MADONNA ARRESTED UNDER SUSPICION OF FATTENING UP ADOPTED CHILDREN FOR CHRISTMAS

Worldwide global pop sensation Madonna was granted bail today after having been arrested yesterday at her home in New York City, where she has been living since her split with ex-husband Guy Ritchie, under suspicion of feeding excessive quantities of fatty foods and sugar-based snacks to her adopted children with the intention of consuming the kids herself in a Satanic yuletide ceremony which would aim to prolong her life. David Banda and Chifundo ‘Mercy‘ James, both Malawi-born, were taken into care while an investigation is carried out by the New York Police Department in collaboration with the social services. The children were captured by paparazzi exiting their home, Mercy had visibly gained pounds, whereas David appeared the podgier of the two, waddling along, clutching a Twinky, seemingly struggling to breathe, as if soundtracked by a man with a baritone tuba.

The incident has increased speculation that Madonna originally adopted these deprived kids from the Third World with the specific sinister intention to increase their weight and then devour them when they became fat enough to satisfy her diabolical hunger. Other sources have added that it could have part of a program to keep Madonna alive for longer, or possibly forever, and could be linked to Satanism or the mystical religion ‘Kabbalah’, whatever the hell that is. The story has been compared to that of the infamous Hungarian countess, Elizabeth Bathory, who is thought to have regularly bathed in the blood of virgins in an attempt to gain immortality, though Madonna’s management has claimed that “such comparisons are both unfair and unfounded.” Madonna’s birth daughter Lourdes was also caught leaving the family home, but with her slender, trimmed professional dancer’s body, it is possible that Lourdes, too, far from having been fattened up, may also have been interested or complicit in the possibility of immortality, despite being only thirteen years of age.

Madonna is currently staying with friends elsewhere in the city whilst the NYPD search her home for any further clues or suspicious possessions. So far, however, the investigation has proved fruitless with nothing unearthed other than a number of innocent empty Pringles tubes in the garbage and a cute little house in the garden of the grounds made entirely out of gingerbread.

CHERYL COLE COLLABORATES WITH JEFF TWEEDY

Girls Aloud member Cheryl Cole, soon to revert back to her maiden name following husband Ashley’s infidelities and the couple’s imminent divorce, has revealed further solo career plans with the announcement of a joint album with Wilco’s alt-country Americana star Jeff Tweedy. The album, to be released under the moniker Tweedy&Tweedy, is reported to be a dueted collection of Nat King Cole covers.

The move is a slight left-turn for Cheryl, though she has endured success in her previous collaborations with Black Eyed Peas’ Will.I.Am. Tweedy&Tweedy’s press statement denied that the project spelt the end of the multi-platinum girl group, speculation also fueled by Nadine Coyle’s upcoming single with Wayne Coyne and Sarah Harding’s plans to work with Hefner drummer Antony Harding.

BBC TO REPLACE 6 MUSIC WITH 24-HOUR IAN DURY CHANNEL

After months of speculation, the BBC has finally announced its plans for the status of the 6 Music digital radio station, which has been under review as part of attempts by the Beeb to cut costs and streamline its services. Following a number of high profile and widely reported protests, petitions, and campaigns on social media network websites such as FaceStroke in opposition to 6 Music’s potential closure, director general Mark Thompson has revealed that, rather than shut down the channel entirely, it will be replaced by a slightly cheaper service, offering 24-hour rolling Ian Dury content. This compromise will consist of archived Dury interviews, old radio sessions, previously recorded Blockhead concerts, documentaries on the making of the tracks ‘Hit me with your rhythm stick’ and ‘Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll’ as well as live transmissions from the Camden Barfly of Dury poetry as read by Phil Jupitus. Whilst still facing criticism from 6 Music campaigners, Mark Thompson pointed out that BBC Dury 24 had already been running for a fortnight in place of its parent channel, without anybody noticing the difference.

In other news, the BBC Asian Network is to be axed as planned.

STARS OF THE LID SPLIT FOLLOWING COWBELL DISAGREEMENT

Stars of the Lid duo Adam Wiltzie and Brian McBride announced their immediate split today after Wiltzie’s fury at his bandmate’s attempt to incorporate a cowbell into the band’s drone-based comatose sound. A source close to the band confirmed that the dispute occurred whilst Stars of the Lid were working on new track, “Lying in a Silent Field with an Impotent Gasmask: Part IV”, a composition largely resembling the Eno-influenced sound the duo are famed for. At around the seven-minute mark of the eighth take, Brian became “somewhat agitated”, and without warning grabbed hold of the jaunty percussion instrument which had been left behind by a ska-punk band that had previously booked the studio. McBride then “proceeded to bang it with the enthusiasm of Animal from The Muppets.” Adam Wiltzie, at this point engaged in trying to hold a minor chord on his guitar for as long as humanly possible, due to the sudden shock, and perhaps compelled by the energetic rhythm and tone of the cowbell, felt his fingers involuntarily twitch across to a second chord, allegedly a G-major. As soon as he had realised what was happening, Wiltzie became engulfed with rage, threw his guitar at the studio wall, and screamed “cowbells and second chords are not what Stars of the Lid are all about, asshole!”

Brian McBride then attempted to pacify the furious Wiltzie, explaining that they had both been playing basically the exact same piece of ambient music together for years, with virtually zero commercial reward, and that he was literally yearning for variation, “a tambourine, some maracas, ANYTHING.” The duo, however, soon agreed that their differences could not be reconciled, and they have since announced their demise in a press statement to the music press citing a “definite hiatus.” The music press are said to be “uninterested at best.”

Following the split, Adam Wiltzie is continuing to work in the Stars of the Lid vein, crafting a “purposefully flaccid symphony” ether to be released under his own name or his Dead Texan moniker. McBride, on the other hand, has begun work on an “ambitious sub-Salsa-grind post-electro dubstep white rap project” featuring guest musicians Omar Rodríguez-López of the Mars Volta, Little Boots and Kid Rock DJ Uncle Kracker. Other sources have suggested this information to be false, and that McBride currently resides in a Texas rehab centre where he is being treated for Post-Traumatic Musical Over-Excitement Disorder (‘PTMOED’).

Susan Part, President of the Stars of the Lid fanclub ‘Tired Sounds’, told us “though it is a great shame that Adam and Brian will no longer be making music together, they have an outstanding body of work that they can both be hugely proud of and which will undoubtedly cement their legacy as giants of the post-post-rock soundscape scene. They will also continue to be massive influence on aspiring ambient musicians too young to remember Brian Eno, or perhaps too embarrassed to listen to him because he produces U2. Besides,” added Part, “perhaps splitting up was the best decision to take under the circumstances, as how many Stars of the Lid fans would appreciate being woken up mid cannabis- or morphine-induced slumber by a piercing and unwelcome cowbell being suddenly twonked?” Reporting on Wiltzie and McBride’s ongoing projects, Tired Sounds will continue to publish and circulate its biannual newsletter to its seven subscribers.

The incident is, of course, not the first cowbell-related musical mishap in recent memory. Californian stoner rockers Fu Manchu were forced to cancel a show in Paris on their 2002 European Tour when drummer Scott Reeder misplaced the band’s cowbell and was unable to unearth any other drum or percussion object during soundcheck that could imitate, replicate or replace the instrument that has become so critical to the Fu’s desert rock sound. “The entire vibe of our awesome unit,” stated Fu Manchu frontman Scott Hill in an interview from the back of a pickup truck, “simply fell flat. I mean, it was like being castrated, dude.” The ‘bell was later discovered in the band’s tourbus mini-fridge, behind a stack of beef mayo baguettes, and the tour continued without incident.