DAVID DIMBLEBY JOINS SEX PISTOLS

Following the appearance of Johnny Rotten on BBC1’s Question Time, David Dimbleby has agreed to join a reformed line-up of legendary punk rockers the Sex Pistols.

Rotten has always admired Dimbleby’s uncompromising role as an impartial mediator of discussion, and encouraged the veteran political commentator to join the band after admitting that his heart wasn’t truly in butter marketing.

The audience at last night’s concert at the Hammersmith Apollo were surprised to discover that the new Sex Pistols line-up included a panel of John Prescott (drums), Baroness Warsi (lead guitar), Will Self (in a sort of Bez role), and some Liberal Democrat.

There are fears that this new approach to performance may compromise the Pistols’ reputation for confrontational live shows, with one audience member complaining that “Personally I found the lengthy discussion of contemporary politico-social issues rather repulsive. We were meant to be furiously wallowing in a nostalgic reverie to our long departed past, not considering the potential merits of a House of Lords reform.”

Dimbleby first met Rotten in Vivienne Westwood’s SEX shop in 1975. He was a founding member of the Sex Pistols and contributed to numerous early recordings before being replaced by Sid Vicious in February 1977.

JOHN ENTWISTLE NAMED NEXT BBC DIRECTOR GENERAL

John Entwistle will be the next Director General of the BBC, it has been announced. Described as “a safe pair of hands”, the ex-Who bassist rose to rock stardom before dying of a cocaine-induced heart attack after a night with groupie stripper in 2002.

Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt has voiced his approval of the appointment, saying, “He is someone who is hugely respected throughout the organisation, and outside the organisation. And naturally I am a huge fan of ‘Boris the Spider’”.

A tough challenge even for the living, Entwistle will face the tricky balancing act of attempting to please newspaper critics with serious and original broadcasting while also satisfying millions of licence-fee payers who demand entertainment and sport which the corporation will struggle to deliver thanks to reduced funding and digital competitors.

In summary, expect even more Pete Townshend documentaries on BBC4.

NEW MUSE SINGLE "A BIT OVER THE TOP FOR ME" SAYS LOUIS XIV OF FRANCE

Louis XIV of France has criticised the new single by prog-pop group Muse, calling the track “a bit over the top for my tastes”. Wearing a bejewelled crown, a bejewelled necklace, and brandishing a sceptre covered in jewels, ‘Le Roi Soleil’ complained that Muse’s mixture of operatic vocals, symphonic strings, big derivative guitar riffs, and meaninglessly sloganeering lyrics was “like being bludgeoned by bombastic obviousness” while holding court at his palace in Versailles beside a portrait of himself riding a horse, surrounded by angels.

An avid connoisseur of high art and music, The Sun King added that singer Matt Bellamy was “like Freddie Mercury without the subtlety”. When pressed further on the issue of Queen, Louis got a little confused and began singing the praises of Maria Theresa of Spain - but then he is 373 years old, bless him.

The single ‘Survival’ has been selected as the Official Anthem of the London 2012 Olympics by the artistic director of the Games, Danny Boyle. Louis XIV confirmed he still owns a VHS copy of the film Trainspotting, but confessed that he hadn’t really followed Boyle’s later work. He also expressed concern that while the ostentatious ceremony and patriotic pomp of events like the Olympics and the Jubilee might be employed as a useful short-term propagandist distraction from Britain’s social and economic difficulties, such shallow and opportunistic political ploys may lead to greater problems further down the line.

THE SPECTACULAR ADVENTURES OF STARS OF THE LID: Episode 2 'Ambient Club'

FEARNE COTTON'S RECORD COLLECTION GOES ONLINE

The record collection of legendary disc jockey Fearne Cotton is now available online. Uploaded by ‘The Void’, an Arts Council funded pop-up site, from today music fans will be able to browse Cotton’s overwhelming collection of over seven records.

“There’ll be information about the record sleeve, all the information about the record itself, as well as whether Fearne rated the album or not,” explained Cotton’s widow Keith Lemon. Cotton famously employed a meticulous 5-star rating system for each piece of music she bought or received. Fearne awarded every item in the collection the full 5 stars, accompanied by additional superlatives such as “mega”, “massive”, “most awesomest ever”, “cool” and “really, really cool”, suggesting that her critical faculties may have been damaged in childhood.

The virtual museum includes such rare curiosities as a first pressing of Mis-Teeq’s 2004 hit ‘Scandalous’, a Foo Fighters greatest hits compilation, and some stuff by The Kooks. It’s not all obscurities though, as the trend-setting DJ also found room for plenty of U2 and Coldplay.

Many of the items have had to be professionally cleaned and restored after suffering significant physical damage from the bestial drool and other bodily products expelled by Cotton’s simian colleague Chris Moyles.

Besides the details of her records, the electronic archive also includes Cotton’s hand-written preparation notes for her ITV2 television vehicle ‘Fearne And…’ Intended for celebrities such as Peaches Geldof, Paris Hilton, and Craig David, a list of hard-hitting, penetrative questions such as “How many shoes do you own?”, “What’s it like being so famous?” and “Can I touch your hair?” can be viewed in their original form, written in blue crayon on the back of some SpongeBob toilet roll.

Cotton died in 2011 after almost ten years at the BBC. She was 65 years old.

THE SPECTACULAR ADVENTURES OF STARS OF THE LID: Episode 1

PRIMAVERA TO CURATE PITCHFORK STAGE AT ATP CURATED BY BONNAROO

Primavera are to curate this year’s Pitchfork Stage at the All Tomorrow’s Parties festival curated by Bonnaroo. The event will take place in December 2012 or possibly March 2013, in either Minehead, New Jersey or Japan.

Confirmed line-up:
Mogwai, Joanna Newsom, Animal Collective, Panda Bear, Avey Tare, The National, Low, Retribution Gospel Choir, Atlas Sound, Deerhunter, Deerhoof, The Dears, The Antlers, Crystal Antlers, Caribou, Shellac, Battles, Dirty Three, Dinosaur Jr, Sebadoh, Sentridoh, Lou Barlow, The Folk Implosion, Moon Duo, Wooden Shjips, Tindersticks, Jeffrey Lewis & the Novelty Wore Offs, Sleep, Om, Grails, Oneida & Boredoms present the ‘Drums, Drums & More Bloody Drums 36-Hour Drum Extravaganza’, Spiritualized, Best Coast, Real Estate, Ducktails, [insert recently reformed cult ‘80s/‘90s/‘00s indie band here], Melvins, Fleet Foxes, Yo La Tengo, Wilco, a couple of jazz things and a rapper.

There will also be an exciting new contemporary art installation by Turner Prize award winner Martin Creed during which he will put a small thing on top of a larger thing and then sing a song about it in a sub-Fall style.

The Magnetic Fields will not be appearing.

Dress-code is ‘Beards’.

Talking over the bands using hipster slang with the emphasis in the wrong part of the sentence will be actively encouraged.

No food or drink to be brought into the venue. Please eat our hotdogs.