Tuesday, 28 September 2010


Warthog-faced breakfast DJ Chris Moyles started his show last Tuesday with a half hour rant against the BBC in which he accused the corporation of stealing his dinner money, calling him horrible names behind his back, and giving him a Chinese burn until his arm went bright red and really very sore.

Early reports suggested that Moyles was looking forward to spending the dinner money on two beef baguettes, ten packets of crisps (six cheese and onion, two smoky bacon, and two prawn cocktail), eight kingsize Mars Bars, and a Curly Wurly at the BBC tuckshop.

A small number of the nicknames he is believed to have been called by other BBC employees in the past few weeks are as follows: Fatty Arbuckle, Lard Arse, Pie Face, Swollen Bollock Head, Piss Boils, Blubber Tits, Jabba the Hutt, Jabba the Glut, and Jabba the F***ing C**t.

The Chinese burn is thought to be a metaphorical one of some kind.

The sudden “disrespectful treatment” of the burger-inhaling disc jockey is part of the BBC’s new crackdown on bullying in the workplace; the latest solution being piloted by the broadcasting company is “to fight bullying with bullying.” It seems, therefore, that the bloated kebab swallower has objected to a taste of his own hate-filled medicine; in the six years since he took over the Radio 1 Breakfast Show the waddling human beer-belly has regularly used the word “gay” as a derogatory insult, referred to women as “slags” and “dirty whores”, had his “team” (or “gang”) pin down BBC admin assistants of both sexes while he administered painful wedgies, and once tied a female intern to a chair, instructed “Comedy Dave” to hold her mouth wide open with his pastry-encrusted fingers while Moyles shoved scrunched-up signed photographs of his own balloon-jowlled face down her throat until she could no longer breathe, all because she could not adequately explain the offside rule.

Moyles’ mummy, in the meantime, has denied that her beloved son has ever bullied anybody and says that he doesn’t have to go in if he doesn’t want to until the issue is resolved.

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