ORIGINAL LINE-UP OF SUGABABES WIN LEGAL RIGHT TO TOUR AS BUCKS FIZZ

“This marks the beginning of a new chapter in the exhilarating saga of the Sugababes”, announced a delighted Mutya Buena on the steps of the court yesterday after an indifferent judge flippantly granted the band’s original members intellectual property ownership of the name Bucks Fizz. “On behalf of myself, Keisha Buchanan and the ginger one that left after the first album, I would like to take this opportunity to express how delighted we all are with this outcome and to announce the 2012 Bucks Fizz Tour of England and Wales. This will coincide with the release of a brand new single, a wicked dance mash-up of Overload and Making Your Mind Up entitled Making Your Overloaded Mind Up (2012), produced by Richard X.”

Out of respect for Bucks Fizz’s legacy and to add a touch of authenticity, the ex-‘Babes have agreed to hire founding ‘Fizz member Robert Alan Gubby (aka Bobby G) to play percussion on the tour.

Other original Bucks Fizz singers Mike Nolan and Cheryl Baker are said to be horrified by the outcome, and it is rumoured that on hearing the news Baker was so upset that she immediately binge-ate four whole lemon drizzle cakes and an entire tube of Sour Cream & Onion Pringles, thus setting her personal Jenny Craig Weight Loss Program back by approximately three weeks.

The current line-up of the Sugababes are said to be smiling blankly.

THE ONLY PLAUSIBLE SOLUTION TO THIS DISPICABLE RIOTING IS THE IMMEDIATE REFORMATION OF THE SEAHORSES

With everybody having their own skewed take on the causes and solutions of the current wave of riots that are sweeping British cities, Spinal Bap would like to propose a more rational suggestion:

The years 1996 to 1999 witnessed no major riots in Britain. It is clearly no coincidence that this was also the era in which John Squire’s post-Stone Roses rock group The Seahorses were an active force. It is imperative for the stability of the nation that our Prime Minister David Cameron make an immediate statement demanding the reformation of The Seahorses and that he enlist their services in reinstating peace and stability. In the last twelve years society has completely broken down, with many parents, children, schools, communities, and politicians demonstrating scant regard for the importance of The Seahorses.

Following the inevitable, and much demanded, reformation of the Chris Helme-fronted indie pop band, those who dare to continue to behave with an irresponsible disregard for law, order, and The Seahorses’ one hugely influential album Do It Yourself should be treated with extreme prejudice and little sympathy; tear gas, rubber bullets and water cannons should be employed against anybody who cannot remember the words to ‘Blinded by the Sun’.

Failing these extreme measures, what are Symposium up to?

HORRIFIED PETE DOHERTY REALISES HE SHOULD HAVE DIED FIVE YEARS AGO

“Oh crikey,” exclaimed the 32 year old dentist avoider, “now the only club that’ll have me as a member is Club Irrelevant Twit.”