Thursday, 9 September 2010


In an interview with a UK broadsheet newspaper at the weekend, ex-Smiths warbler Morrissey revealed the amalgamation of two of his most notorious viewpoints: his militant vegetarianism and his massive racism. During the Q&A, which was conducted by celebrity Smiths fan and dour northern poet Arman Simontage, the bequiffed misanthrope suggested that the farming of innocent animals should be halted immediately, and that meat-eaters who were still addicted to flesh could have their cravings satisfied by the mass slaughter and consumption of immigrants, both legal and illegal.

Though not pressed on the issue by Simontage, who was distracted in the task of attempting to push into Morrissey’s moisturized hand an unrequested signed copy of his latest underwhelming collection, Another Muted Autumn, Morrissey was given a small amount of time and column space to explain that the scheme would succeed in “killing two birds with one stone.” He added that this was merely a figure of speech and that anybody who willingly killed even one actual bird, by stoning or any other method, was subhuman and would definitely burn in hell forever and ever and ever.

Human rights activists have been up in arms at the revelation, demanding that Morrissey retract his offensive comments, whilst Morrissey’s fans have continued to enthusiastically purchase his records and concert tickets even though this is just one incident in a long line which reveal their hero to be a thoroughly dislikable scrotum.

Unfortunately for the Mancunian xenophobe, the plan has backfired somewhat as his solution to the perceived immigrant problem has proven so popular in Italy that the policy has been immediately implemented by Berlusconi’s government, and, as Morrissey himself spends most of his time residing in Rome, it has been arranged that as soon as he arrives back in the country after his current promotional tour he is to be baked into a fat lasagna.

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