Wednesday, 13 August 2014


“As I’m sure you’re aware, we’ve always maintained a strict ‘no dickhead’ rule for our events,” explained a spokesperson for All Tomorrow’s Parties. “Unfortunately, founder Barry Hogan caught sight of his own reflection in a mirror at the weekend, so Jabberwocky had to be cancelled without delay. It was like at the end of Dorian Gray, but with extra vomit.”

Thursday, 10 July 2014


The Arctic Monkeys are among a range of successful musicians who have been named as part of a controversial tune avoidance scheme.

A secret database leaked to The Times newspaper revealed around 1,600 people who tried to shelter their wealth of melodies through an “aggressive tune avoidance strategy” known as “pulling a full Barlow”.

The Times reports that since the release of their debut album, the Arctic Monkeys have been hiding between 557,000 and 1.1 million of undisclosed tunes, having chosen to share only their most humdrum and monotonous morsels with the public.

Katie Melua and George Michael are also accused of using the scheme, the latter having failed to give the world a decent tune since about 1994.

Thursday, 15 May 2014


The leader of the 1791 Haitian Revolution, Toussaint L’Ouverture aka “The Black Napoleon”, has resurrected himself and immediately opened a lawsuit against Michael Gira and his rock group Swans.

The point of contention is a song entitled ‘Bring The Sun/Toussaint L’Ouverture’, a thirty-five minute morbid rock dirge that is the centrepiece of Swans’ latest critically-adored album To Be Kind. L’Ouverture’s lawyers hope to secure a substantial sum for damages as well as a stake in all future Swans music and merchandise royalties. They accuse Gira of violating L’Ouverture’s intellectual property rights, defamation of character, and misappropriating L’Ouverture’s name. 

L’Ouverture was reborn last Thursday in Port-au-Prince via an elaborate voodoo ceremony involving painted skulls, rosary beads, a bunch of really freaky-looking masks and Baron Samedi from Live And Let Die.

A press statement from L’Ouverture reads:
“Since dying in imprisonment at the hands of the French in 1803, I have witnessed countless reprehensible actions from the vantage point of my wicker throne in the netherdimension. The country whose independence I secured through the only successful slave revolt in history has suffered under countless internal and external threats and misfortunes. The French resisted our bid for freedom and even had the gall to attempt to reconquer us. The Americans refused to recognize our independence until decades after their own civil war and then occupied us in 1915. We’ve been ruled by merciless dictators. We’ve been blighted by earthquakes, tropical storms and devastating famines. And to make matters worse, in 2010 Wyclef Jean off of The Fugees turned up wanting to be President. Now this is the last straw. Michael Gira waving his arms around pretending to be me. What’s he playing at? Shouting my name. Acting like he’s channelling my spirit. It’s not on. Everyone has a go at Avril Lavigne for that Hello Kitty song but I don’t see any critics accusing this Gira pillock of cultural appropriation, just because the Swans are actually good. Well that’s no excuse.”

Should the lawsuit fail, L’Ouverture plans to form a rival group of post-no wave droners with members of Earth, Throbbing Gristle and Oxbow so that he can compose his own overlong indulgent slab of dawdling metal in which he repeats the words “Michael Gira, Michael Gira, Michael Gira, Michael Gira” over and over again in an authoritative baritone while vehemently refusing to change chords.

Thursday, 17 April 2014



After pledging their “strongest commitment to the arts we’ve made in a generation”, the BBC has announced that it is to relaunch its faintly alternative digital radio station 6 Music under the exciting new name ‘Elbow FM’.

Henceforth, the majority of the channel’s airtime will be taken up by Elbow frontman Guy Garvey playing his favourite records, his friends’ favourite records and his favourite records made by his friends, interspersed with banal anecdotes about how many of his musical heroes he’s met, seen in concert, collaborated with, or befriended. In the scant moments when Garvey is not DJing, the station’s few remaining presenters will spin their own favourite Elbow tracks, encourage listeners to phone in with ‘unforgettable Elbow memories’, and narrate in-depth documentaries about the band Elbow. So pretty much the same as it is now.

Speaking about the announcement, the humble Northern everyman Garvey said, “I remember I was in a Los Angeles deli with Laura Marling when I heard the news. She was finishing her blackberry pancakes and I had just ordered my signature cocktail. It’s called Grounds For Divorce Woah Woah Woah Woah Woah Woah Woah. I’d like to thank the BBC for all the support they’ve given to Elbow, Elbow’s friends, and all the other groups out there who sound exactly like Elbow. Anyway, I’ve got to go now, I’m meeting Badly Drawn Boy for an sneaky ale and then I have to interview Bob Dylan about his all-time top five Elbow albums.”

Wednesday, 26 March 2014



Northern post-punk misanthropes The Fall have unveiled a very special release for this year’s Record Store Day. The Entertainment Scam is a box set compiling all of the band’s previous box sets. The box-set-boxed-set will include The Fall Box Set 1976-2007The 5 Albums Box Set, The Touch Sensitive Bootleg Box SetThe Complete Peel Sessions, The Rough Trade Singles Box, This Nation’s Saving Grace (Omnibus Edition), and much, much more.

Also housed within the box-box are reams of sycophantic liner notes by a host of top television comedians such as Stewart Lee, Frank Skinner and James Corden, a previously unreleased track of Mark E. Smith repeating the phrase “Irkutskian rimple flake” over a primitive keyboard beat for around seven or eight minutes, and a soggy Salford beer-mat that once rested the pint of the great MES himself. The enormous box-box even comes with its own rusty wheelbarrow for easy transportation.

Speaking about the release, The Fall frontman said, “gurgle gurgle gurgle fucccckin’ gggggggrrrrruuuuugggggh-aaah garggantuan gggarrulous geriatric garlic-ah gibbets grrrrghgdddd gurgle gurgle fucccckin’ gurgle-aah”. Clearly, Mark has never been more delighted.

The box-set-box-set will retail at £312.97p, or you can snap it up for a mere £24,875.04p off eBay on DARSD (Day After Record Store Day). The set-set has a strictly limited edition run of 400 copies (until frivolously reprinted at a later date).

Wednesday, 19 February 2014



Extending his string of ‘guerrilla’ gigs, the artist formerly known as The Artist Formerly Known As Prince has announced he will perform a secret concert tonight at a famous venue that you can’t possibly reach quickly enough to secure a decent position in the queue, let alone have time to arrange a babysitter.

The purple-clad 80s star who hasn’t released a good album in, like, twenty years or something has managed to revive massive interest in his dwindling career through the unprecedented, innovative and groundbreaking promotional tactic of playing his songs, live, onstage, in some popular music venues.

The concerts have been hailed as “pant-soilingly orgasmic” by London media types who don’t have proper jobs and could float with ease to the abruptly-announced locations on the magic carpets they call ‘Oyster Cards’, leaving the rest of the country feeling excluded, uncool, and sex deprived.

However, Prince has promised that he will head up north at the end of this week where he will wow the socks off John Thomson, John Robb, Wayne Rooney, and Norris from Coronation Street. It is predicted that he will not play the Batman LP in its entirety.