AXL ROSE, KEVIN SHIELDS AND DR. DRE FORM WORLD'S SLOWEST SUPERGROUP

Guns N’ Roses singer Axl Rose, producer and My Bloody Valentine leader Kevin Shields and rap superstar Dr. Dre have announced tentative plans to form a band together and to think about maybe releasing an album sometime in the relatively near future.

Each member has made a fairly firm commitment to begin recording the initial tracks for the project within the next 36 months. The as-yet-untitled album will be recorded at Axl Rose’s Malibu mansion/hermit cave after which Shields will transport the tapes back to his London home studio for mastering. When this process is complete, Shields will prove he has not forgotten about Dre by posting the results back to Los Angeles where the rapper will remix the album before spending as long as it takes to invent and develop the groundbreaking headphone technology required to do justice to the phenomenal music. The project intends to meld the contributors’ disparate styles in a fresh and unique fashion. Embellishing Dre’s old-school hip-hop beats with Axl’s authoritative cock-rock vocals and Shields’ washes of shoegaze guitar, the trio hope to invent the entirely new genre of ‘hipcockgaze’.

The album’s release date is currently pencilled in for Autumn 2028, although this may alter depending on the availability and schedules of proposed guest vocalists Kate Bush, Beth Gibbons and that bloke from The La’s.

UNCHARACTERISTICALLY CONFRONTATIONAL MCCARTNEY NAMES NEW ALBUM "KISS MY BLACK ASS"

Sir Paul McCartney has rejected the advice of his friends, family and personal psychiatrist by giving his new solo record the needlessly provocative title Kiss My Black Ass.

Sir Paul has explained that the LP takes its name from the lyrics of gangsta rap group NWA’s 1990 track ‘100 Miles and Runnin’ which McCartney covers on the album. The lyrics in question are:
“Now wearin’ my dyes ‘cause I’m not stupid, motherf***ers / They’re out to take our heads for what we said in the past / Point blank, they can kiss my black ass.”

The rest of the album consists of other hardcore hip-hip songs which have inspired McCartney over the years, including Body Count’s ‘Cop Killer’, Snoop Dogg’s ‘Murder Was The Case’, DMX’s ‘Where The Hood At’ and Lil’ Kim’s ‘Big Momma Thang’.

The album has been recorded with legendary producer Tommy LiPuma and features appearances from Diana Krall, Stevie Wonder and Ghostface Killah. Sir Paul has even managed to persuade Eric Clapton to play electric guitar on a version of Public Enemy’s ‘Fear Of A Black Planet’ in spite of Clapton’s reputation for being a massive racist.

When challenged over the album title’s potential for causing offence on account of its profanity and appropriation of African-American cultural slang, the Liverpudlian Just For Men fanatic replied: “I can do whatever the s*** I like, motherf***er. I’m Sir motherf***ing Paul motherf***ing McCartney, bitch! I was in the greatest motherf***ing rock band in the history of the motherf***ing world. And before Wings I was also in The Beatles.”

SPINAL BAP'S TOP ALBUMS OF 2011

PJ Harvey - Let England Milkshake
The formerly principled PJ threw integrity out the window and took a leaf out of Johnny Rotten’s book with this McDonald’s sponsored homage to the dairy-based beverage. Nevertheless, the poetic tributes to the countless bovine who were slaughtered during the late-‘90s BSE crisis will remain poignant for generations to come.

Metallica and Lulu - Lou Reed
Redneck metalheads were appalled when they heard that their favourite band of all time would be collaborating with a short, Scottish, ex-Eurovision singer on a concept album about some bloke who used to be the Velvet Underground. Hearing Lulu wailing on about transvestites, heroin, and Andy Warhol over the top of recycled riffs was jarring at first, but those calling it the worst record of all time are reactionary idiots who stand in the way of progress and deserve to listen to nothing but the best of Phil Collins for the rest of their innovation-hating lives.

Bjork - Biophilia
What do you do if you’re one of the world’s biggest acts and a highly respected cultural figure but you’ve run out of fresh musical ideas? Give your album away for free on the internet? Smashing Pumpkins and Nine Inch Nails got there first. Let listeners decide how much they’d like to pay for such an underwhelming record? Radiohead already pulled that one. Let fans cherry pick their own preferred tracklisting? You’re not as desperate as the Kaiser Chiefs just yet. Apps! That’s it! Apps. Genius. Now nobody will notice that all your songs sound just like other songs you released a few years back. And don’t worry that your exploitation of apps might come across as a desperate attempt by a middle aged loser clambering to stay in touch with rapidly evolving technology in order to reach a broader and younger audience; you’ll never manage to look as pathetic as that twat Niall Ferguson.

PJ Harvey - Let England Bake
The formerly principled PJ threw integrity out the window and took a leaf out of Johnny Rotten’s book with this collaboration with Mary “traditional puddings” Berry and Paul “Simon Cowell of pasties” Hollywood, a tie-in with the hit BBC television series The Great British Bake Off. The album was critically lauded, although there were some complaints that the trilogy of tracks about the cream from a chocolate roulade were merely filler.

Kasabian - Velocicraptor
Apparently Kasabian chose the title because the dinosaur in question “used to hunt in packs of four”. Presumably it also swaggered about like a constipated chimpanzee and had a mating call that sounded like an even shitter Beady Eye.

Josh T. Pearson - Last of the Country Gentlemen
When Josh T. Pearson sings indulgent ten-minute long ballads about a failed relationship backed only by an acoustic guitar he’s hailed as a genius and featured in various reputable end of year polls. When I try it the Samaritans hang up on me. Where’s the justice? Maybe it’s more convincing coming from a man who looks like Warren Ellis’ dead twin.

Chris Brown - F.A.M.E.
Brown silenced all his ‘haters’ on this comeback record by coupling his emotional vocals with beats so phat it was like being held in a headlock, repeatedly punched in the face and told you were going to die while trapped in a Lamborghini. Sean Connery is said to be a big fan.

Jessie J - Who You Are
Critics have long condemned the predominance of French artists at the Music of Belgian Origin Awards. So imagine their disgust when wig-headed amputee-empathiser Jessie J was nominated in five categories, despite being neither French, nor Belgian, nor remotely talented. Still, you can’t argue with the four MOBOs she received, presented to her by such cultural heavyweights as the Managing Director of Stella Artois, some distant cousin of Hergé, and David Suchet wearing a moustache.
One of the highlights of the album was the radical, anti-capitalist ‘Price Tag’ which eloquently attacked materialism (or “Cha-Ching Cha-Ching” and “Ba-Bling Ba-Bling”) while persuasively affirming that “It’s not about the money” and “Money can’t buy us happiness”. Reaching number one in the UK singles chart, we are still awaiting the proceeds from this single to be donated to charity.

PJ Harvey - Let England Flake
The formerly principled PJ threw integrity out the window and took a leaf out of Johnny Rotten’s book with this concept album sponsored by Cadbury’s Flake. In a homage to the famous ‘Flake Girl’ advertising campaigns, a promotional video for the album featured PJ suggestively placing the crumbly chocolate phallus between her lips, an act she still managed to make erotic even with a dead crow on her head.

Wild Beasts - Smother
Wild Beasts are four-piece British vocal troupe who first came to prominence when they finished second in ITV’s talent show The X Factor in 2004. The group wowed the audience week after week with their highly original takes on seemingly untouchable pop classics such as ‘Everybody Hurts’, ‘Creep’ and ‘Don’t Look Back in Anger’. Despite being runners up, the act were undoubtedly one of the artistic success stories of the series and went on to outsell series winner Steven Brookstein.
Their debut album, G4, was released on 28 February, 2005. It reached Number One on Mother’s Day weekend and sold over 245,000 copies in the first week. Their debut single, a cover of Queen's ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’, was released on 14 March, 2005, and entered the charts at #9. Their second album, G4 & Friends was released on 28 November, 2005, and entered the charts at #6. Their third record, Smother, was released on 9 May, 2011 on Domino Records.

ONEIDA'S KID MILLIONS PHYSICALLY UNABLE TO CEASE DRUMMING

An event which started off as regular live show for the New York band Oneida has spiralled out of control and has the potential to end in tragedy. Oneida regularly perform ‘Ocropolis’ shows - epic improv gigs which last for around twelve hours - both at their Williamsburg rehearsal space and on tour. Now one such ambitious gig, however, has resulted in Oneida’s seemingly eight-armed drum monster Kid Millions becoming trapped within his own rhythm and physically unable to stop drumming. The band were alerted to the catastrophe when organ player Barry London suddenly realised that Millions’ facial gurning no longer expressed the pleasure of being immersed in a krautrock-influenced art-rock jam-throng, but that behind his eyes lay a frighteningly unfamiliar tint of pain and distress. While the rest of the band immediately went to get help (after drawing their parts to a professionally coherent close), Millions’ body continued to pound away at his skins in what has become longest drum solo of all time. Kid Millions has been drumming for ten consecutive days with no sign of cessation or even of slowing down.

Millions’ physical state is said to be under immense strain and discomfort. At first the band struggled to feed him by attempting to hurl sandwiches into his jiggling, gaping mouth at a safe distance from his powerful, floundering arms. Similarly unable to pause his drumming in order to make required trips to the bathroom, Millions soon brought a whole new meaning to the term ‘drum stool’. Doctors have since fitted him with a drip, catheter and colostomy bag, although they are keen to emphasise that this is only a short term method of keeping him stable and that he could still collapse, explode or spontaneously combust at any given moment.

Millions’ condition is recognised in the medical world as Corsano Christitis. Although it is familiar to professional musicians who fear it greatly, it is much rarer than well-known rhythm-related ailments such as Dance Fever, Beatle Mania, and Biggie Smallpox.

In the 1990s, original Pavement drummer Gary Young managed to immunise himself against the condition by spending more time doing acrobatic handstands than actually drumming. While he successfully avoided contracting the illness, his flamboyant antics unfortunately got him fired from the band.

Dave Grohl has such a concern about potential outbreaks of Corsano Christitis that when recording with the Foo Fighters if he even begins to suspect that his drummer might be afflicted, he removes his sticksman from behind the kit by means of a violent kicking motion and takes over the drum part without even missing a beat. Then he overdubs all the rhythm tracks himself just to be on the safe side. Such a response to the condition is not recommended by health experts. Similar to the sudden awaking of sleepwalkers, this extreme approach can induce shock, a heart attack, brain damage, or even plunge the patient into a useless, vegetative state known as ‘full-blown Lars’.

Subtler and safer approaches are highly recommended. In 1975 Genesis managed to coax a sickly Phil Collins from behind his kit simply by getting rid of Peter Gabriel. Ginger Baker can be broken out of a perpetual drum trance by waving a family packet of kettle chips in his general direction, or a massive bag of quality heroin.

The technique with the greatest proven track record of releasing drummers from perpetual beat hypnosis is that trialled by Robert Plant on the patient John Bonham. Trapped in the midst of a fourteen hour version of the Zeppelin track ‘Moby Dick’, Plant accused Bonham of missing a fill. This caused Bonham to stand up, throw his snare at Plant’s head and storm out of the room. Though he called Plant a ‘helium-voiced talentless git’ at the time, he expressed his gratitude at a later date.

While Millions’ medical team have tried a variety of methods to free him from paradiddle hell, none have yet been fruitful.

Unfortunately, Oklahoma life-lovers the Flaming Lips have exacerbated the problem by invading Oneida’s rehearsal space and selfishly attempting to exploit Millions’ dismal condition to their own advantage. They have surrounded his kit with their own equipment and intend to jam with Millions without his consent in order to create a song that will last longer than eternity. The music will be recorded live onto tape by the band’s producer Dave Fridmann and sections of it intermittently released via a series of $10,000 dollar gold encrusted platypus skeletons containing luminous USB sticks which can only be listened to on a bouncy castle.

Even crueller, the Lips have refused to donate any of their profits to Millions’ healthcare, choosing instead to spend the money on obscene amounts of glittery things, a variety of novelty balloon animals and an intergalactic, time-travelling space pod. As he is unfortunate enough to live in a country in which much of the population equates national healthcare with tyrannical Maoism, the Oneida percussionist has accumulated exorbitant medical bills over the course of his ten-day drumathalon. Anyone wishing to make a donation to Kid or his family during this difficult time can do so at www.millionsformillions.net.

KIM GORDON AND THURSTON MOORE YET TO CONFIRM WHO WILL TAKE CUSTODY OF J MASCIS

In the wake of Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore’s separation not only is the question of Sonic Youth’s future in doubt, it remains similarly unclear who will be granted custody of J Mascis.

Kim and Thurston first took Mascis under their wing back in 1986 when Sonic Youth invited Dinosaur Jr to support them for a two-week college tour and have looked after the long-haired troubadour ever since, but is it now uncertain whether custody will be given to Kim, Thurston, or some other third party. Mascis requires much care and attention; he suffers from catatonic lethargy, underdeveloped social skills, and is susceptible to panic attacks when deprived of the colour purple.

There has been some concern over the affect the split is having on J’s behaviour. Kim and Thurston broke the news to J together and in a sensitive manner, making it clear that it wasn’t his fault and that they both still loved him very much and they would both still see him all the time. He has, however, become very withdrawn and solitary, retreating to his bedroom to play excessively loud guitar and communicating only through incoherent mumbles. Photogenic television psychologist Dr. Linda Papadapasnuffleupagus confirmed this was normal behaviour for individuals who are having to cope with a separation, although it is less typical in 45 year olds.

Lou Barlow has enthusiastically volunteered to take custody, always willing to elevate his and J’s father/son homoerotic incestuous sibling passive-aggressive dysfunctional relationship to new heights of weird. When approached with the idea, J’s noncommittal shrug was interpreted by Lou as a categorical “No” causing him to immediately descend to his basement to record yet another soul-searching lo-fi tune documenting his feelings of inadequacy and rejection.

Courtney Love has also kindly offered to adopt Mascis. Her calls have not been returned.

PJ HARVEY'S MERCURY WIN PUTS AN END TO ALL WAR

Critics of the Mercury Music Prize’s supposed meaninglessness have been silenced after PJ Harvey’s win for Let England Shake has put a stop to all warfare. The album did not get the reception it deserved upon its initial release in February but now, thanks to the exposure of the Mercury win, the world has finally paid heed to its powerful peace-promoting message and laid down its arms.

All current military conflicts have ceased, including those in Iraq and Afghanistan, after warmongers everywhere saw the error of their ways thanks to the West Country songsmith with a crow on her head.

On announcing the immediate withdrawal of troops, Liam Fox, the British Secretary of State for Defence, said: “I guess none of us really realised that war is bad before. But it is. War is bad. It is really, really bad. The world knows this now. And we have PJ Harvey to thank for that.”

Elsewhere, the Israeli-Palestine conflict has been put to bed and a ceasefire agreed after leaders on both sides tuned in to BBC2’s coverage of the prize presented by Lauren Laverne before immediately seeking out Let England Shake on Spotify. A joint Israeli-Palestine statement read: “We are glad to announce the end of the Israeli-Palestine conflict and are now entering a process for establishing a permanent peace along the West Bank and Gaza strip. It never occurred to us that war is bad before. But it is. It is really, really bad. Even when we listened to Let England Shake’s first track about Gallipoli we were somewhat unconvinced. The second track about Gallipoli, well that started to win us over a little, but we remained cynical. By the time the third track about Gallipoli kicked in, however, boy were we converted! War is bad! War is actually bad! It isn’t good, it’s bad. Thanks PJ!”

Meanwhile, Brummie brit-poppers Ocean Colour Scene, who (criminally) have never been nominated for the Mercury, are said to be slightly annoyed with the furore over Harvey’s record. When they radically announced to the world that war was bad in their 1999 single ‘Profit in Peace’, for some reason nobody gave a shit. But in honour of their unacknowledged efforts, in memory of the fallen, and in celebration of a new era of world peace established by the power of music and the impact of the Barclaycard Mercury Prize, let us reflect for a moment upon those deeply moving lyrics:

Hey, we don’t wanna fight no more
Hey, hey hey, we don’t wanna fight no more
But there’s no profit in peace
So we gotta fight some more
La la la
War is bad
La la la
War is bad
War is bad
War is ba-la-la-la-baaaad…

JACK WHITE TAKES FIRST STEP IN HEROIC MISSION TO BECOME LESS POPULAR THAN GARY GLITTER

Jack White’s new collaboration with the Insane Clown Posse has catapulted the singer/guitarist for the first time ever into the number 1 position of most unpopular ex-member of the White Stripes. Meg White may have been worse at drumming than a one-armed Thunderbirds puppet, but at least she never collaborated with a pair of bigoted, make-up-wearing, fizzy-pop-spilling, inarticulate, sporadically Christian, professional wrestling, crap-rapping plonkers.

It is unclear whether Jack White has embarked on this strange project in reaction to the mental strain caused by his former enormous successes or as some kind of crazy bet, perhaps trying to outdo Lou Reed who has recently hooked up with washed-up metal buffoons Metallica.

It has been estimated that this move has elevated White to a level of unpopularity approaching that of Fred Durst, Jim Davidson, Fearne Cotton, Ben Elton, Sex and the City 2, Sally Bercow, and M. Night Shyamalan.

White still has someway to go, however, before attracting the dizzy heights of hatred reserved for the likes of Glitter, Gaddafi, Skeletor, Heather Mills, the cast of Jersey Shore, the woman who put that cat in the bin, Nick Griffin, the cast of Geordie Shore, or the opera singing jingle dickhead from Go Compare.