FEARNE COTTON'S RECORD COLLECTION GOES ONLINE

The record collection of legendary disc jockey Fearne Cotton is now available online. Uploaded by ‘The Void’, an Arts Council funded pop-up site, from today music fans will be able to browse Cotton’s overwhelming collection of over seven records.

“There’ll be information about the record sleeve, all the information about the record itself, as well as whether Fearne rated the album or not,” explained Cotton’s widow Keith Lemon. Cotton famously employed a meticulous 5-star rating system for each piece of music she bought or received. Fearne awarded every item in the collection the full 5 stars, accompanied by additional superlatives such as “mega”, “massive”, “most awesomest ever”, “cool” and “really, really cool”, suggesting that her critical faculties may have been damaged in childhood.

The virtual museum includes such rare curiosities as a first pressing of Mis-Teeq’s 2004 hit ‘Scandalous’, a Foo Fighters greatest hits compilation, and some stuff by The Kooks. It’s not all obscurities though, as the trend-setting DJ also found room for plenty of U2 and Coldplay.

Many of the items have had to be professionally cleaned and restored after suffering significant physical damage from the bestial drool and other bodily products expelled by Cotton’s simian colleague Chris Moyles.

Besides the details of her records, the electronic archive also includes Cotton’s hand-written preparation notes for her ITV2 television vehicle ‘Fearne And…’ Intended for celebrities such as Peaches Geldof, Paris Hilton, and Craig David, a list of hard-hitting, penetrative questions such as “How many shoes do you own?”, “What’s it like being so famous?” and “Can I touch your hair?” can be viewed in their original form, written in blue crayon on the back of some SpongeBob toilet roll.

Cotton died in 2011 after almost ten years at the BBC. She was 65 years old.

CHRIS MOYLES ACCUSES BBC OF PINCHING HIS DINNER MONEY

Warthog-faced breakfast DJ Chris Moyles started his show last Tuesday with a half hour rant against the BBC in which he accused the corporation of stealing his dinner money, calling him horrible names behind his back, and giving him a Chinese burn until his arm went bright red and really very sore.

Early reports suggested that Moyles was looking forward to spending the dinner money on two beef baguettes, ten packets of crisps (six cheese and onion, two smoky bacon, and two prawn cocktail), eight kingsize Mars Bars, and a Curly Wurly at the BBC tuckshop.

A small number of the nicknames he is believed to have been called by other BBC employees in the past few weeks are as follows: Fatty Arbuckle, Lard Arse, Pie Face, Swollen Bollock Head, Piss Boils, Blubber Tits, Jabba the Hutt, Jabba the Glut, and Jabba the F***ing C**t.

The Chinese burn is thought to be a metaphorical one of some kind.

The sudden “disrespectful treatment” of the burger-inhaling disc jockey is part of the BBC’s new crackdown on bullying in the workplace; the latest solution being piloted by the broadcasting company is “to fight bullying with bullying.” It seems, therefore, that the bloated kebab swallower has objected to a taste of his own hate-filled medicine; in the six years since he took over the Radio 1 Breakfast Show the waddling human beer-belly has regularly used the word “gay” as a derogatory insult, referred to women as “slags” and “dirty whores”, had his “team” (or “gang”) pin down BBC admin assistants of both sexes while he administered painful wedgies, and once tied a female intern to a chair, instructed “Comedy Dave” to hold her mouth wide open with his pastry-encrusted fingers while Moyles shoved scrunched-up signed photographs of his own balloon-jowlled face down her throat until she could no longer breathe, all because she could not adequately explain the offside rule.

Moyles’ mummy, in the meantime, has denied that her beloved son has ever bullied anybody and says that he doesn’t have to go in if he doesn’t want to until the issue is resolved.