Record Store Day was founded in 2007 with the intention of boosting the profits of thriving, unscrupulous eBay sellers. Everything was going as intended last Saturday morning when record shops across the world were greeted by lengthy queues of pungent middle-aged men eagerly hoping to lay their hands on some rare, exclusively released vinyl which they would cradle lovingly in their sweaty arms before immediately auctioning online. For the most heroic of these passionate capitalists, nothing would stand between them and their profit. Queues were jumped, bribes offered, weaker, younger and politer customers were shoved, tussled and elbowed out of the way in scenes that would have made that late champion of entrepreneurism and hater of society Margaret Thatcher weep copious tears of sheer pride. Forget the audacious state-funded funeral, this display of unashamed greed and ruthlessness in the pursuit of hard cash was the real tribute to the Iron Lady.
However, one customer decided to make a mockery of this marvellous day of economic exploitation by thoughtlessly deciding to keep the records he purchased. Stephen Pond was near the front of the queue at Pickled Willy Records, Manchester, having arrived at approximately 4.30am a week last Tuesday. In a move that seems completely inexplicable to any level-headed, right-thinking person, Pond only selected releases by his favourite artists: Thurston Moore, Darren Hayman, and Moistboyz. When Pond neglected to rudely demand copies of the rarer and more lucrative products on offer, the cashier stared at the boy in total bewilderment and considered having him sectioned.
Asked what on earth he intended to do with these records, Pond said that he would listen to them regularly, file them alongside the other LPs in his collection, and lend them to his friends.
The organisers of Record Store Day have condemned Pond, saying that actions such as his have the potential to completely ruin the spirit of the event for everybody else. We have been assured that they are working round the clock to prevent a repeat of this unfortunate incident.