Tuesday, 3 May 2016


Yada yada yada imminent new Radiohead album blah blah blah probable surprise release rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb what might that entail? #listicle

1. It will be released in printed score format, like Beck’s Song Reader. Fans will only be able to hear it by forming or hiring their own Radiohead covers bands with shit names like Parma Kolice, I Might Be Thom and Muse.

2. As a toy in special packets of Kellogg’s Frosties.

3. Free with The Mail On Sunday, in tribute to Prince.

4. Exclusive torrent via the dark web, protected from the prying eyes of MI5, the CIA, the Illuminati, ITV2, HM Revenue & Customs, Q Magazine and Esther Rantzen.

5. Via Aphex Twin’s soundcloud account.

6. Downloaded automatically to people’s iTunes libraries just like U2 did only this time everyone will be really happy about it because they like Radiohead an awful lot more than U2 even though both Radiohead and U2 are practically the same.

7. Phil Selway knocks on your door and hands you a handmade cassette copy as well as some Jehovah’s Witnesses propaganda leaflets, in tribute to Prince.

8. Just on a fucking betamax or something.

9. Napster.

10. The album will be streamed exclusively in elevators and supermarkets (Exit Muzak).

11. It was down the back of your sofa all along.

12. It’s in the Panama Papers but the lazy media missed it because they are lazy and were lazily looking for evidence of their own corruption.

13. Scavenger hunt round pub car park.

14. Band claim it is hidden in certain copies of Hail To The Thief but you can only hear it if you listen very, very, very closely. Fans give rave reviews based on its distinctiveness.

15. Somewhere that is even less cool than what Wu-Tang did.

16. It’s just birds singing. Nature’s own music is a spectacular force in unmediated form with humans merely its own compromised interlocutors. So it’s just birds signing. But, let’s be clear, Radiohead have invented that now.

17. It’s disappeared up its own arse.

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