Tuesday, 28 June 2011


Electropop synth chump Calvin Harris has been handed a restraining order after he attempted to sexually assault the weekend.

It was initially presumed that Harris had insisted on mentioning the weekend in the majority of his tracks simply as the easiest way to guarantee their regular rotation on radio and in the clubs in order to secure regular royalty payments, but it now appears to have been a means for the keyboard wielding pest to vent a much darker obsession. Over time, Harris’ unquenchable fixation with the weekend swelled to the degree that he became incapable of penning lyrics on any other subject. His latest single, ‘Bounce’ (feat. Kelis), again mentions the weekend, and follows his 2009 record Ready for the Weekend, a concept album largely about the weekend.

Harris is thought to have become even more enamoured when he realised that his love would never be reciprocated, because he earns a living as a musician and thus never has a weekend, or a working week, but rather one long, continuous holiday. Others in such a position may have taken this as a blessing, but it seems to have driven Harris quite, quite mad. The insane preoccupation eventually drove Harris to violently force himself upon the object of his desires. Luckily, however, the weekend managed to distract Harris with an oversized pair of retro sunglasses and a glowstick, and managed to escape with only a few bruises.

On assigning the restraining order, which prevents Harris from coming within a thirty mile radius of the weekend, the judge encouragingly suggested that that perhaps Harris’ hopes of a 9 to 5, Monday to Friday routine were not as far off as he might think.

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