Friday, 8 April 2011


IMG_7988photo © 2010 rufus more info (via: Wylio) The dead body of the Conservative Party has been discovered, a few days after having committed suicide. The party’s difficulties had been widely reported, and this was not the first instance of the government attempting such an act. The Conservatives were known to have been struggling with depression for some time, and found trouble dealing with their new-found fame and fortune following their successful 2010 election campaign.

Courtney Love, rock-star lover and confidante of the party, had hired private investigators when the Conservatives went missing following the delivery of Chancellor George Osborne’s budget on 23 March, 2011. Love’s relationship with the Tories had become increasingly intimate of late. As well as dating the art-dealing heir to the Baron Hindlip peerage, Henry Allsopp, last year she attended a debate organized by Oxford University’s Conservative Association, and was subsequently awarded the post of “non-executive officer for rock ‘n’ roll”, whilst her tweets have included such naïve, ill-informed, and cloud-headed slogans such as “TORY NOW”.

Party leader and Prime Minister David Cameron was found by a maintenance man in one of the rooms of his 10 Downing Street home, a shotgun resting on his chest with which he had shot himself in his smooth, rubbery face. A suicide note was found nearby in which Cameron lamented his loss of enthusiasm for the world of politics:

For example, we’re backstage at the party conference and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowd begins. It doesn’t affect me in way in which it did for, say, John Major, who seemed to relish in the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn’t fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun…

Cameron had been listening to the latest album by REM.

Next door, Osborne’s body was discovered, the Chancellor having overdosed on an excessive cocktail of champagne, Rohypnol, and caviar. He was rushed to hospital, but medics were unable to revive the helmet-conked smarm-bucket.

Michael Gove, meanwhile, arranged a tragic suicide pact with Boris Johnson, in which the weasel-shaped Education Secretary strapped explosives to his body and commanded the fluff-headed Mayor of London to give him a croggy on his right-wing bicycle straight into a struggling South London comprehensive, before blowing the building, and themselves, sky high.

Many other Conservative MPs (too many to mention individually) have been found dead the length and breadth of the country, though mostly in the southern part of the land. The body of Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg was also discovered, though as he was not officially a Conservative the incident is thought to be a copycat suicide.

Conspiracy theorists have suggested that the death may in fact have been murder, that Love herself is directly involved, and that the obliteration of the Conservatives had been her plan all along. When pushed, however, most admitted that Courtney possessed neither the brains nor the tact to pull off such a remarkable feat.

Tributes to the Conservatives have been taking place worldwide, with fans gathering in their hundreds to commemorate their idols by burning candles, reciting the words of Cameron’s best-loved speeches, murdering foxes, mugging the poor, needy and ill-bodied, and offering sycophantic fellatio to workers from the banking sector.

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