Wow. Is this really Kurt D. Cobain?
Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Here we are now, etc.
So, are you in heaven or, erm, elsewhere?
I may be heavier than heaven but that’s where I am. It’s great here, actually. They’ve got all the warm milk and laxatives you could ever want. I much prefer it to earth. Apart from when two-thirds of the Bee Gees try to instigate an impromptu jam session. Then I say I’m suffering from terrible stomach pains and have to go and lie down.
Can you suffer stomach pains in heaven?
Of course not. The Brothers Gibb are a few discos shorts of a night fever, if you know what I mean. Mind you, I still have very bad posture.
What do you make of Dave Grohl’s post-Nirvana career?
Jeez, I just love the Foos. I know everyone thinks I’d hate ‘em but, truth is, if I was still alive I’d be right there at the side of the stage, doing air-guitar to ‘Learning To Fly’ or singing along to that tune about the best, the best, the best of you, the best, the best, the best of you. I think it was called ‘The One’.
What do you make of Krist Novoselic’s post-Nirvana career?
Your old bassist.
Only kidding! Krist is great. Did you ever hear his Eyes Adrift record? That’s the album Nirvana would’ve made after Unplugged. I’d have probably gone into politics too if I’d stuck around. Or at least done a charity 7-inch with Michael Stipe.
Have you ever listened to Bush?
Yeah, man, they’re great too. I’ve got nothing against them putting their refreshing limey spin on the whole grunge thang. Albini worked with them, you know. They’re cool. Just like everybody else, I can't wait for the 33 1/3 volume on Sixteen Stone written by David Fricke.
Tell us about your new album, Montage Of Heck.
Oh, it’s too embarrassing. It's just old home recordings, demos, covers, sonic experiments and comedy skits. It’s like everyone looking at your baby photos. The real solo album I was working on towards the end was going to be far more ambitious and communal. Stipey would’ve been on there, of course. Meat Puppets and Dylan Carlson were invited. Mark Lanegan would be duetting. Not that that’s anything special. That cat’s on everything these days. That gives me an idea for another hilarious comedy skit: “New Track Doesn’t Feature Mark Lanegan”.
What did you actually sing on ‘Tourette’s’?
If I remember correctly, the lyrics are as follows: “Meaty matinee / My dear / Cutting out all the carbs / My diet / Weirdo additives / Calorie-chart / We don’t want Happy Meal / Clean heart.” I was on a health kick at the time.
Did your wife murder you?
Then how come you’re up there? Isn’t suicide a sin?
I didn’t say I wasn’t murdered but I don’t know why you’re all still pointing the finger at my poor wife, you bunch of woman-hating conspiracy nuts. Who’s done best out of my death? Is it genuinely my traumatised widow or is it...
Right! Dave “nicest guy in rock” Grohl. You’ve “got another confession” have you? I wonder what that could be.
No. I’m kidding. Dave’s a great guy.
Are you really Kurt Cobain?
SÉANCE INTERCEPTED - SÉANCE INTERCEPTED - THIS IS THE VOICE OF LAYNE STALEY - YOU MUST FREE ME FROM MY LIMBO AND HELP ME PUT A STOP TO THE ALL-NEW ALICE IN CHAINS - LOOK INTO THE MIRROR AND REPEAT THESE WORDS FIVE TIMES: “CANDYMAN IN THE BOX, CANDYMAN IN THE BOX, CANDYMAN IN THE BOX...”