Thursday, 24 June 2010


Worldwide global pop sensation Madonna was granted bail today after having been arrested yesterday at her home in New York City, where she has been living since her split with ex-husband Guy Ritchie, under suspicion of feeding excessive quantities of fatty foods and sugar-based snacks to her adopted children with the intention of consuming the kids herself in a Satanic yuletide ceremony which would aim to prolong her life. David Banda and Chifundo ‘Mercy‘ James, both Malawi-born, were taken into care while an investigation is carried out by the New York Police Department in collaboration with the social services. The children were captured by paparazzi exiting their home, Mercy had visibly gained pounds, whereas David appeared the podgier of the two, waddling along, clutching a Twinky, seemingly struggling to breathe, as if soundtracked by a man with a baritone tuba.

The incident has increased speculation that Madonna originally adopted these deprived kids from the Third World with the specific sinister intention to increase their weight and then devour them when they became fat enough to satisfy her diabolical hunger. Other sources have added that it could have part of a program to keep Madonna alive for longer, or possibly forever, and could be linked to Satanism or the mystical religion ‘Kabbalah’, whatever the hell that is. The story has been compared to that of the infamous Hungarian countess, Elizabeth Bathory, who is thought to have regularly bathed in the blood of virgins in an attempt to gain immortality, though Madonna’s management has claimed that “such comparisons are both unfair and unfounded.” Madonna’s birth daughter Lourdes was also caught leaving the family home, but with her slender, trimmed professional dancer’s body, it is possible that Lourdes, too, far from having been fattened up, may also have been interested or complicit in the possibility of immortality, despite being only thirteen years of age.

Madonna is currently staying with friends elsewhere in the city whilst the NYPD search her home for any further clues or suspicious possessions. So far, however, the investigation has proved fruitless with nothing unearthed other than a number of innocent empty Pringles tubes in the garbage and a cute little house in the garden of the grounds made entirely out of gingerbread.

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