AMANDA PALMER DEMANDS TROMBONE PLAYER CHANGE NAME TO 'TOBY'

Oft-naked singer/show-off Amanda Palmer has attracted criticism this week for insisting that her new trombone player change his name to ‘Toby’.

While out shopping for a tenor mouthpiece, African immigrant and brass aficionado Kunta Kinte was set upon and kidnapped by a group of Palmer’s roadies. Confused and vulnerable, he was forced to add backing music to several dates on her tour. Initially believing he would be released after a few gigs, things went from bad to worse as the singer then took Kunta to the Virginia plantation she shares with her affluent author husband Neil Gaiman.

It was here that Palmer renamed the trombone player ‘Toby’. Refusing to accept this new identity, the trombone player was stripped by Palmer and flogged within an inch of his life. Palmer also stripped for no reason whatsoever.

When Kunta Kinte briefly escaped, he was soon tracked down by Gaiman and his team, with Palmer demanding strict punishment to quell any further insolence. The trombone player was given the choice between listening to the entire Amanda Palmer discography (including The Dresden Dolls) and having his foot chopped off with a massive axe. The trombone player chose the less severe option and now walks with the aid of crutches.

CHRIS BROWN ARRESTED FOR ATTACKING OWN NECK

Gristle-brained R&B goochbag Chris Brown has been arrested following a brutal assault on his own neck.

According to the police report, Brown became involved in an argument with his neck over a text message. Brown tried to force his neck out of his car before punching himself repeatedly in the side of the throat, causing bleeding. He continued to punch and bite his neck, and twice placed himself in a headlock.

A leaked photograph of Brown’s neck reveals the extent of the damage.

OMAR RODRIGUEZ-LOPEZ NOMINATED FOR GOLDEN RASPBERRY AWARD

Omar Rodriguez-Lopez has been nominated for the prestigious Worst Actor award at this year’s Golden Raspberries for his role in At The Drive In’s reformation shows. The ‘Razzies’ are normally restricted to film, but its organisers have decided to extend its reach to concerts due to the sheer dreadfulness of certain performances.

Rodriguez-Lopez was paid handsomely to play a character that should not have proven too much of a stretch to such a seasoned professional: a slightly younger version of himself. Nevertheless, instead of delivering the motion and energy required by the role, his performance was more akin to Nicholas Cage at his most phoned-in or Bill Murray in that film where he obviously didn't want to be there. One critic even said the performance was “as if that bloke from the Blair Witch Project who stands in the corner with his back to the camera for a bit did exactly that for the entire duration of the movie.” Some fans have also expressed disappointment. An attendee at the band’s Brixton Academy show last week likened the experience to paying for a baggie of speed, only to be handed a hardback first edition of John Major’s autobiography One Shade of Grey.

Also nominated are a flailing, howling drunk auntie for her interpretation of Annie Lennox at the Diamond Jubilee Concert and Family Dad creator Seth MacFarlane for his highly inadequate portrayal of a lounge singer at the BBC Proms.