PAUL AND RINGO TO FIGHT TO THE DEATH AT GRAMMY AWARDS

It has been confirmed that this week’s Grammy Awards ceremony will include a very special performance, as Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr will fight one another to the death in order to finally determine who will become the last surviving Beatle.

Speculation has been mounting since Starr “called out” McCartney on his All-Starr Band’s 2010 album Live at the Greek Theatre. The spectacle will be a treat for all Beatles enthusiasts, promising to come close to the unsurpassable level of thrilling tenseness captured in the footage of the Let It Be recording sessions.

The duo will perform a couple of their old hits one final, poignant time before each selecting a weapon from the gladiatorial arsenal at stage left. The audience will be encouraged to chant the “na na na” bit from the end of ‘Hey Jude’ over and over again until one ex-member of the Fab Four ceases to breathe. The victor will then be crowned with an apple-shaped coronet and the loser’s body thrown into a skip round the back with host LL Cool J’s discarded jokes and Robin Thicke’s latest victims.

Commenting on the imminent tussle, Sir Paul McCartney said, “I love Ringo, y’now, oh yeah, woooooo. He’s a brother, y’know, oooooooh, a brother to me, all right, wooooooh, yeah. But we gotta sort this out, y’know? Ooooooh. Oh yeah.”

Not-Sir Ringo Starr MBE had these firm words for his opponent: “That asshole is going down, man. Peace and love, peace and love. I’m gonna teach him pain the likes of which he’s never imagined in his worst nightmares. Peace and love, peace and love. He is one dead motherf***er. Peace and love, peace and love.”

The evening will then climax with Dave Grohl and Josh Homme collaborating on some really weak shit.

UNCHARACTERISTICALLY CONFRONTATIONAL MCCARTNEY NAMES NEW ALBUM "KISS MY BLACK ASS"

Sir Paul McCartney has rejected the advice of his friends, family and personal psychiatrist by giving his new solo record the needlessly provocative title Kiss My Black Ass.

Sir Paul has explained that the LP takes its name from the lyrics of gangsta rap group NWA’s 1990 track ‘100 Miles and Runnin’ which McCartney covers on the album. The lyrics in question are:
“Now wearin’ my dyes ‘cause I’m not stupid, motherf***ers / They’re out to take our heads for what we said in the past / Point blank, they can kiss my black ass.”

The rest of the album consists of other hardcore hip-hip songs which have inspired McCartney over the years, including Body Count’s ‘Cop Killer’, Snoop Dogg’s ‘Murder Was The Case’, DMX’s ‘Where The Hood At’ and Lil’ Kim’s ‘Big Momma Thang’.

The album has been recorded with legendary producer Tommy LiPuma and features appearances from Diana Krall, Stevie Wonder and Ghostface Killah. Sir Paul has even managed to persuade Eric Clapton to play electric guitar on a version of Public Enemy’s ‘Fear Of A Black Planet’ in spite of Clapton’s reputation for being a massive racist.

When challenged over the album title’s potential for causing offence on account of its profanity and appropriation of African-American cultural slang, the Liverpudlian Just For Men fanatic replied: “I can do whatever the s*** I like, motherf***er. I’m Sir motherf***ing Paul motherf***ing McCartney, bitch! I was in the greatest motherf***ing rock band in the history of the motherf***ing world. And before Wings I was also in The Beatles.”