AXL ROSE, KEVIN SHIELDS AND DR. DRE FORM WORLD'S SLOWEST SUPERGROUP

Guns N’ Roses singer Axl Rose, producer and My Bloody Valentine leader Kevin Shields and rap superstar Dr. Dre have announced tentative plans to form a band together and to think about maybe releasing an album sometime in the relatively near future.

Each member has made a fairly firm commitment to begin recording the initial tracks for the project within the next 36 months. The as-yet-untitled album will be recorded at Axl Rose’s Malibu mansion/hermit cave after which Shields will transport the tapes back to his London home studio for mastering. When this process is complete, Shields will prove he has not forgotten about Dre by posting the results back to Los Angeles where the rapper will remix the album before spending as long as it takes to invent and develop the groundbreaking headphone technology required to do justice to the phenomenal music. The project intends to meld the contributors’ disparate styles in a fresh and unique fashion. Embellishing Dre’s old-school hip-hop beats with Axl’s authoritative cock-rock vocals and Shields’ washes of shoegaze guitar, the trio hope to invent the entirely new genre of ‘hipcockgaze’.

The album’s release date is currently pencilled in for Autumn 2028, although this may alter depending on the availability and schedules of proposed guest vocalists Kate Bush, Beth Gibbons and that bloke from The La’s.

UNCHARACTERISTICALLY CONFRONTATIONAL MCCARTNEY NAMES NEW ALBUM "KISS MY BLACK ASS"

Sir Paul McCartney has rejected the advice of his friends, family and personal psychiatrist by giving his new solo record the needlessly provocative title Kiss My Black Ass.

Sir Paul has explained that the LP takes its name from the lyrics of gangsta rap group NWA’s 1990 track ‘100 Miles and Runnin’ which McCartney covers on the album. The lyrics in question are:
“Now wearin’ my dyes ‘cause I’m not stupid, motherf***ers / They’re out to take our heads for what we said in the past / Point blank, they can kiss my black ass.”

The rest of the album consists of other hardcore hip-hip songs which have inspired McCartney over the years, including Body Count’s ‘Cop Killer’, Snoop Dogg’s ‘Murder Was The Case’, DMX’s ‘Where The Hood At’ and Lil’ Kim’s ‘Big Momma Thang’.

The album has been recorded with legendary producer Tommy LiPuma and features appearances from Diana Krall, Stevie Wonder and Ghostface Killah. Sir Paul has even managed to persuade Eric Clapton to play electric guitar on a version of Public Enemy’s ‘Fear Of A Black Planet’ in spite of Clapton’s reputation for being a massive racist.

When challenged over the album title’s potential for causing offence on account of its profanity and appropriation of African-American cultural slang, the Liverpudlian Just For Men fanatic replied: “I can do whatever the s*** I like, motherf***er. I’m Sir motherf***ing Paul motherf***ing McCartney, bitch! I was in the greatest motherf***ing rock band in the history of the motherf***ing world. And before Wings I was also in The Beatles.”