Thursday, 5 May 2011


They’ve only been in the world a matter of days, but Mariah Carey’s newborn twins have already expressed their distaste for their ma’s incessant multi-octave warbling.

The good twin, Monroe Angel Fluffybunny Carey, revealed her aversion to her mom’s caterwauling by bursting into tears when Carey self-indulgently played one of her own CDs to the infants almost immediately after labour. Much to her mother’s surprise and concern, Monroe reacts in a similar manner almost every time Mariah plays one of her own records to the babies (which is often).

The evil twin, Moroccan Scott Hero Carey, meanwhile, was so incensed by his exposure to such an appalling noise at such a young, innocent age, that he has miraculously mastered the power of speech simply in order to articulate his outrage. “I mean, her voice is pleasant enough I suppose,” the 0-year old explained, “but why does she perpetually insist on inserting all those extra notes where they are not supposed to be? She even does it during Baa Baa Black Sheep for God’s sake.”

Moroccan then became distracted by a brightly coloured shape, at which he sat staring, blinking for a few minutes, before focusing his attention once more and adding, “And don’t get me started on that ridiculously high-pitched shriek she does at the end of virtually every song. It sounds like a damaged cat having a fisticuffs with a castrated blackboard.”

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