SPINAL BAP'S TOP ALBUMS OF 2010

The xXx - xXx
Unenthusiastic disco-goth featuring an unusually subdued Vin Deisel.

Janelle Monáe - The ArchAndroid
So ground-breaking, forward-thinking, and futuristic it didn’t even have gaps between the songs. Like Madonna’s Confessions on the Dancefloor. From 2005.

Robyn - Body Talk
SHE’S THE CREDIBLE FACE OF POP MUSIC
SHE’S THE CREDIBLE FACE OF POP MUSIC
SHE’S THE CREDIBLE FACE OF POP MUSIC
SHE’S THE CREDIBLE FACE OF POP…
Why aren’t you listening?
What do you mean you’re not interested?
Hello?

Katy Perry - Teenage Dream
An album as refreshing as having an ignorant Californian partygirl spray Bacardi hangover piss into your eyes and mouth whilst Snoop Doggy Dogg does a bit of a rap.

Gorillaz - Plastic Beach
Following the success of this record, Gorillaz mainman Murdoc plans to spend 2011 working on his conceptual cartoon band Blur. The “band” is made up of fictional characters based on age-old rock clichés who perform contrived novelty pop music for children. The members are “Damon” (the sanctimonious one), “Graham” (the misunderstood one), “Dave” (the boring one), and “Alex” (the floppy-haired cheese-making cunt). The project is a collaboration with Murdoc’s old flatmate, Arnold from Hey Arnold!

Hawkwind - Yes, We Are Still Going
Hawkwind are actually still going. This was their 283rd LP, they spent last month touring the UK, and currently live in what band leader Dave Brock believes to be a inter-dimensional multi-galactic quantum spaceship (a pokey bed-sit with tin foil for wallpaper and an overabundance of lava-lamps).

Michael Jackson - Yes, I did those things to those boys
Surprisingly confessional posthumous album from the late King of Pop.

Joanna Newsom - Have One (or rather, have eighteen) On Me
A record so needlessly long if you tried to sit through the whole thing in one go you’d end up with hair as long as Newsom’s herself and as well as a crippling physical aversion of all harps. But you can avoid listening to her warbling faux-folk hippyisms and still enjoy the album by not even playing the record and simply staring longingly at the many beautifully composed artful photographs of the singer’s long, stocking-clad legs which Newsom so generously included in the insert.

Vampire Weekend - Cuntra
Who says vampires have to hang around in coffins drinking blood and avoiding garlic? Some turn up in broad daylight, slap-bang in the middle billing of some popular indie festival, and proceed to play the kind of material Paul Simon himself would dismiss as “a little too Radio 2”.

Cher and Christina Aguilera - Burlesque Soundtrack
No, no, you’re quite mistaken. Burlesque in fact differs significantly from the humiliating and degrading practices of stripping or lapdancing. It involves elements of satire and vaudeville, the women are actually empowered by the experience, the participants never get completely naked, and sometimes even fat ugly birds are allowed to take part. But not in this film, thank god. The best scene featured Cher feeding a vocoder into the lips of her botoxed vagina and squeezing out a range of differently pitched fanny-farts which Christina then had to match with her multi-octave voice, despite the disadvantage of having her throat clogged up by a particularly stubborn globule of executive producer semen.

RUSSELL BRAND BATTLES INFIDELITY IMPULSES BY GRAFTING EXTRA VAGINAS ONTO BODY OF KATY PERRY

In a gallant attempt to remain faithful to his new bride and stave off the inevitable boredom of matrimony, Russell Brand has discovered an innovative new way of satisfying his compulsive urges for copious quantities of promiscuous sex. Using state of the art medical technology, Hollywood surgeon Dr. Denzil Lipstitch is to graft between 6 and 80 dead donors’ vaginas onto various locations of Katy Perry’s 26 year old body, for her satyriasic husband to discover and investigate at his pleasure.

Perry has expressed boundless enthusiasm for the operation, despite the procedure requiring several excruciating hours of painful surgery which will result in the singer’s figure looking like it’s been caught in the crossfire of a semi-automatic flangegun. In an interview with Radio 1’s preeminent investigative journalist Fearne Cotton, Perry explained that “I would do anything to make my man happy. I, like, totally dig him, and would gladly have the fannies… ha ha, isn’t that what you Brits call them here? …the fannies of car crash victims sewn all over my back and limbs if that’s what will please him.”
“Wicked,” agreed Cotton perceptively, “I mean, it’s, like, a bit weird for a strong, beautiful woman not to have some kind of cosmetic surgery in this day and age, isn’t it? Wicked. Brilliant. Totally wicked. I think it’s wicked. Wicked.” The interview subsequently petered out as both parties became increasingly distracted by a particularly shiny five pence piece.

The proposed operation has been condemned as an immoral perversion of science by US religious groups who frequently refer to Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein without ever having read it. However, Mr. Roger Mourning, widowed husband of one of the deceased twat donors, is pleased that his wife’s body will be put to good use. “Emma had such a generous soul,” he explained through a niagara of tears and snot, “and it is a blessing that she can keep on giving after she has gone. She was such a huge fan of Russell’s ability to tell embarrassing stories from his life as a sex-obsessed drug-addict to comic effect, and she also found one or two of Perry’s early singles to be mildly tolerable.”

Since the news broke, Brand has been unavailable for comment as he has been busy perusing the erotic literature section of a Covent Garden bookshop in 1786.

ALAN MCGEE TO ADD AUTHENTICITY TO SCREAMADELICA ANNIVERSARY TOUR BY SWALLOWING A GOB-FULL OF E AND WANDERING ABOUT BACKSTAGE TALKING ABSOLUTE BOLLOCKS

As if it wasn’t embarrassing enough already to tour off the back of a twenty year old album because recent material has been uninspired bargain-bin fodder with lyrics like “I‘m the garbage man/I’m the garbage man/Sticky fingers in your trashcan/I’m the garbage man”, now Bobby Gillespie (Mick Jagger for the rave generation) has decided to take his midlife crisis to a new low. Primal Scream’s 2010/11 tour sees the band playing their 1991 album Screamadelica in full, even though the record sounds rather dated these days and it was all producer Andrew Weatherall’s work in the first place. To relive his hedonistic, carefree youth, and to “add authenticity” to the tour, Bobby Gillespie (The Aldi Mick Jagger) has hired ex-Creation Records boss Alan McGee to be present backstage on every date of the tour, during which he will be required to consume a minimum of seven ecstasy pills per night with which to inspire his characteristic horseshit pronouncements such as “yir witnessing the future o’ music” and “ah bet yirs tae thousand poonds the nex' Heavy Stereo record is ga’in triple pla’inum, aye.”

The ‘Scream, as they are known by people who also still listen to Oasis and Shed Seven, are to reissue Screamadelica on March 7 next year, as a special collector’s edition boxset which will include 2 double LPs, 8 CDs, 27 ‘making of’ DVDs, a limited edition print of Bobby Gillespie (Mick Jagger for the deaf and the stupid), a postcard collection, two glossy posters, a t-shirt, a butcher, a baker, and a candlestick maker. The set is to be remastered by Kevin Shields and will thus fortunately never see the light of day.

CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY COULDN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT M.I.A.

An insider from the C.I.A. has revealed exclusively to Spinal Bap that the intelligence agency to which he belongs is not in the least bit interested in the activities, opinions, pronouncements, or (especially) the music of Maya Arulpragasam, aka M.I.A.

This information is contrary to the claims of Arulpragasam herself, who is under the impression that the C.I.A. has bugged the telephones of both her and her extended family, and that the agency’s operatives follow her every movement in surveillance vans disguised with the words “U.P.S.”, “FEDEX”, and “ICE-CREAM”.

The reason, M.I.A. believes, for her supposed observance are her outspoken, controversial, and undeniably radical comments in press interviews, a small number of which read as follows:

“Governments are, like, well bad, aren’t they? Do you know what I mean? Cos, they, like, do wars and stuff. And wars are bad.” (NME, 2005)

“You know that movie, The Social Network, yeah, well that movie is just propaganda conceived to cover up the fact that Facebook was actually invented by The Pentagon to survey the activities of the masses. It’s, like, totally what happened in that book, Big Brother by George Orwell… which I’ve nearly finished reading.” (Guardian Weekend Magazine, 2010)

“Terrorism is good, you know, if it’s for a good thing, but terrorism what is for a bad thing, that’s, like, well, a really bad thing. But, you know who the real terrorists are, don’t you? It’s the governments. And the oil companies. Yeah, I said it!” (New Statesman, 2008)

M.I.A.’s lyrics, she claims, are also cause for concern for the U.S. government. For example, the incisive and incendiary rap/poetry of 2010 track Lovalot:

They told me this country was free
The FBI, well they don’t like me
‘Cos I’m just like Bob Marley
And also loads like Mahatma Gandhi
Shuck-a-lucka-lee
Push pineapple shake the tree

Our C.I.A insider denied M.I.A.’s allegations, however, stating that “the state is on high terrorism alert, for God’s sake. The Taliban are continuously establishing more and more fundamentalist sleeper cells throughout the western world with the aim of destroying every aspect of our society, culture, freedom, happiness, our life as we know it. Don’t you think we’ve got better things to do with our time than follow the insipid actions of a Mercury nominated hip-hop/grime/world music fusion artist?”

He also urged other musicians to try to curb their egos and sense of self-importance, instead of perpetuating the damaging myth that the security services are wasting tax payers’ money on surveying celebrities who are both harmless and overexposed in the media in the first place. The C.I.A. operative, who has close connections with his British counterparts, asked us to recall the interview in which Radiohead’s frontman made similar announcements, around the time of the group’s comatose glitch-pop album Kid A. “Remember when Thom Yorke decided that MI5 had a file on him? I chased that up. Turns out they had a copy of OK Computer next to the office stereo, with a post-it note stuck to the CD case reading ‘about as threatening as a damp ham sandwich.’”

Though of course he would say that.

CHARLIE BROOKER TO RELEASE DUETS ALBUM WITH WIFE KONNIE HUQ

Acerbic clog-faced journalist and television personality Charlie Brooker has announced plans to penetrate himself further into the mainstream by releasing an album of romantic duets with his sparkling television personality wife, Konnie Huq.

The album looks set to be the most hotly anticipated collection of celebrity duets since Peter Andre and Katie “Jordan” Price’s top 20 smash A Whole New World in 2006. Titled Beauty and the Beast, Brooker and Huq’s record will be released early next year and will contain the following cover versions (original artists in brackets):

1) Especially for You (Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan)
2) I Got You Babe (Sonny and Cher)
3) You’re The One That I Want (John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John)
4) 7 Seconds (Neneh Cherry and Youssou N’Dour)
5) Je t’aime (Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsbourg)
6) Islands in the Stream (Big Tits and Beardy)
7) Crazy In Love (Beyonce and Jay-Z)
8) I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That) (Meatloaf and Mrs. Meatloaf)
9) Never Be The Same Again (Melanie “Sporty Spice” Chisholm and Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes)
10) Baby When You’re Gone (Melanie “Sporty Spice” Chisholm and Bryan “Gravelly Face” Adams)
11) I Wanna Be Like You (King Louie and Baloo the Bear)

Having recently quit his Screen Burn column in the Guardian newspaper because he suddenly started to empathise with the vacuous celebrities he had been lacerating after marrying one*, the album will no doubt lead to further questions of Brooker’s integrity and the inevitable accusations of selling out. Already messageboards have been flooded with angry posts from juveniles who enjoy reading rude things about people on the telly whilst sniggering like Beavis and Butthead.

Huq’s fans, meanwhile, have registered little complaint, being very few and unable to achieve any state of being higher than that of perplexed gormlessness.


* http://www.guardian.co.uk/tv-and-radio/2010/oct/16/charlie-brooker-leaving-screen-burn

SONIC YOUTH FAN PRETENDS TO ENJOY LATEST THURSTON MOORE SOLO SEVEN-INCH

A Sonic Youth fan confounded his friends yesterday by claiming to enjoy the latest Thurston Moore solo seven-inch. ‘Amplifier’s Lament’, on the Not Very Important independent label, features two sides of nothing but squealing feedback and a looped sample of metal drum stands being scraped across a blackboard, to the non-rhythmical backing track of a home recording of Kim Gordon assembling a flatpack Ikea double wardrobe without the aid of tools save for an amputated piano leg. The sleeve to the record features imitation abstract art and boasts “Dedicated to Stockhausen and Kerouac” in attempt to ascribe the indulgent mess an element of gravitas.

Upon receiving the seven-inch in the post, which had been mail-ordered from online record store www.esotericool.com (“for music more outside than Captain Oates”), the fan slipped the record out of its sub-Joan Miró sleeve, placed it daintily upon his gramophone, lowered the needle carefully, sat down, folded his legs, gazed upwards towards the ceiling, and arrogantly proceeded to nod along to a rhythm that didn’t exist whilst stroking his bearded chin as if appreciating the unholy racket being shat into his ears on a level quite unattainable to normal people. When pressed by his friends on what exactly they were missing, the fan mumbled his meaningless stock phrases of “avant minimalism”, “post-noise experimentation”, “Steve Reich-isms”, and “taking rock to its logical conclusion”. The friends remained unconvinced, leaving him to enjoy the cacophony alone as they departed to attend a Fleet Foxes concert with some girls.

After they had gone, the fan gave the record a couple more spins before logging onto the internet to see if the latest proper Sonic Youth LP was available for preorder yet from the Matador website, secretly anticipating the prospect of listening to something with comprehensible lyrics, conventional rhythms, pop sensibilities, vocal melodies, and some actual bloody music on it.

NEITHER TING TING UNDERGOING TREATMENT FOR OVERWORK

British pop duo The Ting Tings have had their otherwise impeccable integrity called into doubt this week as it emerged that, contrary to the earnestly-sung lyrics of their latest single, neither one of the two band members has ever suffered from overwork, fatigue, exhaustion, stress, or ever having had to put the minutest degree of effort into any aspect of their lives in the slightest.

“Clap your hands if you’re working too hard” are the words which, in traditional Ting Tings style, are repeated over and over and over again in their new, imaginatively titled, single “Hands”, which has been all over the radio, and on the television, played in the supermarkets, and sung directly into Jools Holland’s smug pale face.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVbtBLZxL6w

Ironically, however, it seems that the band did not work hard enough even on this song itself, with its 1980s beats, its 1980s keyboard sound, its spoken-word intro straight out of the 1980s, and its chorus which could not conceivably be any more patronizing towards the audiences to whom it will be played many times over consisting of real human beings who have to work for a living because they aren’t the grandchildren of millionaire lottery winners and who don’t have a father willing to spend his share of inheritance on forming music management companies with which to propel his beloved daughter to fame and success.*

Meanwhile, The Ting Tings have confirmed that they no longer plan to call their forthcoming album “Kunst”, as originally planned, because they decided it was too early in their career for a self-titled record.**


* http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/latest/2008/05/24/how-feud-tore-ting-tings-star-s-family-apart-115875-20427681/
** http://www.novafm.com.au/article_kunst-not-the-new-ting-tings-album-name_104247