SPINAL BAP'S TOP ALBUMS OF 2010

The xXx - xXx
Unenthusiastic disco-goth featuring an unusually subdued Vin Deisel.

Janelle Monáe - The ArchAndroid
So ground-breaking, forward-thinking, and futuristic it didn’t even have gaps between the songs. Like Madonna’s Confessions on the Dancefloor. From 2005.

Robyn - Body Talk
SHE’S THE CREDIBLE FACE OF POP MUSIC
SHE’S THE CREDIBLE FACE OF POP MUSIC
SHE’S THE CREDIBLE FACE OF POP MUSIC
SHE’S THE CREDIBLE FACE OF POP…
Why aren’t you listening?
What do you mean you’re not interested?
Hello?

Katy Perry - Teenage Dream
An album as refreshing as having an ignorant Californian partygirl spray Bacardi hangover piss into your eyes and mouth whilst Snoop Doggy Dogg does a bit of a rap.

Gorillaz - Plastic Beach
Following the success of this record, Gorillaz mainman Murdoc plans to spend 2011 working on his conceptual cartoon band Blur. The “band” is made up of fictional characters based on age-old rock clichés who perform contrived novelty pop music for children. The members are “Damon” (the sanctimonious one), “Graham” (the misunderstood one), “Dave” (the boring one), and “Alex” (the floppy-haired cheese-making cunt). The project is a collaboration with Murdoc’s old flatmate, Arnold from Hey Arnold!

Hawkwind - Yes, We Are Still Going
Hawkwind are actually still going. This was their 283rd LP, they spent last month touring the UK, and currently live in what band leader Dave Brock believes to be a inter-dimensional multi-galactic quantum spaceship (a pokey bed-sit with tin foil for wallpaper and an overabundance of lava-lamps).

Michael Jackson - Yes, I did those things to those boys
Surprisingly confessional posthumous album from the late King of Pop.

Joanna Newsom - Have One (or rather, have eighteen) On Me
A record so needlessly long if you tried to sit through the whole thing in one go you’d end up with hair as long as Newsom’s herself and as well as a crippling physical aversion of all harps. But you can avoid listening to her warbling faux-folk hippyisms and still enjoy the album by not even playing the record and simply staring longingly at the many beautifully composed artful photographs of the singer’s long, stocking-clad legs which Newsom so generously included in the insert.

Vampire Weekend - Cuntra
Who says vampires have to hang around in coffins drinking blood and avoiding garlic? Some turn up in broad daylight, slap-bang in the middle billing of some popular indie festival, and proceed to play the kind of material Paul Simon himself would dismiss as “a little too Radio 2”.

Cher and Christina Aguilera - Burlesque Soundtrack
No, no, you’re quite mistaken. Burlesque in fact differs significantly from the humiliating and degrading practices of stripping or lapdancing. It involves elements of satire and vaudeville, the women are actually empowered by the experience, the participants never get completely naked, and sometimes even fat ugly birds are allowed to take part. But not in this film, thank god. The best scene featured Cher feeding a vocoder into the lips of her botoxed vagina and squeezing out a range of differently pitched fanny-farts which Christina then had to match with her multi-octave voice, despite the disadvantage of having her throat clogged up by a particularly stubborn globule of executive producer semen.

RUSSELL BRAND BATTLES INFIDELITY IMPULSES BY GRAFTING EXTRA VAGINAS ONTO BODY OF KATY PERRY

In a gallant attempt to remain faithful to his new bride and stave off the inevitable boredom of matrimony, Russell Brand has discovered an innovative new way of satisfying his compulsive urges for copious quantities of promiscuous sex. Using state of the art medical technology, Hollywood surgeon Dr. Denzil Lipstitch is to graft between 6 and 80 dead donors’ vaginas onto various locations of Katy Perry’s 26 year old body, for her satyriasic husband to discover and investigate at his pleasure.

Perry has expressed boundless enthusiasm for the operation, despite the procedure requiring several excruciating hours of painful surgery which will result in the singer’s figure looking like it’s been caught in the crossfire of a semi-automatic flangegun. In an interview with Radio 1’s preeminent investigative journalist Fearne Cotton, Perry explained that “I would do anything to make my man happy. I, like, totally dig him, and would gladly have the fannies… ha ha, isn’t that what you Brits call them here? …the fannies of car crash victims sewn all over my back and limbs if that’s what will please him.”
“Wicked,” agreed Cotton perceptively, “I mean, it’s, like, a bit weird for a strong, beautiful woman not to have some kind of cosmetic surgery in this day and age, isn’t it? Wicked. Brilliant. Totally wicked. I think it’s wicked. Wicked.” The interview subsequently petered out as both parties became increasingly distracted by a particularly shiny five pence piece.

The proposed operation has been condemned as an immoral perversion of science by US religious groups who frequently refer to Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein without ever having read it. However, Mr. Roger Mourning, widowed husband of one of the deceased twat donors, is pleased that his wife’s body will be put to good use. “Emma had such a generous soul,” he explained through a niagara of tears and snot, “and it is a blessing that she can keep on giving after she has gone. She was such a huge fan of Russell’s ability to tell embarrassing stories from his life as a sex-obsessed drug-addict to comic effect, and she also found one or two of Perry’s early singles to be mildly tolerable.”

Since the news broke, Brand has been unavailable for comment as he has been busy perusing the erotic literature section of a Covent Garden bookshop in 1786.