CATHOLIC CHURCH IN SHOCK AS MIKE CONNELLY QUITS WOLF EYES

The Roman Catholic Church was thrown into disarray this week when it emerged that Mike Connelly was leaving the legendary Michigan noise group Wolf Eyes.

Although it is unusual for somebody to relinquish such a distinguished post, Connelly’s move is not without precedent. In 2005, Aaron Dilloway stepped down as the band’s guitarist to relocate to Nepal, whereas original Wolf Eyes drummer Pope Gregory XII resigned in July 1415 in order to end the Western Schism that had divided the Catholic Church for nearly forty years (although he also cited “musical differences”).

Connelly has proven popular with traditional Catholics but his reign has not lacked controversy. His first Wolf Eyes appearance was on Human Animal, released in 2006 by the relatively mainstream label Sub Pop. The record polarized fans with its opening side of uncharacteristically restrained music. Other critics felt that Connelly failed to use his influential position as a prominent member of Wolf Eyes to properly address the ongoing Roman Catholic child-abuse scandal.

Connelly’s departure has proven particularly traumatic to the young and teenage girls who make up the bulk of Wolf Eyes’ fanbase. In the UK, the Samaritans have even set up a special hotline for distraught fans.

Writing on the band’s Facebook page, one anguished Catholic wrote: “I haven’t been this distressed since I found out that Robbie had left Take That. Or that Stephen Gately was gay. Or that Mariah Carey was black. I’ve been a Wolf Eyes superfan for years. I’ve got an original copy of the Throat Virus Alive CD-R and I first saw them perform back in 1999, supporting Backstreet Boys at the MEN Arena. I realise that Mike will still be touring and releasing music with his other projects like Hair Police and Failing Lights, but they simply don’t match the aural splendour of Wolf Eyes. I mean, they just sound like noise to me.”

The Catholic Church is expected to announce Connelly’s successor shortly, with many predicting the appointment of Cardinal “Crazy” Jim Baljo.