CHRIS MOYLES ACCUSES BBC OF PINCHING HIS DINNER MONEY

Warthog-faced breakfast DJ Chris Moyles started his show last Tuesday with a half hour rant against the BBC in which he accused the corporation of stealing his dinner money, calling him horrible names behind his back, and giving him a Chinese burn until his arm went bright red and really very sore.

Early reports suggested that Moyles was looking forward to spending the dinner money on two beef baguettes, ten packets of crisps (six cheese and onion, two smoky bacon, and two prawn cocktail), eight kingsize Mars Bars, and a Curly Wurly at the BBC tuckshop.

A small number of the nicknames he is believed to have been called by other BBC employees in the past few weeks are as follows: Fatty Arbuckle, Lard Arse, Pie Face, Swollen Bollock Head, Piss Boils, Blubber Tits, Jabba the Hutt, Jabba the Glut, and Jabba the F***ing C**t.

The Chinese burn is thought to be a metaphorical one of some kind.

The sudden “disrespectful treatment” of the burger-inhaling disc jockey is part of the BBC’s new crackdown on bullying in the workplace; the latest solution being piloted by the broadcasting company is “to fight bullying with bullying.” It seems, therefore, that the bloated kebab swallower has objected to a taste of his own hate-filled medicine; in the six years since he took over the Radio 1 Breakfast Show the waddling human beer-belly has regularly used the word “gay” as a derogatory insult, referred to women as “slags” and “dirty whores”, had his “team” (or “gang”) pin down BBC admin assistants of both sexes while he administered painful wedgies, and once tied a female intern to a chair, instructed “Comedy Dave” to hold her mouth wide open with his pastry-encrusted fingers while Moyles shoved scrunched-up signed photographs of his own balloon-jowlled face down her throat until she could no longer breathe, all because she could not adequately explain the offside rule.

Moyles’ mummy, in the meantime, has denied that her beloved son has ever bullied anybody and says that he doesn’t have to go in if he doesn’t want to until the issue is resolved.

MORRISSEY ADVOCATES CANNIBALISM OF IMMIGRANTS AS ALTERNATIVE TO ANIMAL CONSUMPTION

In an interview with a UK broadsheet newspaper at the weekend, ex-Smiths warbler Morrissey revealed the amalgamation of two of his most notorious viewpoints: his militant vegetarianism and his massive racism. During the Q&A, which was conducted by celebrity Smiths fan and dour northern poet Arman Simontage, the bequiffed misanthrope suggested that the farming of innocent animals should be halted immediately, and that meat-eaters who were still addicted to flesh could have their cravings satisfied by the mass slaughter and consumption of immigrants, both legal and illegal.

Though not pressed on the issue by Simontage, who was distracted in the task of attempting to push into Morrissey’s moisturized hand an unrequested signed copy of his latest underwhelming collection, Another Muted Autumn, Morrissey was given a small amount of time and column space to explain that the scheme would succeed in “killing two birds with one stone.” He added that this was merely a figure of speech and that anybody who willingly killed even one actual bird, by stoning or any other method, was subhuman and would definitely burn in hell forever and ever and ever.

Human rights activists have been up in arms at the revelation, demanding that Morrissey retract his offensive comments, whilst Morrissey’s fans have continued to enthusiastically purchase his records and concert tickets even though this is just one incident in a long line which reveal their hero to be a thoroughly dislikable scrotum.

Unfortunately for the Mancunian xenophobe, the plan has backfired somewhat as his solution to the perceived immigrant problem has proven so popular in Italy that the policy has been immediately implemented by Berlusconi’s government, and, as Morrissey himself spends most of his time residing in Rome, it has been arranged that as soon as he arrives back in the country after his current promotional tour he is to be baked into a fat lasagna.

GUNS 'N' ROSES TURN UP TWENTY YEARS LATE FOR READING FESTIVAL APPEARANCE

Guns ‘n’ Roses have come under criticism from both attendees and organisers of the Reading Festival for showing up over twenty years too late for their headlining slot last weekend. Originally booked to perform at the 1990 event, when the cock-rock group were at the height of their powers, the band were due to appear promptly at 21.30 on Friday 24 August, 1990, but did not manage to reach the stage until 22.30 on Friday 27 August, 2010, after most fans had become bored and irritated.

Axl Rose, whose name is famously an anagram for ‘Lax Sore’, released a statement on twatter.com/axlrose defending the incident, in which he claimed, “Turning up twenty years too late with a troupe of lowly session musicians whilst resembling a bloated Mick Hucknall and squealing like a parched, castrated vole were all terms of our contract. Reading Festival are against Guns ‘n’ Roses. The fans are against Guns ‘n’ Roses. Everyone is against Guns ‘n’ Roses . Guns ‘n’ Roses want their Mommies. Guns ‘n’ Roses are taking their toys and they’re going home.”

Rose also expressed anger that the band’s sound was cut off midway through their encore of ‘Paradise City’, though sources from the festival have explained to us that this was actually an act of charity intending to save the squealing ego twonk any further embarrassment after a set which included a number of tracks from 2008’s “comeback” album Chinese Democracy which nobody wanted to hear as well as numerous unnecessary and underwhelming costume changes.

Guns ‘n’ Roses were not the only unpunctual act at this year’s fest, however, with Blink-182 and The Libertines turning up a good eleven and six years late respectively. Neither of these acts suffered from having their sound cut off, however, as their equally catastrophic lack of musical ability led the stage crew to assume that both bands consisted of deprived or disadvantaged children with learning disabilities who had won a competition or something.