RUSSELL BRAND BATTLES INFIDELITY IMPULSES BY GRAFTING EXTRA VAGINAS ONTO BODY OF KATY PERRY

In a gallant attempt to remain faithful to his new bride and stave off the inevitable boredom of matrimony, Russell Brand has discovered an innovative new way of satisfying his compulsive urges for copious quantities of promiscuous sex. Using state of the art medical technology, Hollywood surgeon Dr. Denzil Lipstitch is to graft between 6 and 80 dead donors’ vaginas onto various locations of Katy Perry’s 26 year old body, for her satyriasic husband to discover and investigate at his pleasure.

Perry has expressed boundless enthusiasm for the operation, despite the procedure requiring several excruciating hours of painful surgery which will result in the singer’s figure looking like it’s been caught in the crossfire of a semi-automatic flangegun. In an interview with Radio 1’s preeminent investigative journalist Fearne Cotton, Perry explained that “I would do anything to make my man happy. I, like, totally dig him, and would gladly have the fannies… ha ha, isn’t that what you Brits call them here? …the fannies of car crash victims sewn all over my back and limbs if that’s what will please him.”
“Wicked,” agreed Cotton perceptively, “I mean, it’s, like, a bit weird for a strong, beautiful woman not to have some kind of cosmetic surgery in this day and age, isn’t it? Wicked. Brilliant. Totally wicked. I think it’s wicked. Wicked.” The interview subsequently petered out as both parties became increasingly distracted by a particularly shiny five pence piece.

The proposed operation has been condemned as an immoral perversion of science by US religious groups who frequently refer to Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein without ever having read it. However, Mr. Roger Mourning, widowed husband of one of the deceased twat donors, is pleased that his wife’s body will be put to good use. “Emma had such a generous soul,” he explained through a niagara of tears and snot, “and it is a blessing that she can keep on giving after she has gone. She was such a huge fan of Russell’s ability to tell embarrassing stories from his life as a sex-obsessed drug-addict to comic effect, and she also found one or two of Perry’s early singles to be mildly tolerable.”

Since the news broke, Brand has been unavailable for comment as he has been busy perusing the erotic literature section of a Covent Garden bookshop in 1786.

OASIS TO REFORM FOR SPECIAL 'BE HERE NOW' THIRTEEN-YEAR ANNIVERSARY SHOWS

Noel Gallagher today sent shivers of anticipation through the music world by announcing that he is to make amends with his estranged brother Liam, and follow in the footsteps of his archrivals Blur, by reforming his old band: Oasis. The group are poised to play a five-night residency at the HMV Forum, each night performing their seminal third album Be Here Now in its entirety.

The shows are the latest in the ATP promotions’ Don’t Look Back series of concerts, in which cult musicians are asked to recite their most definitive album in full, from beginning to end. Previous successes have included The Lemonheads doing It’s a Shame about Ray, Mudhoney performing Superbuzz Bigmuff Plus Early Singles, Slint playing Spiderland, and Terence Trent D’Arby blasting through his cross-genre groundbreaking kazoo-wielding opus Neither Fish Nor Flesh.

As well as having coaxed the return of his erratic younger brother, the reunited all-star Oasis line-up will feature the talents of Paul “Bonehead” Arthurs, Paul “Guigsy” McGuigan, Andy “Belly” Bell, Gem “Gemmy” Archer, Tony “Carrolly” McCarroll, and Zak “Zak Starkey” Starkey. Also returning to the fold will be Noel Gallagher’s famous monobrow, “Monny”. The monobrow, sported by Noel during the years of Oasis’ artistic and commercial peak, has not been sighted since 2006 when Noel was persuaded to drop the ‘brow when receiving male grooming tips from his new friend Russell Brand who was dressed as a disabled pirate. Rumours among music industry insiders suggest that Monny consequently fell on hard times and in order to make ends meet found a day-job as a professional shoe polisher, whilst satisfying his need to perform by playing gigs in the evenings around the West Midlands area as a member of Charlatans tribute band ‘The Charlatan Charlatans’.

Messageboards have been buzzing with fans’ excitement at the opportunity to hear all their favourite Oasis tunes one more time; D’You Know What I Mean, All Around the World, and Magic Pie, to name just three. The only disappointment has been the news that Johnny Depp, who provided additional guitar on the classic number “Fade In-Out”, will not be appearing at the shows, as he is far too busy dressing up as a disabled pirate.

Some devotees of the ATP concerts and festivals have criticized the Oasis shows as evidence of the increasingly commercial and populist nature of the promotional company, once regarded as an important supporter of alternative and outsider music. These accusations have been denied by Barry Hogan, ATP’s head honcho, who claimed to have been a follower of the Mancunian indie rockers since “even before Wonderwall”, speaking to us from his secret lair built into the hills overlooking Butlin’s, Minehead, through a golden telephone, whilst receiving a massage from the identical twin sisters from School of Seven Bells.