Wednesday, 30 September 2015


Either George Ezra has a fetish for cities beginning with ‘B’ or Joel Pott does (the bloke from Athlete who helps write Ezra’s songs). First came the monstrous success of ‘Budapest’, on which Ezra neglected to educate the British public by consistently eschewing the correct Hungarian pronunciation of the city (“Budapesht”), perhaps because he (co-)wrote the song having never actually visited the very place he was singing about. Then there’s his latest single, ‘Barcelona’, which is basically the same song with the location altered.

Now Ezra has revealed he is to record an entire album solely dedicated to cities that begin with the second letter of the alphabet. It’s an ambitious project to rival that of Sufjan Stevens’ plan to write an album for each American state. Here’s a sneak preview of some of the tracks that will appear on Ezra’s forthcoming LP, Cities In The Key Of B:

A popular tourist destination, Bruges boasts Medieval architecture, beautiful canals and crowds of film buffs pointing their fingers and going, “look, that’s where Colin Farrell was chased by a fat man.” A typical honeymoon destination, Bruges is the ideal location for this swoontastic romantic ballad about a girl who wears lots of rouge, enjoys drinking booze and is a fan of Tom Cruise.

In many ways, Bradford is an even more romantic city than Bruges. Here, Ezra croons about going on a date to the IMAX cinema at the National Media Museum before visiting one of the best curry houses in the country. Unfortunately, there’s not much to rhyme with ‘Bradford’.“Baby, we’ll eat in Bradford, where there’s no bad food,” he sings.

(rerecorded version of Ezra’s 2015 chart smash)

(cover version of Freddie Mercury’s 1987 chart smash)

Traditionally, only the city’s local artists have sung about Bristol, so it’s about time a nice Hertfordshire lad stepped up to break the trip-hop monopoly and bring a fresh, outsider’s eye to the subject. Instead of whispering over ambient beats about weed deals on council estates, Ezra’s acoustic ballad tackles the previously neglected topic of the quality of cake in the Bristol Museum & Art Gallery cafe: ‘The sponge is moist, the portions will fill ya, now let’s check out the stuffed gorilla...’ (He’s on the first floor with the dinosaurs and geology exhibits.)

Wednesday, 5 August 2015


Hip-hop superstar Iggy Azalea’s career was thrown into its latest crisis yesterday when she and her various co-writers realised that they had completely exhausted all of the things that rhyme with the rapper’s first name.

Notable rhymes the team has previously exploited include “diggy”, “ciggy”, “biggie”, “jiggy” and “tiggy”, not to mention copious fraught half-rhymes such as “sticky”, “trippy”, “kitty”, “Whitney”, “Britney”, “tipsy”, “feel me” and even “ill-y”. In certain cases, the lack of another rhyming word has even forced Iggy to rhyme her name simply with a second “Iggy” within the very same verse.

An inside source has hinted that Iggy is considering changing her name to something more rhyme-friendly, such as “Pat” or “Di”, or simply moving into a less solipsistic genre of music.

Wednesday, 15 July 2015


The Libertines have finally confirmed details of their forthcoming album, the architecture-based concept album Anthems For Domed Roof.

It is the band’s third studio album and the first since Pete Doherty overcame his previous dependence on various forms of class A drugs with a newfound addiction to old buildings and other physical structures. Anthems For Domed Roof will be released on 4 September and includes tracks such as Chandrashala Me Now, What Katie Zaha Hadid and Gunga Buildin’.

In a recent interview The Libertines confirmed they hope to begin work on their fourth album “as soon as possible”. This one is rumoured to be inspired by Carl Barat’s penchant for hors d'oeuvres, provisionally titled Anthems For Amuse-bouche.

Monday, 15 June 2015


Show me a musician, and I’ll show you a person who loves wrestling. The rapper Riff Raff is training for WWE. The Mountain Goats and Luke Haines have each penned concept albums about the sport. Insane Clown Posse, Snoop Dogg and The Misfits have all appeared in the ring. Billy Corgan founded Pro Resistance Wrestling and was recently appointed senior producer at TNA Wrestling. So it’s about time the compliment was reciprocated. Here are four music-inspired moves that Corgan and his wrestling boss peers ought to introduce post-haste:

The Mozza
First, lull your opponent into a sedated daze with a public reading of the needlessly repetitive royalties dispute section of your overlong autobiography. Then blind your opponent by thrusting a bouquet of gladioli into their face. Finally, release an agitated bull into the sports arena and laugh heartlessly as the magnificent beast gores everybody to death.

The Sick Beat
For this Taylor Swift-inspired move, fool your opponent into a false sense of security by allowing them to grapple you. Then shake it off. Position yourself over your competitor while turning your back on Nashville. Get them in a headlock and beat them around the ears while whispering popular phrases such as “whatever”, “like”, “oh my god” and “baby”. This will both intensify the suffering of your opponent and win over the crowd by making it look that you are just like them, like. Consider marketing this move as “The $ick Beet” in the hope the real Swift doesn’t sue.

The Sting in the Ring
This is a more elaborate move in which you hold your opponent in a painful arm-lock until they agree to invest in a Broadway musical about Tyneside shipbuilding that literally nobody wants to see. Fire your tag-team partner Jimmy Nail.

McCartney’s Thumbs
Pretend to compliment your opponent by putting both your thumbs up, wobbling your head and going “oooooh”. Move slowly towards them, distracting them with further “ooooh”s, a couple of “mama”s and a “nanana”. Jolt your thumbs into the nose or eyes of your opponent. The “peace sign” can be used if fingers are preferred.

Thursday, 23 April 2015


As anyone who visited an independent parchment store last Saturday can attest, Parchment Store Day 2015 was a resounding success. 1,500% more parchment was sold than on the previous Saturday and Parchment Store Day 2015 had a 24.3% increase in bound parchment sales and a 97.2% increase in single-sheet parchment sales from PSD 2014. And while some have accused the day of being a bad thing for parchment merchants, it definitely brought a lot of people to independent parchment stalls.

Parchment Store Day was founded several decades ago in resistance to the decline in independent parchment shops and the lamentable rise of WH Smith’s user-friendly A4 Plain Paper Refill Pad.

As is traditional, a number of parchments were created specifically for Parchment Store Day, including exclusive parchments from the likes of Foo Fighters, David Bowie and Ludolph of Saxony (c. 1295-1378).

Unfortunately, some of the rarer Parchment Store Day manuscripts have already appeared for re-sale down the marketplace.

Wednesday, 11 March 2015


April 18th is your chance to camp outside an independent record shop in the freezing cold only to find that all the best stuff was either sent to an entirely different outlet or the greedy bloke in front of you basically bought everything just so he could immediately sell it all on eBay.

The list of exclusive releases has just been announced, and here are some of the best:

Gay Dad - Transmission 
The groundbreaking rock group’s second album reissued with extensive liner notes including an in-depth account of that time they overran at Leeds Festival 2001 which meant that Carling Stage headliners Hefner were forced to cut their own set short so as not to breach curfew.

Patti Smith - Complete Album Boxset
...even though you’ll only ever bother listening to the first one and maybe ‘Because The Night’ at a push.

Some reprint of a shoddy punk 7-inch that’s of interest only to the frazzled old speed casualty who has too many patches sewn onto his leather jacket and hangs around the library an awful lot

A Hawkwind Record With A Spaceship On It

Scab-covered Rat Infestation - People Who Don’t Hold The Exact Same Beliefs As Me Are Inhuman Monsters Who Should Be Violently Assaulted 
Timely reissue of the grindcore classic, released on Fuck The Man Records Ltd.

Birdman Original Soundtrack 
Is your Facebook account failing to make you feel self-important enough? Why not spin this tense compilation of free-jazz drumbeats while you yell pompously at your friends, family and colleagues? 

Lou Barlow - The Basement Tapes
Wait, aren’t all Lou Barlow releases basement tapes?

Pink Floyd - The Soft Bulletin 
British prog legends have a right old giggle covering The Flaming Lips’ 1999 album in its entirety TO SEE HOW THEY BLOODY LIKE IT.

Foo Fighters - Here Comes Dave Grohl Thinking He’s Made A Garage Rock Record Again Even Though It Sounds Like An Inarticulate Steely Dan 

Ghostbusters Original Soundtrack
Only listen to this if you are a man. Only men are allowed to make, star in, watch, listen to or enjoy Ghostbusters. Men only, get it? MEN. It’s a bit like all music, in that respect.