YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT THESE ALBUM COVER STARS LOOK LIKE TODAY!!!!

Some album covers are just iconic, like Pink Floyd’s Dark Side Of The Moon or that Guns N’ Roses one with the spaghetti. The sleeve is a visual representation of the record, so artists are usually picky about what graces the cover. Often it’s a moody picture of the musicians themselves or a pretentious piece of artwork. But sometimes the band chooses a random photograph of some other idiot.

So whatever happened to the stars of these iconic covers? You’ll be amazed that the biological ageing process has taken its toll on the physical appearance of these human beings!

Ah, the year 1999. Dawson’s Creek was still cool, Christina Aguilera released ‘Genie In A Bottle’ and Oliver Reed failed to complete filming Gladiator due to a fatal drinking binge with some Royal Navy sailors. It was also the year of Blink-182’s puerile masterpiece Enema Of The State and who can forget that cover with the hot nurse snapping on a rubber glove? But what does she look like today?

The years have not been kind.

David Fox threatened to sue Placebo for the inclusion of his image on their debut album. He claims he was bullied at school for appearing on the cover but it could’ve been worse. The New Radicals, Stereophonics and Texas all had albums out in 1999. Imagine the stick you’d get for being on the front of one of those atrocities. Performance And Cocktails would get your head flushed down the toilet at the very least.

Who would’ve thought that the little boy on Placebo’s debut was as susceptible to aging as you, me and every person who ever lived? Here he is today, his skin ravaged by time, the lines on his face like craters on the surface of a distant planet with hardly a glimmer of hope in those dead, dead eyes. The decaying fool.

Everyone smoked in the 1980s, as accurately depicted in the period drama Mad Men which I reckon was set then or thereabouts. Even the babies smoked. Well at least the coolest babies did, like the one on the front of Van Halen’s 1984.

It was based on a photograph of four-year-old Carter Helm. And get this, that baby is no longer a baby but has since grown and matured and sleepwalked through life just like we all do and one day he will die, just like we all will die, probably from lung cancer or some other merciless disease.

This could be the most iconic album cover ever, but at the time photographer Kirk Weddle didn’t have a clue who Nirvana were or what a success the band and their album would become, the shortsighted fool.

So what’s that baby up to today? Psychologically scarred by being plunged into a swimming pool against his will and forced to swim after a dollar bill by a bunch of selfish rock stars, Spencer Elden thereafter associated money, power and fame with water and thus spent most of his life submerged in baths, pools and tides. The effect has prematurely aged him, turning him into this wrinkly freak.

WORLD EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH KURT COBAIN

Last Christmas, my goth cousin who makes biannual trips to Dracula’s adoptive home of Whitby and has several Cradle of Filth tattoos bought me a Ouija board. Being more of a grunge kid, I never thought I’d have much use for it. Then I heard that Kurt Cobain was releasing a new solo album so I thought I’d try to get in touch. There were a few early hiccups when I released a couple of Cenobites into our dimension and opened a Hellmouth or two. Finally, I made contact:

Wow. Is this really Kurt D. Cobain?

Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Here we are now, etc.

So, are you in heaven or, erm, elsewhere?

I may be heavier than heaven but that’s where I am. It’s great here, actually. They’ve got all the warm milk and laxatives you could ever want. I much prefer it to earth. Apart from when two-thirds of the Bee Gees try to instigate an impromptu jam session. Then I say I’m suffering from terrible stomach pains and have to go and lie down.

Can you suffer stomach pains in heaven?

Of course not. The Brothers Gibb are a few discos shorts of a night fever, if you know what I mean. Mind you, I still have very bad posture.

What do you make of Dave Grohl’s post-Nirvana career?

Jeez, I just love the Foos. I know everyone thinks I’d hate ‘em but, truth is, if I was still alive I’d be right there at the side of the stage, doing air-guitar to ‘Learning To Fly’ or singing along to that tune about the best, the best, the best of you, the best, the best, the best of you. I think it was called ‘The One’.

What do you make of Krist Novoselic’s post-Nirvana career?

Who?

Your old bassist.

Only kidding! Krist is great. Did you ever hear his Eyes Adrift record? That’s the album Nirvana would’ve made after Unplugged. I’d have probably gone into politics too if I’d stuck around. Or at least done a charity 7-inch with Michael Stipe.

Have you ever listened to Bush?

Yeah, man, they’re great too. I’ve got nothing against them putting their refreshing limey spin on the whole grunge thang. Albini worked with them, you know. They’re cool. Just like everybody else, I can't wait for the 33 1/3 volume on Sixteen Stone written by David Fricke.

Tell us about your new album, Montage Of Heck.

Oh, it’s too embarrassing. It's just old home recordings, demos, covers, sonic experiments and comedy skits. It’s like everyone looking at your baby photos. The real solo album I was working on towards the end was going to be far more ambitious and communal. Stipey would’ve been on there, of course. Meat Puppets and Dylan Carlson were invited. Mark Lanegan would be duetting. Not that that’s anything special. That cat’s on everything these days. That gives me an idea for another hilarious comedy skit: “New Track Doesn’t Feature Mark Lanegan”.

What did you actually sing on ‘Tourette’s’?

If I remember correctly, the lyrics are as follows: “Meaty matinee / My dear / Cutting out all the carbs / My diet / Weirdo additives / Calorie-chart / We don’t want Happy Meal / Clean heart.” I was on a health kick at the time.

Did your wife murder you?

Nah.

Then how come you’re up there? Isn’t suicide a sin?

I didn’t say I wasn’t murdered but I don’t know why you’re all still pointing the finger at my poor wife, you bunch of woman-hating conspiracy nuts. Who’s done best out of my death? Is it genuinely my traumatised widow or is it...

Dave Grohl!

Right! Dave “nicest guy in rock” Grohl. You’ve “got another confession” have you? I wonder what that could be.

Really?

No. I’m kidding. Dave’s a great guy.

Are you really Kurt Cobain?

SÉANCE INTERCEPTED - SÉANCE INTERCEPTED - THIS IS THE VOICE OF LAYNE STALEY - YOU MUST FREE ME FROM MY LIMBO AND HELP ME PUT A STOP TO THE ALL-NEW ALICE IN CHAINS - LOOK INTO THE MIRROR AND REPEAT THESE WORDS FIVE TIMES: “CANDYMAN IN THE BOX, CANDYMAN IN THE BOX, CANDYMAN IN THE BOX...”

TRACKLIST FOR NIRVANA'S 20TH ANNIVERSARY EDITION OF IN UTERO REVEALED

 

CD1
In Utero Remastered (some - but not all - tracks mixed by that maniac Albini)

CD2
1) Rape Me (demo)
2) That b-side Dave Grohl sang before he was in Foo Fighters
3) That one about the vagina
4) That one about the vagina (4-track demo)
5) That one about the vagina (Butch Vig remix)
6) Rape Me (Dubstep mix)
7) Jesus Christ I Hate Myself I Really Want To Die Life Is Fucking Unbearable Especially Since I Married That God-Awful Woman But Don’t Worry Ha Ha This Is Just A Tongue-In-Cheek Self-Deprecating Song-Title See I Do Have A Sense Of Humour After All Oh No Hang On A Minute Actually I Really Do Hate Myself And Want To Die So It Isn’t Especially Ironic, Oh Well, Whatever, Never Mind
8) Something by Leadbelly
9) Gallons of Rubbing Alcohol Flow Through The Strip (long version)
10) Private Recording Of Cobain Curled Up Naked In The Shower Screaming In Pain From The Specific Bodily Discomfort of Heroin Withdrawal Coupled With The More General Mental Anguish Of Existential Dread (demo)
11) Don’t Recognise This One It’s Probably A Meat Puppets Cover Or Something
12) Tourette’s (acoustic)
13) Verse - Chorus - Verse- Chorus - Solo - Incoherently Screaming Lyrics That Were Nonsensical In The First Place - Chorus - Feedback - End
14) This Is Just Noise, This Was Never Meant To See The Light Of Day
15) Monosyllabic Cobain interview conducted by an overenthusiastic US radio disc-jockey
16) The cringe-inducing sound of the empty sides of a rotting barrel being scraped and scraped and scraped into sheer oblivion (take #237)

CD3
Under-rehearsed live gig further hindered by a sound-desk guy who wasn’t concentrating properly, recorded by some drunkard with a broken boom-box