Tuesday, 28 June 2011


Electropop synth chump Calvin Harris has been handed a restraining order after he attempted to sexually assault the weekend.

It was initially presumed that Harris had insisted on mentioning the weekend in the majority of his tracks simply as the easiest way to guarantee their regular rotation on radio and in the clubs in order to secure regular royalty payments, but it now appears to have been a means for the keyboard wielding pest to vent a much darker obsession. Over time, Harris’ unquenchable fixation with the weekend swelled to the degree that he became incapable of penning lyrics on any other subject. His latest single, ‘Bounce’ (feat. Kelis), again mentions the weekend, and follows his 2009 record Ready for the Weekend, a concept album largely about the weekend.

Harris is thought to have become even more enamoured when he realised that his love would never be reciprocated, because he earns a living as a musician and thus never has a weekend, or a working week, but rather one long, continuous holiday. Others in such a position may have taken this as a blessing, but it seems to have driven Harris quite, quite mad. The insane preoccupation eventually drove Harris to violently force himself upon the object of his desires. Luckily, however, the weekend managed to distract Harris with an oversized pair of retro sunglasses and a glowstick, and managed to escape with only a few bruises.

On assigning the restraining order, which prevents Harris from coming within a thirty mile radius of the weekend, the judge encouragingly suggested that that perhaps Harris’ hopes of a 9 to 5, Monday to Friday routine were not as far off as he might think.

Monday, 20 June 2011


Dave Mustaine has revealed that the new Megadeth record will be a collaboration with experimental musician and performance artist Laurie Anderson.

The wife of Lou Reed had originally planned to record a full album of her old numbers with the ex-Metallica guitarist, before Mustaine admitted that he’d never actually heard any. This prompted Anderson to confess that she wasn’t overly familiar with the Megadeth back catalogue either. The pair then settled on a ten-track conceptual album of original compositions loosely based upon the life of TV’s Paul Ross.

The album has been given the working title In the Shadow and will feature Megadeth’s signature thrash metal sound complemented by Anderson’s pretentiously poetic spoken-word meditations on events such as the time Paul Ross went up against his brother Jonathan in a Friday evening ratings war (Jonathan presented Friday Night with Jonathan Ross on BBC1, whilst Paul featured on rival station FlogTV advertising a DVD boxset of all the Alien films even though it’s only the first one that’s any good) and the time Jonathan bought his mother a yacht for her birthday and Paul only got her a slightly scuffed boxset of all the Alien films.

Mustaine and Anderson have also attracted a plethora of other collaborators for the record who they felt had the suitable talent and expertise to contribute to In the Shadow. They include Art Garfunkel, Krist Novoselic, Dave Davies, Spiral Stairs, Robert Webb, Richard Herring, James Belushi

Wednesday, 15 June 2011


Police have been granted extra time to question Joss Stone over an apparent conspiracy to rob and murder the genre of soul music after they arrested the millionaire pop singer at her home this week.

The singer, aged 24, who lives in Cullompton, Devon, was caught creating a ritualistic pyre, which included a vinyl copy of Cissy Houston’s 1978 album Think it Over, the black box from the Beechcraft 18 Airplane which flew Otis Redding to his death, a vial containing the frozen semen of Eddie Floyd, along with a confused Leon Huff who had been imprisoned within a large plastic bin liner. The family of the elderly record producer Mr. Huff issued a statement claiming that he was last seen three days ago in Los Angeles having a drink with Miss Stone and that he may have been drugged and abducted by the Grammy Award Winning artist.

Police spokesmen have refused to comment on whether Stone planned to sacrifice these artifacts as part of a pagan ritual with the purpose of instigating the apocalyptic destruction of the genre’s credibility. One officer did comment, however, that such an act would be highly out of character for the normally banal Miss Stone.

The police stated that "we are unable to say anymore at this time but we would like to thank the local resident who had a copy of Stevie Wonder’s pre-1979 back catalogue and drew attention to Miss Stone’s longstanding attempts to kidnap, molest and decimate what is clearly a rich body of work."

Dorothy Blakesop, an elderly lady, whose bungalow is near to Stone’s house commented, "it is obviously a very frightening situation if there are people going around pretending to be Aretha Franklin with little understanding of the social and political circumstances from which such music emerged."

Another Devon resident, Agatha Pilchard, was more supportive, saying "whilst I always liked soul music, it has been nice to see the exact same style come out of the mouth of a nice Devon girl," before adding, "you know what I mean, a white."

Thursday, 9 June 2011


Campaigners at this year’s Glastonbury Festival are planning to stage a demonstration during U2’s headlining set, voicing their opposition to the multimillionaire group’s avoidance of paying Larry Mullen, Jr.

It has recently come to light that since U2’s formation Larry has technically been under contract as an unpaid intern, with limited access to tour catering and a minimal rider allowance. When not on tour, Larry earns a living by giving drum lessons to schoolchildren in Dublin and gigging with U2 tribute band “U2(ii)”.

Campaigners have highlighted U2’s hypocrisy in pretending to care for the developing world, playing numerous high profile benefit gigs such as Live Aid, Live 8 and various other Boomtown Rats shows, and imploring their fans to donate their hard earned cash to good causes, whilst at the same time being so greedy themselves as to not even pay their own drummer. The protesters have promised to stop short of actually disrupting U2’s set, but are determined to make their demonstration highly visible by waving giant banners displaying slogans such as “Bono Pay Larry” and “Make Larry’s Poverty History” and by wearing giant cardboard cut-out masks of a sad-faced Larry with the words “Poor Larry” written across the forehead.

Chastity Goodall, an evangelical Christian, lifelong U2 enthusiast, and member of the Delirious? fan club, said “I love U2 almost as much as I love Our Lord Jesus Christ, but it is appalling that they continue to neglect Larry in this way. Larry is an integral part of the U2 dynamic and he is every bit as important as Bono, The Edge or the other one.” Then she started banging on about the eye of a needle or something.

Sunday, 5 June 2011


“I can recognise Alex easily,” explained Alex. “He’s the one what sings and goes out with that fit bird Alexa Chung. The other members though… I mean, if the bass player from the Arctic Monkeys were to walk past you in the street, would you know who he was? I wouldn’t.”

Chris Martin suffers from a similar affliction and, as a solution, insists that during rehearsal all the other members of Coldplay must wear brightly coloured name-hats. Martin himself wears an elaborate golden crown which his wife Gwyneth Paltrow claims to have crafted herself but, like her books, didn’t.