SUDDEN WIND CHANGE CAUSES ALAN SPARHAWK'S FACE TO STAY LIKE THAT

Mormon slowcore group Low are not renowned for their onstage physical energy, but tests conducted at Portland University’s Department of Hipster Sciences have proven that frontman Alan Sparhawk exerts more muscles in his face over the course of one gig than hyperactive tween-arouser Justin Bieber uses in his entire body. Alan supplements his vocals with vivid displays of emotional gurning; every individual line, word and syllable is given its own unique and passionate facial expression.

This staple component of the Low live experience has finally backfired, however, as halfway through the group’s recent set at Latitude Festival, a sudden gust of wind caused Sparhawk’s face to stay like that. In the middle of a very moving rendition of ‘Nightingale’, a powerful blast of air travelled across the front of the stage leaving Sparhawk completely paralysed from the neck up. Facially frozen with his lips pursed, eyebrows half raised, one eye closed, a vague sneer to his left-hand cheek, and chin jutting, understandably the singer became rather distressed. Bringing the song to a close, Sparhawk abruptly ended Low’s set by hurling his guitar into the atmosphere and proclaiming, “Everybody hates me. Now even the damn wind hates me!”

Low have cancelled all gigs for the foreseeable future as Alan receives an experimental new form of primal breeze therapy. His mother had warned him this would happen.