Tuesday, 14 December 2010


In a gallant attempt to remain faithful to his new bride and stave off the inevitable boredom of matrimony, Russell Brand has discovered an innovative new way of satisfying his compulsive urges for copious quantities of promiscuous sex. Using state of the art medical technology, Hollywood surgeon Dr. Denzil Lipstitch is to graft between 6 and 80 dead donors’ vaginas onto various locations of Katy Perry’s 26 year old body, for her satyriasic husband to discover and investigate at his pleasure.

Perry has expressed boundless enthusiasm for the operation, despite the procedure requiring several excruciating hours of painful surgery which will result in the singer’s figure looking like it’s been caught in the crossfire of a semi-automatic flangegun. In an interview with Radio 1’s preeminent investigative journalist Fearne Cotton, Perry explained that “I would do anything to make my man happy. I, like, totally dig him, and would gladly have the fannies… ha ha, isn’t that what you Brits call them here? …the fannies of car crash victims sewn all over my back and limbs if that’s what will please him.”
“Wicked,” agreed Cotton perceptively, “I mean, it’s, like, a bit weird for a strong, beautiful woman not to have some kind of cosmetic surgery in this day and age, isn’t it? Wicked. Brilliant. Totally wicked. I think it’s wicked. Wicked.” The interview subsequently petered out as both parties became increasingly distracted by a particularly shiny five pence piece.

The proposed operation has been condemned as an immoral perversion of science by US religious groups who frequently refer to Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein without ever having read it. However, Mr. Roger Mourning, widowed husband of one of the deceased twat donors, is pleased that his wife’s body will be put to good use. “Emma had such a generous soul,” he explained through a niagara of tears and snot, “and it is a blessing that she can keep on giving after she has gone. She was such a huge fan of Russell’s ability to tell embarrassing stories from his life as a sex-obsessed drug-addict to comic effect, and she also found one or two of Perry’s early singles to be mildly tolerable.”

Since the news broke, Brand has been unavailable for comment as he has been busy perusing the erotic literature section of a Covent Garden bookshop in 1786.

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