DIZZEE RASCAL ATTEMPTS TO BEAT WORLD RECORD FOR EMBARRASSING COLLABORATIONS SET BY WYCLEF JEAN

He won the 2003 Mercury Music Prize at the tender age of 18, picked up the NME Award for Innovation the following year, was Best British Male at last year’s Brits, and has probably won several MOBOs if anybody still takes any notice of them. But those achievements have done little to quench Dizzee Rascal’s ambition and thrust to win further honours and smash yet more records. It therefore comes as no surprise that Mr. Rascal has risen to a new, almost entirely unrealistic and perhaps even foolhardy challenge. It has been revealed that Dizzee is embarking on a quest in which he hopes to beat the world record for largest number successive toe-curlingly embarrassing collaborations (and still maintain a career at the end of it all). The current record holder is ex-Fugee Wyclef Jean who in the late nineties and early noughties released tracks featuring the “talents” of country twerp Kenny Rogers, welsh windbag Tom Jones, homophobic dancehall star Buju Banton, oily wrestling bimbo The Rock, and even Brian Harvey from East-17.

Dizzee Rascal, rising to the challenge, already has a number of embarrassing collaborations under his belt, including those with Lilly Allen, Alex Turner, and his 2009 No.1 single with pasty-faced poor man’s James Murphy weekend-obsessed eighties-loving disco cretin Calvin Harris. At the time of the latter’s release, critics assumed Dizzee had suffered a serious lapse in quality control, that he had lost his mind, or had been led astray by manipulative management and/or intense record company pressure. Now, it seems, he had a greater scheme in mind. Since metaphorically bedding Harris, Rascal has picked up the pace immensely having hooked up with obese and squealing excitable comedy actor (not comedian) James Cordon for a world cup song which proved even worse than the England team’s performance as well as twig-faced compulsive You Got the Love coverer Florence Welch at this year’s Glastonbury bland-fest.

Dizzee is set for a bumpy ride, however, as a certain Mr. Jean is unlikely to take this challenge to his crown of disgrace lying down. Rumours have already emerged that Wyclef’s epic new album will consist entirely of duets and feature completely intolerable guest spots from the likes of Jamie Cullum, Gareth Gates, Geri Halliwell, Gary Barlow, Danii Minogue, Peter Andre, Sharleen Spiteri, Paloma Faith, Johnny Borrell, Bret Michaels, Billy Joel, Mick Hucknall, Boy George, Jason Donovan, Fred Durst, Craig David, Kelly Osbourne, Kelly Jones, Kate Nash, K-Fed, someone from Kasabian, Pete Doherty, Peaches Geldof, Bob Geldof, Limahl from Kajagoogoo, Brian May, 4 Poofs and a Piano, Simon Le Bon, Mika, Jim Davidson, Nickleback, Donny Osmond, some other Osmonds, Dane Bowers, David Hasselhoff, David Cassidy, David Bellamy, John McCririck, Rik Waller, Rick Witter, the bloke from Embrace, Amanda Holden, Cheryl Baker, Whigfield, both Appleton sisters, the other three quarters of East-17, and Mr. FUCKING Hudson.

Dizzee Rascal’s management, in the meantime, seem untroubled by the possibility of the phoenix of indignity rising from the blushing flames of shame, as Dizzee has a number of unbearable collaborations in the pipeline, including what they claim to be “the embarrassing team-up to end all embarrassing team-ups.” We can’t say at this time exactly who it will be or exactly how bad it will be. As a teaser, however, we can reveal that the certain someone begins with a 'B' and ends in 'ono from U2'.