Tuesday, 11 January 2011


Bob Dylan’s nose has launched a lawsuit against Bob Dylan’s throat, claiming to be owed millions of dollars in royalty payments.

“Ah wuz Bob’s co-writuh, collaboratuh, an’ instrument of choice for forty-three yeurz, man, an’ ah wuz responsible for the sound that made him famous… the one mos’ folk can achieve only by wearin’ a peg,” said Bob Dylan’s nose. However, in late 2004 Dylan dropped his nose, citing “musical differences”, replacing it with his throat who has continued to tour with Dylan, playing mostly songs originally written with the hooter, now performed in a much more gravelly, but equally unpleasant, fashion. “Ah helped tuh craft an’ record those classic hits”, explained the nose, “which that phlegmy larynx haz hijacked an’ iz uzing tuh make himself millions in tour profits… you get me? He needz tuh pay hiz duez.”

Dylan’s first UK post-conk gig, at Manchester Evening News Arena in November ‘05 was a near disaster, at which a small number of Dylan’s older fans, disgruntled by the lack of nasal whining, heckled the singer-songwriter with taunts such as “JUDAS!”, “TRAITOR”, and “I OUGHT TO BUNG YOU UP MYSELF, ARSEHOLE!” Dylan’s more accommodating fans have since forgiven him, accustomed as they are to the musical legend’s minor, yet somehow controversial, spontaneous swerves in direction (such as abandoning acoustic guitars in favour of electrics, rejecting his Jewish heritage in favour of born again Christianity, and replacing inspirational protest songs with hastily-composed incomprehensible dirges about the apparent merits of Alicia Keys), and Dylan has continued to tour successfully throughout the world, performing to legions of frazzled beards and hipster twits.

The court case is set to go to trial sometime this March, as Dylan takes a break from his ongoing ‘Never Entertaining Tour’.

Bob Dylan’s throat, meanwhile, has been unavailable for comment, and is said to be busy working on a track called “I only coughed to say I love you” in collaboration with Tom Waits’ tar-coated oesophagus.

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