All across the land every magazine, website, record
shop, public house and branch of Pavers shoeshops have topped their end-of-year
charts with a certain Irish folk act. For one year only, everyone is in agreement. It’s like
we’re being asked to Lankum together. Why now? This band’s been going for ages,
you bunch of Johnny-Lankum-latelys. Are they really at their peak or is the
best yet to Lankum? “Should we wear black tie to any of the multiple awards
ceremonies we’ve been invited to?” asked the Dublin fourpiece. “Don’t worry,”
they were told. “Lankum as you are.” The musicians were also concerned about
what time to turn up because they only Lankum out at night. Don’t let them on
the karaoke microphone! Unless you want to hear a morbidly droning version of
‘Lankum On Eileen’. Sick of hearing about this band already? Here Lankums that
sinking feeling. Don’t worry, though. A change is gonna Lankum...
…because there is one list this season which promises
not to include that band at all. Spinal Bap’s Top Five Albums of 2023! LANKUM ON FEEL THE NOIZE!!!
Blur – The Ballad Of Darren Hayman
The ninth album from the knees-up fourpiece coincided
with their first live shows since whenever their last ones were. Savvily, the
bass-playing farmer of the group managed to synchronise Blur’s latest comeback
with the launch of his undrinkable ‘Britpop’ wine. Not a very imaginative name,
that. He never was the brightest beetlebulb in the country house. How about ‘There’s
Nero d’Avola Way’? Or the more straightforward ‘This Is A Merlot’? It pairs nicely
with the cheeses Alex James also produces. Like ‘Charmless Manchego’.
The Ballad Of Darren Hayman was a concept
album about another bloke from Essex who can’t stop writing concept albums. For
those who haven’t been following the ex-Hefner member’s solo career, the
overriding themes of Mr. Hayman’s countless albums have included astronauts,
relationships, villages, the English Civil Wars, relationships, outdoor
swimming pools, relationships, other villages, indoor swimming pools, indoor
fireworks, relationships, London, relationships, the political writings of
William Morris, towns, trains, Outer London, cafes, seasides, that bit of
London you always meant to visit but haven’t got around to seeing yet and
relationships.
There is a rumour he will be returning the favour
by writing a whole album about Blur. Its working title is Country Sad Ballad
Hayman and it is said to include ‘The Hymn For The Coffee & TV’.
Andre 3000 – New Kazoo, Son?
A true artist follows their creative instinct
rather than capitulating to audience expectations. That’s why, when everybody
was hoping for his first album of new age flute-based material, the ex-Outkast
rapper confounded his followers by releasing an album recorded entirely on the
kazoo. “I wanted to make a flute album, because in a way you really do
want to please your fans,” explained Andre 3000. And yet his heart kept being
drawn back to the kazoo, not least due to his love for the solo section on
Ringo Starr’s version of ‘You’re Sixteen’. Following Andre’s half‑decade quest
to master the instrument, the result was nearly 90 minutes of unlistenable
parping.
The National – The First Two Pages Of Frankenstein
Are A Lot More Interesting Than Listening To Our Boring Ballads
Matt Berninger took this album title from the
novel he turned to when suffering from writer’s block, a condition from which
he claims to have recovered. The lyrics are full of other suggestions for
things to do if you’re having trouble sticking with the record’s 47 feeble
minutes of sad-dad softrock. Better bands are mentioned, for instance, like
Afghan Whigs and New Order. Put them on instead. Failing that, you could
investigate the work of those who guested on The National’s record: Phoebe
Bridgers, Sufjan Stevens or Taylor Swift. Much more fun. As if to rub in the
salt, the band released another album in 2023, which included the song ‘Turn Off The
House’. Turn off the stereo, more like.
Metallica – 72 Seasonings
Refusing to run out of ideas, the world’s biggest
metal band turned to the massive spice rack in one of their fancy mansions for
inspiration. You could say it was about thyme. The outcome was easily their
best record since 1983’s herbcore thrash classic Dill ‘Em All. Built around
appropriately spicy riffs were heavy numbers such as ‘Fenugreek & Destroy’,
‘Bad Mustard Seed’ and ‘The Four Horseradishmen’. There was a relatable
poignancy to this album too, especially the aftermath of a particularly hot
curry that’s described in the verses of ‘Jalapeño Remorse’. The band proved
they could still bring it down a notch with ballads like ‘Fade To Black
Pepper’, ‘Cardamomma Said’ and ‘Hero Of The Bay Leaf’.
Bonus tracks included a re-recording of the title
track from Metallica’s second album, ‘…And Justice For Allspice’, and a cover
of the classic Diamond Head tune ‘Am I Chervil?’
Lankum – Lankum Rain Or Lankum Shine
Oh, sod it. Fine. Lankum are in this list too. Well, you know what they say. If you can’t beat ‘em…
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