Sunday, 18 November 2012


Legendary Beady Eye frontman Liam Gallagher is to produce the next TV On The Radio LP. Gallagher is no stranger to knob twiddling, though he has never produced an album before.

The announcement will certainly thrill those fans who stuck with TV On The Radio through their last couple of dull, conservative albums.

Interviewed on the way to the studio, Gallagher was reported saying, “for this productiiiiiiion I’m gonna proper reign in TV’s imaginatiiiiiion and experimentatiiiiiiiion. Fuckin’ tambourine’s going higher in the mix for a start, d’you know what I mean? Shitbags.”

In other news, Beady Eye will be curating the All Tomorrow’s Parties festival at Camber Sands on 10-12 May, 2013. Guaranteed to delight ATP’s clientele of moustachioed cardigan-wearers, the star-studded line-up includes Cast, Paul Weller, Heavy Stereo, 18 Wheeler, Kula Shaker, Northern Uproar, Dodgy, Hurricane No.1, The Charlatans, Ian Brown, that bloke from The Verve, Shed 7, Shellac, Doves, Elbow, Ocean Colour Scene, The Coral, and the Appleton sisters’ post-All Saints supergroup Appleton performing every track of their cult-classic debut album Everything’s Eventual.

Book your chalet now to secure disappointment.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012


No Doubt have been forced to withdraw the controversial video of their latest single, ‘Looking Hot’. The promo, which featured No Doubt posing as a cartoonish ska-pop band, caused offense among communities of authentic musicians.

The video showed two of the group’s members - Tom Dumont and Adrian Young - dressed as cowboys, wielding instruments. Tony Kanal could be seen playing bass in a headdress, while Gwen Stefani, also in Native American costume, engaged in extensive miming.

After posting the film online, the band received a barrage of complaints on sites such as Youtube. One commentator wrote: “This video is very insensitive and very discourteous. Stefani, you have disrespected and slighted the entire musical community with your counterfeit portrayal of our heritage. The way you prance and frolic around, playing so-called ‘music’, is a mockery of our way of life and culture.”

Historically, musicians have suffered extensive discrimination and prejudice at the hands of non-musical Americans. Even today, musicians are stigmatized as poor, lazy, alcoholic herb-smokers and are often portrayed as violent, sexually-aggressive criminals with low levels of intelligence.

Following the complaints, No Doubt withdrew their video and released the following statement of apology: “Our intention with our new video was never to offend, hurt or trivialise musical people, their culture or their history. Although we consulted with musician friends and musical culture experts at the University of California, we realise now that we have offended people. We sincerely apologise to the musical community and anyone else offended by this video. This is a multi-racial band, founded on diversity. We would not be where we are today had we ever discriminated on the basis of creed, colour, gender, or talent.”

Wednesday, 7 November 2012


President Springsteen has been re-elected to a second term, defeating the Republican challenger Meatloaf.

In a victory speech that lasted over three and a half hours and included a rare solo performance of ‘Thunder Road’, President Bruce promised the United States of America that the “the best is yet to come”, even in light of 2003’s Essential Bruce Springsteen greatest hits CD. He pressed for a bipartisan approach to politics and emphasised his continued commitment to the themes of hope, the economy, unemployment, foreign policy, and racing through the streets in a Cadillac. He thanked the American people, his wife, family, and Vice President Van Zandt.

Bruce’s victory follows an intensive worldwide campaign (dubbed the ‘Wrecking Ball’ tour) which began in March 2012, covering 87 cities in North America, South America and Europe.

Challenger Meatloaf’s campaign, on the other hand, suffered problems from the outset. Mr Loaf employed bewildering, insubstantial slogans which failed to communicate a clear political message, such as “Life is a lemon and I want my money back” and “Objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are”. Asked about gay rights, Loaf replied ambiguously, “I would do anything for love - but I won’t do that”.

Political commentators have also suggested that many among the Republican Party’s support base found certain aspects of Meatloaf’s background difficult to swallow. For example, the revelations that he had appeared in the unashamed celebration of sexual deviancy The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and had also starred in the anti-capitalist movie Fight Club, in which he wore an intimidating pair of fake breasts.

In his concession speech, Mr Loaf congratulated President Springsteen on his victory, paid tribute to his running mate Jim Steinman, called for an end to “partisan bickering and political posturing”, and hinted at the possibility of Bat Out of Hell IV.

Friday, 14 September 2012


Oft-naked singer/show-off Amanda Palmer has attracted criticism this week for insisting that her new trombone player change his name to ‘Toby’.

While out shopping for a tenor mouthpiece, African immigrant and brass aficionado Kunta Kinte was set upon and kidnapped by a group of Palmer’s roadies. Confused and vulnerable, he was forced to add backing music to several dates on her tour. Initially believing he would be released after a few gigs, things went from bad to worse as the singer then took Kunta to the Virginia plantation she shares with her affluent author husband Neil Gaiman.

It was here that Palmer renamed the trombone player ‘Toby’. Refusing to accept this new identity, the trombone player was stripped by Palmer and flogged within an inch of his life. Palmer also stripped for no reason whatsoever.

When Kunta Kinte briefly escaped, he was soon tracked down by Gaiman and his team, with Palmer demanding strict punishment to quell any further insolence. The trombone player was given the choice between listening to the entire Amanda Palmer discography (including The Dresden Dolls) and having his foot chopped off with a massive axe. The trombone player chose the less severe option and now walks with the aid of crutches.

Wednesday, 12 September 2012


Gristle-brained R&B goochbag Chris Brown has been arrested following a brutal assault on his own neck.

According to the police report, Brown became involved in an argument with his neck over a text message. Brown tried to force his neck out of his car before punching himself repeatedly in the side of the throat, causing bleeding. He continued to punch and bite his neck, and twice placed himself in a headlock.

A leaked photograph of Brown’s neck reveals the extent of the damage.

Wednesday, 5 September 2012


Omar Rodriguez-Lopez has been nominated for the prestigious Worst Actor award at this year’s Golden Raspberries for his role in At The Drive In’s reformation shows. The ‘Razzies’ are normally restricted to film, but its organisers have decided to extend its reach to concerts due to the sheer dreadfulness of certain performances.

Rodriguez-Lopez was paid handsomely to play a character that should not have proven too much of a stretch to such a seasoned professional: a slightly younger version of himself. Nevertheless, instead of delivering the motion and energy required by the role, his performance was more akin to Nicholas Cage at his most phoned-in or Bill Murray in that film where he obviously didn't want to be there. One critic even said the performance was “as if that bloke from the Blair Witch Project who stands in the corner with his back to the camera for a bit did exactly that for the entire duration of the movie.” Some fans have also expressed disappointment. An attendee at the bands Brixton Academy show last week likened the experience to paying for a baggie of speed, only to be handed a hardback first edition of John Major’s autobiography One Shade of Grey.

Also nominated are a flailing, howling drunk auntie for her interpretation of Annie Lennox at the Diamond Jubilee Concert and Family Dad creator Seth MacFarlane for his highly inadequate portrayal of a lounge singer at the BBC Proms.

Wednesday, 1 August 2012


Mormon slowcore group Low are not renowned for their onstage physical energy, but tests conducted at Portland University’s Department of Hipster Sciences have proven that frontman Alan Sparhawk exerts more muscles in his face over the course of one gig than hyperactive tween-arouser Justin Bieber uses in his entire body. Alan supplements his vocals with vivid displays of emotional gurning; every individual line, word and syllable is given its own unique and passionate facial expression.

This staple component of the Low live experience has finally backfired, however, as halfway through the group’s recent set at Latitude Festival, a sudden gust of wind caused Sparhawk’s face to stay like that. In the middle of a very moving rendition of ‘Nightingale’, a powerful blast of air travelled across the front of the stage leaving Sparhawk completely paralysed from the neck up. Facially frozen with his lips pursed, eyebrows half raised, one eye closed, a vague sneer to his left-hand cheek, and chin jutting, understandably the singer became rather distressed. Bringing the song to a close, Sparhawk abruptly ended Low’s set by hurling his guitar into the atmosphere and proclaiming, “Everybody hates me. Now even the damn wind hates me!”

Low have cancelled all gigs for the foreseeable future as Alan receives an experimental new form of primal breeze therapy. His mother had warned him this would happen.

Friday, 6 July 2012


Following the appearance of Johnny Rotten on BBC1’s Question Time, David Dimbleby has agreed to join a reformed line-up of legendary punk rockers the Sex Pistols.

Rotten has always admired Dimbleby’s uncompromising role as an impartial mediator of discussion, and encouraged the veteran political commentator to join the band after admitting that his heart wasn’t truly in butter marketing.

The audience at last night’s concert at the Hammersmith Apollo were surprised to discover that the new Sex Pistols line-up included a panel of John Prescott (drums), Baroness Warsi (lead guitar), Will Self (in a sort of Bez role), and some Liberal Democrat.

There are fears that this new approach to performance may compromise the Pistols’ reputation for confrontational live shows, with one audience member complaining that “Personally I found the lengthy discussion of contemporary politico-social issues rather repulsive. We were meant to be furiously wallowing in a nostalgic reverie to our long departed past, not considering the potential merits of a House of Lords reform.”

Dimbleby first met Rotten in Vivienne Westwood’s SEX shop in 1975. He was a founding member of the Sex Pistols and contributed to numerous early recordings before being replaced by Sid Vicious in February 1977.

Wednesday, 4 July 2012


John Entwistle will be the next Director General of the BBC, it has been announced. Described as “a safe pair of hands”, the ex-Who bassist rose to rock stardom before dying of a cocaine-induced heart attack after a night with groupie stripper in 2002.

Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt has voiced his approval of the appointment, saying, “He is someone who is hugely respected throughout the organisation, and outside the organisation. And naturally I am a huge fan of ‘Boris the Spider’”.

A tough challenge even for the living, Entwistle will face the tricky balancing act of attempting to please newspaper critics with serious and original broadcasting while also satisfying millions of licence-fee payers who demand entertainment and sport which the corporation will struggle to deliver thanks to reduced funding and digital competitors.

In summary, expect even more Pete Townshend documentaries on BBC4.

Thursday, 28 June 2012


Louis XIV of France has criticised the new single by prog-pop group Muse, calling the track “a bit over the top for my tastes”. Wearing a bejewelled crown, a bejewelled necklace, and brandishing a sceptre covered in jewels, ‘Le Roi Soleil’ complained that Muse’s mixture of operatic vocals, symphonic strings, big derivative guitar riffs, and meaninglessly sloganeering lyrics was “like being bludgeoned by bombastic obviousness” while holding court at his palace in Versailles beside a portrait of himself riding a horse, surrounded by angels.

An avid connoisseur of high art and music, The Sun King added that singer Matt Bellamy was “like Freddie Mercury without the subtlety”. When pressed further on the issue of Queen, Louis got a little confused and began singing the praises of Maria Theresa of Spain - but then he is 373 years old, bless him.

The single ‘Survival’ has been selected as the Official Anthem of the London 2012 Olympics by the artistic director of the Games, Danny Boyle. Louis XIV confirmed he still owns a VHS copy of the film Trainspotting, but confessed that he hadn’t really followed Boyle’s later work. He also expressed concern that while the ostentatious ceremony and patriotic pomp of events like the Olympics and the Jubilee might be employed as a useful short-term propagandist distraction from Britain’s social and economic difficulties, such shallow and opportunistic political ploys may lead to greater problems further down the line.

Wednesday, 2 May 2012


The record collection of legendary disc jockey Fearne Cotton is now available online. Uploaded by ‘The Void’, an Arts Council funded pop-up site, from today music fans will be able to browse Cotton’s overwhelming collection of over seven records.

“There’ll be information about the record sleeve, all the information about the record itself, as well as whether Fearne rated the album or not,” explained Cotton’s widow Keith Lemon. Cotton famously employed a meticulous 5-star rating system for each piece of music she bought or received. Fearne awarded every item in the collection the full 5 stars, accompanied by additional superlatives such as “mega”, “massive”, “most awesomest ever”, “cool” and “really, really cool”, suggesting that her critical faculties may have been damaged in childhood.

The virtual museum includes such rare curiosities as a first pressing of Mis-Teeq’s 2004 hit ‘Scandalous’, a Foo Fighters greatest hits compilation, and some stuff by The Kooks. It’s not all obscurities though, as the trend-setting DJ also found room for plenty of U2 and Coldplay.

Many of the items have had to be professionally cleaned and restored after suffering significant physical damage from the bestial drool and other bodily products expelled by Cotton’s simian colleague Chris Moyles.

Besides the details of her records, the electronic archive also includes Cotton’s hand-written preparation notes for her ITV2 television vehicle ‘Fearne And…’ Intended for celebrities such as Peaches Geldof, Paris Hilton, and Craig David, a list of hard-hitting, penetrative questions such as “How many shoes do you own?”, “What’s it like being so famous?” and “Can I touch your hair?” can be viewed in their original form, written in blue crayon on the back of some SpongeBob toilet roll.

Cotton died in 2011 after almost ten years at the BBC. She was 65 years old.

Thursday, 22 March 2012


Primavera are to curate this year’s Pitchfork Stage at the All Tomorrow’s Parties festival curated by Bonnaroo. The event will take place in December 2012 or possibly March 2013, in either Minehead, New Jersey or Japan.

Confirmed line-up:
Mogwai, Joanna Newsom, Animal Collective, Panda Bear, Avey Tare, The National, Low, Retribution Gospel Choir, Atlas Sound, Deerhunter, Deerhoof, The Dears, The Antlers, Crystal Antlers, Caribou, Shellac, Battles, Dirty Three, Dinosaur Jr, Sebadoh, Sentridoh, Lou Barlow, The Folk Implosion, Moon Duo, Wooden Shjips, Tindersticks, Jeffrey Lewis & the Novelty Wore Offs, Sleep, Om, Grails, Oneida & Boredoms present the ‘Drums, Drums & More Bloody Drums 36-Hour Drum Extravaganza’, Spiritualized, Best Coast, Real Estate, Ducktails, [insert recently reformed cult ‘80s/‘90s/‘00s indie band here], Melvins, Fleet Foxes, Yo La Tengo, Wilco, a couple of jazz things and a rapper.

There will also be an exciting new contemporary art installation by Turner Prize award winner Martin Creed during which he will put a small thing on top of a larger thing and then sing a song about it in a sub-Fall style.

The Magnetic Fields will not be appearing.

Dress-code is ‘Beards’.

Talking over the bands using hipster slang with the emphasis in the wrong part of the sentence will be actively encouraged.

No food or drink to be brought into the venue. Please eat our hotdogs.

Sunday, 12 February 2012


Insincere and limelight-demanding tributes are lined up from Christina Aguilera, Mariah Carey, and numerous other tune-strangling divas in what promoters are describing as “like Etta James’ wake turned up to eleven!”

Not only will the event help relieve the pain of this great loss but by the time headliner Aguilera throws herself into the key change of “I Will Always Love You”, you’ll have completely forgotten who Whitney Houston was in the first place.


A new musical theatre production centred around songs written by Washington sludge-rock grunge godfathers Melvins has proved astonishingly successful on Broadway, smashing box office records, impressing the critics, and earning a string of nominations for several prestigious awards.

A History of Bad Men was co-written by Buzz Osborne, Dale Crover, and Sir Timothy Rice. The musical is set several years in the future, in a vaguely Orwellian world known as Dog Island, where instruments are forbidden and aspiring musicians are encouraged to get boob jobs and become actresses. The planet is ruled by an evil queen - the Stoner Witch - who asserted her dictatorship after her husband, the king, took his own life. A group of rebels known as the Civilised Worms have been circulating rumours that the Stoner Witch orchestrated the king’s death herself, although their evidence is flimsy at best. In response to the accusations, the Stoner Witch falsely accuses an innocent bystander named Melvin of having tried to inject her husband with a drug overdose and has him incarcerated in a vast filthy prison.

The heroine is a character by the name of Lizzy, also known as the Magic Pig Detective. She is a plucky guitarist who wishes to form her own band and achieve fame without the humiliation of having to flash her breasts or sleep with Billy Corgan, Evan Dando, or TV’s Alan Partridge. Before she can rouse the rebel forces and overthrow the wicked queen however, Lizzy must first determine who is her real father. After discovering her mother’s diary in a piece of moon pie, she narrows her potential Pa down to three possible candidates: it is either Boris, Billy Fish, or the Bloated Pope. After several superfluous renditions of various Melvins tracks, Lizzy decides that it doesn’t really matter who is her biological father as they are all great people, apart from the Bloated Pope who she murders by feeding him to the Night Goat.

Boris, Billy Fish, and Lizzy then ride nude in boots on the back of a talking horse to the Stoner Witch’s Los Angeles palace. Enlisting the help of the Civilised Worms, they overthrow the evil queen by poisoning her with a hog leg, which transforms her into a harmless rat faced granny. With the evil queen defeated, everyone is at liberty to play music once more, Melvin is released from jail, and the production ends with a triumphant performance of ‘Anal Satan’.

A History of Bad Men has received glowing reviews from the international press, attracting praise such as: “audaciously sublime” (The New Yorker), “super awesome” (Rolling Stone), “skull-smashingly mammoth” (Rock-A-Rolla magazine) and “a simultaneously sincere yet ironic experimental discourse on our collective yearning for post-hypnagogic nostalgia and a great night out for all the family” (The Wire).

The producers are planning to bring the show to London’s West End by the end of 2012, where the role of Lizzy will be played by Lily Allen, Minnie Driver has been cast as the Stoner Witch, and the role of Boris has been offered to a confused but amiable Jimmy Osmond.

Friday, 27 January 2012


Guns N’ Roses singer Axl Rose, producer and My Bloody Valentine leader Kevin Shields and rap superstar Dr. Dre have announced tentative plans to form a band together and to think about maybe releasing an album sometime in the relatively near future.

Each member has made a fairly firm commitment to begin recording the initial tracks for the project within the next 36 months. The as-yet-untitled album will be recorded at Axl Rose’s Malibu mansion/hermit cave after which Shields will transport the tapes back to his London home studio for mastering. When this process is complete, Shields will prove he has not forgotten about Dre by posting the results back to Los Angeles where the rapper will remix the album before spending as long as it takes to invent and develop the groundbreaking headphone technology required to do justice to the phenomenal music. The project intends to meld the contributors’ disparate styles in a fresh and unique fashion. Embellishing Dre’s old-school hip-hop beats with Axl’s authoritative cock-rock vocals and Shields’ washes of shoegaze guitar, the trio hope to invent the entirely new genre of ‘hipcockgaze’.

The album’s release date is currently pencilled in for Autumn 2028, although this may alter depending on the availability and schedules of proposed guest vocalists Kate Bush, Beth Gibbons and that bloke from The La’s.

Tuesday, 10 January 2012


Sir Paul McCartney has rejected the advice of his friends, family and personal psychiatrist by giving his new solo record the needlessly provocative title Kiss My Black Ass.

Sir Paul has explained that the LP takes its name from the lyrics of gangsta rap group NWA’s 1990 track ‘100 Miles and Runnin’ which McCartney covers on the album. The lyrics in question are:
Now wearin’ my dyes ‘cause I’m not stupid, motherf***ers / They’re out to take our heads for what we said in the past / Point blank, they can kiss my black ass.

The rest of the album consists of other hardcore hip-hip songs which have inspired McCartney over the years, including Body Count’s ‘Cop Killer’, Snoop Dogg’s ‘Murder Was The Case’, DMX’s ‘Where The Hood At’ and Lil’ Kim’s ‘Big Momma Thang’.

The album has been recorded with legendary producer Tommy LiPuma and features appearances from Diana Krall, Stevie Wonder and Ghostface Killah. Sir Paul has even managed to persuade Eric Clapton to play electric guitar on a version of Public Enemy’s ‘Fear Of A Black Planet’ in spite of Clapton’s reputation for being a massive racist.

When challenged over the album title’s potential for causing offence on account of its profanity and appropriation of African-American cultural slang, the Liverpudlian Just For Men fanatic replied: “I can do whatever the s*** I like, motherf***er. I’m Sir motherf***ing Paul motherf***ing McCartney, bitch! I was in the greatest motherf***ing rock band in the history of the motherf***ing world. And before Wings I was also in The Beatles.”