or drink to be brought into the venue. Please eat our hotdogs.

HOUSTON FUNERAL TO BE BILLED AS "THE OPPORTUNISTIC MULTI-OCTAVE CELEBRITY CHALLENGE"

Insincere and limelight-demanding tributes are lined up from Christina Aguilera, Mariah Carey, and numerous other tune-strangling divas in what promoters are describing as “like Etta James’ wake turned up to eleven!”

Not only will the event help relieve the pain of this great loss but by the time headliner Aguilera throws herself into the key change of “I Will Always Love You”, you’ll have completely forgotten who Whitney Houston was in the first place.

MUSICAL BASED ON MELVINS SONGS PROVES SURPRISE BROADWAY HIT

A new musical theatre production centred around songs written by Washington sludge-rock grunge godfathers Melvins has proved astonishingly successful on Broadway, smashing box office records, impressing the critics, and earning a string of nominations for several prestigious awards.

A History of Bad Men was co-written by Buzz Osborne, Dale Crover, and Sir Timothy Rice. The musical is set several years in the future, in a vaguely Orwellian world known as Dog Island, where instruments are forbidden and aspiring musicians are encouraged to get boob jobs and become actresses. The planet is ruled by an evil queen - the Stoner Witch - who asserted her dictatorship after her husband, the king, took his own life. A group of rebels known as the Civilised Worms have been circulating rumours that the Stoner Witch orchestrated the king’s death herself, although their evidence is flimsy at best. In response to the accusations, the Stoner Witch falsely accuses an innocent bystander named Melvin of having tried to inject her husband with a drug overdose and has him incarcerated in a vast filthy prison.

The heroine is a character by the name of Lizzy, also known as the Magic Pig Detective. She is a plucky guitarist who wishes to form her own band and achieve fame without the humiliation of having to flash her breasts or sleep with Billy Corgan, Evan Dando, or TV’s Alan Partridge. Before she can rouse the rebel forces and overthrow the wicked queen however, Lizzy must first determine who is her real father. After discovering her mother’s diary in a piece of moon pie, she narrows her potential Pa down to three possible candidates: it is either Boris, Billy Fish, or the Bloated Pope. After several superfluous renditions of various Melvins tracks, Lizzy decides that it doesn’t really matter who is her biological father as they are all great people, apart from the Bloated Pope who she murders by feeding him to the Night Goat.

Boris, Billy Fish, and Lizzy then ride nude in boots on the back of a talking horse to the Stoner Witch’s Los Angeles palace. Enlisting the help of the Civilised Worms, they overthrow the evil queen by poisoning her with a hog leg, which transforms her into a harmless rat faced granny. With the evil queen defeated, everyone is at liberty to play music once more, Melvin is released from jail, and the production ends with a triumphant performance of ‘Anal Satan’.

A History of Bad Men has received glowing reviews from the international press, attracting praise such as: “audaciously sublime” (The New Yorker), “super awesome” (Rolling Stone), “skull-smashingly mammoth” (Rock-A-Rolla magazine) and “a simultaneously sincere yet ironic experimental discourse on our collective yearning for post-hypnagogic nostalgia and a great night out for all the family” (The Wire).

The producers are planning to bring the show to London’s West End by the end of 2012, where the role of Lizzy will be played by Lily Allen, Minnie Driver has been cast as the Stoner Witch, and the role of Boris has been offered to a confused but amiable Jimmy Osmond.