PROTESTERS AT GLASTONBURY TO DEMONSTRATE AGAINST U2'S FAILURE TO PAY LARRY

Campaigners at this year’s Glastonbury Festival are planning to stage a demonstration during U2’s headlining set, voicing their opposition to the multimillionaire group’s avoidance of paying Larry Mullen, Jr.

It has recently come to light that since U2’s formation Larry has technically been under contract as an unpaid intern, with limited access to tour catering and a minimal rider allowance. When not on tour, Larry earns a living by giving drum lessons to schoolchildren in Dublin and gigging with U2 tribute band “U2(ii)”.

Campaigners have highlighted U2’s hypocrisy in pretending to care for the developing world, playing numerous high profile benefit gigs such as Live Aid, Live 8 and various other Boomtown Rats shows, and imploring their fans to donate their hard earned cash to good causes, whilst at the same time being so greedy themselves as to not even pay their own drummer. The protesters have promised to stop short of actually disrupting U2’s set, but are determined to make their demonstration highly visible by waving giant banners displaying slogans such as “Bono Pay Larry” and “Make Larry’s Poverty History” and by wearing giant cardboard cut-out masks of a sad-faced Larry with the words “Poor Larry” written across the forehead.

Chastity Goodall, an evangelical Christian, lifelong U2 enthusiast, and member of the Delirious? fan club, said “I love U2 almost as much as I love Our Lord Jesus Christ, but it is appalling that they continue to neglect Larry in this way. Larry is an integral part of the U2 dynamic and he is every bit as important as Bono, The Edge or the other one.” Then she started banging on about the eye of a needle or something.

GLASTONBURY GOERS WELCOME LINE-UP UNLIKELY TO DISTRACT FROM THEIR PRINCIPAL INTENTION OF GETTING SHIT-FACED

photo © 2009 Unofficial Glastonbury Festival more info (via: Wylio)

The full line-up for this year’s Glastonbury Festival was revealed this week, and has so far been enthusiastically praised by the majority of ticket-holders as there remains little danger of the music distracting from their primary concerns of watching jugglers, purchasing amusing headwear, lying facedown in the sun/mud, aimlessly wandering around talking drivel, and getting totally dribble-headed on all manner of legal and illegal herbal and chemical intoxicants.

Cassandra Palmer-Smythe, a student from Tunbridge Wells, tweeted: “Fought there wuz gonna be some propa legends on the bill. Luckily, U2 and Coldplay, innit. More time for ket wiv da boyz. Lol!”

With a line-up which also includes Elbow, Morrissey, Biffy Clyro, Mumford & Sons, Glasvegas, and Kaiser Chiefs, festival-goers have been relieved to know that there is very little reason to visit the major stages at all, and that they can simply relax and enjoy themselves safe in the knowledge that they will not be missing anything of any consequence or substance whatsoever.

Jasper Carter-Floyd, a marketing executive from Oxford who has been attending the festival since his teens, blogged: “Man, I remember when they used to have half-decent acts on. It was really rather dreadful. One year I spent two hours completely sober because I’d left some stuff back at Daddy’s camper van and couldn’t drag myself away from The Cure. Won’t have that trouble this year. Going to get really, really blathered.”

Organiser Emily Eavis emphasized that polls had proven that attendees had more fun when the acts booked were little more than background noise, even if this meant, paradoxically, spending more money on the headliners. Not all the bands which will be performing this year are completely mind-numbingly boring, but those which might excite have been kept to a bare minimum, whilst two of those acts, the Wu-Tang Clan and Beyoncé, are of African-American descent. They are thus unlikely to attract the attention of a large number of the festival goers, many of whom are, as proven by the controversy of Jay-Z’s headlining slot in 2008, massively intolerant hip-hop-hating racists.

Timothy “Peace Dragon” Dewhurst, a hippy who has been attending the festival religiously since its inception in the ‘70s, did not choose to announce his thoughts on the line-up via the medium of Twitter, instead choosing to stroll into Bristol city centre wearing a wizard’s hat and a glittery cape and announcing through a handmade cardboard loudhailer: “It used to be about the music maaan. Music and love. Love and music. You, me, the pagan brethren. I mean… for a start, where the hell are Hawkwind?”

When asked if he would be boycotting the festival, Mr. Dewhurst confirmed that he was still looking forward to The Crazy World of Arthur Brown on the Friday.