PJ HARVEY'S MERCURY WIN PUTS AN END TO ALL WAR

Critics of the Mercury Music Prize’s supposed meaninglessness have been silenced after PJ Harvey’s win for Let England Shake has put a stop to all warfare. The album did not get the reception it deserved upon its initial release in February but now, thanks to the exposure of the Mercury win, the world has finally paid heed to its powerful peace-promoting message and laid down its arms.

All current military conflicts have ceased, including those in Iraq and Afghanistan, after warmongers everywhere saw the error of their ways thanks to the West Country songsmith with a crow on her head.

On announcing the immediate withdrawal of troops, Liam Fox, the British Secretary of State for Defence, said: “I guess none of us really realised that war is bad before. But it is. War is bad. It is really, really bad. The world knows this now. And we have PJ Harvey to thank for that.”

Elsewhere, the Israeli-Palestine conflict has been put to bed and a ceasefire agreed after leaders on both sides tuned in to BBC2’s coverage of the prize presented by Lauren Laverne before immediately seeking out Let England Shake on Spotify. A joint Israeli-Palestine statement read: “We are glad to announce the end of the Israeli-Palestine conflict and are now entering a process for establishing a permanent peace along the West Bank and Gaza strip. It never occurred to us that war is bad before. But it is. It is really, really bad. Even when we listened to Let England Shake’s first track about Gallipoli we were somewhat unconvinced. The second track about Gallipoli, well that started to win us over a little, but we remained cynical. By the time the third track about Gallipoli kicked in, however, boy were we converted! War is bad! War is actually bad! It isn’t good, it’s bad. Thanks PJ!”

Meanwhile, Brummie brit-poppers Ocean Colour Scene, who (criminally) have never been nominated for the Mercury, are said to be slightly annoyed with the furore over Harvey’s record. When they radically announced to the world that war was bad in their 1999 single ‘Profit in Peace’, for some reason nobody gave a shit. But in honour of their unacknowledged efforts, in memory of the fallen, and in celebration of a new era of world peace established by the power of music and the impact of the Barclaycard Mercury Prize, let us reflect for a moment upon those deeply moving lyrics:

Hey, we don’t wanna fight no more
Hey, hey hey, we don’t wanna fight no more
But there’s no profit in peace
So we gotta fight some more
La la la
War is bad
La la la
War is bad
War is bad
War is ba-la-la-la-baaaad…

JACK WHITE TAKES FIRST STEP IN HEROIC MISSION TO BECOME LESS POPULAR THAN GARY GLITTER

Jack White’s new collaboration with the Insane Clown Posse has catapulted the singer/guitarist for the first time ever into the number 1 position of most unpopular ex-member of the White Stripes. Meg White may have been worse at drumming than a one-armed Thunderbirds puppet, but at least she never collaborated with a pair of bigoted, make-up-wearing, fizzy-pop-spilling, inarticulate, sporadically Christian, professional wrestling, crap-rapping plonkers.

It is unclear whether Jack White has embarked on this strange project in reaction to the mental strain caused by his former enormous successes or as some kind of crazy bet, perhaps trying to outdo Lou Reed who has recently hooked up with washed-up metal buffoons Metallica.

It has been estimated that this move has elevated White to a level of unpopularity approaching that of Fred Durst, Jim Davidson, Fearne Cotton, Ben Elton, Sex and the City 2, Sally Bercow, and M. Night Shyamalan.

White still has someway to go, however, before attracting the dizzy heights of hatred reserved for the likes of Glitter, Gaddafi, Skeletor, Heather Mills, the cast of Jersey Shore, the woman who put that cat in the bin, Nick Griffin, the cast of Geordie Shore, or the opera singing jingle dickhead from Go Compare.