MARIAH CAREY'S TWINS ALREADY SICK OF MOTHER SHOWING OFF HER VOCAL RANGE

They’ve only been in the world a matter of days, but Mariah Carey’s newborn twins have already expressed their distaste for their ma’s incessant multi-octave warbling.

The good twin, Monroe Angel Fluffybunny Carey, revealed her aversion to her mom’s caterwauling by bursting into tears when Carey self-indulgently played one of her own CDs to the infants almost immediately after labour. Much to her mother’s surprise and concern, Monroe reacts in a similar manner almost every time Mariah plays one of her own records to the babies (which is often).

The evil twin, Moroccan Scott Hero Carey, meanwhile, was so incensed by his exposure to such an appalling noise at such a young, innocent age, that he has miraculously mastered the power of speech simply in order to articulate his outrage. “I mean, her voice is pleasant enough I suppose,” the 0-year old explained, “but why does she perpetually insist on inserting all those extra notes where they are not supposed to be? She even does it during Baa Baa Black Sheep for God’s sake.”

Moroccan then became distracted by a brightly coloured shape, at which he sat staring, blinking for a few minutes, before focusing his attention once more and adding, “And don’t get me started on that ridiculously high-pitched shriek she does at the end of virtually every song. It sounds like a damaged cat having a fisticuffs with a castrated blackboard.”

GLASTONBURY GOERS WELCOME LINE-UP UNLIKELY TO DISTRACT FROM THEIR PRINCIPAL INTENTION OF GETTING SHIT-FACED

photo © 2009 Unofficial Glastonbury Festival more info (via: Wylio)

The full line-up for this year’s Glastonbury Festival was revealed this week, and has so far been enthusiastically praised by the majority of ticket-holders as there remains little danger of the music distracting from their primary concerns of watching jugglers, purchasing amusing headwear, lying facedown in the sun/mud, aimlessly wandering around talking drivel, and getting totally dribble-headed on all manner of legal and illegal herbal and chemical intoxicants.

Cassandra Palmer-Smythe, a student from Tunbridge Wells, tweeted: “Fought there wuz gonna be some propa legends on the bill. Luckily, U2 and Coldplay, innit. More time for ket wiv da boyz. Lol!”

With a line-up which also includes Elbow, Morrissey, Biffy Clyro, Mumford & Sons, Glasvegas, and Kaiser Chiefs, festival-goers have been relieved to know that there is very little reason to visit the major stages at all, and that they can simply relax and enjoy themselves safe in the knowledge that they will not be missing anything of any consequence or substance whatsoever.

Jasper Carter-Floyd, a marketing executive from Oxford who has been attending the festival since his teens, blogged: “Man, I remember when they used to have half-decent acts on. It was really rather dreadful. One year I spent two hours completely sober because I’d left some stuff back at Daddy’s camper van and couldn’t drag myself away from The Cure. Won’t have that trouble this year. Going to get really, really blathered.”

Organiser Emily Eavis emphasized that polls had proven that attendees had more fun when the acts booked were little more than background noise, even if this meant, paradoxically, spending more money on the headliners. Not all the bands which will be performing this year are completely mind-numbingly boring, but those which might excite have been kept to a bare minimum, whilst two of those acts, the Wu-Tang Clan and Beyoncé, are of African-American descent. They are thus unlikely to attract the attention of a large number of the festival goers, many of whom are, as proven by the controversy of Jay-Z’s headlining slot in 2008, massively intolerant hip-hop-hating racists.

Timothy “Peace Dragon” Dewhurst, a hippy who has been attending the festival religiously since its inception in the ‘70s, did not choose to announce his thoughts on the line-up via the medium of Twitter, instead choosing to stroll into Bristol city centre wearing a wizard’s hat and a glittery cape and announcing through a handmade cardboard loudhailer: “It used to be about the music maaan. Music and love. Love and music. You, me, the pagan brethren. I mean… for a start, where the hell are Hawkwind?”

When asked if he would be boycotting the festival, Mr. Dewhurst confirmed that he was still looking forward to The Crazy World of Arthur Brown on the Friday.

TORY PARTY COMMITS SUICIDE FOLLOWING INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP WITH COURTNEY LOVE

photo © 2010 rufus more info (via: Wylio) The dead body of the Conservative Party has been discovered, a few days after having committed suicide. The party’s difficulties had been widely reported, and this was not the first instance of the government attempting such an act. The Conservatives were known to have been struggling with depression for some time, and found trouble dealing with their new-found fame and fortune following their successful 2010 election campaign.

Courtney Love, rock-star lover and confidante of the party, had hired private investigators when the Conservatives went missing following the delivery of Chancellor George Osborne’s budget on 23 March, 2011. Love’s relationship with the Tories had become increasingly intimate of late. As well as dating the art-dealing heir to the Baron Hindlip peerage, Henry Allsopp, last year she attended a debate organized by Oxford University’s Conservative Association, and was subsequently awarded the post of “non-executive officer for rock ‘n’ roll”, whilst her tweets have included such naïve, ill-informed, and cloud-headed slogans such as “TORY NOW”.

Party leader and Prime Minister David Cameron was found by a maintenance man in one of the rooms of his 10 Downing Street home, a shotgun resting on his chest with which he had shot himself in his smooth, rubbery face. A suicide note was found nearby in which Cameron lamented his loss of enthusiasm for the world of politics:

For example, we’re backstage at the party conference and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowd begins. It doesn’t affect me in way in which it did for, say, John Major, who seemed to relish in the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn’t fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun…

Cameron had been listening to the latest album by REM.

Next door, Osborne’s body was discovered, the Chancellor having overdosed on an excessive cocktail of champagne, Rohypnol, and caviar. He was rushed to hospital, but medics were unable to revive the helmet-conked smarm-bucket.

Michael Gove, meanwhile, arranged a tragic suicide pact with Boris Johnson, in which the weasel-shaped Education Secretary strapped explosives to his body and commanded the fluff-headed Mayor of London to give him a croggy on his right-wing bicycle straight into a struggling South London comprehensive, before blowing the building, and themselves, sky high.

Many other Conservative MPs (too many to mention individually) have been found dead the length and breadth of the country, though mostly in the southern part of the land. The body of Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg was also discovered, though as he was not officially a Conservative the incident is thought to be a copycat suicide.

Conspiracy theorists have suggested that the death may in fact have been murder, that Love herself is directly involved, and that the obliteration of the Conservatives had been her plan all along. When pushed, however, most admitted that Courtney possessed neither the brains nor the tact to pull off such a remarkable feat.

Tributes to the Conservatives have been taking place worldwide, with fans gathering in their hundreds to commemorate their idols by burning candles, reciting the words of Cameron’s best-loved speeches, murdering foxes, mugging the poor, needy and ill-bodied, and offering sycophantic fellatio to workers from the banking sector.

LADY GAGA TO DIVORCE SEAN PENN

Lady Gaga has announced she is to divorce the movie star Sean Penn, claiming the split to be amicable. The apparent “Queen of Pop”, who is of Italian descent and emerged from the New York club scene, has become a global superstar in recent years by peddling catchy synth-pop hits whilst flirting publicly with bisexuality, appropriating ideas from the underground gay scene, making numerous outrageous fashion statements, and embracing taboo subjects and provocative imagery in her lyrics, videos and concerts (sadomasochism, same-sex kissing and brief nudity have all been employed, and Catholic imagery has been adopted and exploited, leading to accusations of blasphemy). Hailed by some as an embodiment of female empowerment, others see her as a cynical opportunist who will stop at nothing to inflate her personal fame and fortune.

Sean Penn is said to have become bemused as well as irritated when an interviewer raised the touchy subject with him; the actor then quickly steered the conversation back to his latest film project and his extensive political and social charity work. Gaga’s personal life has been the subject of much speculation since she announced the split, and rumours have been rife. Consequently, both Dennis Rodman and Guy Ritchie are said to be troubled by the news, whilst Warren Beatty has already filed a preemptive restraining order.


“Hegel remarks somewhere that all facts and personages of great importance in world history occur, as it were, twice. He forgot to add: the first time as tragedy, the second as farce.”
Karl Marx, The Eighteenth Brumaire of Louis Bonaparte

ITV ANNOUNCES LAUNCH OF PRIMETIME 'NOISE IDOL'

Noise music’s popularity has been steadily growing in recent years, with increased press exposure, specialist noise festivals springing up worldwide, a bigger presence at cross-genre festivals, and the endorsement and patronage of influential musicians such as Thurston Moore. And now it looks set to finally hit the mainstream, with the announcement of ITV1’s new Saturday night reality series Noise Idol.

The show, which is masterminded by executive producers Simon Cowell, Simon Fuller, and Tommy Keränen from Testicle Hazard, hopes to discover the next British Noise superstar, by auditioning hundreds of budding amateur glitch/drone/feedback artists. In front of a panel of celebrity judges, the contestants will be given the once in a lifetime opportunity to show off their din-making skills by performing either a self-penned composition or improvisation, or a cover version selected from a list of classic Noise hits, including Merzbow’s Degradation of Tapes, Wolf Eyes’ Stabbed in the Face, Whitehouse’s Wriggle Like a Fucking Eel, and Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music (Side 4).

On the judging panel will sit No Fun Productions’ Carlos Giffoni, L.A. serial noise collaborator John Wiese, French “harsh wall noise” artist Romain Perrot (aka Vomir), and Britain’s Got Talent’s Amanda Holden. Vomir, who is known for always performing with a bin-bag over his head in order to shut out any distraction (many of his fans do the same), will persist in donning the bag for the filming of the show, and yet will still manage to look less plastic than Holden, with her nauseatingly botoxed face, and dead, dead eyes.

An ITV press insider explained that, although Holden may not be a qualified expert on the Noise genre, she had managed to judge Britain’s Got Talent to great success despite the impingement of having none whatsoever herself. They added that ITV’s ratings were guaranteed to go through the roof every time she forced melodramatic tears down her pretend cheeks, and that, during the pilot, she cried for virtually the entire duration of Sheila from Glasgow’s forty-seven minute repetitive-scrape-jam rendition of Crowning the Fur Purse by Prick Decay.

As is customary, ITV3 will broadcast a sister show directly following the main programme. “Noise Idol Xtra” will discuss each week’s performances and results, victors and evictees, with special celebrity guests, and will be co-hosted by Konnie Huq from Blue Peter and the man from The Haters who always wears some sort of leather gimp mask. "Well, at least it's not Adrian Chiles," joked Huq.

PANICKED RADIOHEAD QUICKLY RECORDING NEW ALBUM IN TIME FOR SATURDAY

Oxford über-whingers Radiohead are currently in the process of rush-recording their new album, entitled Kinky Limbs. Having got carried away with concocting supposedly innovative marketing techniques, and plotting a surprise release date, it completely slipped the band’s minds to actually produce any fresh material.

The release of Kinky Limbs was announced on Monday, to worldwide excitement amongst people who think they listen to “weird stuff” but whose tastes are in reality demonstrably conservative.

A source close to the band told us that Radiohead, who are currently in the studio with producer Nigel Godrich trying to churn shit out quicker than an industrial sewage pipe, are confident that they can come up with the goods by Saturday’s release date, that the band work well to tight deadlines, and that, if need be, they could always resort to throwing in one or two Jeff Buckley covers, or simply producing a collection of inferior versions of their former glories like they did for In Rainbows, a record which nevertheless proved massively successful with listeners who think they like music but don’t really.

BOB DYLAN'S NOSE SUING BOB DYLAN'S THROAT OVER UNPAID ROYALTIES

Bob Dylan’s nose has launched a lawsuit against Bob Dylan’s throat, claiming to be owed millions of dollars in royalty payments.

“Ah wuz Bob’s co-writuh, collaboratuh, an’ instrument of choice for forty-three yeurz, man, an’ ah wuz responsible for the sound that made him famous… the one mos’ folk can achieve only by wearin’ a peg,” said Bob Dylan’s nose. However, in late 2004 Dylan dropped his nose, citing “musical differences”, replacing it with his throat who has continued to tour with Dylan, playing mostly songs originally written with the hooter, now performed in a much more gravelly, but equally unpleasant, fashion. “Ah helped tuh craft an’ record those classic hits”, explained the nose, “which that phlegmy larynx haz hijacked an’ iz uzing tuh make himself millions in tour profits… you get me? He needz tuh pay hiz duez.”

Dylan’s first UK post-conk gig, at Manchester Evening News Arena in November ‘05 was a near disaster, at which a small number of Dylan’s older fans, disgruntled by the lack of nasal whining, heckled the singer-songwriter with taunts such as “JUDAS!”, “TRAITOR”, and “I OUGHT TO BUNG YOU UP MYSELF, ARSEHOLE!” Dylan’s more accommodating fans have since forgiven him, accustomed as they are to the musical legend’s minor, yet somehow controversial, spontaneous swerves in direction (such as abandoning acoustic guitars in favour of electrics, rejecting his Jewish heritage in favour of born again Christianity, and replacing inspirational protest songs with hastily-composed incomprehensible dirges about the apparent merits of Alicia Keys), and Dylan has continued to tour successfully throughout the world, performing to legions of frazzled beards and hipster twits.

The court case is set to go to trial sometime this March, as Dylan takes a break from his ongoing ‘Never Entertaining Tour’.

Bob Dylan’s throat, meanwhile, has been unavailable for comment, and is said to be busy working on a track called “I only coughed to say I love you” in collaboration with Tom Waits’ tar-coated oesophagus.