WORLD EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH KURT COBAIN

Last Christmas, my goth cousin who makes biannual trips to Dracula’s adoptive home of Whitby and has several Cradle of Filth tattoos bought me a Ouija board. Being more of a grunge kid, I never thought I’d have much use for it. Then I heard that Kurt Cobain was releasing a new solo album so I thought I’d try to get in touch. There were a few early hiccups when I released a couple of Cenobites into our dimension and opened a Hellmouth or two. Finally, I made contact:

Wow. Is this really Kurt D. Cobain?

Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Here we are now, etc.

So, are you in heaven or, erm, elsewhere?

I may be heavier than heaven but that’s where I am. It’s great here, actually. They’ve got all the warm milk and laxatives you could ever want. I much prefer it to earth. Apart from when two-thirds of the Bee Gees try to instigate an impromptu jam session. Then I say I’m suffering from terrible stomach pains and have to go and lie down.

Can you suffer stomach pains in heaven?

Of course not. The Brothers Gibb are a few discos shorts of a night fever, if you know what I mean. Mind you, I still have very bad posture.

What do you make of Dave Grohl’s post-Nirvana career?

Jeez, I just love the Foos. I know everyone thinks I’d hate ‘em but, truth is, if I was still alive I’d be right there at the side of the stage, doing air-guitar to ‘Learning To Fly’ or singing along to that tune about the best, the best, the best of you, the best, the best, the best of you. I think it was called ‘The One’.

What do you make of Krist Novoselic’s post-Nirvana career?

Who?

Your old bassist.

Only kidding! Krist is great. Did you ever hear his Eyes Adrift record? That’s the album Nirvana would’ve made after Unplugged. I’d have probably gone into politics too if I’d stuck around. Or at least done a charity 7-inch with Michael Stipe.

Have you ever listened to Bush?

Yeah, man, they’re great too. I’ve got nothing against them putting their refreshing limey spin on the whole grunge thang. Albini worked with them, you know. They’re cool. Just like everybody else, I can't wait for the 33 1/3 volume on Sixteen Stone written by David Fricke.

Tell us about your new album, Montage Of Heck.

Oh, it’s too embarrassing. It's just old home recordings, demos, covers, sonic experiments and comedy skits. It’s like everyone looking at your baby photos. The real solo album I was working on towards the end was going to be far more ambitious and communal. Stipey would’ve been on there, of course. Meat Puppets and Dylan Carlson were invited. Mark Lanegan would be duetting. Not that that’s anything special. That cat’s on everything these days. That gives me an idea for another hilarious comedy skit: “New Track Doesn’t Feature Mark Lanegan”.

What did you actually sing on ‘Tourette’s’?

If I remember correctly, the lyrics are as follows: “Meaty matinee / My dear / Cutting out all the carbs / My diet / Weirdo additives / Calorie-chart / We don’t want Happy Meal / Clean heart.” I was on a health kick at the time.

Did your wife murder you?

Nah.

Then how come you’re up there? Isn’t suicide a sin?

I didn’t say I wasn’t murdered but I don’t know why you’re all still pointing the finger at my poor wife, you bunch of woman-hating conspiracy nuts. Who’s done best out of my death? Is it genuinely my traumatised widow or is it...

Dave Grohl!

Right! Dave “nicest guy in rock” Grohl. You’ve “got another confession” have you? I wonder what that could be.

Really?

No. I’m kidding. Dave’s a great guy.

Are you really Kurt Cobain?

SÉANCE INTERCEPTED - SÉANCE INTERCEPTED - THIS IS THE VOICE OF LAYNE STALEY - YOU MUST FREE ME FROM MY LIMBO AND HELP ME PUT A STOP TO THE ALL-NEW ALICE IN CHAINS - LOOK INTO THE MIRROR AND REPEAT THESE WORDS FIVE TIMES: “CANDYMAN IN THE BOX, CANDYMAN IN THE BOX, CANDYMAN IN THE BOX...”

ADELE CONFIRMS NEW ALBUM: I AM 25 YEARS OF AGE

Good news for fans of crying to love songs, Adele has revealed details of her new album. I AM 25 YEARS OF AGE will be released on 25/25/15 and its tracklist is as follows:

1) Hiya, Love

2) Send My Love To Your New Lover, My Love

3) I Miss You And All Of Your Love, Oh Loving Lover

4) When We Were Young And In Love And It Felt Just Like Love

5) Remedy For Love

6) Water Under The Bridge Over Troubled Water

7) River of Love

8) Love In The Dark (Dark In The Love)

9) What’s My Age Again? (Blink 182 cover)

10) I AM 25 YEARS OF AGE (title track)

11) Sweetest Love, Loveliest Sweet, Sweet Love, Love’s Sweet (Until It Sours) LOOOOOVE!!! xxx

LATEST MERCURY MUSIC PRIZE BETTING ODDS

Jamie XCX (7/4)

C Duncan Bannatyne (3/1)

Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf Alice? (5/1)

Florence & Machina/The Machines of God by The Smashing Pumpkins (2/1)

Róisín Dropkick Murphys (aon déag/trí)

George Eskra (17/3)

If You’re Happy And You Ghostpoet (5/7.4254)

Tippex Din - (Foujrztwyyn/Avril 14)

The Ben Clementine’s Day Massacre (12/4)

Soak Graham Norton (8/900)

Paul Gascoigne Coombes (6.12/8)

Chas & Slaves (4/half a dozen jellied eels)

NEW TRACK DOESN'T FEATURE MARK LANEGAN

Reports are coming in that a band has neglected to feature Mark Lanegan on its latest track. The matter is still under serious investigation but it is believed that the group in question recently uploaded its new song to SoundCloud in promotion of a forthcoming album. However, when listeners played the composition, they could detect no trace of Mark Lanegan whatsoever. A spokesperson from the American Federation of Musicians described the situation as “profoundly disturbing”. Back in 1999, a law was introduced which decreed that every band was legally obliged to feature Mark Lanegan on all future material. ‘Lanegan’s Law’ was intended to aid the plight of the lowly singer after the dissolution of Screaming Trees threatened to end his career, although some campaigners believe the law has since become old fashioned and unnecessary, much like Lanegan's last solo LP.

The offending track has been removed from SoundCloud, although it has been suggested that the act was an honest mistake; it could have been an early instrumental demo from before Lanegan’s vocals were added, for example. Others who listened to the piece have become convinced that they did indeed hear Lanegan’s distinctive gravelly tones in the background, albeit very low in the mix. Mark Lanegan himself was unavailable for comment as he is in the studio laying down songs for everybody’s next record.

GEORGE EZRA ANNOUNCES CONCEPT ALBUM ABOUT CITIES BEGINNING WITH 'B'

Either George Ezra has a fetish for cities beginning with ‘B’ or Joel Pott does (the bloke from Athlete who helps write Ezra’s songs). First came the monstrous success of ‘Budapest’, on which Ezra neglected to educate the British public by consistently eschewing the correct Hungarian pronunciation of the city (“Budapesht”), perhaps because he (co-)wrote the song having never actually visited the very place he was singing about. Then there’s his latest single, ‘Barcelona’, which is basically the same song with the location altered.

Now Ezra has revealed he is to record an entire album solely dedicated to cities that begin with the second letter of the alphabet. It’s an ambitious project to rival that of Sufjan Stevens’ plan to write an album for each American state. Here’s a sneak preview of some of the tracks that will appear on Ezra’s forthcoming LP, Cities In The Key Of B:

‘Bruges’
A popular tourist destination, Bruges boasts Medieval architecture, beautiful canals and crowds of film buffs pointing their fingers and going, “look, that’s where Colin Farrell was chased by a fat man.” A typical honeymoon destination, Bruges is the ideal location for this swoontastic romantic ballad about a girl who wears lots of rouge, enjoys drinking booze and is a fan of Tom Cruise.

‘Bradford’
In many ways, Bradford is an even more romantic city than Bruges. Here, Ezra croons about going on a date to the IMAX cinema at the National Media Museum before visiting one of the best curry houses in the country. Unfortunately, there’s not much to rhyme with ‘Bradford’.“Baby, we’ll eat in Bradford, where there’s no bad food,” he sings.

‘Barcelona’
(rerecorded version of Ezra’s 2015 chart smash)

‘Barcelona’
(cover version of Freddie Mercury’s 1987 chart smash)

‘Bristol’
Traditionally, only the city’s local artists have sung about Bristol, so it’s about time a nice Hertfordshire lad stepped up to break the trip-hop monopoly and bring a fresh, outsider’s eye to the subject. Instead of whispering over ambient beats about weed deals on council estates, Ezra’s acoustic ballad tackles the previously neglected topic of the quality of cake in the Bristol Museum & Art Gallery cafe: ‘The sponge is moist, the portions will fill ya, now let’s check out the stuffed gorilla...’ (He’s on the first floor with the dinosaurs and geology exhibits.)

IGGY AZALEA RUNS OUT OF WORDS THAT RHYME WITH "IGGY"

Hip-hop superstar Iggy Azalea’s career was thrown into its latest crisis yesterday when she and her various co-writers realised that they had completely exhausted all of the things that rhyme with the rapper’s first name.

Notable rhymes the team has previously exploited include “diggy”, “ciggy”, “biggie”, “jiggy” and “tiggy”, not to mention copious fraught half-rhymes such as “sticky”, “trippy”, “kitty”, “Whitney”, “Britney”, “tipsy”, “feel me” and even “ill-y”. In certain cases, the lack of another rhyming word has even forced Iggy to rhyme her name simply with a second “Iggy” within the very same verse.

An inside source has hinted that Iggy is considering changing her name to something more rhyme-friendly, such as “Pat” or “Di”, or simply moving into a less solipsistic genre of music.

LIBERTINES ANNOUNCE NEW ARCHITECTURE-THEMED CONCEPT RECORD

The Libertines have finally confirmed details of their forthcoming album, the architecture-based concept album Anthems For Domed Roof.

It is the band’s third studio album and the first since Pete Doherty overcame his previous dependence on various forms of class A drugs with a newfound addiction to old buildings and other physical structures. Anthems For Domed Roof will be released on 4 September and includes tracks such as Chandrashala Me Now, What Katie Zaha Hadid and Gunga Buildin’.

In a recent interview The Libertines confirmed they hope to begin work on their fourth album “as soon as possible”. This one is rumoured to be inspired by Carl Barat’s penchant for hors d'oeuvres, provisionally titled Anthems For Amuse-bouche.