KATRINA SUFFERING FROM THIRD DEGREE BURNS UPON FEET

Katrina Leskanich was admitted into hospital at the weekend for emergency treatment of severe burn wounds to both of her feet. The injuries occurred as matters got out of control when Katrina was engaged in her customary practice of walking on sunshine. At the initial signs of danger, the singer had attempted to extinguish the fire with her Waves but the flames proved just too fierce and uncontrollable. She is currently being treated in the St. Andrew’s burns unit at the Broomfield Hospital in Chelmsford. A specialist at the hospital has released a statement highlighting the dangers of Katrina’s activity and warning her fans not to make the same mistake: “It is surprising that Katrina and the Waves were not more seriously hurt, or perhaps even killed. Walking on sunshine is an extremely ill-advised and dangerous activity in which to partake for even two or three minutes. To have been doing this on-and-off for almost thirty years is unthinkable.”

OASIS TO REFORM FOR SPECIAL 'BE HERE NOW' THIRTEEN-YEAR ANNIVERSARY SHOWS

Noel Gallagher today sent shivers of anticipation through the music world by announcing that he is to make amends with his estranged brother Liam, and follow in the footsteps of his archrivals Blur, by reforming his old band: Oasis. The group are poised to play a five-night residency at the HMV Forum, each night performing their seminal third album Be Here Now in its entirety.

The shows are the latest in the ATP promotions’ Don’t Look Back series of concerts, in which cult musicians are asked to recite their most definitive album in full, from beginning to end. Previous successes have included The Lemonheads doing It’s a Shame about Ray, Mudhoney performing Superbuzz Bigmuff Plus Early Singles, Slint playing Spiderland, and Terence Trent D’Arby blasting through his cross-genre groundbreaking kazoo-wielding opus Neither Fish Nor Flesh.

As well as having coaxed the return of his erratic younger brother, the reunited all-star Oasis line-up will feature the talents of Paul “Bonehead” Arthurs, Paul “Guigsy” McGuigan, Andy “Belly” Bell, Gem “Gemmy” Archer, Tony “Carrolly” McCarroll, and Zak “Zak Starkey” Starkey. Also returning to the fold will be Noel Gallagher’s famous monobrow, “Monny”. The monobrow, sported by Noel during the years of Oasis’ artistic and commercial peak, has not been sighted since 2006 when Noel was persuaded to drop the ‘brow when receiving male grooming tips from his new friend Russell Brand who was dressed as a disabled pirate. Rumours among music industry insiders suggest that Monny consequently fell on hard times and in order to make ends meet found a day-job as a professional shoe polisher, whilst satisfying his need to perform by playing gigs in the evenings around the West Midlands area as a member of Charlatans tribute band ‘The Charlatan Charlatans’.

Messageboards have been buzzing with fans’ excitement at the opportunity to hear all their favourite Oasis tunes one more time; D’You Know What I Mean, All Around the World, and Magic Pie, to name just three. The only disappointment has been the news that Johnny Depp, who provided additional guitar on the classic number “Fade In-Out”, will not be appearing at the shows, as he is far too busy dressing up as a disabled pirate.

Some devotees of the ATP concerts and festivals have criticized the Oasis shows as evidence of the increasingly commercial and populist nature of the promotional company, once regarded as an important supporter of alternative and outsider music. These accusations have been denied by Barry Hogan, ATP’s head honcho, who claimed to have been a follower of the Mancunian indie rockers since “even before Wonderwall”, speaking to us from his secret lair built into the hills overlooking Butlin’s, Minehead, through a golden telephone, whilst receiving a massage from the identical twin sisters from School of Seven Bells.